Gross

Dora the Explorer got a hold of some illegal Fen-phen, lost a little baby chunk, got some extensions and moved to the big city to pursue her dreams of being the biggest prostitot in the game. Mattel and Nickelodeon released this teaser image of what the new Dora is going to look like. The new whory Dora will make her big debut in the fall. I'm sure her new implants would have healed by then.

The pimps of Dora said they gave her a newer tween look, so that she can grow up with her preschool fans. One of her pimps at Mattel told the NYDN, "Girls really identify with Dora and we knew that girls would love to have their friend Dora grow up with them, and experience the new things that they were going through themselves."

Dora's new foray into skankdom has parents all fucking mad. They think Dora should stay young and innocent, because that's why girls like her ass. One parent said, "If the Dora we knew grew up, she wouldn't be a fashion icon or a shopaholic. She'd develop her map reading skills and imagine the places she could go. It's such a sell out of Dora, of all girls."

I say, whatever to Dora growing up, but she should really go see a doctor. She might have some kind of mutant growth disease, because bitch's head takes up half her body! This is some Elephant Man shit. How is Dora supposed to work the ho stroll if her big ass head keeps causing her to topple over?

Some bitch has agreed to wake up to Vince Vaughn's nose hairs for the rest of her days. Or until his fupa suffocates her while she's going down on him.

Star Magazine says Vince and real estate agent Kyla Weber became engaged on Valentine's Day. The two met at a wedding last summer. Kyla had a boyfriend of four years at the time, but let that bitch go after she met Vince. Yeah, I'm saying she's a gold digger. She's also going to have to be a moco digger, because you know Vince is the king of nose nasties. I get that vibe from him. He's going to need her little finger to get up there and clean it out. Bitch will really have to dig for her money. Yes, I think about these things.

A source close to the situation said, "They spent a romantic weekend together. He dropped to one knee to propose and presented her with a gorgeous $125,000 4-carat diamond set in platinum. They'll have their wedding either in L.A. or Alberta, and they're both ready to start a family immediately!"

I can't wait to see the magazine covers next week. They will read: VINCE VAUGHN IS GETTING MARRIED AND WILL HAVE BABIES SOON (Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston still lonely & barren).

I'm always joking around that my ass is so gay it can shit stars, rainbows and hearts. Well, now it really fucking can thanks to Poopy Time Fun Shapes! All I have to do is stick a plastic tube up my ass, squeeze them cheeks and out comes the fun! I hope they make this in jumbo sizes, because that little thing isn't going to do. Tic-Tac in a whale!

If spewing out hearts and stars during caca times isn't your thing, you can also try The Turd Twister. They have over ten shapes to choose from! Everything from a moon turd to a Christmas tree turd. Seriously, it's not the holiday season until you've shat out a Christmas tree! The fun in your end never ends!

VIA Urlesque

File this under: Things that can make you impotent. Rosie O'Donnell told Ty Ty Banks on her show that Vadge has been giving her menopause advice. Rosie + Ty Ty + Vadge + Menopause = Dead nuts.

In an episode airing tomorrow and Friday, Rosie tells Ty Ty that she's been going through the change, "Well let me tell you one thing, Tyra: I am about to be 47 next month and Aunt Flow has not shown up for nine months. It started for me at 41...I would be in the bed, and I would wake up and the sheets would be soaking wet -- not damp -- soaking wet. I thought, 'Oh, Vivi (her daughter) crawled in here last night and maybe she wet.' So I would throw the covers off and turn to look -- and there's no Vivi, it's just Kelli (her partner in pussy). Then I'm like, 'Kelli is incontinent!' And then I realized, no it's me." _ __ ___ ____ ______ My brain just flatlined for a quick minute.

Rosie sees Vadge as a big sister (HA!), so she emailed her for advice, "When I started having my hormone things, I'm like, 'What the hell is going on?' she's like, 'Get the cream.'"

Coming from Vadge, "get the cream" could be code for so many things. The blood cream from a dude's ripped off ballsack? The cream from a Baby Jesus? The cream that many professional athletes inject into their muscly nalgas?

But Rosie probably doesn't have to worry about menopause anymore. When she read that e-mail from Vadge about the change, all her lady parts packed up their happy lil' shit and busted out of that bitch's ass. Vadge talking about menopause was way too much for them. Rosie probably thought it was just gas from her Mexican lunch.

VIA UsWeekly

Vivid Entertainment is piggybacking on OctoMommy's fame (the visual just destroyed me) by offering her $1 million for just one porn movie. Yeah, watching dudes dick slap her c-section scars is really going to make genitals explode in excitement.

TMZ says that Vivid is ready to make her a contract girl and if she agrees to that, her army of babehs will get full medical and dental insurance. But she'll have to do more than one porn.

Well, bitches have been calling her Octopussy, so she's already got the name. Or maybe she can call herself Vaginalina HOlie? Either will work. And for titles I'm thinking Eight Inches Is Not Enough, STRETCH Marks or Womb Raider? One of her "co-stars" can dress up like a giant sperm, she can dress up like an egg and they can do fucky times on a giant petri dish. Ugh. I can't. It's too early and the caffeine isn't even close to kicking in. I might have to shoot up coffee directly through my veins in order to deal.

OctoMommy is every kind of crazy, so I wouldn't pull out my pit hairs in shock if she actually went through with this. Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to this crazy.

Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into Dita Von Teese was on pause since November, but you can hit the play button again, but bitches are saying she's back to licking on Marilyn Manson's decapitated worm peen.

Page Six says that Marilyn came out of the W Hotel Sunday morning and told a bitch "he was waiting for his girlfriend." A quick minute later, Evan came out and the two got into a car and drove off to GROSSville.

I guess by this time tomorrow, Evan will be black-haired and red-lipped again. You can find her ass splashing around in a giant busted martini glass with rhinestone pasties on her nipples. Ugh.

If Evan wants to cause shame to her vag, then that's her thing. Bitch's snatch was just learning to smile again and now she's pulled this! Evan, your vagina isn't creaming in pleasure. It's fucking crying tears of pain because it has to kiss Marilyn's corroded cock creature again.

Personally, I'd rather get butt fucked by a plugged-in power strip than let Marilyn hit this.

Mickey Rourke's face may look like a Michael Myers' mask marinated in boric acid and then charbroiled over an open flame, but he's the first one to admit that. Mickey said his face got all jacked up from boxing and the plastic surgeon he went to butchered it even more.

Mickey said, "Most of it was to mend the mess of my face because of the boxing, but I went to the wrong guy to put my face back together. I had my nose broken twice. I had five operations on my nose and one on a smashed cheekbone. I had to have cartilage taken from my ear to rebuild my nose and a couple of operations to scrape out the cartilage because the scar tissue wasn't healing properly. That was one of the most painful operations, but the worst was hemorrhoids."

I will never forgive Mickey for the last part of that last sentence. It's bad enough that his face already looks like a puss-filled roid sprinkled with curry powder, but now I'm picturing what an actual Rourke roid looks like. That shit probably looks like an over-microwaved piece of gristle covered in La Victoria chunky hot sauce and garnished with pork rind bits. The devil made me do it. And then for some reason I imagine him sticking a roid needle in his actual roid....and then... I think I'm going to blackout.

While I go and find some smelling salts, look at these pictures of Mickey Rourke arriving at LAX yesterday. Rourke's roid... Not today!

The next time I should somehow find myself at a Motley Crue concert, I'm so going to throw a bottle of water at Nikki Sixx. Because the shit he would say to me, is the dirty, pornographic crap I like to hear.

At a Motley Crue show in San Diego a couple of weeks ago, Nikki threw a bottle into the audience. Of course, a chick in the audience threw it right back at him and this set Nikki off on a gutter rant.

Nikki pointed out the chick and said, "You think that shit's funny motherfucker? Suck my dick! Come here! Fuck you." After the old ass douchebag puffed up his chichis a little more, he went on to yell, "The fact that you're a fucking whore just means you can suck my dick a little more, bitch. Aw! She's fucking crying." I'm fucking crying too. Crying in the no-no from excitement.

If Nikki said that mess to me, I would've skipped on stage with knee pads, six Purell dipped condoms, a can of RAID, a gallon of Listerine, a Hazmat crew and a pair of safety glasses (just in case one of his rogue crabs jumped in my eye). I'd be ready to handle business. Don't threaten me with a good time, Nikki.

Nikki's rant is at the 1:30 mark in the clip above.

VIA Celebitchy

You'll also cross all your body parts and declare you're Amy Fisher's superfan after reading this quote she gave Page Six about how she's planning to tour the country's finest truck stop strip joints as a "high-paid" titty shaker. Note: high-paid to Amy is a $10 off coupon to Food 4 Less and a 5-pack of Natty Ice.

The Long Island Holita said, "I love to dance, and I'm an exhibitionist. I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, 'Dear, please put your clothes back on. You're too old.'"

Amy not the one who got it in the face, right? I mean, thinking she has fans?! Even dudes in prison would rather jack off to a toilet floater than this ho! But seriously, I am her biggest fan! I have her mug shot over my toilet and I've memorized every line in Casualties of Love. That being said, I am begging her to put on a fucking Hazmat suit. Bury it! Roll around in dirt! Jump in a tub of bologna! Do anything to cover yourself. Nobody wants to see your Buttafuoco!

P.S. - You can cancel that phone call to Bellevue you were about to make to have me committed for saying I'm Amy's #1 fan. I was lie-telling for the sake of humanity. But I wasn't lying about knowing the lines in Casualties of Love. Alyssa Milano was a revelation.

After hearing the news that Katherine HAGel, the wicked cunt of Grey's Anatomy, was leaving the show, I did a "fuck yes" dance (involves no-no wiggling and taint thrusting) and haven't really stopped. Until now. My ass can stop dropping to the floor in happiness, because Shonda Rhimes, the show's executive producer, said that shit was all lies. The frown on my face has returned and my teeth can go back to the "grind" position.

It seemed like the real deal, because Grey's cast member James Pickens Jr. is the one who said that shit. When asked if T.R. Knight and HAGel were going back to the gutter, he said "yes." But Shonda has pulled out the "taken out of context" card. At last night's NAACP Image Awards, she said, “Things happen, and … I think rumors become fact very easily. And you know I don’t like to tell you what’s going to happen on the show — but that is a rumor."

James, who will probably be punished for this by being forced to tongue kiss HAGel during a scene, back peddled and said, “When the question was posed to me, I was more trying to congratulate Katie and T.R. on whatever they were going to do. But yeah, I don’t have any special info about it either way.” Like I said, bitch was just praying out loud. And now his false prayers have hurt us all!

And I was about to add Grey's Anatomy to my Tivo once that HAGel stuck the broom up her culo and flew away. My Tivo wasn't pleased, but it has dodged the bullet this time!

James probably just said that shit in the first place to fuck with HAGel. He knows the bitch thinks she's the chunk in the jizz and wants to leave the show to become a big movie star. HA! Siiiiike, bitch.

Source: People