Gross

Buzzfeed pointed out this ad showing up over at IGN and it took me a while to figure out what exactly I was looking at. At first, I thought it was a jizz tornado coming out of a hairy asshole (aka Tommy Girl farting). Then I realized it was a fist made out of deodorant residue shooting out of an armpit. Although, I don't know what's worse.

If you go over to IGN, you can watch the mighty fist punching that dude in the face. I bet your build-up can't do that! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's deodorant crud, but it really does look like dude gravy. And now that I look at it more, it could also pass for a yeast infection shoo....OKAY, I'm stopping, I'm stopping.

Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!

At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.

This terrifying photo of Jon Gosselin on InTouch is even making Shiloh sad. SAD SHILOH. Think of the messiahs!

It looks like they lazily sprayed Jon's face with a caramel frosting mist, stuck some swap meet-bought contacts into his eyes to cover up the blood shotties and then finished him off by dabbing his lips with Saaphyri's Lip Chap mixed with the thick tears from his nutsack. The end result is even making Kate Gosselin's possum head flash the sign of the cross while hissing in fear.

Anytheyshouldveshoppedabiggernutsackonhim, Jon also gave an interview to InTouch where he says Kate QUIT his ass and Hailey is the only trick he's banging on the regular. Here's some highlights. And by "highlights," I mean "grosslights."

Why did she want to break up?
I think she initiated the split because she wanted a career. Maybe I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, and she was going to move on regardless. I said, “Are you sure about this?”

Did you want to work it out?
Yes, I asked, “What do I have to do to mend the relationship? What did I do wrong?” I was beating myself up about it. So I read a lot of books about personalities, like The Five Love Languages. Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she didn’t want to. She said, “If you have a problem, go fix it.”

When did you and Kate start living separate lives?
We went to Utah on January 1. On January 12, she flew back with security and I stayed. That’s when I started to just hang out and meet people, and feel free. Not too many girls, just with my guy friends. I couldn’t do that for nine years. When I came back on the 17th, Kate and I weren’t talking. So I just said, “I’m moving out of the house,” and that was it.

What was your first relationship?
Hailey — it started around May. She is the polar opposite of Kate. It’s really different. I feel good about myself and people see my good qualities. I’m not being put down. If I want to go out with my friends, Hailey says, “Oh, go out.” I’m not used to that. I was used to, “No, no, it’s your fault.” Sometimes I ask Hailey permission, like I used to do with Kate, and she says, “You don’t have to ask permission.” I was used to living like that, and now it’s like a breath of fresh air. You can have a balanced relationship but also spend time with your friends.

How did you fall in love with Hailey?
We started talking and got along well. I started getting really attracted to her, like, on the phone. She really listened to me and took in what I was saying. Then she came back to her parents’ house in May and I went up to see her. We hit it off. It was great. She is amazing.

Kate Major said she was dating you.
I felt like, “Okay, I have a cool new person in New York and we can just go out for dinner.” Then it was a conflict of interest with her work. I have always been true to Hailey.

When will you introduce Hailey as your girlfriend to the kids?
I think it would have to be after the divorce is finalized. I can’t just show up with Hailey. I think we all need a little routine in our lives. Right now, it’s helter-skelter. Once there is a routine, we’ll start off slowly, like going out to dinner. We are dealing with eight different personalities, and they will each handle it in different ways. They may never be comfortable.

Jon, please borrow on of your kids' old binkies and go bawl by yourself in the corner. This whole "wah wah wah" act is about to expire. Yes, Kate is the cunt of all cunts, but nobody puts a gun to his crotch and made him stay for so long. Actually, maybe she did. I wouldn't put it past her.

And I hope Jon introduces Hailey to his child army soon rather than later. Because I can't wait for the very special episode of Jon H8s Kate where Hailey shows the children how to make a bong using an apple during craft time. YAY!

Picture this: Ryan O'Neal is at Farrah Fawcett's funeral, scoping out the situation and seeing what's sexy, when a woman comes up to hug him. Ryan immediately turns to her and says, "Hey, sweet cheeks. Who's your daddy?" And the woman responds, "You are. No, seriously, you are. Like seriously. You're my father." This is basically the story Ryan O'Neal told Vanity Fair in their newest issue. Yes, because hitting on a piece at the "love of your life's" funeral isn't skeezy enough, Ryan had to hit on his own daughter and tell the public-at-large about it. While Papa Joe nods in approval and gives a peens up to Ryan, the rest of us are shaking our heads to keep the dry heaves from becoming wet.

Ryan told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo), "I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me--Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."

Ryan O'Neal touched me inappropriately with that quote. Seriously, you know that "This is your brain on drugs" PSA? They can redo that shit and use a picture of Ryan instead of a pan filled with fried eggs. Ryan O'Neal is fried eggs. I mean, if you can't even recognize your own daughter, it's time to pull the sheets over your head and take a nap. Your booze and bad stuff privileges have been temporarily revoked!

When Vanity Fair asked Tatum about it, she sighed, "That's our relationship in a nutshell. You make of it what you will. It had been a few years since we'd seen each other, and he was always a ladies' man, a bon vivant."

Miley Cyrus' self-proclaimed #1 fan was arrested in Georgia, because he actually admitted to being a Miley fan. That is a crime. And he also told the cops that they are meant to be together, because she sends him secret messages on her TV show. John Mark Karr, please clear your top bunk, because I think you've got yourself a new roommate/bff.

TMZ says that 53-year-old Mark McLeod was arrested last month on the set of Miley's movie in Tybee Island, GA after he made raunchy comments to some young girls in the crowd. According to police reports, Mark confessed to spying on Miley for 3 to 4 days. Creepy McCreepster told the cops that he was going to marry Miley no matter what. Dude even invited the cops to their wedding. He also claimed that he sent the future Mrs. McLeod (NOT RIGHT) two $2,000 diamond rings.

Poor Miley has a skeezy older Southern man with fug hair obsessing over her in a totally creepy way. Oh, wait.

Mark was released shortly after his release and now his whereabouts are unknown. The LAPD has been warned about his pedo ass since Miley lives in Los Angeles.

And in case you need more proof that this dude should probably be in a straitjacket, here's a video from March of him telling the NYDN that Miley speaks to him through paparazzi pictures. You know he really has the crazies in a bad way, because he says New Yorkers are really friendly. I'm offended by that statement!

This is the time where we all open our windows and shout "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, PARIS HILTON" in unison, because maybe our voices will carry throughout the land and break the crusty jizz barriers in Wonky's ears so she can finally get the message. I say this, because Parasite told Extra that Michael Jackson's daughter was named after her:

"My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name."

When whatever is left of her brains finally falls out of her asshole and she shoves it back in her head, she'll also realize that there's cities in France, Texas and Arkansas named Paris too. After her!

Paris, the only thing that will truly be named after you is a strain of the herp.

Here's the delusional one at the premiere of her MTV documentary Paris, Not France last night.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law are both wiping zit semen off of their nutsacks, because The Sun claims they are both playing around with Cameron Diaz.

Apparently, Cameron started her tour of wonky hairlines last week when she bumped it with Leonardo DiCaprio in London. A source type says that Leo is ready to pass his peen around after recently splitting with Bar Rafaeli. The source went on to say, "Cameron has been showing a lot of interest while he is in London filming. She was back at his rented apartment in Knightsbridge, west London, a couple of times last week after a series of secret dates. They were joking with friends that they played chess together."

As for Jude, Cammy was seen leaving a club with him in London on Sunday night. The same source who is yapping about the Leo shit said that Jude is trying hard to get a chance to pop Cameron's pimples with his wang, "Jude and Cameron have been good friends since they filmed The Holiday together a few years ago. Now they are both single, things are a bit different between them. Jude has been flirting with her and she has been playing along."

You know, I can't help but think at how hot a threesome starring these three would've been like 10 years ago. But now, thinking of Pizza Face Diaz rubbing it on these two just makes me hongray for a salami sandwich on sourdough with extra Thousand Island dressing.

Sticking your tongue into an ashtray filled with wet ciggie butts, used condoms and crunchy loogies outside of a truck stop in Barstow, CA probably tastes better than licking on Katherine Heeeeiiiggggggl. Put a nicotine patch on Gerry's tongue! Seriously, gird your whore tongue, Gerry! It's out of control. But on a positive note, I think Hagel's cheek has genital warts now. That fits since she's a mega cuntface.

Here's Gerry and Hagel at the L.A. premiere of The Ugly Truth yesterday. The ugly truth is that my throat is having a seizure due to the fact that Hagel is wearing a load of pearl necklaces (yes, my brain always goes there). Bitch did that on purpose.

For the third straight year in a row, Joey Chestnut won Nathan's Famous July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest today at Coney Island. Joey also set the new world record by swallowing 68 hot dogs (and their buns) in 10-minutes. Joey's arch rival, Takeru Kobayashi, was hoping to snatch back the crown, but he fell short with 64 dogs. Kobayashi, who is a six-time hot dog eating champion, came in second place. My personal favorite bitch, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, beat the female record with 41 dogs.

It's always hard for me to watch this shit without getting stomach seizures, because they make delicious hot dogs look like something Parasite Hilton's vag coughed up.

Somewhere in Australia, Tommy Girl is trying to beat Joey's record by gobbling up 69 juicy weenies and 69 soggy buns in 10-minutes. Tommy can do it!

Clip of Joey's road to victory below:

No, this isn't lost footage from Katie Couric's colon cam. It's also not a clip from Tommy Girl's sex tape or shots of Parasite Hilton's used tampon. It's video from a sewer cam in North Carolina of something that will haunt my stomach for days to come. Fuck lunch. Fuck dinner. Fuck eating. And fuck toilets too, because I know this dark-sided shit beast has the power to crawl up and pay your ass a visit. There's no room in my ass for more grossness. I'm sorry.

Gawker says that the creature of my nightmares is nothing but a mound of worms who have attached themselves to roots. Knowing this still didn't curb my dry heaves. The damage is done.