Quote of the Day

The Fix's Maer Roshan spent months inside of Courtney Love's head poking at the malnourished rats, putting out the trash can hobo fires and trying to make sense of the scribbled thoughts that her brain spits out. Maerwrote an article last May about his time with Courtney, but there were so many strands of fuckery that didn't make the article so he used them in a new e-book on her. Even though Courtney threatened to ruin his ass, Maer still went through his old notes, interviewed people in her life and read legal documents to put the book together. There's some priceless pieces of it on The Fix, but one of my favorite is a quote from Courtney where she says crack transformed her brain into that of a calculus genius:

“The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others. I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.” 


This ho is crazy, but what I want to know is, when does Courtney Love ever come in contact with calculus. Like did she have calculus books laying around? You know how Snapple has facts written on their caps? Does a bag of crack rocks come with a mathematical problem? I can just picture Courtney scribbling all sorts of shit on the wall like numbers, shapes, Looney Tunes characters, the middle names of her enemies and thinking to herself that she's really making calculus her bitch when she's actually just drawing a bunch of gibberish. Calculus? More like Crackulus. Courtney is like the crackhead Good Will Hunting and I really hope Matt Damon plays her in the movie.

With all that being said, I still wish Courtney was the Secretary of Education when I was in school, because then smoking crack would've been part of our daily math curriculum! I still would've failed math, but at least I could've been fucked up on crack while doing so.

via HuffPo

Fran Drescher and her ex-husband Peter (the one who ended their marriage after declaring his undying love for peen) both have the same kind of scar on the same spot and that could only mean one thing: they were both kidnapped by aliens, microchipped and programmed to meet each other. Obviously. Fran tells HuffPo that when she was in junior high school, the aliens beamed her up into their spaceship and tagged her ass. It's like the recurring wet dream that Tommy Girl wishes would become real life.

"You know, it's funny because Peter and I both saw [aliens] before we knew each other, doing the same thing, driving on the road with our dads. We were both in junior high. A few years later, we met, and we realized that we had the same experience. I think that somehow we were programmed to meet. We both have this scar. It's the exact same scar on the exact same spot."

I bet that when the aliens shimmied the chip up under her skin, Fran let out one of her ear hair-burning laughs and the aliens immediately dropped her back on earth before vowing to never subject themselves to torture like that again. Fran single-handedly saved us from an alien invasion! But seriously, Fran and Peter weren't TAKEN. Those bitches just did way too many whip-its and freebased way too many spices in junior high school. That scar is probably from a bong burn. I'm sure Demi Moore is also telling her therapist that she was abducted by damn aliens.

WARNING: About three seconds after hitting play on this NSFWish mess, a giant sperm fish with a mouth will scare away the afternoon buzz you got from inhaling nitrous out of a whipped cream can in the bathroom.

During Snoop Dogg's web show, he was asked to drop a little few words of unfiltered wisdom into the ear holes of Kris Humphries and this is the hilarious shit that came blazing out of his mouth:

"The first advice is, you dumb ass nigga, you shouldn't have tried to wife the bitch. She's not that type of a ho. She gets around, man. Did you see when Reggie took the bitch to Africa? She was looking at the Africans cause they had bigger dicks than his. He didn't know how to act afterward. They sent his ass to Miami. Reggie the only nigga that bounced back from the bitch. She's cold-blooded. I'm pretty sure she'll have a book in a month talking about all the niggas she got and how she played them. So, my advice is you can’t make a ho a housewife. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she born to do: ho. Yeah. HO. Punk bitch."

That's funny. That's pretty much the same thing my mom said to the first serious boyfriend I brought home to meet her. And I really hope someone translates Snoop's advice into grunts and snorts so that Kris can actually understand it.

via THR

The good gay news today is that soon gays and gayelles will be able to have the rained out, flying fish wedding of their dreams at the Seattle Fish Market, because Washington is inches away from legalizing gay marriage finally. The other gay news that I'm not sure how to wrap the lobes of my brain around is that Cynthia Nixon told The New York Times that she made the choice to slurp on lady clit and fall in love with a woman.

"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.

Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."

At first, I took her words to mean that she chose to eat pussy the same way a gay person chooses to ignore their gayness by getting with someone from the opposite sex to please society. But that didn't really make sense, so I backed up out of that thought and then figured that she's trying to say who cares if it is a choice. That seemed sort of right, but then the light hit me after I asked myself, "Michael, if the most beautiful lesbian in the world Rojo Caliente asked you to drop the dick out of your mouth and come to the ginger side, would you go?" The answer is a full body FUCK YES! I'd drop that dick (but I'd come back for it afterward), grab my burn cream and prepare my tongue for some chili-crusted red snapper. So what I think Cynthia is TRYING to say is that she's a Rojosexual.

Over a year ago, Lady CaCa snuck into Madge's archives, discovered a deformed twin conjoined to "Express Yourself," gnawed it off with her teeth, dragged it away and then adopted it as her own after naming it "Born This Way." Madge never really commented on it until Newsweek asked her about it during a recent interview. It's best if you imagine Madge saying it in her faux British accent before using her gloved hand to wipe away the cunt venom from the tips of her teeth:

"I thought, this is a wonderful way to redo my song. I mean, I recognized the chord changes. I thought it was…interesting."

YAAAAASSSSS! Like I've said a billion times before, MEMAWS ARE NOT THE ONE! Now if we can only get Madge and CaCa into the same bathroom. Then we can all laugh until our popcorn tubs fly out of our laps from watching one of their wigs go into the shit can:

(GIF via Tumblr)

Having an imaginary friend isn't only for children and Jennifer Aniston, it's also for married couples who are on the verge of screaming each other's faces off during an argument in their own homes. In an article on Oprah.com (via Buzzfeed), the Dalai Oprah writes 10 unexpected ways that only you can save your marriage and one of them will only work if you're on acid all the time or if you've been diagnosed as certifiably schizophrenic.

All of us have much more control over our behavior than we like to think. For instance, if you had a very proper, prestigious British guest at your home, sleeping in the bedroom adjacent to yours, you'd act differently during arguments. You'd behave more kindly and politely to your spouse when, say, he sold your mother's hideous-but-beloved vase during a garage sale—if only because you didn't want to feel deeply ashamed. So the next time you consider screaming, imagine poor Rupert lying in the guest room, overhearing your every word.

THIS rich ass ho. Only Oprah. This kind of ridiculous advice is hard for me to wrap my tattered brain around, because I come from a Latin family who don't consider it a fight unless it makes at least one innocent person uncomfortable. Some of my cousins will fight inside of the house and then chase each other to the front yard where they'll fight again in front of all the neighbors. Why don't those crazies stay inside, you ask? Because they need an audience for their theater! And they need someone to turn to and ask, "Did you hear this bitch, right? You're on my side, right? RIGHT?!" They need votes, basically.

But I'm still going to put Oprah's bizarre advice to the test the next time I should myself in a fight with a boyfriend. I do need to know if this Rupert dude is hot or not, because that makes a difference. I'd like the option of walking out on the whisper fight to go and loudly fuck Rupert in the next room.

And I did let out an extra laugh at Oprah saying "imaginary" British friend. Please, Oprah isn't fooling us. You know she's got an actual British man named Rupert on payroll who always sleeps in the room next to hers and Gayle's to keep them from fighting.

I'm just going to drop this off and keep on going....

When asked about her dating life by Ellen DeGeneres, Alley, 60, admitted she usually goes for "psychos" and "players," so the host suggested she try going with the opposite of what she's attracted to.

"I'm thinking ugly men might be the solution," the Dancing with the Stars alum responded. "I'm talking about butt ugly. Because I go for really handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative."

via CNN

You know, I threw lumps of cold shit at that Rooney Mara (from that Girl with the Double Dragon Tattoo shit) trick when she hocked a crusty loogie of ungratefulness at Christopher Meloni's nipples by saying that she doesn't get why hos are obsessed with Law & Order: SVU, but I'm actually starting to like her. I mean, a self-righteous twat of a bitch who has no filter on her thoughts and doesn't seem to care that she's coming off as a crystal clear cunt? MY KIND! Rooney might have been born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but she has knocked that silver spoon out with the verbal streams of bitchery that jump off of her tongue and hit her old employers right in their faces. Case in point: During an interview with Entertainment Weekly (via DS), Rooney squatted on the Nightmare on Elm Street remake she starred in and pushed this out:

"You kind of learn to self-sabotage with things you don't want to get. Sometimes you don't want to get something but you do a really good job and you get in anyway. That's kind of [what happened] with A Nightmare on Elm Street - I didn't even really want it. And then I went in [to audition] and I was like, [whispering] 'Fuck. I definitely got that'."

Megan Fox, please pack up all your shit and head for the door marked EXIT, because your services as the premiere shit talker of Hollywood are no longer needed. I do know what Rooney is saying, though. Like when I was 16, I applied for a job as a fucking bus boy at Disneyland, because: a) most of the bussers were really hot; and b) I needed money to buy a fake ID so I could dance in a tank top at 18+ gay clubs with my older friends. And when the bitch at human resources asked me if I knew how to use a broom and a dustpan, I knew that I nailed that interview (only it wasn't really an interview... It was just some bitch asking me if I knew how to sweep.... seriously). So, see. Rooney and I are totally the same. We take jobs we don't really want and then we talk shit about them later in life. Although, the closest Rooney has ever come to operating a broom is adjusting the stick that is permanently shoved up her overprivileged ass.

And I heard somewhere that when Rooney signed up for the first Nightmare on Elm Street, she had to sign up for the sequel too. So even though the remake was as entertaining as slowly ripping a scab off your taint, I really hope they make a sequel so we can watch Freddy filet his own throat to escape Rooney rolling her eyes in different languages. Yes, Rooney's eye rolls need subtitles. Bitch is THAT above you.

Matt Damon campaigned hard for Obama during the last election, but don't expect to see his ass at an Obama rally this time around, because all love is lost between the two. Matt tells Elle in so many words that he has broken up with Obama, and then he threw a whole lot of ice cold shade at our current president. Here's today's edition of "Movie Stars Talking Politics Talk!":

"I've talked to a lot of people who worked for Obama at the grassroots level. One of them said to me, ‘Never again. I will never be fooled again by a politician...' 

You know, a one-term president with some balls who actually got stuff done would have been, in the long run of the country, much better. If the Democrats think that they didn't have a mandate—people are literally without any focus or leadership, just wandering out into the streets to yell right now because they are so pissed off. Imagine if they had a leader."

Fooled by a politician? Who ever said that shit must be new here. It's okay, I too just learned to not put your trust into some politicians. But I learned this while watching an episode of 90210 where Congresswoman Brandy betrayed Silver by leaking that video of Teddy's gay wedding. Yes, I just admitted that I'm one of the only hos who still watch 90210. You can decide whether or not that's more embarrassing than Matt's Christmas vest.

If you took that picture as a hint, your answer to the headline question would probably be the boiled bunny rabbit from Fatal Attraction in a crushed Harpo Marx wig, but noooope. Hugh Hefner told The Insider that Lindsay Lohan is baring her freckled pot grabber in the January/February Playboy Magazine and he says that the spread is inspired by guess fucking who:

"It's a classic tribute inspired by the original Tom Kelly nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe, a portion of which was the original playmate in the very first issue of Playboy. Oh yes. And classy, very classy."

Lindsay Lohan has already humped every last bit of life out of Marilyn's image by doing this shit, this shit and saying this shit and now she's doing it again?! What did Marilyn Monroe ever do to deserve this? Did Marilyn Monroe kill Nana Lohan's kitten back in the day and this is Lindsay Lohan's way of getting revenge? LiLo is not playing by the rules, because you can't Single White Female a ho who is not here to defend herself by stiletto-ing a trick in the eye, or whatever. I swear, if LiLo could afford a ticket to DC, she'd totally try to fuck Obama.