Smoke A Bowl
General Kate and her army of sad midgets keep a tight ship!! RadarOnline has a sneak peek of an upcoming episode of "Kate Plus 8" that captures the Sweat Shop Mother of the Year, 2011 in action.
In the video, Mommy dearest and her pack of soon-to-be-runaways are baking "special treats" for the patients of a local dialysis center where Kate used to work (cut to Annie Wilkes shaking her head). Stay sharp, Kate Plus Hate is in the neighborhood spreading sunshine (her words HA!)!!!
She's quoted as saying "the only excuse for messes is carelessness"... I'm thinking Jon Gosselin is being a little more careful nowadays! You know, I wouldn't be surprised if, after the cameras quit rolling, she marched those little fuckers out single file to the camera crew's trailer and had them clean up their shit!!! Kate don't play!
She also blurted out a line that I've heard a time or two in my life, however, it was usualy being mumble out of some drunk chick's mouth around 3am... "If it turns into a mess, you are instantly done, I'm not in to that!!!!"
After the Vancouver Canucks lost the Stanley Cup (This is hockey we're talking about. You know, it's that sport that's based on that Mighty Ducks movie.) to the Boston Bruins, some of the crazed fans freaked out like a Juggalo when the Faygo runs out. They flipped cars like Khloe Kardashian when her last M&M rolls under her Benz! They flamed the streets like me whenever an Atomic Kitten song comes up on my iPod. They even ransacked a damn Sears. Of course this is coming from crazy bitches who have socialized healthcare. If they cut themselves while punching through a glass window to snatch a pair of sensible Canyon River jeans, they can go to the nearest hospital and get that shit stitched up without pulling out their wallet. Me, I'd be like, "Err. I'll wait until they go on sale."
Doesn't weed practically grow on trees in Vancouver? Why did fans burn down cars when they really should've burned a weed tree, inhaled hard and calmed themselves! IT'S JUST HOCKEY (cut to a Molotov cocktail shooting towards my head from Vancouver)!!!! It's not like Ke$ha announced that she's adding 2 more Vancouver dates. Just give yourself a Calgon enema, gargle with Valiums and tell yourself that there's always next year. Unless the Mighty Ducks make it to the finals and then, well, may God be with the Vancouver Sears.
Seriously, make love in the middle of the streets, not war. At least some bitches know what I'm talking about.
When most nail salons see Foxy Brown heading their way, they immediately issue a CODE FOXY which includes the following steps: turn off the lights, hit the "in case of Foxy" button that closes the iron security gate over the storefront, throw a "Moved. Died. Etc. Not Coming Back." sign and hide in the back hoping that she doesn't sniff out the glue scent and break the bars with her teeth. Because everybody knows that there's something in nail glue that awakens the acrylic cunt monster inside of Foxy. Even boxes of Lee-Press On nails fall to the floor and slide towards safety when Foxy comes walking by. And Foxy's hunger for a filling got her into trouble again. Foxy has officially replaced "chronic burper" as a manicurist's worst nightmare.
This time Foxy got kicked the hell off of a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after an on-board nail salon couldn't fit her into their booked schedule. Foxy, who performed on the ship the night before, did make an appointment, but she showed up three hours late. TMZ reports that when the salon let her know that she wouldn't be dipping her demon claws into their water bowls anytime soon, she flew into one of her signature cunt rages and security was immediately called. Security escorted Foxy out of the salon and put her under cabin arrest for the next 2 days while they were at sea. When the ship got to the Cayman Islands, they kicked her the hell out before saying, "By the way, your nails look ratchet, bitch!" (They didn't say that, but they should've). The authorities drove Foxy to the airport where she caught a flight back to Cuntville.
Foxy was busted in 2007 for whoopin' the ass of a beauty shop employee, and she also found herself in handcuffs in 2004 for beating two manicurists.
I would say that Royal Caribbean should've made the bitch walk the plank, but then they would've been fined for endangering innocent sea life.
Does Foxy still think the year is 1997 and she's got a #145 song on the charts?! If this bitch keeps biting at the hand that files, the only thing she'll be booked for is the opening of a strip mall in Port Chester! I take that back. Most strip malls have nail salons.
"Esperanza Spalding" became the most hated words in a Belieber's vocabulary next to "potty training time" when she drop kicked Justin Bieber's high chair by beating him in the Best New Artist category at the Grammys last night. While most us were Googling Esperanza Spalding to find out who the fuck she is, the Beliebers (who were already suffering through a severe kind of hyperness from staying up past their bedtimes) vandalized her Wikipedia page with their sprays of Gerber graffiti. Gawker got a screen shot of some of their work and also pointed us to the edit page where you can see all the shots fired by the Beliebers.
They changed Esperanza's middle name to "Quesadilla" (which is a delicious middle name) and called her a "fucking reatard" who needs to "go die in a hole." And they did all of this on a school night! Cut to thousands of Beliebers with a rage hangover this morning. How are they going to scribble out an "I HATE YOU DIE DIE" tiny Valentine to Esperanza on the broken heart from the Operation game when they can't lift their heads off their desks?
Esperanza looks like a hybrid of Santana from Glee and Janelle Monae, so you'd think the Beliebers would raise their rattles for her. They really need to coat their teething rings with weed butter, because it's not that serious. There's no need to ruin your parents' Valentine's Day by crying out for Justin Bieber on the baby monitor. Justin will soon win a Nobel Peace Prize for discovering the cure for dandruff in the tips of the dream strings on his head, so a Grammy really ain't shit.
Here's more of international hero Esperanza Spalding and Justin Bieber (with Uncle Usher, Jaden Smith and his parents) at the Grammys last night.
Note to musicians who are offered the chance to get their song(s) on Glee: If you check the "will not attend" box on the invitation, you will get a swift "FUCK YOU" to the eyes from the show's head bitch in charge Ryan Murphy. Just ask Kings of Leon. This past summer, the producers of Glee asked to use one of the band's songs for an episode. Kings of Leon said "no" and now Ryan Murphy is gnawing at their throats IN THE NAME OF THE CHILDREN!!! In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Ryan says that throughout Glee's run, he has learned that some parents and kids look to the show as "something inspirational and aspirational." Ryan wishes KOL would get the pigeon shit out of their mouths and realize this.
"Fuck you, Kings of Leon. They’re self-centered assholes, and they missed the big picture. They missed that a 7-year-old kid can see someone close to their age singing a Kings of Leon song, which will maybe make them want to join a glee club or pick up a musical instrument. It’s like, OK, hate on arts education. You can make fun of Glee all you want, but at its heart, what we really do is turn kids on to music.”
And about Slash's "Glee is worse than Grease" comment, Ryan says:
“Usually I find that people who make those comments, their careers are over; they’re uneducated and quite stupid.”
KOL responded to Ryan Murphy's "fuck you" by saying they aren't sure why he's bringing all the hate and their shut down was not meant as a slap in the dick to Glee or arts education.
Ryan has a valid points. I know that when I was a kid, watching Kids Inc. inspired me to want to sing a random Expose song in the middle of an empty playground and join a music group that performs every afternoon at a day dance club for kids (?).
Ryan is also teaching the youngs of America a very important lesson. I hope that every 7-year-old reads this interview with the creator of their favorite show so that they learn if they don't get their way, tell the bitch to FUCK OFF! Why waste energy on pounding your limbs on the floor in a tantrum when you can just curse a ho out. I didn't learn this valuable lesson until I was at least 8, so I wish Ryan was around back then to teach me this.
Shit between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry is not all "peachy cream" (copyright: Jennifer from Basketball Wives). It seemed like Halle and Gabriel were playing nice for the sake their daughter Nahla, but Radar says that they are practically biting at each other's throats. Gabriel filed for custody of Nahla on December 30th, because he's afraid that Halle is trying to push his ass out. A source says that Halle rages at Gabriel when he doesn't do what she says. Things turned to crap when Gabriel started dating other tricks like Kim Kardashian. Halle threatened to make his life a living hell if he didn't keep his hos on the down low.
A source explains that Halle re-enacted her meltdown scene from Gothika when she stared at pictures of Gabriel with Kim in a magazine, "Halle was absolutely furious and had a complete melt-down. She basically gave him an ultimatum -- to choose between dating other women and carrying on being on her good side. She was particularly angry that he had been so public, even going to a Lakers game one time, and she totally berated him, basically telling him that if he has to date, just date a nobody waitress that nobody will care about. Gabriel is one of the most laid-back, nicest guys that I know, but in the end he just got sick of being bossed around and told what to do by his ex-girlfriend."
When Gabriel brought up Halle's relationship with Olivier Martinez, she said it was just for "business purposes."
Gabriel also thinks that Halle has hired a private investigator to follow him around. The source goes on, "He said he's noticed a car following him a few times now and that he's just got this weird feeling that he can't shake of being watched. Judging by Halle's past actions and threats it wouldn't surprise me, if Gabriel doesn't follow her rules she's going to fight nasty. But, if she thinks a PI is going to dig up anything salacious or scandalous I think she'll be sorely disappointed. Gabriel's one of the straightest, nicest, bordering on boring guys I know."
How Radar was able to make out the source's quotes is beyond me. The source must be an expert at articulation if they were able to clearly say all those words while their tongue was wrapped around Gabriel's prostate. Seriously, could this source be further up Gabriel's ass? Not that I blame them, but DAMN. They make Halle seem like a foam-spewing monster and Gabriel seem like an innocent baby bunny whose paws have never touched a puddle of pee before. Please, we know they have, because he has hung around Kim Kardashian's trick ass a few times.
And I'm going to need to see HD video of these two rumbling. Not because I need proof that this story is true. I need it because they probably look really hot while screaming at each other.
This is one of those things you knew you'd see eventually since: a) Miley Cyrus is dumb enough to let a bitch film her sucking on a bong and b) Mickey Mouse grows the good shit in his backyard so Miley can get it when she wants it.
TMZ got a hold of this cell phone video of Destiny Hope doing a bong hit 5 days after her 18th birthday at her house in California. Willie Nelson isn't about to invite Miley over for a little afternoon blunt anytime soon, because sources say that Miley is taking a hit of salvia, a natural herb with psychedelic qualities that's legal in California. Somewhere Noah Cyrus is laughing at this shit as she passes the jenkem to her friends and shakes a new batch of moonshine.
Even though Miley Cyrus' voice could scrub the high out of my being, it's still pretty funny watching her trip out off of one salvia hit. I wouldn't be surprised if somebody tricked her ass and put catnip in that bong instead. Miley seems like the type who can get drunk from drinking Gatorade too fast.
But you know who's really getting naturally high in this video? The friend recording and interviewing Miley like she's Barbara Fucking Walters. Thinking about all the money she's going to make off this mess is taking her up up and AWAY!
P.S. - Bush, really? Bush?!
The ghost of Taylor Momsen's future look, Sebastian Bach, was slipped into a pair of handcuffs first thing this morning at a bar in Toronto after he allegedly murdered a wine glass by throwing it across the room before biting at an employee who was trying to control his rage. Sebastian not only looks like one of the Real Housewives of Orange County without her face paint on, but he fights like one too. I'm into it.
The Toronto Sun says that 42-year-old Sebastian got into a fight with the staff at Riley’s Old Towne Pub. When they told his ass to get out, Sebastian headed for the door with a glass of wine in his hand. They told him he had to leave the wine glass, so he pulled an "If I can't have you, nobody can!" and threw it at the front door. That's when the owner of the bar tried to hold Sebastian down until the cops got there. While the owner hugged Sebastian hard, he got bit in the hand. The cops arrived and found 1.95 grams of weed in Sebastian's pockets. He was charged with with assault, possession of marijuana and mischief. He will face a judge in Toronto sometime today.
All of this foolery could have been avoided if Sebastian politely excused himself from the argument to smoke a little of the good shit in a bathroom stall. Instead of biting into a ho's hand, Sebastian would've wanted to bite into a piece of fried grease at KFC. And trust me, unless you're Vampireina Jolie or pepaw zombie Keef Richards, biting into fried grease is much more delicious than biting into human skin.
If Matt LeBlanc got a joint for every time someone said to him "Joey, How you doin'?", he'd never leave the passenger seat. And he wouldn't be mad at you for calling him Joey. The Mirror's 3am found this out the hard way when they called Matt by his Friends name without bearing good shit gifts. They ran into Matt at a fashion week party in London on Tuesday night and the conversation went like this:
3am: "You all right, Joey? How YOU do-in?"
Matt: "I'm not Joey. Don't you dare call me Joey. The papers say I'm finished, so don't call me fucking Joey. I want to leave that all behind. I'm moving on."
3am: "OK, Joey, if that's how you feel. But what are you doing? Let's be honest, Joey, that's who everyone knows you as."
Matt: "I'm not Joey. For the last time. I'm not fucking Joey. It's Matt. Matt LeBlanc. Joey's in the past. I'm trying to do something new."
3am: "Like what, Joey?"
Matt: "I'm gonna do comedy. Working with the Friends producers to do comedy in England. And it's got nothing to do with Joey before you ask."
It's more serious than I thought! Bitch shook his angry fist so hard that it turned him into a character in a Gloria Swanson movie. "THE PAPERS SAY I'M FINISHED!"? And then he threw his mink stole over his other shoulder, put his hand on his forehead, arched his back and jazz walked off stage.
Who the hell does Joey, I mean Matt, think he is? Norma Fucking Desmond? Dramatic ass queen. The next time Matt says something like that he better put on a turban and grab a dead monkey first.
Speaking of monkeys, where the hell is Ed, because Matt needs a hug. Although, seeing Ed might make Joey Desmond even more mad.