Joaquin Phoenix

Joaquin Phoenix will probably get an Oscar nomination for playing a crazy, wild cult member (Note: He's basically playing Jenna Elfman.) in The Master and he said in Interview Magazine last month that he could give a shit about wrapping his hand around a gold-plated dildo man trophy. Joaquin said the Oscars are utter bullshit and he doesn't want to be a part of it at all. Just when I was starting to hope that the Academy would tell Joaquin to eat shit and give an Oscar to a Phoenix who really deserves it (example: A lifetime achievement Oscar to Rain Phoenix for her work in Maid to Order and To Die For), he's trying to make nice.

The studio and Joaquin's publicist have dropped him on a tricycle and told him to back pedal, bitch, back pedal! The Sydney Morning Herald asked Joaquin if he thinks his hate for the Oscars will cost him a nomination and he said this:

"I guess I sound like a dick. I didn't even know that I was in a position to do something that would cost me something. But I know that first of all, I wouldn't have the career that I have if it weren't for the Oscars. I haven't been in a lot of movies that have made a lot of money … And getting nominated for a movie has probably helped my career tremendously. But in some ways it's the antithesis of what you want to be as an actor. You're always trying to free yourself of the artifice, which is really difficult. Especially when you suck, like me."

Then he was asked if he thinks he's getting a nomination.

"Come on man, you know that it's more complex than that. It's not like I fucking hate the Oscars … It doesn't occupy my time to where I can build up hate. What I was reacting to was sometimes the reverence that we have about these things. I don't want to revere it."

Douche, please. Joaquin wants us all to think he's like "whatever" about an Oscar nomination, but you know that when nobody's looking he practices his acceptance speech in the mirror while holding a trophy he bought from eBay. When he's not doing that, he's on the phone with Nate Silver, begging to know his chances. He probably sounds like a strung out crackie when he's on the phone with Nate Silver. "Is it a hard 80.987% or a soft 80.987%? I NEED TO KNOW! I will suck yo dick if it helps. Please!"

Joaquin is wasting his time, though. He will get an Oscar nomination, but he won't win. See, the major twist in Les Miserable is that Fantine not only cuts off her hair, but she gets a female-to-male sex change too. Anne Hathaway will get Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress and Best Supporting Actress. She's going to win all the Oscars on Oscar night, so Joaquin can stay under his bridge.

Joaquin Phoenix is getting Oscar buzz (slap me with a dry carrot the next time I type "Oscar buzz") for his performance as a young Suri Cruise in The Master, but he let everyone know that he's not playing the Oscar game, because it leaves a gross taste of carrot caca in his mouth. During a talk with film critic Elvis Mitchell for Interview (via HuffPo), Elvis brought up the Oscar talk and it made Joaquin get on the floor and heave out pieces of rotten carrot bits. Joaquin was nominated for Walk the Line and he says the entire experience made him want to knee the Oscar trophy in its b-hole. Joaquin and Elvis' Oscar talk went like this:

MITCHELL: So what are you going to do when they put you on the awards circuit for The Master? 

PHOENIX: You're out of your mind, dude. You're out of touch with what has happened. 

MITCHELL: I think we've established that you're the one who's out of his mind. [Phoenix laughs] You don't think that's going to happen?

PHOENIX: I'm just saying that I think it's bullshit. I think it's total, utter bullshit, and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't believe in it. It's a carrot, but it's the worst-tasting carrot I've ever tasted in my whole life. I don't want this carrot. It's totally subjective. Pitting people against each other . . . It's the stupidest thing in the whole world. It was one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life when Walk the Line was going through all the awards stuff and all that. I never want to have that experience again. I don't know how to explain it—and it's not like I'm in this place where I think I'm just above it—but I just don't ever want to get comfortable with that part of things.

I know how Joaquin feels, because watching I'm Still Here was like going through the most uncomfortable period ever. But that Oscar crap is not that serious! GOOPY Paltrow, Crash, Helen Hunt and Al Pacino (for Scent of the GD Woman) all won Oscars, so it's obviously just one, big long joke. Joaquin doesn't have to get all melodramatic about it. More like JoaQUEEN Phoenix. Joaquin really hates the Oscars, because it's the only time he's forced to take a shower and wash his pits. That's the real reason.

And speaking of worst-taking carrots, Joaquin needs to stop acting like he wouldn't stick his tongue out if somebody dangled this worst-tasting carrot in front of him:

Yes, Joaquin, you DO want this Carrot.

It is against my belief system to speak foul about international treasure Charo, so don't try to trick me into addressing the invisible hand pinching her nose or the family of slugs that have taken shelter inside of her lips. I don't believe in many things, but I do believe in Charo (and spray cheese and ceiling stars and puppy pee art and Fun Dips and etc...). You can't break me!

Instead I'm going to celebrate the fact that Charo showed up to a Peta event dressed up like she's 23 years late for a La Isla Bonita theme party. But if Charo showed up wearing coolats made out of CROCS and a shrug made out of UGGS, I'd still cuchi cuchi at her feet.

And here's a bunch of hos who got to throw red petals at Charo's feet last night. In order: Iggy Pop with Nina Alu, Kellan Lutz, Shirley Manson, Lea Michele (either her tampon is falling out or the bitch has to piss), Steve-O, Kelly Osbourne, and Joaquin Phoenix.

That whole "retiring from acting to start a career as a rapping hobo who houses a family of lice in his pits and a family of scabs in his dick bush" act that Joaquin Phoenix pulled 2 years ago was just that....an act. Casey Affleck, who documented Joaquin's supposed fast crawl into the gutter, made this shocking announcement to The New York Times. Fill out your "I Feel So Betrayed" cards and slip them into the box outside of Casey's office after class.

Casey says 99% of I'm Still Here is fake including Joaquin's awkward, pube pulling interview with David Letterman. Casey claims that David was not part of it and genuinely believed that Joaquin's brain had turned upside down.

The footage from "Joaquin's childhood" that plays at the beginning of the movie was shot in Hawaii with a bunch of actors. Casey went on to say, “It’s a terrific performance, it’s the performance of his career. I never intended to trick anybody. The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.”

I'm not sure if this makes me think that Joaquin is less crazy than before or more crazy. I'm going to go with the latter, because I'm Still Here is a peroxide job away from being Spencer Pratt's life story. No sane bitch would do that shit on purpose.

Actually, I take that back. Joaquin might have the right idea. Let's all stop bathing, act like dicks to everyone, snort a lot of lines, get fat, shit on our friends and hump on hookers.... And just when our family members are about to drop a 5150 on our asses, we'll be like, "JUST KIDDING! I WAS ACTING!"

Here's the trailer for Joaquin Phoenix's mockumentary "I'm Still Here," which is basically hardcore porn for lice and scabies.This mess is one full minute of mangy Joaquin running around while an elder hobo rattles on about mountain top water drops and streams and shit. This pepaw is actually comparing Joaquin to a crystal clear drop of Sparkletts! Pepaw's doctor needs to up his prescription, because that's straight-up crazy talk. It sounds like pepaw snatched that shit out of the pages of Joy Luck Club.

Joaquin might be a mountain top water drop after its journey down the hill gets cut short when it runs into a giant mound of deer shit covered in thirsty maggots. But that's it! Joaquin isn't a mountain top water drop! He needs to cleanse his stank in a shower of mountain top water drops mixed with Ammonia and extra-strength RAID.

This is the poster from the mockumentary about Joaquin Phoenix retiring from acting to pursue a life as a scabies-infested dirty ball of hair coughed into an alley way by a mangy cat with bad allergies.

Joaquin snorted up half the title, so you might not be able to read it. This mess is called "I'm Still Here". It really should've been called "Casey Affleck Sexually Harassed EVERYONE While Making This Shit". Or "Why Didn't James Franco Think Of This?".

via Movieline

Have you always wanted to see Joaquin Phoenix get shat on while he slept? Or as Joel McHale would say, get a Spencer Pratt to the face while he twirled away in dreamland? Well, you've got luck in your pocket (and sickness in your brains), because word is that Joaquin's documentary features a scene where one of his arch rivals literally takes a shit on top of him. While a dookie on Joaquin's face doesn't sound like a pretty sight, anything is better than that hairy shit on his face.

The news went around last week that Casey Affleck, who directed that shit, is shopping the documentary I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix around to buyers. The L.A. Times says that while some people are interested in buying Joaquin's shit party for one, most left the screening scratching their heads and not because his flea-ridden appearance gave them the itches.

Agents at William Morris Endeavor, the sellers of the Casey Affleck-directed film, have started showing the movie to potential distributors, and while some were apparently interested in bidding for “I’m Still Here’s” distribution rights, the shoppers left the screening perhaps even more mystified by Phoenix’s behavior than when they walked in.

Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Buyers still aren't sure if the movie is real or a hoax, so the caca on Joaquin could actually be ground beef from Taco Bell or one of Fishstick Paltrow's dishes from GOOP.

And tell your genitals to calm down, because I doubt the frontal nudity is anything to fap about. If the beard matches the pubes, then it probably just looks like an albino mole peeking through a dead shrub.

Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was running around looking like a dingle-ridden matted hairball found inside Brit Brit's weave? Remember when he went full Courtney Love on David Letterman? Remember when he tried to become the Vanilla Ice of Skid Row? Well, as many of you suspected, it was all a hoax! Probably. Maybe. I think.

Deadline Hollywood said that a mockumentary of Joaquin's insane hobo adventures is making the rounds to the studio. The mockumentary was shot by Joaquin's friend Casey Affleck. Deadline Hollywood says this:

ME is selling the film, and it may only take a couple of days to reach a deal. I hear the agency and the distributors intend to keep the mock's content under wraps for as long as they can for maximum shock value. (So it won't be part WME Global's sales push at the Cannes Film Festival.) Presumably, the film answers Hollywood's bewilderment about whether Joaquin was serious about quitting acting -- or whether he was just, well, acting.

You know, I expect this kind of trickery from "performance fartist" James Franco, but not Joaquin! How dare he toy with our emotions like this. Those of you who spent your hard-earned booze money on sending Joaquin a hot comb and lice shampoo should sue Joaquin! Not to mention all those sleepless nights you spent devouring whole cakes to deal with the stress of worrying about Joaquin's mental state. That fupa bulge in your pants is Joaquin's fault. SUE HIM!

And Lindsay Lohan should force Ali Lohan to carry around a camera so she can tell people that she's not really a delusional crackhead who would fuck a maggot for an 8-ball. She's just acting for a mockumentary!

Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty's prune cake).

Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she's busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she's suffering on the inside from Betty White's grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that's not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.

Here's a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world's memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey's second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).

The last time we left Joaquin Phoenix, he was looking like something you might find stuck on one of the Kardashian's used waxing strips. And he was also doing that "rapping as performance art" thing. This was a few months ago. Well, Joaquin took a long Calgon bath and danced a beautiful dance with a BIC. Joaquin is now back to looking like the dude you used to flick your genitals to while watching Ladder 94.

Joaquin joined Liv Tyler and Noah Cyrus' less famous sister in a promo for To Write Love on Her Arms, a suicide prevention organization.

It's nice to see hot Joaquin again, but I'm not sure it was a good idea pairing him with Miley Cyrus. Miley's voice makes all of us want to crawl under a bridge and live there for the rest of our days.

via UsWeekly