Gross

I've heard several stories about William Hurt being a major asshole and boozer, but I really didn't know he was a lady beater. In her new book, Marlee Matlin claims that William Hurt beat her ass constantly during their 2-year relationship in the 80s. This shit makes me sad, because I've always had a weird thing for William Hurt. Especially in Body Heat. Well, fuck.

Marlee says that the night she won the Oscar for Children of a Lesser God, she had bruises on her body from William beating her. She told Access Hollywood, “I was afraid. I was always afraid… of him. But I loved him. I did. Or maybe I thought I did. But look, I was 19, he was 35. We were together for two years. We lived together and it was one of the most… He’s one of the most complex persons that I’ve ever dealt with. But, at the time, living with him was different than anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Marlee said the abuse was so bad that she had fresh bruises on her body every day. She never called the cops to report his ass, because she was a cokehead at the time and the bad shit was fucking with her thinking. Marlee said, "The drugs took over my life, took over my brain. I was 19 and I was alone in New York City. I had no friends there except my drug dealer. I could say that I understand how women are afraid to leave an abusive relationship. They should, but at the same time, I understand how they don’t know how.”

When asked to comment, William Hurt's spokesbitch said nothing. And I doubt he ever will.

GOOP is not only good for laughs, but if you're really constipated it will bring on the runs in a major way. Fishsticks Patrow's latest ODE TO ME newsletter is all about her fashion picks of the season. Yeah, I can hear your ass rumbling from here. It's ready to barf. Read a piece of this shit:

First of all, I never know what to wear in Los Angeles (are those pajamas??) and inexplicably, I am always freezing here. Having had a good look through the spring collections, I don’t think it’s necessary to make any sweeping changes. They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring and there hasn’t been any major shift in silhouettes. I am going to stick with the classics and update a few simple pieces that are easy to wear.

Don't stick to the classics, stick a fist in your mouth instead, Fishy!

Fishy goes on to show a bunch of ugly and boring shit from a Burberry dress to some stuff from TopShop. She only posted the TopShop shit for the little people. You know she doesn't even pick off her own toejam in that crap. Click here to see all of Fishy's choices.

Fishy also cleaned out her own closet and decided to put some of her throwaways on eBay. The proceeds from the auction will go to The Robin Hood Foundation. Fishy, being the dumbass that she is, fucked up the link to the auction and still hasn't fixed it. Click here to see that shit on eBay.

If you buy any of her crap, make sure you dip that shit in hot water mixed with a strong antibacterial soup before wearing. Pretentiousness might be contagious.

The two horny possums are at it again, so says Star Magazine. They claim that Brit Brit and KFed are bumping hog pits all over the place during her tour. I'm sure Brit Brit just can't keep her Cheeto-covered paws off of KFed now that his chichis are bigger than hers. When he jiggles it, her twatty lips clap.

One source said , "It's like they're newlyweds all over again. Brit and Kevin can't keep their hands off each other! The flings have made them both a lot happier."

Brit Brit and KFed haven't been too careful, because another source said his girlfriend Victoria Prince "caught him with his hand in the cookie jar."

The source must have heard it wrong from Victoria. KFed's hand was literally in a cookie jar filled with Nutter Butters. He thought he would be nice, so he brought Brit Brit a jar of NBs along with an economy-sized bag of pork rinds and some hot sauce. For old times sake.

You know how KFed and Brit Brit are both serious about their eats, so they got all nekkid, because clothes can be distracting when you're trying to get down to business. Then when a little hot sauce fell on KFed's fat titty, Brit Brit licked it off. It's a scientific fact that hot sauce tastes better to hillbillies when mixed with a little underbooby butter. Victoria didn't see any kind of wrong shit! She just saw too old friends bonding over their favorite pastime!

Image: Fame Pictures

If you watch So You Think You Can Dance?, then you know one of the show's choreographers Alex Da Silva. Well, you don't know him THAT well since I'm sure you never thought this motherfucker has rapey hands. Allegedly. The LAPD threw Alex into a jail cell after four of his dance students came forward claiming he had sexually assaulted them between May 2003 and March of this year.

The four women said Alex lured them back to his house in North Hollywood, tricked them into going into his bedroom and then raped them. The LAPD also said they think there's other victims out there.

Alex was arrested on Saturday and is currently marinating his sick ass in a cell on $3.8 million.

You can't trust a bitch with fugly eyebrows who teaches salsa dancing on reality TV. This is so fucking random and gross. I feel like I should burst into one of Mary Murphy's signature screeches of terror.

Source: Associated Press

Throw it back into the fucking sea! I never thought I'd ever ever write this, but I'd rather share a McNuggetini with Lady GaGa's droopy cooch than look at this herp-crusted piece of rotten Mahi Mahi. That's how much this wonky skankwhoreslutbitch makes the caca boil up into my throat. It probably tastes better than her toxic chocha juices. And is that a piece of lattice fence she's wearing?! Extreme WHORE Makeover!

On a positive note, at least those glasses cover up her busted wonky eye! However, Geordi La Forge called and said Wonky can keep those things. The CDC already warned him.

For those of you that are taking Alli, I suggest that the next time your asshole starts leaking greasy diarrhea, you bottle that shit STAT! Valentino will buy it from you by the gallon, because it looks like he loves to slather his face in poopy oil. That's his look. You might see a colonic gone wrong, but Valentino sees booty and poofection.

Here's Valentino looking like something Brit Brit might fart out at the premiere of his documentary in Los Angeles last night with Fishsticks and Anne Hathaway.

Isn't this how you eat a cheeseburger? You sit on a stoop, hike up your dress, spread your legs and devour that thing like it was a 9" dick. Just like a dick, that cheeseburger won't tell you it loves you, won't fucking touch your ass afterwards and won't even thinking of calling you the next day. Look, it even busted one on her leg and didn't apologize or give her a baby wipe.

But on a serious note, hot bitches like this don't eat that shit! Padma is faking it. Hardee's is not catering to their demographic. This should be an obese construction worker, sitting on the sidewalk with sauce dripping all over his left moob which is poking out of his overalls. Way sexier.

Adnan Ghalib is that roach in your house that just won't die. You drop a roach motel on it, you shoot it with a gun, you play a Heidi Montag song for it and it still won't just die! It keeps coming back and that's what Adnan is doing. Just when I was staring to be able to look at a velcro strip without thinking of that skeezer, he's back. And Brit Brit takes 100% of the blame for this, because apparently she's still sending him text messages. Adnan can't reply, because if he texts back, he'll be biting a bar of soap while his ass gets torn to pieces in the clink.

A source tells The Sun that Brit desperately wants him to show her a little love back, “She keeps sneaking messages to Adnan begging him to help her win back her freedom. She says she is lonely and misses being able to date the men she chooses. She feels trapped. She has been begging him to meet her and help her come up with a plan to get out of her dad’s conservatorship. Some messages have got back to her via her hairdressers and style team - but Adnan cannot contact her otherwise he will face jail.”

Maybe this is Daddy Spears at work and he's trying to trap Adnan into replying, so he can send his skanky ass to jail? Operation Wax The Strip! Yeah, probably not. Brit Brit is totally stripmatized and it needs to stop. His face: I'm sick of looking at it.

It's kind of shitty for her since Daddy Spears has her chained up. She can't get over a bitch the way we all do: go out, get boozed, pass that ass around and then cry our shame away in the shower. Seriously, getting dicked in large quantities really does work wonders.

Kathy Griffin went down to the corner knocked the dicks out of Wonky McValtrex's mouth and dragged her to Kitson to shoot scenes for My Life on the D-List yesterday afternoon. It was a nice of Kathy to show Wonky what a normal vagina looks like. Wonky probably thinks it's okay that her camel toe weighs 30 pounds, is 2-feet wide and stretches all the way to her belly button. Now she knows.

That being said, seeing Kathy's boxed wine spigot this early is not what I needed.

Russell Brand washed up to shore in Sydney, Australia yesterday and quickly zeroed in on a chick who was waiting for the ferry. Blohan's style twin slithered on over to the girl, turned on the sex and had his tongue down her throat in less in just a few minutes! Just like that, the girl had a case of the throat maggots. And you can't knock them out with q-tips dipped in rubbing alcohol! After he infected the poor bitch, Russell got on a boat and stripped down to his panties. A few second later, hundreds of storks drowned their asses in the ocean to stop the horrific image from replaying in their brains.

That being said, I'd hit it. Hey, at least he doesn't have skidmarks...that we can see.