A-Rod

If the first thing you saw in the morning were two paintings of A-Roidy as a Centaur, you'd probably crawl back under your sheets and pray that the end is swift and painless. When A-Roidy wakes up and sees himself as a Centaur, he creams his sheets (smells like pimple jizz, Jeter saliva and protein dust). That's what one of his exes claims anyway. She told UsWeekly that A-Roidy has two special works of FART of himself hanging over his bed in his boudoir.

She said, "He was so vain. He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure? It was ridiculous."

This is ridiculous and hilarious at the same time. Dude is like a skeezy pimp character that Krissy Snow dated on Three's Company.

A-Roidy probably didn't stop with the paintings either. I'm sure he has satin bed sheets of him as an angel carrying a baby A-rod. And a fur throw made from his pubic hairs. You also know he has those touch lamps from the 80s that feature his face in stained glass. And don't get me started on his bathroom. Doesn't an A-Roidy toilet seem so fitting?

The truth is I'm only posting this story, because I needed a reason to use this picture of Ahahahahaha-Rod after getting hit by a pitch last night. I don't think he's felt that much pain since he tried to finger bang Madonna's roidy cooze for the first time. Now on to the battle of the Yankees hos!

Page Six says that things aren't really unicorns and rainbows between A-Rod and fellow Yankee Derek Jeter, so it makes sense that their hate for each other has trickled down to their girlfriends. According to sources, Derek's lady Minka Kelly (of Friday Night Lights) and Kate Hudson aren't really holding hands in the stands (accidental rhyme!), "There's been visible coldness between Minka and Kate. I don't know if it's a personal thing, or just an extension of the ongoing A-Rod-Jeter rivalry. People are choosing sides."

I love that "people are choosing sides" quote. This is just like Footballers' Wives except a homelier version....and not as bitchy or glamorous. Okay, this is nothing like Footballers Wives. Because if it was, this is how Kate and Minka would have handled their little feud.

Seriously, this is how you do it. Kate and Minka are both amateurs! If Tanya Turner was involved, she would've fucked both of their boyfriends by now and been pregnant with TWINS (one baby for each man).

Kate Hudson has been a regular fixture at Yankee games for a little while now. Below are pictures of Kate with the other baseball players' girlfriends and also at a different game with Goldie and Kurt. It seems like shit is getting real between Kate and A-Roidy. It's getting so real that Kate is ready to have a roid baby with him.

A source tells InTouch Magazine, “She just turned 30 and she’s ready to have her second child. She wants Ryder to have a sibling, so she brought up the idea to Alex and told him that they would make a beautiful baby together, and that she would assume all financial responsibility." The source added that A-Roidy told her he's just not ready for another kid, but Kate is still pressing the issue.

Okay, Kate actually thinks they will make a "beautiful baby" together? Bitch really is dickmatized. With her dwarf-like features and his roidy sperm, their baby will look like this:

If that doesn't make Kate eat birth control pills by the hundreds, I don't know what will.

Apparently, Goldie Hawn thinks that her daughter Kate Hudson needs to stop bouncing on A-Rod's veiny roid stick. Goldie also thinks that Kate needs to stick some Fen Phen pills up her cooze, so it won't be as hongray for dick! Kate is not listening to her mother. She is obviously still busting vagina bombs all over A-Roid's dude tittays.

At a Yankees game on Friday night, Kate was front row cheering on A-Roid as he hit his 564th home run.

I'm actually a little surprised that these two twats are still together. Maybe it really true true love? Hah. And HAH. I'm also a little surprised that I've never really noticed that Kate looks like the bastard love child of Brit Brit and Dopey.

You really wouldn't guess that Kate Hudson passes her vagina around like pork dumplings at dim sum, but bitch is a mega slut. If I was her mother, this would bring tears of joys to my eyes, because she would be following in my footsteps. However, Kate's mother is crying tears of SHAME! The Daily Mail says that Private Benjamin has begged Kate to give A-Roid's peen the pink slip. Goldie thinks it's time that Kate curb her pussay, put a lock on it and let it breathe a bit.

A source said, "Kate’s had a string of boyfriends since her divorce from Chris Robinson and it’s always the same pattern – she falls hard and fast, then gets bored or has her heart broken. Goldie hates the idea of seeing Kate getting hurt again."

Kate's vagina is howling too loud for her to hear her mother's pleas, because she's taking her relationship with A-Roid to the next level. Kate has apparently already introduced A-Roid to her son.

While I agree with Goldie that Kate needs blow a goodbye kiss to A-Rod's roid rod, I disagree that she needs to stop her whore ways. If you don't have a full-time fuck partner, why not take a few part-time jobs to keep the genital area active in the community. Kate just needs to learn that just because her chocha is smiling, doesn't mean it's true love. Bitch probably falls in love at first dick tip. She needs to work on that shit.

Ass-Roidy's former and current fuck time friend almost crossed paths this weekend at the Polo Classic (aka The Hot Ginge Appreciation Party), but one of them made sure that didn't happen. Kate Hudson, who is currently whispering sweet nothings into A-Roid's dick hole, did whatever she could to stay away from the EVIL VADGE!

When Kate first arrived, she sat in the front of the VIP section, but she quickly shuttled her ass to the back after she heard Madonna and children (that includes you, Baby Jesus) had just arrived. One guest told Gatecrasher, “Kate was completely intimidated by Madonna. She clearly didn’t want trouble and decided to keep a low profile for the rest of the match. I didn’t even see Kate Hudson again after Madonna arrived. She ran away! But if I were dating Madonna’s ex, I’d be scared, too!”

Another guest said that Vadge didn't even lay one queef over the presence of Kate Hudson and her stuffed jelly donut face. The other guest said, “Madonna literally didn’t care. She showed up with no makeup, a dowdy denim outfit and her hair pulled up in a ponytail. She doesn’t need to compete with Kate, because she will always be Queen Bee.”

Queen Bee? Ick. Nast. Regina George, she ain't!

I hope that while Kate Hudson was hiding out in the back, she found some fucking dignity. I mean, hiding from Vadge and taking a dildo to A-Roid's ass in the same week?! Although, it's a good thing she doesn't have any balls, because if she did, Vadge would've sniffed 'em out and swallowed them whole anyway.

Two seconds ago, it was reported that Kate Hudson and Ass-Rod were giving each other mouth jobs in NYC. I chalked it up to one of those 24-hour bugs. Well, the virus is still active. Page Six says that Kate and A-Roidy's affair of the fart is now one week old. Surprisingly, this isn't a record for either of them. Yeah, I think Kate was married for at least 10 days. And A-Rod was Vadge's clit licker for at least 9.

The two celebrated their long-lasting love by spending some time together at Hotel ZaZa in Dallas after the Yankees vs. Rangers game. A source said that Brit Brit's head double packed up her vagina and followed A-Roid down there. Yeah, "followed" was the word they used.

Kate seems like the type to fall madly in love after the first dick-to-vag session. Homegirl needs to learn that you don't have to walk down the street hand-in-hand all lovey dovey-like with a dude just because he dicked you earlier in the day. Love. Sex. Two different animals. And sometimes the two animals don't need to cuddle together. Actually, it's better when they don't. Yeah, don't bother pouring me a bitter martini. I'm already full of it.

Back in January, there were rumors that Kate Hudson and A-Roidy were licking each other's tongues. Well, it looks like that wasn't a one-time thing, because they have been spreading their ick-nastiness all over NYC.

Page Six says that this past Friday, Kate was cheering on A-Roidy at a Yankees game. That night, the two were apparently making out in the back room of Mustang Grill. A bartender wouldn't let anyone back there, because he didn't want to be responsible for the dry heaves they might experience while witnessing that kind of grossness.

A couple of days later, Kate and A-Roidy were seen leaving his apartment on Central Park West.

You knew, these two whores don't make sense to me. Kate Hudson usually humps on dudes who look like bed bug-ridden discarded mattresses. And A-Roidy usually bumps it with chicks who could lift a Dodge Ram with their roidy clits. Did they both just fuck through all their "types," so figured they should try something new?

If I was Kate, I'd rub it on A-Roidy's OctoMommy-approved lips just once more and then slowly back away. Because if she didn't and A-Roidy gets his way, bitch is going to end up looking like (NSFL!!!) this.

The bitch at Details responsible for putting "HOW JESUS CAN SAVE YOUR CAREER" on the same cover as A-Roidy needs a platter of Sno-Balls and a nut lick for a job well done. That is how genius is made.

Baby Jesus did save A-Roidy's career, because if he was still finger banging Vadge's roidy cooze, he probably would've lost an arm by now. You can't do baseball shit without an arm. Not to mention, A-Roidy also walked away with his shriveled-up balls still intact, I think. Although, his pained face on the cover looks like someone just did ripped his nuts out. Or maybe he's just constipated. Getting butt fucked by Vadge's strap-on can do that to a ho.

Vadge is now Baby Jesus' problem.

Here's some pictures of oh-so-vain A-Roidy in Details. That shit looks like it was shot in my first NYC apartment complete with the tire (I didn't ask any questions). But the crack house set totally fits. Bitch looks like he's getting ready to dance with a needle.

And in the first thumbnail below, he totally does that every night when thinking about Vadge since her arms are almost as muscly as his. He misses her so now that she's sucking on Baby Jesus (my catechism teacher will be so proud).

After A-Roidy admitted to juicing up, he ran back to his ex-wife Cynthia instead of finding comfort in Vadge's big, roidy labia lips. This does not please Vadge. Hear He-Vadge roar!

Some nosy bitch tells Gatecrasher that after the sort-of roid scandal hit, A-Roidy jumped on the next jet to Florida to bawl on Cynthia's biceps. Vadge took this as the "ultimate dis." A-Roidy's people didn't want him to go to Vadge, because they think he's already had enough bad publicity.

The source went on to say, "Madonna and A-Rod have been burning up the phones. and she keeps on insisting that Jesus is just a PR stunt. Alex says he understands, and now he's asking her to understand that salvaging his career is his priority."

Why do I picture them rubbing their phones all over their muscly nutsacks while moaning like bears? Burning up the phone, literally.

Staying away from Vadge is also salvaging his peen. Just like shooting up roids shrivels your dick down a bit, so does sticking it in Vadge's cocktrap.

Vadge is apparently so desperate (the word was made for her) to see A-Roidy that she's planning some kind of secret rendezvous with him in the Hamptons.

Okay, what is it about A-Roidy? Vadge has got herself a sexy cross of raw sex named Jesus and her puss is slobbering over big-titted A-Roidy? Does he cum steroids or some shit? Does it turn her on that her roidy clit is longer and fatter than his wang? I don't get it!

By the way, Mayor Bloomberg better put NYC on high alert. If Vadge is angry, she might start throwing cars around and climbing buildings.