Pete Doherty | Dlisted

Sore Nips

Dreamboat Doherty is currently training for the London Marathon. He's serious about it. The problem is his t-shirts keep chaffing his nipples during training leaving them sore. Petey has solved the problem by wearing his girlfriend's titty holders. I can't even say his girlfriend's name. I'm disgusted by her. The hussy!

A source said, "He's doing so well. He's really serious about kicking drugs and this is really testing his will power and giving him a goal. All that is putting him off are his amazingly sore nipples, but Portia's underwear is really helping."

"Pete is showing the same devotion to marathon now as he did do to drugs. It's a much healthier obsession than heroin." Um...no it isn't. Running sucks!

You know what the best cure for sore nipples is? A little flick of the tongue and brush of the butthole. His girlfriend ain't shit! She should be tending to those nipples like she's Florence Nightingale and his nipples have leprosy. Don't give him a bra! Give him a little pussy juice on the nip. Some people.

I bet you Dreamboat wears that bra anyway. He's kinky like that. Hahaha! Dreamboat's got sore nips. Cracknips!

Source

Posted by: Michael K

60 comments •

Pete Doherty

Dreamboat's New Dreamboat

Dreamboat has a new love. The Daily Mail reports that 28-year-old Pete Doherty has been dating 19-year-old model Portia Freeman. 19? She doesn't look a day over 30. Portia has been called the next Kate Moss. So she's going to become a meth-faced, cokehead party girl? That's something to look forward to.

A source said, "Portia is probably the best thing to happen to Pete. She is a very clean-living girl and not at all into drugs. He really enjoys spending time with Portia. They love walking across the fields of the country estate where Pete rents a house."

If Portia is a clean girl she should pack her shit and get as far away from Dreamboat as she can. He will only taint her. She'll be sticking needles in between her toes before January's up.

Posted by: Michael K

35 comments •

Pete Doherty

Dr. Doherty Reporting For Crack Duty!

Dr. Petey Doherty is in the house. Pete Doherty has been giving advice to Blake Fielder-Civl on how to deal with life behind bars so says The Sun . How the hell would he know? Petey probably hasn't spent a full day in the hoosegow! He always manages to get out of it. Anyway, Petey and Blake have been writing back and forth and Petey has been letting Blake know what's going on the outside. I thought Blake had an illegal cell phone for that kind of shit?

A source said, “Blake feels very vulnerable. As well as threats he faces in jail, he fears Amy’s friends will use his time in prison to come between them and try to split them up. He has asked Pete to look after Amy and fight his corner to make sure he doesn’t get shut out.

“Pete has a soft spot for Blake, who has always idolised him, and has promised to do his best.”

So that's why Blake recently tested positive for drugs while in the clink. Dreamboat Doherty probably told him how it's done. That Dreamboat needs his own show, because he really knows how to solve problems!

Posted by: Michael K

44 comments •

Pete Doherty

Kate Moss Is Planning To Kill Pete Doherty's Fun

It seems like only yesterday Kate Moss and Pete Doherty were charming my black heart with their crackhead love. Oh how I miss them strolling down the street looking like methfaced alley cats.

Well, the love is lost. Pete Doherty plans to tell-all in a BBC documentary and Kate wants to stop him. Pete had planned to sit down for the documentary and also give them personal videos he made with Kate.

A source tells PageSix.com that Kate isn't having it. "If Kate does try to gag Pete it will come as a great blow to the production. Hopefully we can work something out with Kate and her lawyers."

Pete will reportedly net around $1 million if the deal for the documentary goes through.

What the hell does Kate have to hide? We've seen her coochie, her titties and we've seen her snort coke. What's more to see? Just let Petey have his million. That's the most money he'll ever make and he'll waste it all on booze, kittens and crack, but that's his deal.

Kate Moss is a fun killer.

Posted by: Michael K

38 comments •

Kate Moss • Pete Doherty

Mitch Wino Really Doesn't Like Pete Doherty

First of all, does Mitch Wino even have a job? It seems like his full-time job is talking to the press about how his daughter is such a mess and how she needs help. Blah...blah...blah! Less talk! More action, Mitch.

So, this time Mitch spoke to Grazia Magazine about Wino's pal 'o pal, Pete Doherty. Mitch said, "He's a scumbag. I flipped when I saw him sitting with Amy backstage at her Brixton gig. That night I went crazy. My wife thought I was going to have a heart attack, I was apoplectic." I'd have a heart attack too, but for a different reason. Pete makes my heart go pidder patter, but it could be the crack fumes coming off of him.

Mitch went on to tell us why he hasn't thrown Wino in the rehab tank. "People wonder why the family don't drag her by her hair into rehab. Believe me, my first instinct is to get hold of her, pick her up and take her back to my house and lock her away. But I've spoken to the finest drug counsellors in the world, and they've said that is exactly the wrong thing to do." He said he's tried to talk to her, but she's really angry and won't listen.

Ok.....so throwing her in rehab isn't the right thing to do, but letting her continue to get high is? That don't make no sense Mitch! She's probably angry due to all the sugar and shit she eats. Remember what they said about Britney? Sugar is the devil!!!!

Mitch, just call A&E's Intervention and they'll handle everything. I have faith in them, because I still have faith in reality TV even though Denise the janitor lady (see below) kind of destroyed it a little for me. Oh and then Mitch call me afterwards, you're sort of hot. Well, he is!

Source

Posted by: Michael K

41 comments •

Amy Winehouse • Pete Doherty

Pete Doherty Has A New Addiction

Pete Doherty has traded in his crack pipes for mince pies. According to The Sun Petey has been rejecting booze from fans, but is all about mince pies. He said, : “It’s going to be mince pies for me this Christmas. I’ve got a massive order on the way.”

Mince crack pies! That's how he's going to get away with getting back on the crack. He's like the crackhead Sweeney Todd! He makes his own pies, but spikes it with drugs. Genius. Britney should do that. Wait...what's in those frapps?!

In other Dreamboat news. He is apparently going to get paid $100,000 to tell-all about his relationship with Kate Moss in a new documentary. A source said, "He has promised it will be a no-holds barred chat. Producers are hoping he'll let them use a lot of film he and Kate shot on camcorders. Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else. She'll be furious and feel massively betrayed. There could be a legal battle over it."

Unless the videos are of Kate and Pete having a lovely Sunday breakfast at 10am and then going to church and miniature golfing, nothing will shock me about these two. I think we've heard it all and seen enough. I want a tell-all from Petey's cracked up cat!

Posted by: Michael K

25 comments •

Pete Doherty

The Odd Couple

Jonathan Rhys-Meyers recently split up with his girlfriend and she kicked him out of her apartment in Camden. Jonathan is reportedly looking to room with Pete Doherty. The two are looking for a pad in East London.

A source said, "Although Jonathan spends a lot of time filming in Los Angeles these days he still needs somewhere to stay while working in London. So when a mutual friend suggested he and Pete could get a flat together, Jonathan jumped at the chance."

What the hell is going on here? Courtney Love should move in too. It would be like a cracked out "Three's Company." Doherty's the lesbian one, Janet.

There's no way I'd ever live with Jonny Meyers. Imagine waking up to those eyes every morning? You'd think a zombie broke into your apartment and was ready to eat your throat out. Jonny's eyes are not good for the morning time.

Source

Posted by: Michael K

55 comments •

Crackheads • Pete Doherty

Petey Gets Replaced

Pete Doherty failed to show up to the Shockwave NME Awards party last night, because he was "sick." Yeah, sick of working. He was probably too busy "comforting" Amy Winehouse.

Instead of cancelling their performance, the drummer and the bassist went on as a duo. They told the audience that they will try to sing the songs themselves. After a few songs, they asked the audience for some help. They brought up a dude from the audience onstage who sang one of the songs. They also brought on singers from other bands to sing the other songs.

What a fucking mess! That sounds like a night of karaoke. Crackaroke! There's no replacing the Doherty! Babyshambles without Pete is just plain shambles. Hardy har har har.

Posted by: Michael K

21 comments •

Pete Doherty

Dr. Petey Is Here To Save The Day!

Dreamboat Doherty arrived at Amy Wino's East London home at 4:45 this morning. He left at 10:45am. Amy was seen moving stuff from her car where a photographer caught a mysterious bag of white powder. Oh that?! It's Ajax with Bleach! Wino doesn't care that she smells like a dirty diaper, but her home has to be spotless. It probably really is Ajax. Coke doesn't do the trick anymore, so she's gotta go for the real chemicals.

He showed up with a guitar, so maybe they are writing a song together. oh and by writing a song I mean smoking crack till their brains ooze out of their eye sockets.

Mr. Paparazzi , Splash

Posted by: Michael K

45 comments •

Amy Winehouse • Pete Doherty

Crackheads Gotta Stick Together

Pete Doherty has become a great friend to Amy Wino ever since her husband has been sitting in jail. Pete is standing by Wino. Probably because he's too cheap to buy his own drugs!

Pete told The Sun , "I speak to Amy almost every day. She just wants her man back for Christmas. They are desperately in love. One good thing is that Blake has got clean since he has been in prison. It's quite awakening. Amy stopped doing everything since he went in. She realizes how much they have to lose. They are going to lose each other if it carries on. Love, music and melody is the way forward."

When asked about his own drug addictions, Petey said, "Let's just say we are not dreaming of a white or brown Christmas!"

Amy's been clean? These crackheads are so delusional. I have to hand it to them. They really have mastered the art of believing their own lies.

It's going to be a brown Christmas for me, but it in a totally different way. I mean with all the gingerbread cookies, Christmas ham, cranberries....I'm gross.

Wenn

Posted by: Michael K

27 comments •

Amy Winehouse • Crackheads • Pete Doherty