Hot Slut of the Day

Jack in the Box's Bacon Shake! Your search to find the perfect cup of blended romance to end your Valentine's Day after proposing to your piece with a Pizza Hut ruby ring on a Pizza Hut breadstick (from Pizza Hut's $10,000 engagement package) has ended. Jack in the Crack's bacon milkshake isn't on their menu, so you'll have to say it loudly to the cashier, but it's worth it solely for the "you're a gross piece of shit" eyes of judgement you'll get from the other customers who are about to order a delicious patty of creamed rat meat shoved between two corn syrup buns.

The Bacon Shake is made with vanilla ice cream, bacon flavored syrup, whipped cream and its topped with a cherry. It's ONLY 773 calories and 75 grams of sugar per 160z serving! Yes, that number made LeAnn Rimes' metabolism kill itself and I think I have love handles on my eyeballs just from reading that shit, but it's worth it. SFist reviewed this mess and they say it basically tastes like sweetened pig vomit. That makes me want this in my mouth even more. (If you only knew how many times a day I say that sentence out loud.)

It's bad enough that NYC doesn't have an In-N-Out, but we don't have a Jack in the Crack either. NYC is a magical gutter land where I can get a dry handjob from a crackhead while walking to the corner deli to buy seafood lo mein at 4am, but I can't get a delicious Bacon Shake from Jack in the Crack here. Oh, well. Until I get to California, I guess I'll just have to settle for a cup of sweetened pig vomit. They definitely have that at my corner deli. It's not on the menu, but if I ask for it at the counter, they'll get me a bottle of some from the back.

(For Jackie & Stacy)

This counterfeit Giants fan who exposed herself with one loud SAAAAANCHEEEEEZ. Today, this fake ass Giants fan is me, because if I was surrounded by a bunch of morning time drunks, was on my way to becoming drunk too, had my friend's coochie on my neck and a reporter asked me which Giants player I wanted to see, I'd probably randomly shout out the same thing. You're probably assuming that she means Sanchez, as in Mark Sanchez of the Jets, but I think she's really talking about a Dirty Sanchez. The cocktail, you sucios. Although, she could be talking about the other one too, because the only reason to go to that parade is to get some booze and peen.

via Buzzfeed

The monkey in the doll face hat from last night's episode of The River

So last night was the premiere of the show that ABC has been shoving down our eye sockets almost harder than NBC has been shoving that Smash shit down our eyes sockets. The River is sort of like Blair Watch (the sequel) meets Paranormal Activity meets The Jungle Book meets (hopefully) your mouth over a bong. I watched it sober and I do not recommend it. Snort Twinkie cream or freebase a Starburst or something. If you don't, it could be a work of pure comedy like it was for me. ABC kept warning our adult eyes that it'll make us scream through our assholes, but it just made me laugh. Like the part (SPOILER-ISH ALERT) with the monkey in the doll face hat. The main hos are walking through the jungle and they hear a little girl crying. They spot what they think is the little girl crouching on the ground, but when they get closer, it's really a doll face on a monkey's head. COMEDY! Those bitches started screaming like they just saw a SANS FARDS Jocelyn Wildenstein, but I would've been looking around to see if I accidentally stumbled into Lady CaCa's Monster Ball. I mean, why is that monkey wearing a doll face hat? Who does it think it is? The other monkeys are like, "THIS BITCH thinks it's doing couture now."

I bet this is what it looks like after Kim Kardashian lures a dude into her cave. Kim's plastic face pulls back and her real beast face comes out to suck the life out of her victim. Well, since I put it that way, maybe this shit is scary after all.

Jayne Meadows was born to Episcopal missionary parents in China (+2 Hot Slut points), is the sister of the late Audrey Meadows (+4 Hot Slut points), played herself in Casino (+1 Hot Slut point), was Billy Crystal's mama je'e in City Slickers (+0 Hot Slut points) and was the Queen of Hearts in a slightly fucked up 1980s remake of Alice in Wonderland (+infinity Hot Slut points) that starred Scott Baio as a pig (perfect casting is perfect), Ann Jillian, Sherman Helmsley, Carl Channing, Red Buttons, Donna Mills and literally every bright shining star in the 1980s universe.

But more importantly, Jayne Meadows should be recognized for her dedication to providing decadence to the public in the form of frosted pink lipstick, lip liner that was applied in the driver seat of her burgundy Cadillac during stop & go traffic, and her signature eyeglasses. The lenses on Jayne's glasses started out as clear, but as soon her gaze hits them they blush the same way you do when you come across breathtaking beauty. I swear, Jayne Meadows is what all Mary Kary sales associates look like in heaven.

And if you have something to say about Jayne that doesn't end with "and I worship the ground her gold lamay (Note: It's morning times and I'm too lazy to pull out the accent mark to spell lamay correctly) pumps walk on", then please direct yourself to this side-eye for my official response to your comment.

Aberdeen, the Australian Shepard Mix who was the breakout star of Puppy Bowl VIII and was robbed of Most Valuable Puppy! If you watched hours of the Puppy Bowl with your head hanging upside down over the sofa with a Tostito in your mouth, like I did, then you know that Aberdeen was the bright shining star of the Puppy Bowl and deserves the MVP trophy chew toy. Aberdeen scored at least four touchdowns and made the play of the game (see below) by running down the entire field without stopping to hump the defense, piss on the wall or lick his own ass. My dog would've been impressed but he was too busy falling into his 67th nap of the hour while licking his own ass.

But a serious crime against PUPMANITY!!! was committed when MVP went to 9-week-old Fumble, a chihuahua mix who probably scored only two points and spent most of the game taking a nap. There's no napping in pupball. Aberdeen knows what I'm talking about.

You know, the ref (I don't trust that bitch) and Fumble were likethis during the whole game, so something in the milk was RIGGED. Somebody needs to open up an investigation into this.

Coach Molly McGrath (as played by Goldie Hawn) from Wildcats - In honor of today being the day where we all witness the greatest and biggest sporting event of the year, the Puppy Bowl, I thought we should also honor the greatest and most accurate football movie of all-time (all-time being 1986), Wildcats!

Like most of Goldie's movies in the 80s, in Wildcats she played a scattered-brained blonde ostrich of a ho who throws herself into an unfamiliar situation and zany fucking hijinks ensue. You know, it's the same formula, same shit. Goldie tries to grab onto her dream of being a legendary football coach like her father by taking a job as a high school football coach to a bunch of asshole losers. They don't respect Goldie at first and treat her like cold shit, but eventually she tames their asses and transforms them from a bunch of losers into champions by having heart (and by asking Gisele Bundchen to send a "Let Us Pray" email to her friends and family.) And it has Jan Hooks in it so it can't go wrong. And AND there's also a (NSFW) quickie peen flash from Wesley Snipes.

It's been way too long since I've seen this mess of a movie, but thankfully it's on Amazon. So I can watch this shit after I watch a bunch of slobbery beasts mount each other and stick their noses in each other's assholes. I'm talking about the Puppy Bowl, not that other Bowl nobody cares about.

GO PUSSIES!

Julio CC Lopez, Mario Lopez's douchebag of a dog.

On Thursday night, I dragged myself out of my hermit cavern of cookie crumbs and American Stuffers reruns (Note: That show is fucked up) to go to Julie Klausner's live podcast show where she introduced me to the creepy Twitter world of Julio CC Lopez. Mario Lopez took a break from lifting nipple weights with his nipples (to put even more muscles on his nipples) and he queefed out a Twitter page for his dog Julio Lopez. Julio Lopez's Twitter is a safe place where Mario can drop the whole fake G-rated personality he gives us on Extra and be his true self: a bitch-loving douche hole slut. If the canine world was asking for their own version of Joe Francis, Mario Lopez as Julio Lopez would be their answer. Let us count thee ways....

There's a chance that one of my uncles is Julio CC Lopez's ghost Twitterer, so I'm just going to say that I'd rather hang out with Julio CC Lopez than Mario Lopez. But you should still keep your precious bitches away from Julio. Julio is the kind of douche who will sprinkle roofie powder on his butt hole before your dog sniffs on it.

Jemima Packington, the world's only known Asparamancer who makes predictions by tossing asparagus (not a euphemism) into the air and then reads the shapes they form after they've landed. The Miss Cleo of vegetables, who sort of looks like if Roseanne played Professor Trelawney in that Harry Potter shit, has been making predictions for years and she accurately predicted the fall of Gordon Brown, the credit crisis and The King's Speech winning Oscars. Jemima tells This Is Somerset that she inherited the gift of reading plants and shit from her great auntie who used to read tea leaves:

"It might sound silly to some people but my readings are very accurate. I have been doing readings using asparagus since I was eight years old. My great aunt read tea leaves and I have inherited her gift."

For 2012, the asparagus told her that the Euro will crash (duh), two British Royal baby friends will be born (pleasepleaseplease let one of those babies be Prince Hot Ginge and Layla Flaherty's) and a high-profile Brit will become one with death.

Jemima the Asparamancer ("Asparamancer" is also what you call someone who likes to read love poems and play love songs on their ukulele to asparagus) doesn't do private readings, but she will be showing off her skills at the British Asparagus Festival on April 23rd. I don't need to throw some asparagus up into the air to predict that the toilets at that festival will be nothing but puddles of plastic and misery by the end of the day.

via The Hairpin

The Mona Lisa's "twin sister" who was discovered by Madrid's Museo del Prado - This whole time, Mona Lisa has been smirking like she's a one-of-a-kind original ho when she's got a sister who was made by a different daddy at around the same time she was made. The Prado has had Mona Lisa's sister for years, but they really didn't think she was special until they were getting her ass ready for a da Vinci exhibit in France. The Prado always thought Copy Lisa was a basic bitch, because her background was completely black. But when they did tests on it, they discovered that the black paint was covering the same kind of landscape that's behind Mona Lisa. The black paint was added in the 18th century for some reason. That "some reason" being Mona Lisa trying to sabotage her sister so she can suck up all the attention for herself. Fame whoring trash!

Experts believe that the Mona Lisa copy (or Phony Lisa as some people have been calling her) was painted by Leonardo da Vinci's apprentice, Francesco Melzi, at the same time the original was painted. They think that it's possible that Melzi was in the studio as da Vinci painted Mona Lisa. That's what makes this copy extra special. After technical art people stripped away a few layers of varnish, they discovered that Mona Lisa had a pair of exquisite brows and was much younger than the original shows.

The Mona Lisa copy will hang in the Prado for a little while before going to France for the show.

Dlisted reader Riem said Copy Lisa looks like Chola Lisa to her and I sort of agree. I mean, I don't get a shot of Sharpie fumes to the nose when I look at her, but she does look like my cousin Cindy with her quickie brows on. You know, quickie brows are like dress rehearsal brows. It's like wearing a robe over your eyes instead of a full gown. If Cindy hasn't put on her full glamour face and somebody knocks on her door, she'll quickly slash a couple of brows over her eyes with an eyebrow pencil and call it good.

And now that Mona Lisa and Lisa Lisa are about to be reunited, I can't wait for them to star in a remake of Sister, Sister. Jackée Harry, please text your agent NOW!

via Daily Mail

They're taking our jobs! They're outsourcing to dogs now! But honestly, this labrador, or golden retriever, or Marley & Me dog, or overgrown beagle dog, or whatever she is (all big dogs look the same to me - NO RACIST) is a really dog secretary. Oh sorry, I mean a really good junior administrative assistant dog. This dog is serious about the job and gets it done fast. If this was you or me, we'd take ten times as long to even pick that paper up off the printer. Truth.

While waiting for it to print, we'd walk to the back, grab a Cactus Cooler out of the refrigerator and then talk to one of the vet assistants about how Sarah Michelle Gellar's wig on Ringer last night looked so thirsty and busted that not even a desperate chicken would lay an egg on that ugly shit. We'd eventually make our way to the front, grab the paper, look at it like it means something to us and immediately get distracted by all those pictures taped to the side. We'd ask the other assistant, "I haven't seen these before. Is that your daughter? She has your hair. Oh, that's not your daughter. Are you sure? You should call Maury. (crickets)." Finally after all that, we'd hand the receipt over to the customer but not before telling him, "Oh, shit. I loved your mom in Mermaids! Did you get that new dick yet?"

So yeah, this dog is doing a better job than you, me and everybody else. She should get DOGPLOYEE OF THE YEAR!

via Reddit (For Kane)