Pete Doherty

It's been a while since I've checked up on Pete Doherty and in case you're shooting up with the cold sweats in the middle of the night wondering about him, he's still a fingernail gunk of a mess. The Sun says that Dreamboat was strolling through a flea market in Paris with his girlfriend when his glazed-over eye marbles caught five of the most beautiful things he's ever seen in his entire life: a family of antique crackpipes from the 1930s! I'm sure that moment was like something out of a joint episode between Intervention and Antiques Roadshow. And of course, Dreamy's first question to the dealer was.......

"He loved them and said he would take them all – then asked the guy if the pipes could still be used to smoke with.

"Pete had a stunning girl on his arm who looked the spit of Kate Moss and he was very friendly, polite and funny."

In Dreamy's defense, he always asks if he can smoke crack out of it before he buys it. That should be everyone's number one rule in life: If you can't smoke out of it, don't waste your money on it! That's why I make sure all the butt plugs I buy can double as a bong.

The rats of London are aimlessly wandering the streets today, wondering whose ears they will nibble cheese out of in the middle of the morning now that their all-you-can-eat buffet Pete Doherty has been sent to the chokey for six long months! Never mind the rats, whose whiskey veins are alcoholic mosquitoes going to suckle on when they need an always reliable buzz?! And what about the bed bugs who holiday in the pools of grease on Dreamboat's scalp? The future of London's entire ecosystem is at stake here!

But a judge didn't care about that this morning when the gavel was brought down and Dreamy was sentenced to six months. I suppose Dreamy had it coming since he pleaded guilty to cocaine possession last month. The bobbies (just let me call them bobbies, okay) charged Dreamy with holding the bad shit after Robin Whitehead, a filmmaker working with him, died of an overdose in her apartment. Dreamy apparently gave her the shit that pushed her way over the edge. In court this morning, Dreamy said he was sad about her death.

This is the third time Dreamy has been jailed for drug shit.

Well, the least thing prison officials can do is to provide Dreamy with tubes of creamed coffee grounds and alley cat bile to keep his teeth as yellow as the butter lube Paula Deen slathers all over her cream pies. Dreamy without yallaw teefs is like the sun without shine.

via BBC News

Here's the always sexy Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty suffocating the grease-eating pore dwellers on his scalp by wearing an upside down barristers' wig outside of court in London yesterday. Oh, that Dreamy's always making a joke out of the British justice system one way or another! The scab crust on my heart was at his home away from the crackhouse yesterday to face charges for cocaine possession in connection with a socialite's death. Dreamy might've given her the 8 ball that took her over the edge. Dreamy bit the guilty bullet and will go back to court on May 20th for sentencing.

The judge let Dreamy know that because his criminal record is messy messy messy, he's probably going to go to jail for a third time. The accommodations in the chokey are nicer and more luxurious than the ones in Dreamy's own house (aka a tent made from old coats under a bridge), but he's not going there. In this day and age, no judge is going to put that precious face behind bars. Thanks to the royal wedding, all eyes are on England. They want to parade their prized beauties in front of the world, so he's not going anywhere.

And never mind that the wig on Dreamy's head looks better than Brit Brit's weave, he really isn't right for taking that shit. That's a health violation on every level. I'm sure the barrister put that wig back on her head before going back inside. Mutant lice are now running rampant all over the court house and they'll have to shut that shit down for fumigation for MONTHS! Wait. Maybe that was all part of Dreamy's plan after all. Naw. He just wanted to give everyone a quick tingle by accentuating his succulent jowls with that blonde wig.

Or you can also look at this picture as "Gollum getting high on his own farts while his fellow passenger quickly learns how to breathe through her asshole." In case you couldn't already tell from your nose hairs curling up and your carbon monoxide detector screaming for mercy, this is Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty steaming up a car with his lady friend in London. If the driver wasn't hospitalized for a collapsed lung then he must be made of bionic parts.

Being in that car was probably like being trapped in a well-insulated tent with an elephant who just ate a pool full of curry and the only thing in there for you to cover your nose with is Ke$ha's armpit. Fucking one of your nose holes with a skunk's used tampon is a more pleasant experience than sitting in that car with Dreamy. This is exactly what you see when you put a microscope up to one of your wet fart bubbles.

That said, I still would over and over again. Don't act like rolling around on a Slip 'N Slide covered with ass sweat doesn't sound like a good time. Afterward, you'd have to shave your hair, marinate in a bath of piping hot Febreze and get a priest to exorcise the stank from your pores, but it'd still be worth it!

Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty took a well-deserved break from shooting the movie "Confession D'Un Enfant Du Siecle" in Paris, France to spend time with his forever soulmate, a beautiful and delicious glass of sweet nectar. Have you ever seen a love so pure and true before? You can almost see a heart frame of foamy hearts around them. Aphrodite is like, "This is what I've been going on about!"

The two were in their own private world as Dreamy's new love whispered sweet nothings into his ear after he gently kissed it on the lips. Dreamy's hair fleas were so touched that they played Für Elise on each other's legs.

You know something is really in real love with you when it starts foaming at the mouth. Or maybe that glass of beer caught rabies from Dreamy.

No, this is not a picture of Joyce DeWitt after another drunken night of debauchery at the Regal Beagle. In case you couldn't tell from the puss that has pushed itself out of your zit hole and is now splattered across your monitor, this is Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty looking as swole as a pregnant lady's foot at the launch of his new exclusive line of luxury joo-ree in London tonight.

Just in time for Hanukkah! And just in time for flu season too since you will need a shot of something germ-killing before you slip up on one of Dreamy's trinkets. It's a good thing I get my CDC-mandated shots at the top of every month, because one of Dreamy's necklaces will be on my Christmas wish list this year! Wait. You can get that shit at Claire's, right?

If you are a card carrying member of The S.A.L.T., then you better put on your anti-masturbation gloves right now and run far far away from this post! Because the sight and smell (yeah, the co-worker next to you didn't burp and queef again) of Dreamboat Doherty will send a shot of lust straight to your loins that even God can't control. That burning itching down below needs to be scratched. If only RID made lube.

It's been a while since Dlisted's genital warts flared up for Dreamy, but here he is (with enough shit under his nails to start his own ant farm) peeking at all of the action outside of a court house in London during George Michael's sentencing. Whenever Dreamy misses the days of getting yelled at by a judge, he drives up to a court house to get his fix. This is his porn. You can tell, because his cracked out eyes are so wide that even STAINS is telling him to calm down.

And now, I'll leave the two of you alone. And I'll also place a call to the exterminator, because you totally have bed bugs now.

The inside of Amy Wino's house probably already looks like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (but more corpses and way more jugs of homemade booze), so imagine what that shit will turn into if Dreamboat Doherty moves his mess in with her. Their mutual stank will rise into the sky and form a signal to all roaches far and wide. So if you see a parade of roaches heading towards the Atlantic Ocean for the UK you now know why. No need to RAID their asses. They are headed for the promise land.

The Sun reports that Wino is currently renovating her Casa de Crackery in Camden and wants Dreamy to stay with her. A source said, "Amy has offered Pete a place to stay while he's in London working on The Libertines comeback. She thinks a lot of him and they've been through a lot together so she wants to help him out. But pals are worried because they are bad influences on each other."

If Wino and Dreamy live under the same roof, their kitchen cupboards will be completely empty except for broken light bulbs, burnt rolling papers, melted ice pops, random pube hairs, alley cat whiskers and half-filled mini bar booze bottles. Both Wino and Dreamy only clean their crotches once a month with a garden hose, so they will use the tub for a giant barf bin. Actually, that kind of sounds like a non-stop party. Do they need a third roommate?

But seriously, we all know what happened one of the last times these two wrecks got together?

On a positive note, at least they won't ever have to worry about a rodent infestation, because no mouse is going to go near that house.

Since Dreamboat Doherty decided to throw the media a twist by giving them a headline to write besides the usual of "Troubled Pete Doherty is in handcuffs", he has shuffled off to a hospital in France to be spend a little time there. The crust of my scab was supposed to perform at the Theatre de Verdure in Nice last night, but that shit was canceled at the last minute. Dreamy's fans were simply told le crackhead had been le hospitalized. No other details were given as to why Dreamy's veins are suckling up morphine in the hospital.

The Toronto Sun says that Dreamy's were madder than fish grease, "Three young Italian girls were really mad. They drove four hours from Italy to see Pete Doherty and couldn't believe the gig was cancelled. One of them was really furious and shouted, 'I can't believe he did that! It cost us time and money to come all the way from Italy.'"

Couldn't believe it?! Are these Italian girls freebasing the same shit as Dreamy? Going to a Dreamboat show is like sucking the dick of cokehead. When you're about to lick on the eye of a cokey cock, there's a good chance that the bitch isn't even going to lift its head and give you one note. That is why you should always book a second peen for the night just in case that cokey cock refuses to perform. Bitches should know this!

Here's Dreamy in Paris right before going off to the hospital. As usual, Dreamy looks like he smells of dryer sheets, kitten necks and the petal of a rose after a cloud tear has kissed it. Swoon. And Swoon.

Whenever you see a picture of Dreamboat Doherty's cherished dough-face on any site, you know to automatically scratch another line on the wall, because he's been arrested again. You're going to need a fresh new wall soon.

BBC News reports that Dreamy was taken to his home away from home on Friday to speak to police about his involvement in the death of heiress Robin Whitehead. Dreamy was arrested, because the police believe that Dreamy supplied Robin with copious amounts of the bad shit before her death. Robin was found dead in her apartment from an apparent overdose after she had tea and crumpets with Dreamy and three other men. And by "had tea and crumpets" I mean that they smoked crack and snorted heroin. Apparently, the police have video footage of Robin and Dreamy partaking in Amy Wino's former morning ritual.

Dreamy and the three dudes were charged with suspicion of supplying drugs. They were released on bail and they must return next month to answer to the charges.

What more is there to say about this? Dreamy sees the inside of a jail cell more than he sees the inside of a shower. Although, that's not saying much because he sees the inside of a jail cell more than his asshole sees a piece of toiler paper.

It's probably like a damn family reunion every time Dreamy gets arrested. All the cops cheer and hug Dreamy when he comes stomping through the front door of the police station. Everyone gets to catch up! As the cops use a salad tong covered with a GLAD bag to check his asshole for contraband (or Lindsay Lohan's career), they tell Dreamy how their wife and kids are doing, etc.. etc...