RuPaul's Drag Race

Tyra Sanchez (government name: James Ross), the winning queen of RuPaul's Drag Race 2, was cuffed and thrown into a jail cell in Gwinnett County, Georgia and it wasn't for stealing the crown from who really should've won that shit: Jujubee. The cops jailed Tyra after she got caught with a tiny bag of the heavenly weed flower that turns me into a hongray beast who thinks a bowl of Easy Mac and cheese popcorn is the most delicious thing to hit my tongue since peen. TMZ reports that Tyra got busted with less than an ounce of weed.

Tyra and her friend were driving along in a Chevy when they felt something heavy coming at them from behind. Tyra's friend, who was driving the car, was pulled over for having illegally tinted windows. When Tyra's friend rolled down the window, the cop's nostrils were filled with the scent of unsmoked weed. They checked the car and found the good shit. Tyra posted bail the next day and was released, but she still faces charges.

Let this be a lesson to Tyra to stashay away her weed better so the cops don't find it next time. From what I remember from Drag Race 2, Tyra's tuck game was never up to par, so I can't tell her to hide in there. But I will tell her that she needs to get herself a Lindsay Lohan Real Doll STAT. We should all hide our weed inside of a Lindsay Lohan Real Doll, because the cops won't ever check that bitch.

(In the voice Stefon from SNL's Weekend Update) New York's hottest club is Tuck! Can't find the front door? Just stand still and wait for a caramel covered giraffe named Pennywise the Clown to escort you into the back storage room of a White Castle. This place has everything. It has the black swan Donatella Versace barfed up, shredded Elvis wigs, kidney stones, matronly leopards in ostrich masks, mariachi biker daddies, trannies wrestling in a giant Whoopee cushion full of Cherry Slurpees and glow worm aristocrats. You know it's that thing when a drag queen swallows Ambien so she can make the yawn.

via WOW Report

The third season of RuPaul's Drag Race came to a close last night after Ru, Michelle Visage and Santino named the most gorgeous woman on reality television (Sorry, Gaycrest, you tried)! When I watched (SPOILER ALERT) Manila Luzon and Raja standing there waiting to either collect a giant check or be banished into the Interior Illusions lounge where they had to clean up the discarded plastic cups and get the judge's their coats, I kept hoping that Ru would dramatically get off of her throne (made of the shellacked tuck panties of contestants' past) and beg Elmo for forgiveness for wearing the carcass of his lover Big Bird on her body.

Once Elmo granted Ru forgiveness, she would move on to more important business and declare that she made a huge huge huge mistake. Ru would let out a high-pitched "HOOTIE HOO" (that is like the Southern bat call, right?) that would traveled on the slivers of the wind all the way to North Carolina. Miss Stacy Layne (Bryant) Matthews would hear the call and magically show up in a tornado of swamp water. Ru would rightly declare Stacy Layne the new reigning queen and the toads of the south would burst into a chorus of congratulatory croaks (like the Kiss The Girl scene in The Little Mermaid). I mean, who can deny a beauty who looks like a pantyhose doll and has skin like a beige pair of L'eggs. But this didn't happen...

Raja took that shit and everybody could see it coming like a cum shot from a man who has just said, "I'm cumming." Raja can stomp like Naomi, pose like Gisele and I'm sure she'll take over for tired Tyra as the new host of America's Next Top Catalog Supplement Model. But even though Raja won a check for $75,000 and side-eye throwing rights, Manila gave the line of the year when she said: "I'm runner-up. If Raja dies of old age, I'll get the crown!"

Done.

Here's Raja, Shangela, Alexis Matteo, Carmen Carrera, Manila, Stacy Layne Matthews and Yara Sofia at last night's after-party in NYC.

And either the excitement of winning an award fermented and bubbled over putting him in a drunk euphoric coma, or the camera caught the moment his butt finally exhaled out a fart that had been stuck in there all day. Either way, Ricky Martin is relaxed. So yeah, Ricky won a trophy at the GLAAD Media Awards last night for being GAY!, OUT! and a CELEBRITY! Ricky told reporters that declaring his love for the peen was welcomed with open arms (and other body parts). Ricky thanked his partner Carlos and then gave a shout to Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, etc... Sadly, Ricky didn't give a special thanks to his shiny red Menudo jeggings. Here's Ricky's speech:

“I just want to be free. I can say today I'm free. And for that I definitely need to thank my parents for being so supportive, my mother and my dad for their unconditional love, and my friends, my family, my fans. And my partner in crime and my boyfriend Carlos.

And GLAAD let's go to Latin America, let's share the love! Let's go to Mexico! Let's go to Columbia! Let's go to Argentina! Let's go to Chile! Let's go to Brazil! We need you GLAAD -- we need you down there, we need to spread the love in Latin America. Let's do it in Spanish. I can help, I can do it! I'll be part of it. I want to be part of it.”

"Let's do it in Spanish" has just become my new favorite fuck partner pick-up line. And besides Ricky, other hos who found a trophy in their hands last night included Tina Fey and True Blood (full winners list here).

And here's some pictures! In order: Ricky Martin, Andy Cohen with warriors from the Ke$ha tribe, Tina Fey, Manila Luzon with Sahara Davenport, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Jane Velezzie-Mitchell with a chick who is giving me the dizzies and Rollerina.

My TV screen was once again covered with Vaseline, rogue wig hairs, sequins, pussy cunt glares and bronze powder dust thanks to the return of RuPaul's Drag Race (aka Xtina's favorite beauty tutorial)!!! Last night's episode was business as usual with a whole new set of queens except for season 2's Shangela who was pulled out of Ru's sweat shop wig factory (where all past contestants go to work off their room and board) to twerk her tuck and lip-synch like she's trying to give Alan Fawcett a boner he won't ever forget. And once again, Shangela found herself in the bottom bitch 2 with Madonna impersonator Venus D Lite. But Shangela's sloppy ass deserved it, because she whipped up a shitty Christmas ensemble made of a torn paper lantern and the metallic tree tinsel my abuelita would never let us buy because she was afraid it would electrocute her (Yeah, I don't even....).

In the clip above, Shangela and Venus lip-synch for their lives in a rumble tumble mess of a battle. Polyester hair flew across the room, boy nipples came popping out, taints slapped the floor and struts were delivered with an extra spark shooting off their bare heels. It was pretty much what Thanksgiving at the Knowles house looks like when Basement Baby goes against Beyonce's wishes and sits anywhere but the kids table.

Even though Venus D Lite charged at Shangela like Madge chasing after a Brazilian virgin boy, not one inch of dick came creeping out of their panties to call a time out. No tuck came undone! Just like at the Knowles house!

Venus D Lite was eventually sent home to pray before her Immaculate Conception candle that Madge doesn't upgrade the silicone cutlets in her cheeks. You see, Venus told the queens that she's had plastic surgery to look like Madge. That's kind of fucking funny if you think about it, because Madonna had plastic surgery to NOT look like Madonna.

And it goes without saying, but right now my favorites are Stacy Layne Matthews from Black Swamp, North Carolina:

I could watch that ho put that trampoline to the test forever.

And my other favorite is Raja who is best known as Sutan the make-up artist from America's Next Top Model.

Strangely enough, Raja sort of looks like Tyra Banks in that picture. Well, if Ty Ty's infintyhead traveled down south, scared her titties away and found a permanent new home on her chest.

I never thought I'd say this, but I actually miss Glamberace's old "if K.D. Lang and an Elvis-impersonating unicorn mated in an Adam Antfarm" look. This revelation hit me after I went through these pictures of him at the premiere party for RuPaul's Drag Race 3 in West Hollywood last night. What flavor of Pixie Dust was Glamberace on when his style team gathered around him before the event and said, "It's going to be finger waving FIERCE! We're going to make you look like a 45-year-old Ke$ha who is forced to pay off her tab at the free clinic by singing The Cure songs at a retirement center for old goths in Sedona, Arizona." Why did he sign off on that?

When you accept an invitation to a Drag Race party, you better show up looking like a disco ball birthed you out in a kiddie pool filled with glitter. There better be a sparkle twinkling out of every single pore. Glamberace, please return those JNCO lady jeans to my raver cousin who refuses to let go out of the late 90s.

Here's a few beauties from last night's party who chose to sparkle in some way, shape or form. In order (after Glamberace): Bobby Trendy, Delta Work, Mimi Imfurst, Morgan McMichaels, Ongina, Raven, Ru, Shannel, Stacy Layne Matthews, Tammie Brown, Vanessa Williams and Madonna Venus D Lite.

Aisha Tyler needs to immediately report to the nurse's office and hand over a signed excuse from her parents for why she showed up to Logo's NewNowNext Awards last night with only a faint shadow of an eyebrow over her eye. I snatch that back. There is no excuse for this! I don't care if a dingo ate your Sharpie or if meth got your brows, you find a way to make that shit work!

And if Aisha is trying to make the whole "no brows" thing happen, then she needs to stop right now because it's a losing battle. Looking like "Mona Lisa working at a shake and bake meth lab in Barstow" will never be the look. I don't care what anyone says. Like Klymaxx and Pop Rocks gum, brows will always be relevant.

Here's a bunch of other bitches from last night who also should be ashamed of themselves! They let Aisha go in front of the camera like that. There's enough make-up amongst them to cover the faces of a million Xtinas, so they could've easily queefed out a brow for Aisha. These are the names you need to right down in the detention log: Baby Jesus, two free clinic rejects, Pee Weir Herman, Tatiana, Ongina, Mystique Summers, Kelly Osbourne, a Slim Jim in a dress, Kat Von D, and Niecy Nash.

And I'm not talking about the kind of chicken cutlets you slip in your brasserie to make your chesticles look as succulent as Johnny Weir's ass cheeks. No, thee one and only Phoebe Price took some time out from posing in grocery stores to shoot a segment for the #1 rated show in Heaven, RuPaul's Drag Race. Emmy voters, make yourself a plate and take note!

The Hot Babe of the Millennium, along with Alec Mapa, were special "celebrity" (chicken will never taste the same again if you laugh at that) contestants on a game show called The Snatch Game, which is also the name of Gerard Butler's favorite pastime.

The Snatch Game of course was a play on Match Game, and the queens had to channel their celebrity of choice. You know, when the camera first landed on PP's poultry pretty face, I thought she was Pandorra Boxx as a newly divorced Ariel who was trying to make ends meet as a Knott's Berry Farm saloon dancer.

PP still did us proud. And her talents never fail to astound me. I mean, who knew she could pose, flex her cutlets and talk at the same time.

And Brit Brit Spears can now fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a full-time taste taster at Frito-Lay, because Tatianna has proven that can easily slip into her bayou weave and take her place. Not even the most skeptical Cheeto would know the difference.

RuPaul's Drag Race is over! Just when I was starting to compile my daily vocabulary (i.e. - Cameroooon and Extra-va-ganzaaaa) from that show, it goes away.

Whenever I watched it, it really felt like I was in church, because of that damn frosty effect on everything. Ru straight up looks like she was beaming in from heaven. It was like a religious experience. I wanted to throw holy water on my forehead and nibble on those bland ass Communion wafers they made me eat during service. Seriously, can't they put some Lawry's on those wafers?

Anyway, it came down to Bebe Zahara Benet, Nina Flowers and that other one. I can't even with her. Rebecca Glasscock needed to take her "I'm not here to make friends" act to America's Next Top Model, because that shit wasn't amusing. Yes, bitch has a face that Papa Knowles would kill to whore out in a House of Dereon ad, but Rebecca could never compete with the Queen of Cameroon and Nina Loca. Did you see that trick's outfit in the finale?! Rebecca was tardy to the party in an outfit that should only be worn on the ho stroll. When wearing shit like that, the only sentence that should come out of your mouth is, "$20 for a blow, $30 for a lay." It was pretty damn priceless when Ru told Rebecca to sashay away. Happy Ass Drag Queen to Angry Ass Drag Queen in 2 seconds flat! Rebecca stepped on the bitch pedal and didn't let go. Even her kitchen ass wig frowned.

Bebe and Nina Loca were left to battle it out in a lip-synch showdown. Now, I'd sell tamales in the back of a pick-up truck on the beaches of Ensenada (I've really done that) with Nina Loca any day, but Bebe crashed the runway with her lip-synch extra-va-ganzaaaaa! Doves cried, died and came back to life again to die for a second time. When Bebe got on the floor, so did I. She scares the shit out of me! I don't know whether to hiss at her or blow her an air kiss. And is it just me or does Nina Loca kind of look like the tranny first cousin of Billy the puppet from Saw?

In the end, Camaroooon prevailed and Bebe won a glittery crown, a box of sunglasses and some other shit. Nina Loca ended up winning viewers' choice during the reunion show. Which leads me to Ru giving Dlisted a little titatty tickle.

Ru asked Tammie Brown what she thought about being named Hot Slut of the Day. Tammie, wearing some Tammy Faye Bakker shit, wasn't pleased with that shit! Tammie says I could have used a different word, because she's not a slut! Who does she think she is?! Phoebe Price? There can only be one Hot Babe. Besides, it's not like I mean she's pulling a Blohan and scrounging back alleys for any asshole to suck on. It's just my way of saying that I'd tag team a dick with herany day. Yeah, I gave Tammie a side-eye for a second, but she had me back on her side when she got into a bitch fight with Ru.

Below is a clip of cunt battle royale between the judges and both Shannel (who should really headline The Real Housewives of Las Vegas) and Tammie Brown. Ru gets all Ty Ty Banks on Tammie after she accused the judges of being so fucking negative. Tammie goes on to say, "You call called me losers and I don't see you out there walking children in nature." What the fuck does that even mean?! It doesn't matter. I'm copy and pasting that shit to the inside of my brain, because it's a keeper. Walking children in nature?! THE FUCK?! Hell, I'm going to miss this shit. Til next season! Now I have to go walk some fucking children in nature!

I have finally realized why the judging room on RuPaul's Drag Race looks so frosty! It's because they beam them all up into heaven to shoot this part of the show. It seriously looks like a dream taking place on heaven's clouds. And it pretty much is. My absolute favorite part of the entire show is the catwalk showdown (above). If I could curl up next to that segment forever, I would be happy.

Jenny Shimizu, the trollop who is most famous for slurping up St. Angie's holy juices, was one of the guest judges and she too fell in love with my favorite Bebe Zahara Benet. Bebe makes me want to rob a Zales at gunpoint so I can drape her in fine jewels. If you ever had to run from the police, you'd want that bitch right along side you. Hopefully, in that outfit.

And I'd really wish Shannel would cover up that ass already! Bitch, we get it! You've got an ass that makes the Kardashians fart bubbly tears of jealousy. Now cover it up, put on a pantsuit and go sell some Huggable Hangers on HSN. Seriously, Shannel belongs on HSN. I see two words in her near future: FLEX PAY.

After the catwalk showdown, Ru announced the winner of the challenge. The challenge was to make a MAC Viva Glam commercial. In case you don't know, the proceeds of all Viva Glam products go into an HIV/AIDS fund. Ongina ended up winning the challenge for her "Celebrate Life" campaign. Ongina broke down and started crying. Just when I was about to shout, "Bitch, get it together," she revealed that she's been living with HIV for the past two years. She didn't want to say anything, because her family doesn't even know. Ongina went to say, "You have to celebrate life." And then I was the bitch who needed to get it together. I'll fucking admit it! Clip below: