Chris Brown

The Difficult Brown was his usual charming and gracious self on Thursday morning when he grabbed the mic at the Emerson Theater in Hollywood and shat out some smegma-covered words of advice to men on how to treat women. TMZ has the video of the tattooed, shriveled up Gollum on meth instantly making Mel Gibson one of his most devoted disciples by opening up the crusted-over anus hole on his face to spit out this Shakespearean sonnet (via HuffPo):

"Every guy in this building has said one thing to their female ... If you're not an insecure nigga, and you let her have fun with her friends, I applaud you. But you gotta say that one thing to her, and I made this shit up. [sings] Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby! It is mine, baby, babe, mine. Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby. It's mine girl, it's mine girl, it's mine... So you better not give it away.

So every person in this motherfuckin' building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that to her. Cause she might fuck another nigga."

And just like that, Mel Gibson found his new ringtone. What a beautiful song. If they ever make What's Love Got To Do With It The Musical, I'm sure Ike will sing out this love song in the act one finale.

What more is there to say about this haggard crackhead turtle? Everything has already been said. I would say that RiRi should evict Fist Brown from her pussy and change the locks, but she's probably creaming over this. And she's the one who pays the mortgage and maintenance bills on her pussy! I can't, but I never can when it comes The Difficult Brown.

And here's Chris Brown's property letting out her signature goat yodel at the first show on her Diamonds World Tour in Buffalo, New York last night.

RiRi was totally right when she said that Fist Brown is completely changed, because look at him being a changed man at a bowling alley in Studio City, CA last night. After leaving a charity event at PINZ bowling alley, the buck-toothed menstrual berry threw a tantrum when the parking valet told him he had to pay the $10 valet fee to get his car. Since the tattooed dingle hanging out of a beaver's ass just can't resist an opportunity to act like a complete asshole, he cursed out the valet and refused to pay the $10. See, totally changed!

TMZ has the video that shows the valet not backing down even though Fist Brown keeps bitching and moaning about how he's not going to pay the ten stupid dollars. At one point, Fist Brown's bodyguard puts some ice on his raging b-hole by telling the valet that they have the money. That didn't help and it made The Difficult Brown even more difficult. Fist Brown said to the man who was just trying to do his job, "We're gonna turn this whole thing out." Eventually, that piece of trash got his car keys and he drove away. TMZ doesn't know if Fist Brown ended up paying the $10. A source told them that he got mad, because he was only inside for 30 minutes and didn't think he should pay the fee.

I know Fist Brown would choke out his own shadow if he thought it was looking at him funny, but turning on the crazy over ten measly ass dollars? During that minute-long tantrum, Fist Brown probably made $10,000 and he's still acting like a dick over an amount of money that ain't shit to him. Of course, Fist Brown has to get bitchy on a dude who's smaller than him. What an incredible asshole. Can't we fast forward to 20 years when that valet is walking by a 7-Eleven and a broke ass Chris Brown is outside begging him for $10?

In case you didn't already know from her 5,000 tweets about it, RiRi is back to boning on The Difficult Brown full-time and she tells Elle UK (via NYDN) that she wants to be with him forever and ever and she feels like they have a fresh new start. The "fresh new start" sounds like something straight out of a douche commercial and that's pretty fitting. When talking about her single "Stay," RiRi farted out something about how the song is about wanting to be with a bitch until the end and she definitely has that feeling for Chris Brown. It's safe that she was also definitely fucked up on the wrong shit when she said it:

"‘Stay' is a story about having love that close and wanting it to last forever. You don't have that feeling with everybody so when you have it you don't want to let go of it. I would definitely say that he is the one I have that kind of relationship with. What we want is a great friendship that's unbreakable. Now that we're adults we can do this right. We got a fresh start and I'm thankful for that.“I have my own reasons, very very private reasons [for taking him back]. Very personal. A lot of things. Bottom line is - I know him. I had a lot to think about and I had a lot of time to think about it. I was trying to do this for myself.”

RiRi then said that she definitely wants to pussy pop out a baby someday and she stopped herself from saying that she wants to make one with The Difficult Brown, because even that ho knows not to go THAT far.

"Shall I say this? I will probably have a kid. [Who'll be the father?] I can't tell you that. It's not my business. It's God's business."

God's business? So God is going to tell her coochie which dick to suck a load of baby batter from? Well, hopefully God points her in the direction of any dick that doesn't belong to Chris Brown. I don't know why she would want to have a baby with Chris Brown. Chris Brown is already a toddler and the worst kind of toddler. He gets pissed off at everything and instead of shitting himself while pounding his fists on the ground, he shits in your eye and then pounds his fists on your face. So why would she want to deal with two fist pounding toddlers at the same time?

Seen here at Elton John's Oscar party looking like a smug bookworm, Chris Brown slipped into the confessional booth at The Mirror of all places and let out a steaming pile of regrets for what he did to RiRi 4 years ago. The Difficult Brown supposedly told The Mirror that sometimes the one you're with peeps at your phone and you get mad at them and repeatedly bash their face into the car window, but that doesn't mean you don't love them anymore. Chris Brown said that RiRi loves him again and he's worked hard to get her trust back. Chris Brown started to say some other things, but he saw someone trying to take his parking space, so he had to cut the interview short to knuckle that bitch in the eyes.

“Sometimes you row, you fight, with the one you love and things get said, stuff spirals. That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake. But she loves me – what can I say? I’m forgiven… but, yes, I worked hard for it.

People attack me and criticise me, it happens all the time. But they don’t know me, and they don’t know us. It doesn’t bother me any more. Other people can judge us but they don’t know anything. I’ve learned a lot since that night and I’ve grown up. I was very young and I took a lot of stuff, fame, for granted. I didn’t understand it. The support from those who do know me and the fans, who are incredible, got me through."

This is coming from The Mirror, so as far as we know they could've pulled out the Yellow Pages (does that shit still exist?), picked out some random Chris Brown and called them up. Instead of talking to the infamous rabid beaver, they were probably talking to a 56-year-old man named Christopher Brown from Millville, Delaware who was telling him about how he once yelled at his Golden Retriever for chewing on his favorite pair of New Balance sneakers. If The Mirror really wanted to make me believe that these words actually came out of Chris Brown's mouth, they should've put the line, "You know, just like Jesus," after every other sentence. Then I would've totally believed that this came from Chris "Martyr" Brown.

RiRi's health insurance rate dropped by 75% last week when it was reported that she and The Difficult Brown broke up, but like most awful things in life (examples: herpes, the new 90210, Donald Trump's ability to speak), their love is not going away even though all of us want it to. RiRi spent some of her 25th birthday yesterday holding the hand that beat her face in a few years ago. While wearing my laundry bag as a skirt, RiRi trolled the beaches of Oahu with Chris Brown and shared a joint  with him. That poor joint. Just like Chris' silky shorts, it probably wants to escape and get far away from this entire mess.

I'm not sure what's going on in this picture. Is he trying to jack off on the sand, but can't get it up, so RiRi's consoling him? Is he trying to push out a stubborn doody bubble and RiRi's giving him moral support by throwing her arm around him? Did he finally come to the realization that he's Chris Brown and is choking on the river of diarrhea that's rising up his throat?

And RiRi and Chris Brown better set their DVRs, because next week's Law & Order: SVU is dedicated to them!

The actor playing the Chris Brown-ish character needs to turn down the raw emotion, because Chris Brown was not THAT believable when he gave a fake non-apology.

Because RiRi thinks she's the second coming of Bob Marley and a hero to all stoners, she Instagrammed a picture of the marijuana plant somebody gave her for National Single Awareness Day and added the note: "Roses are green! Somebody knows how to make me happy." You probably didn't read any of those words, because as soon as that picture loaded your mouth pulled your head toward the screen and you'll stay stuck there until the people who clean your office at night pry you off, Windex your screen and then put your mouth back on it.

Some people think that RiRi's bouquet from FTD's Willie Nelson collection came from Chris Brown. If it did, then RiRi must've found later that her marijuana plant was actually a bushel of funny-looking oregano, because they both showed up to Playhouse in Hollywood last night and she treated him like he was Frank Ocean and she was him. RiRi sat far away from him and kept throwing her stank face at him. Some witness type said this to UsWeekly:

"[They were] not at all on speaking terms. She refused to sit with or even near him. When she noticed he was there, she made a huge show of rubbing her presence in his face."

Please tell me that "rubbing her presence in his face" is just a really polite way of saying that she threw her dirty tampon at his face or dropped a queef bomb in his piña colada. But really, this is just The Difficult Brown and RiRi being The Difficult Brown and RiRi. You know, he tries to kill her, they kiss, they make up, he tries to kill her again, they kiss, they make up, etc... That's just them.

It's pretty obvious that The Difficult Brown is the one who gave her that beautiful gift, because he knows that marijuana reduces the intensity of pain. That is SO caring of him.

And here's some extremely riveting pictures of RiRi going to another club last night.

The bodyguard's piping hot side-eye says a million things including, "I will have to tag Adele out and jump in if that hand comes up higher," so when this picture started making the rounds after the Grammys on Sunday night, somebody made up a story that Adele read Chris Brown his rights for not standing up for his parking space rival Frank Ocean. The story was sort of (not really) believable, because Adele was dressed like an off-duty schoolmarm who is always schooling brat ass tricks, so it sort of (not really) made sense that she would scold that throbbing urethra wart. Everybody from The Sun to the Daily Mail to HuffPo picked up the "Adele tells Chris Brown off" story and ran it as the truth. But Adele stuck a needle in everyone's bubble yesterday when she said on Twitter that she wasn't slapping a trick down with her words, she was throwing him a compliment. WHA??????!???

Unless your name is Scott Peterson, Ike Turner, Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen, what is there to compliment Chris Brown on? Maybe Adele complimented Chris Brown on his anorexic anaconda dick? Or maybe Adele complimented him on his toddler boys communion suit from Sears? No, Adele probably gave him a pat on the back for going a full day without whooping a trick or throwing a full-on rage fit in the middle of a parking lot. He really should get a gold star for that.

Parking space rivals Frank Ocean and Chris Brown were up against each other for the Best Urban Contemporary Album award and when Frank Ocean won, everybody stood up, because they stand up for EVERYTHING at the Grammys. Well, everybody stood up except for Fist Brown. I guess bitch doesn't love it when somebody beats him for a change. The truth is, everybody would've called The Difficult Brown a fake bitch if he did stand up for his parking space rival, but I'd like to think that he didn't stand up, because he gambled with a fart and lost in an Al Roker way and didn't want people to see it seeping through his pristine white pants.

But the best part of this moment (brought to us by Buzzfeed) isn't Fist Brown refusing to stand, it's the fact that Adele read him with just one simple side-eye. And she delivered it while wearing one of Mrs. Doubtfire's favorite outfits. Now that's some shit to stand up for.

File this under: Another metaphor for The Difficult Brown's life.

Four years ago, Chris Brown smashed RiRi's face into a car door the night before the Grammys and on this year's Grammy Eve, he smashed his Porsche's face into a wall. No lady faces were hurt this time. So that means Chris Brown is growing, right?

TMZ, The Los Angeles Times, Radar and everybody else says that Chris Brown was driving his Porsche to the Debbie Allen Dance Academy for the Symphonic Love Foundation event in L.A. yesterday when he claims two paparazzos cut him off, causing him to lose control and crash into a wall in an alley. The Difficult Brown's Porsche was totaled and his spokeswhore blamed it all on the paparazzi. But the owner of one photo agency tells TMZ that the paparazzi showed up to the scene after The Difficult Brown crashed his Porsche and no photographers were chasing him. The owner said that they weren't the reason why Chris Brown crashed his Porsche. So if the paparazzi aren't to blame, who is? My guess is that Chris Brown caught his Porsche peeping at his phone, so he really showed it by smashing its face into the wall.

And as Frank Ocean quietly cackles at the fact that Chris Brown has one less car to park in his parking space, Team Breezy is probably trying to make the hashtag #theporschedeservedit happen on Twitter.

At The Daily Mail, they have a picture of a malnourished Chris Brown making his way to court and I know this post should be about how he obviously beat up a low-level insurance agent from the 1970s to get that wrinkly suit, but I'm too busy shaking my head at RiRi walking behind him with a look in her eye that says, "Get my good side, bitch."

Chris Brown and his lawyer Mark Geragos were in a Los Angeles court room today to answer to the D.A.'s accusation that he faked most of his community service hours and should have his probation revoked. Not much happened in court today, the judge said he needed to look over the prosecutor's evidence, told Chris Brown to meet with his probation officer within the next two days and then a hearing date was set for early April. But RiRi's ass showed up with Chris Brown and put on a show in the court room...

Hollywood Life says they walked into the court room together and when RiRi sat with his mom, she blew him a kiss. Then after the hearing was over, they walked out of the court room arm-in-arm and she looked like she was trying to cheer him up. Chris Brown is on probation for beating RiRi's face and there she was blowing him kisses of love.

RiRi and Chris Brown really are going all out with the stunts this time. I'm surprised they didn't show up to court with their wedding clothes on and asked the judge to marry them since he's changed, they're in love and the judge is a judge. If you're going to pull a STUNT QUEEN move, really pull a STUNT QUEEN move.

And after court, Chris Brown's lawyer held a press conference where he said that the D.A. is "torturing" The Difficult Brown and he wants the judge to hold them all in contempt for spreading lies by saying that Chris made up his community service hours.

I don't even know what to say to that mess, but I will say that I can't believe it took me this long to ask: What in scalped horse hell is that on RiRi's head?