Gross

Lady CaCa says she wants to turn her suffocated pussay into a cherry picker and go a'pluckin' in Jonas Land. During an interview with the Daily Star (via Press Association), the performance fartist said, "I love the Jonas Brothers, they're very talented, I met them once, I'd like to have a foursome with them."

Herm. I'm pretty sure that the moment one of the Jonas Brothers stuck their purity poles into Lady CaCa's chocharonie would be God's cue to hit the button. The world has suffered enough.

Although, maybe a Jonas/CaCa fuck party wouldn't be such a bad thing. I mean, those three little twinkies would limp out of there with their Disney-owned nutsacks in one hand and their decapitated wangs in the other. No pro-creating for them! We all win.

But seriously, you know the Jonas Twinks have had more panty action than Lady CaCa. Purity schmurity.

A judge has sentenced Phil Spector to 19 years in the chokey for the murder of Lana Clarkson in 2003. Last month, 69-year-old Phil was convicted of second-degree murder. Ole' Phil was looking at 15 years to life, so a judge was kind of nice to him. Although, it's pretty much a life sentence for him.

The judge should have really give him another 19 years for violating our eyes. And another 19 years on top of that for torturing his hair.

VIA E! Online

A million cheers to the captain of the yacht who threw Parasite Hilton and her latest victim off the boat for endangering passengers with their public displays of infection. He is a fucking hero to us all!

The Mirror says that Elton John's fupa fluffer, David Furnish, invited Wonky and Doug Reinhardt to a party on a friend's yacht in Cannes the other night. Almost immediately after they got on the boat, Wonky and Doug started doing disgustingly gross shit that made stomachs die.

One source who lived to tell the tale said, "As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug's throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn't care who was looking. They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. Everyone congratulated the captain."

I'm guessing Wonky's presence on the boat was a bigger problem than the witness is making it out to be. Wonky's crotch crustaceans probably ate most of the food. And the food they didn't eat, went rotten once Wonky brought her tongue out. Every drop of alcohol evaporated when Wonky opened the gates to HELL. Not to mention the poor sea creatures living in the waters below. They probably committed mass suicide once they spotted Wonky. They knew that if something should happen and Wonky fell in the water, they would die a slow and painful death from being directly exposed to her lethal snatch sludge. It's better to be safe than really, really, really sorry.

Jean-Claude Van Damme proves that you can be an ole' skeezer with a face like a sun-dried tomato and still get the tranny with the biggest low hangers at the club. Git it, JC! Slap them nuts. Jean-Claude also proved that he doesn't need to dance at all, because his wang of wonder has all the moves. He's just standing there as it churns the dick butter.

Here's Jean-Claude dancing with a bunch of sexy fine pre-ops at a party for the never-ending Cannes film festival. Wait. Was this party held in front of a hospital curtain in the emergency room, because that would make so much sense. SO MUCH.

Mary Kay Letourneau is the crazy-faced former teacher who was convicted of raping her 13-year-old student over 10 years ago. Mary Kay went to prison for 7 years, got out and married Vili Fualaau ("the student"). Mary Kay and Vili have two kids together. I know you've been feverishly wondering what these two have been up to lately. Well, they are now hosting parties in Seattle! And not just any party, but a "Hot For Teacher" party. Chris Hansen, please pour this party a glass of lemonade and tell it to have a seat.

This Saturday will be the third time Fuel in Seattle hosts the party. Vili plays DJ for the night while Mary Kay goes around signing autographs. The owner thinks it's just the cleverest thing he's ever farted out. The owner told KOMO TV, "It was sort of a joke but sort of real, and it was just something that we thought was a good name for it, and of course we got Mary's permission to do it. She's really trying to kick-start his career. She meets people, she greets people, she dances to music, she hosts the party. And she's an absolute sweetheart. And everyone who meets her realizes that and is kind of flabbergasted by how nice she is."

That's probably because the bitch drops GHB in your milk, rubs your back and tells you what a big strong little man you are. Of course, everyone's going to like her if she does that! That creepy bitch has permanent child-touching eyes, so there's no way I'd want to be around her while I'm trying to get my drunk on! Nothing kills a party faster than a convicted child molester.

In other news, Fuel will also be hosting NAMBLA's annual meet and greet next month.

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Mars has introduced their first candy bar in 20 years and they call this one "The Fling." It's the size of a finger and comes wrapped in some pink crap with the words "pleasure yourself" on it. You know where my mind is going, so I won't be offended if you exit stage left......

In the commercial above, it looks like some dude and some chick are doing sexy stuff in a dressing room. You know, fingering each other's asses, slapping each other's taints...the norm. Then the camera pans up and we see that they are actually in two different dressing rooms. The girl sits down, takes out her "Fling" and bites into it.

"The Fling" looks like a butt banging gone wrong! The last time some dude waved a chocolate finger at my face, I called 911, because I might be a big whore, but I don't play that shit (literally)! I don't care if it's only 85 calories per finger. No way, no how.

VIA Videogum

So it looks like Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe is no longer part of Ike & Tina 2.0, because the other day in NYC, she was spotted tongue fucking Aubrey Drake Graham of Degrassi: The Next Generation. Page Six says that the two were getting their intergalactic dry fuck on at Lucky Strike Lanes. The source said, "She was drinking whiskey and apple juice and making out with him all night. They were really cute together."

Whiskey and apple juice? What's that shit? I don't know whether to heave or salivate. I'm not so sure about that apple juice crap. It reminds me of the time that I thought Strawberry Quik and Bacardi would make a delicious combination. The barfs couldn't come quick enough. I think I'll stick to drinking my whiskey with soda, neat or on a peen.

Lisa Rinna says she has never talked about why her lips look like a dog's caca-filled anal glands that's about to pop. On Today with Kathie Lee and Hoda this morning, Lisa said that after watching Barbara Hershey in Beaches 23 years ago, she was inspired to get fake titty jelly injected into her lip. And the rest is roid history....

Lisa said, "This is the first time I have told what I have done to my lips. I had silicone put in my top lip not the bottom lip. I was gullible enough to go and do it."

Once the silicone hardened, Lisa said she got cortisone injections. Lisa said she has no regrets, because her lips "made me who I am." That's true. They make her look like the big asshole she is, so that's kind of beautifully poignant.

And you know this ho is sticking a needle filled with veggie oil into her lips on the daily. I'm waiting for the day they finally combust and her mouth will look like an open-faced Philly cheesesteak. And not the delicious-looking kind either.

VIA People

Before signing on to do the movie Two Lovers, the biggest TIT of them all Fishsticks Paltrow had the director of the movie inspect her organic hush puppies to make sure they were okay for public viewing. The movie's director, James Gray, said Fishy called him into her trailer to have a look.

James told The Sun, “Gwyneth told me ‘I don't care about nudity, I'll give you everything you need. But I've had two children and I just don't think they look very good any more. Do me a favor, come into my trailer and I'll show them to you and if you think they look OK I'll do it.' So I marched in there and I told her they looked great.”

I hope Fishy will cover this in her next issue of POOP! Need validation?! Ask some random film director to approve of your sloppy titty sacks so you can feel good about yourself.

Peep at Fishy's mini-dumpling after the jump. Bring the tartar sauce and JUMP!!!

The Black Eyed Peas have a new album coming out soon which means it's time for Fuggie Fug to start barfing up a bunch of shit nobody wants to hear about. Fuggie tells The Sun that in their new video, she engages in a little pussay-on-pussay action and it's something she's done off camera before as well. Fuggie said, “Put it this way, I’ve experimented definitely, but I have never had a steady girlfriend.”

Why do these raggedy celebwhores always think shit like this is shocking? Big deal. So Fuggie let another chick tongue tickle her meth 'gina. SO WHAT. I mean, we've all gotten a little lesbionic at one time or another. I've got dick on the tongue all day and all night, but even I have pet the wet cat. It was junior high school and it was the 90s. That's what you did back then!