Gross

Who the hell is in charge of Burger King's advertising? Al Goldstein? First, there was the ad featuring a nekkid Burger King for their cologne Flame. Then, there was that was square ass commercial. And now we have this!

Don't get me wrong, I love that Burger King is trying to tap into the slut demographic, but they're going to have to try harder than this. If I'm going to put seven inches in my mouth, I'm going to clean the cheese off of it first. Also, what are those little bumps on the top? Heeeerpes!!! So Burger King wants us to blow a cheesy, herpes-ridden seven incher? Okay, why not? Hand me a condom.

I'm also a little disappointed that they didn't cover that blow up doll's face in mayo. They are probably saving that beautiful moment for the commercial.

And I think someone needs to set up a party between BK's seven incher and the power bottom oven from Quizno's.

Source VIA Gawker

After all these years, Marilyn Manson is still saying shit that sounds like it came directly from the MySpace journal of an angsty 14-year-old Emo kid. Marilyn's words of creepiness used to make my soul weep like Michelle Duggar's uterus, but now I just shrug and say, "That's Mari!" Which leads us to an interview Marilyn did with Spin Magazine. Marilyn talks about how his break-up with Evan Rachel Wood left him so sad-like that he cut himself up and still dreams about hitting her in the head with a Peter Gabriel song.

Marilyn said, "I sing about it on 'Into the Fire.' I say, 'If you want to hit bottom, don't bother trying to take me with you.' My lowest point was Christmas Day 2008, because I didn't speak to my family. My walls were covered in scrawlings of the lyrics and cocaine bags nailed to the wall. And I did have an experience where I was struggling to deal with being alone and being forsaken and being betrayed by putting your trust in one person, and making the mistake of that being the wrong person. And that's a mistake that everyone can relate to. I made the mistake of trying to, desperately, grasp on and save that and own it. And every time I called her that day -- I called 158 times -- I took a razorblade and I cut myself on my face or on my hands."

"I look back and it was a really stupid thing to do. This was intentional, this was a scarification, and this was like a tattoo. I wanted to show her the pain she put me through. It was like, 'I want you to physically see what you've done.' It sounds made up but it's completely true and I don't give a shit if people believe it or not. I've got the scars to prove it. I didn't want people to ask me every time I did an interview, 'Oh, is this record about your relationship with your ex-girlfriend?' But that damage is part of it, and the song 'I Want to Kill You Like They Do in The Movies' is about my fantasies. I have fantasies every day about smashing her skull in with a sledgehammer."

Doesn't that just sound like something you'd find on the t-shirt in a clearance bin at Hot Topic?

At least Marilyn isn't cutting up his beautiful face anymore. That's not good. By the looks of him today (see above if you haven't already been blinded), it looks like the only thing he's been cutting up lately is pie. And really, that's a good thing. Don't cut your face, cut up a pie instead!

Tommy Girl's creamy pits (to match his creamy Scientolohole) and Stepford Katie's giant muffin face (made with barley, of course) came out to support Cameron Diaz as she received her star on the Hollywood Walk of FAIL yesterday.

You know, I'm trying soooo hard not to stare at the Scientology-made second trimester pillow under Katie's shirt. Please don't tell me there's an alien robot baby stewing in some test tube in a lab in the middle of the desert! Maybe that's why Tommy's arm 'ginas can't stop jizzing? The tiny crazy is excited knowing that he will soon have a new robot baby to parade in front of the world.

Speaking of terrifying, Cameron Diaz's FACE! What in the stuffed crust pizza hell did she do to her face? It looks like Botox is her new favorite topping. Bitch looks like a week-old stale calzone.

Why did I have to read about Morgan Freeman allegedly Wood-Allen-ing his step-granddaughter?! If I dip my head in a pot of boiling bleach will it burn away that image along with 99% of the skin on my face? I might be willing to try it.

I hope the National Enquirer was just telling jokes when they wrote about 72-year-old Morgan Freeman's 10-year-long affair with his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines. Please let them issue a statement that they thought April Fool's Day got moved to mid-June for some reason.

A source tells the Enquirer that E'Dena is the granddaughter of Morgan's first wife Jeanette. Morgan and his second wife Myrna raised E'Dena ever since she was a little girl. The affair reportedly started when E'Dena was a teenager. The source went on to say, "Myrna said E'dena told her that when she was a teenager, she and Morgan went to dinner at a friend's house one evening. Both had been drinking, and when they returned home, Morgan attempted to have sex with her. They stopped just short of having intercourse. E'Dena explained to Myrna that she stopped Morgan from going any further."

Myrna told Morgan to step off E'Dena and he promised he would. Without Myrna knowing, Morgan's relationship with E'Dena continued for years.

The source wants all to know that it's technically not incest since they aren't blood relatives,
"but Morgan is trying desperately to keep his divorce out of open court so all the shameful facts won't become public."

I know most of you stopped at "National Enquirer," but they sound serious about this one. Maybe we should all just pretend this is a work of creepy fan fiction and then slowly back away until we get further evidence? Okay, I won't dip my head in bleach just yet, but in the meantime.....

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Redbook Magazine (via The Sun) asked Jada Pinkett Smith for tips on how to keep your sex life with your husband interesting. This made me fart. Anyway, Jada's advice to women is to do sexy times everywhere and anywhere. Go ahead and spread your fuck jelly all over your friend's guest towels.

Jada said, "Be sneaky... your girlfriend's house at a party. The bathroom. A bedroom. Think of places outside that are comfortable to have sex. Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary! Pull over on the side of the road... Just switch it up. Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame alive."

The flame in Will & Jade's life is very much alive. Its name is Tom Cruise.

To me, this just confirms that these two aren't boning each other. I mean, her advice is to do it in your friend's bedroom? Oooh, how kinky and edgy. Come on, Jada. Give us the real shit. Tell us how to work the strap-on so that your big gay man's prostate squeals! I know how you do it!

Remember that cologne Burger King put out last year called "Flame"? The one that smells like Aretha Franklin's chichi sweat? Well, they have just launched it over in the UK and are using Piers Morgans' face and body to entice hos to get a piece. It kind of looks like he's farting flames. Prince Hot Ginge he is not.

Piers claims that the Photoshop wizards did not paste his smug mug on another dude's body. Piers says that's all him. I guess we're supposed to drop our jaws in amazement? It's not like he has the body of Vadge's roidy-clit or anything.

What I don't understand is, why didn't they do everything in their power to get Simon Cowell? Simon Cowell was born to be the body of Burger King. Specifically, his furry tittays were. Simon's man breasts look exactly like two extra-plump charbroiled beef patties. Medium rare! And I'm sure that his nalgas look like two luscious sesame seed buns! AND you know his no-no looks like a glistening onion ring right out of the deep fryer. This was obviously Simon's gig!

Anybody in the mood for a soggy Snausage? Or how about a mangled egg roll? I've got both of those things here for you! This past week, nekkid pictures of Kate Gosselin's hair twin (aka Shawn from Vh1's Tool Academy) and 6 Gauge from Daisy of Love hit the internets. Don't get all excited. It's not going to make your no-no slobber. Bring your dipping sauce and get yourself a mini-weiner after the jump. And it's totally NSFW. Well, unless you work at Hickory Farms. JUMP!!!!

For the second night in a row, Cristiano Ronaldo ignored the CDC's warnings and spent time with the corroded crotch growth that is Parasite Hilton.

On Thursday night, Parasite and Cristiano met at club before going back to Nicky Hilton's house where they most likely played a little game of "Pin the Herp Sore on the Peen." Last night, Cristiano showed up to Parasite's "GO AWAY" party. Parasite off to Dubai for a few weeks to shoot her reality doody show My New BFF. The Sun says that Cristiano only stayed for a couple of hours. Ugh. That's still enough time for him to stick his skin rod into her cesspoon of destruction.

Cristiano needs to curb his dick before someone really gets hurt! He needs to think of his glorious eyebrows! One morning he's going to wake up and they are going to be gone! They aren't going to put up with him making gross toxic love with Wonky! Or even worse, Wonky's lethal snatch fumes could burn his eyebrows right off! Think of your brows, man! You obviously worked hard at getting them to look so sweet, precious and fragile. Eyebrows, you in danger girl!

Here's Wonky arriving at some studio in L.A. yesterday afternoon with Tinkerbell in her hands. Tinkerbell must have been taking charm lessons at Barbizon, because she didn't learn to keep her legs closed from her owner.

Evan Rachel Wood and Shane West played siblings on Once & Again and now they are bumping fuck parts. Cut to Sela Ward giving them a shank eye.

Last night, Evan and Shane left Bardot in West Hollywood holding each other's hands. This is a bizarre coupling, right?. If they didn't know each other from the past, I'd guess their drug dealer set them up. Evan looks like a rejected extra from the Chicago movie and Shane looks like he's been keeping busy giving hand jobs for crank money on Santa Monica Blvd. The two don't go.

That being said, a day shift gay hustler with a rock hard methface is still better than Marilyn Manson.

Fishstick Paltrow slithered onto the Tonight Show last night to barf about the all-knowing GOOP, but it was her greasy bones that got all the attention. During the first part of her talk with Conan, Fishy was all oiled up. Bitch's legs looked like two malnourished dildos covered in Crisco. Tommy Girl must have not been in town, because he would stormed the set and shoved her legs up his Scientolohole.

I'm guessing Fishy's stems were like that, because the wet oily POOP she's full of was starting to leak out of her pores when she started to talk. It happens often. One of her slaves must have wiped it up with an organic cashmere baby wipe during the commercial break, because her legs were caca grease free in the second part. Below is a clip of her slimy stems in motion:

SoupSoup VIA Gawker