Joaquin Phoenix

It is against my belief system to speak foul about international treasure Charo, so don't try to trick me into addressing the invisible hand pinching her nose or the family of slugs that have taken shelter inside of her lips. I don't believe in many things, but I do believe in Charo (and spray cheese and ceiling stars and puppy pee art and Fun Dips and etc...). You can't break me!

Instead I'm going to celebrate the fact that Charo showed up to a Peta event dressed up like she's 23 years late for a La Isla Bonita theme party. But if Charo showed up wearing coolats made out of CROCS and a shrug made out of UGGS, I'd still cuchi cuchi at her feet.

And here's a bunch of hos who got to throw red petals at Charo's feet last night. In order: Iggy Pop with Nina Alu, Kellan Lutz, Shirley Manson, Lea Michele (either her tampon is falling out or the bitch has to piss), Steve-O, Kelly Osbourne, and Joaquin Phoenix.

That whole "retiring from acting to start a career as a rapping hobo who houses a family of lice in his pits and a family of scabs in his dick bush" act that Joaquin Phoenix pulled 2 years ago was just that....an act. Casey Affleck, who documented Joaquin's supposed fast crawl into the gutter, made this shocking announcement to The New York Times. Fill out your "I Feel So Betrayed" cards and slip them into the box outside of Casey's office after class.

Casey says 99% of I'm Still Here is fake including Joaquin's awkward, pube pulling interview with David Letterman. Casey claims that David was not part of it and genuinely believed that Joaquin's brain had turned upside down.

The footage from "Joaquin's childhood" that plays at the beginning of the movie was shot in Hawaii with a bunch of actors. Casey went on to say, “It’s a terrific performance, it’s the performance of his career. I never intended to trick anybody. The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.”

I'm not sure if this makes me think that Joaquin is less crazy than before or more crazy. I'm going to go with the latter, because I'm Still Here is a peroxide job away from being Spencer Pratt's life story. No sane bitch would do that shit on purpose.

Actually, I take that back. Joaquin might have the right idea. Let's all stop bathing, act like dicks to everyone, snort a lot of lines, get fat, shit on our friends and hump on hookers.... And just when our family members are about to drop a 5150 on our asses, we'll be like, "JUST KIDDING! I WAS ACTING!"

Here's the trailer for Joaquin Phoenix's mockumentary "I'm Still Here," which is basically hardcore porn for lice and scabies.This mess is one full minute of mangy Joaquin running around while an elder hobo rattles on about mountain top water drops and streams and shit. This pepaw is actually comparing Joaquin to a crystal clear drop of Sparkletts! Pepaw's doctor needs to up his prescription, because that's straight-up crazy talk. It sounds like pepaw snatched that shit out of the pages of Joy Luck Club.

Joaquin might be a mountain top water drop after its journey down the hill gets cut short when it runs into a giant mound of deer shit covered in thirsty maggots. But that's it! Joaquin isn't a mountain top water drop! He needs to cleanse his stank in a shower of mountain top water drops mixed with Ammonia and extra-strength RAID.

This is the poster from the mockumentary about Joaquin Phoenix retiring from acting to pursue a life as a scabies-infested dirty ball of hair coughed into an alley way by a mangy cat with bad allergies.

Joaquin snorted up half the title, so you might not be able to read it. This mess is called "I'm Still Here". It really should've been called "Casey Affleck Sexually Harassed EVERYONE While Making This Shit". Or "Why Didn't James Franco Think Of This?".

via Movieline

Have you always wanted to see Joaquin Phoenix get shat on while he slept? Or as Joel McHale would say, get a Spencer Pratt to the face while he twirled away in dreamland? Well, you've got luck in your pocket (and sickness in your brains), because word is that Joaquin's documentary features a scene where one of his arch rivals literally takes a shit on top of him. While a dookie on Joaquin's face doesn't sound like a pretty sight, anything is better than that hairy shit on his face.

The news went around last week that Casey Affleck, who directed that shit, is shopping the documentary I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix around to buyers. The L.A. Times says that while some people are interested in buying Joaquin's shit party for one, most left the screening scratching their heads and not because his flea-ridden appearance gave them the itches.

Agents at William Morris Endeavor, the sellers of the Casey Affleck-directed film, have started showing the movie to potential distributors, and while some were apparently interested in bidding for “I’m Still Here’s” distribution rights, the shoppers left the screening perhaps even more mystified by Phoenix’s behavior than when they walked in.

Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Buyers still aren't sure if the movie is real or a hoax, so the caca on Joaquin could actually be ground beef from Taco Bell or one of Fishstick Paltrow's dishes from GOOP.

And tell your genitals to calm down, because I doubt the frontal nudity is anything to fap about. If the beard matches the pubes, then it probably just looks like an albino mole peeking through a dead shrub.

Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was running around looking like a dingle-ridden matted hairball found inside Brit Brit's weave? Remember when he went full Courtney Love on David Letterman? Remember when he tried to become the Vanilla Ice of Skid Row? Well, as many of you suspected, it was all a hoax! Probably. Maybe. I think.

Deadline Hollywood said that a mockumentary of Joaquin's insane hobo adventures is making the rounds to the studio. The mockumentary was shot by Joaquin's friend Casey Affleck. Deadline Hollywood says this:

ME is selling the film, and it may only take a couple of days to reach a deal. I hear the agency and the distributors intend to keep the mock's content under wraps for as long as they can for maximum shock value. (So it won't be part WME Global's sales push at the Cannes Film Festival.) Presumably, the film answers Hollywood's bewilderment about whether Joaquin was serious about quitting acting -- or whether he was just, well, acting.

You know, I expect this kind of trickery from "performance fartist" James Franco, but not Joaquin! How dare he toy with our emotions like this. Those of you who spent your hard-earned booze money on sending Joaquin a hot comb and lice shampoo should sue Joaquin! Not to mention all those sleepless nights you spent devouring whole cakes to deal with the stress of worrying about Joaquin's mental state. That fupa bulge in your pants is Joaquin's fault. SUE HIM!

And Lindsay Lohan should force Ali Lohan to carry around a camera so she can tell people that she's not really a delusional crackhead who would fuck a maggot for an 8-ball. She's just acting for a mockumentary!

Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty's prune cake).

Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she's busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she's suffering on the inside from Betty White's grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that's not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.

Here's a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world's memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey's second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).

The last time we left Joaquin Phoenix, he was looking like something you might find stuck on one of the Kardashian's used waxing strips. And he was also doing that "rapping as performance art" thing. This was a few months ago. Well, Joaquin took a long Calgon bath and danced a beautiful dance with a BIC. Joaquin is now back to looking like the dude you used to flick your genitals to while watching Ladder 94.

Joaquin joined Liv Tyler and Noah Cyrus' less famous sister in a promo for To Write Love on Her Arms, a suicide prevention organization.

It's nice to see hot Joaquin again, but I'm not sure it was a good idea pairing him with Miley Cyrus. Miley's voice makes all of us want to crawl under a bridge and live there for the rest of our days.

via UsWeekly

When Joaquin Phoenix gets up in the afternoon, does he pull his clean ass out of bed, walk to his backyard, roll around in dirt, throw a shit load of fleas on his beard, smear a bar of dick butter (found in any Food 4 Less) on his body and then head out the door? It's pretty much looking like Joaquin's whole "crazy man under the bridge" act is just that...a fucking act! The dick cheese doesn't smell authentic!

Last night in Miami, Joaquin performed at the Fontainebleau Hotel at around 2 in the morning. During his low-budget rap act, some douchebag in the audience got all cunty with Joaquin. This was Joaquin's cue to say, “We have a fucking bitch in the audience" The dude in the audience kept on, so Joaquin really burned him, “I've got $1 million in the bank. What have you got bitch?”A few beats later, Joaquin dropped his mic, bounced into the audience and Chris Browned the bitch. Security broke the fakery up and kicked Joaquin out of his own show.

Of course, Casey Affleck got the whole thing on tape for that "documentary" they are making.

Okay, I understand that Joaquin wants to join the "You So Artsy" club by doing this performance art shit, but can he drop the homeless man look? Can't he be a hot and freshly shampooed crazy person? Joaquin looks like one of the members of ZZ Top after spending time in The Biggest Loser house. That is not the look.

The unabomber's homeboy (Letterman's words, not mine) sat with David last night and this shit was all sorts of uncomfortable in a "Is this even funny?" kind of way? Usually, when I watch some shit, I get one major reaction, but that wasn't the case with this. It was funny, then pube-pulling akward, then just weird.

Did the spirit of Andy Kaufman jump into Joaquin's body? Is this all part of his douchy performance-art piece? Is he freebasing RAID? Is there a straitjacket somewhere calling his name? Or is he just fucking completely done and over it? If he's had it with Hollywood, why is he going through the motions? He looks like he'd rather take a bubble bath (and that's saying a lot) than sit there with Dave. And I couldn't tell if Dave was in on the joke or playing along.

I co-sign David's closing line, "Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight." I've been saying that shit for the past month since this flea-ridden madness started.

You know, Joaquin recently made a movie with Fishsticks Paltrow. That answers many questions in my head. Overexposure to Fishy Paltrow has this effect on people.