M.I.A.

Yes, it's almost a week later and we're still talking about M.I.A. burning the innocence of a million children by flipping a bitch off during Madge's Super Bowl halftime show. M.I.A. already gave an eye roll of an apology by blaming it on nerves, blah, blah, blah, blah... On Ryan Seacrest's radio show (via USA Today) this morning, he asked Madge about it. The old Madge would've shot up her middle finger at all the hos who are saying that M.I.A.'s middle finger was a big deal. The new Madge adjusted the stick in her culo and said that M.I.A.'s fuck you to America was highly inappropriate. Okay, MOM!

“I was really surprised. I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager…irrelevant thing to do…there was such a feeling of love and unity there what was the point? It was just out of place.”

Translation: "I was really surprised that one of my minions would go against my wishes. I understand M.I.A. is low-class trash and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of loving ME and good energy revolving around ME and the people positively worshiping ME! It's such a STUNT QUEEN thing to do and I'm supposed to be the ultimate STUNT QUEEN. There was such a feeling of loving ME and the people were uniting to bow at MY feet and then that Britatrash slag had to take the spotlight away from the spiritual art I was creating? When Moses was parting the Red Sea, did one of those slave children make the moment all about them by throwing up a middle finger? They knew their place! And now I looooooathe M.I.A. more than I loathe you know what."

In other words, M.I.A., you and your first born are in danger, girl.

Maybe it's because I'm on my way to becoming MVP of 2012's Super Smoke A Bowl, but that whole Super Bowl halftime show was an overstuffed ball of WTF wrapped in a sequined straitjacket made of pure CRAZY. That was like the dream sequence from The Big Lebowski crashing into She-Ra before getting hit head on with a glitter queef out of Elton John's ass. Madge LIP-SYNCHED FOR HER LIFE (and I think she fucked it up), LMFAO are like outcast Fraggles on low grade meth and Cee-Lo looked like a fat T-Rex dressed like a gay priest. Just every layer and shade of WTF. What I'm saying is, I think I liked it for that very reason.

Baby Brahim better be filling a tub made of children's skulls with BenGay, because Madge is going to need to SOAK her sore bones tonight after nearly falling on her ass. Madge twerked so hard that I'm sure she cracked two hips and pulled all her muscles. It's okay, I'm sure they're healing her with the saliva of Satan and fresh fetus veins. She'll be humping her mamaw crotch on Baby Brahim by midnight Indiana time.

Madge must have been slathered in a fresh coat of melted doll skin before she was carried out on the field, because she looked exactly like a retired Team America puppet. Bitch kind of danced like one too. And you should remember this show, because in about 20 years Lady CaCa will be doing a low-budget version when she performs at the halftime show for Queensborough Community College's touch football championship.

And in cased you missed it, here's M.I.A.'s STUNT EMPRESS (this is way beyond a Stunt Queen) move. Oh, M.I.A., you so edgeeee.

I love a middle finger, but I'd rather see Janet Jackson's nipple again.

via TDW & Buzzfeed

Yeah, that screenshot does look like a poodle in Marilyn Monroe drag begging for a treat....

It's the return of Madge thrusting her seasoned and weathered boy toy catcher right in your face. To whore out her Super Bowl halftime show on Sunday, Madge birthed out her video for that song that still sounds like an auto-tuned Toni Basil queef and this mess is the weirdest joint commercial between Old Navy and Target I've ever seen. Seriously, this video is a Magic the Dog cameo away from being an Old Navy commercial inspired by the cinematic classic Sugar & Spice as seen through the eyes of a David LaChapelle wannabe.

It's kind of like what happens when Lourdes spikes Madge's morning Benefiber with liquid acid. Madge busts out her spandex-covered crotch, suffocates a baby doll with her dry titty faucet, makes a team of young pieces grope her ass and relives the glory days by Like A Virgin-ing (with a dash of Material Girl and Vogue) herself. Usually when Madge is humping on a brick wall, I get Sally O'Malley meets Baby Jane vibes, but I didn't this time, so I don't hate it at all and her face does look as flawless as a shellacked Tupperware lid. But I'll probably like it a lot more when Sue Sylvester eventually does this video on Glee.

And Glittery Gays of YouTube, you know what to do.

You know that New York Times article where M.I.A. threw pieces of caca at Lady Gaga (that should be a nursery rhyme)? That article I tucked into bed last night and sang a sweet lullaby to? Well, apparently M.I.A. didn't love it as much as I did, because she has gone after Lynn Hirschberg, the writer of the article. The article wasn't exactly lapping up M.I.A.'s taint sweat, but it wasn't that bad either. M.I.A. doesn't agree and she Tweeted a cell phone number along with this tricky message:

CALL ME IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME ABOUT THE N Y T TRUTH ISSUE, ill b taking calls all day bitches ;)

That shifty bitch tricked her followers into believing that they were calling her, but the phone number actually belongs to Lynn Hirschberg. Lynn told the Observer that she's not changing her number even though she finds the whole thing "infuriating":

"It's a fairly unethical thing to do, but I don't think it's surprising. She's a provocateur, and provocateurs want to be provocative. The messages have mostly been from people trying to hook up with M.I.A. If she wants to get together with John at Bard next week, I have his number."

Here I was about to declare M.I.A. our new reigning cuntress, and then she goes and Tweets one of her arch rival's numbers? That burn isn't even going to leave a mark! A cunt to the core would get revenge by fucking that bitch's boyfriend on her favorite dress. M.I.A. needs more Aaron Spelling in her life!

Or M.I.A. could've just thrown Lynn into Courtney Love's cage.

via Pitchfork

Oh, M.I.A. where have you and your cuntified tongue been all my life? I just want to miniaturize myself so that I can sit on M.I.A.'s bottom lip and give her words of cuntery a quick hug before they come flying out of her mouth.

Last month, the ever-so-crazy M.I.A. flicked Lady Gaga's urethra when she said she "isn't progressive." And in a new interview with The New York Times, M.I.A. once again yanked at Gaga's tuck with this:

“With our video, we were really copying ‘Telephone'. Both our videos are road movies. We kill people, and they kill people. They start out in a prison, and we start out in a squat, hunting people down...... I can’t talk about Gaga anymore. All I’ll say is, it’s upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they’re calling her name.

You can’t really say that Gaga is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."

Babies aren't calling Gaga's name when they say "ga ga." They are calling her name when they fart. WELL, M.I.A. started it! I'm just trying to follow the master.

M.I.A. doing the "contractions bounce" while performing at the Grammys last night almost made me go into fucking labor for her. I wanted to jump through the screen with a mini-mattress and follow her around just in case the baby dropped out of her pussy from all that bouncing around. The baby was probably all dizzy and shit.

At one point, I think I saw the baby's head sneak out, but it could've been the 4th glass of ghetto wine cooler (Chateau Diane & Mott's apple juice) talking. Even if the baby did slide out of her coochie, she probably would've grabbed the umbilical cord, twirled that shit like a lasso above her head and kept on going. Bitch is no joke. I mean, there very well could have been baby water all over the stage, because homegirl was due yesterday.

If you missed that shit, click here to see it. M.I.A.'s performance kind of reminds me of my cousin trying to "drop it like it's hot" during her wedding reception when she was 7-months pregnant. Seeing her hike up her wedding dress and shake that ass made me so proud.

Here's also a few pictures of M.I.A.'s acid trip maternity wear last night. I'm pretty sure she bought her outfits in the placemat and shower curtain aisles at Big Lots.