Nalgas

James Franco is a considerate celebrity who knows that you've seen his face EVERYWHERE and so he's changing things up flashing his ass cheeks everywhere instead. (This is the place where you submit your re-worked "since when does his face and his ass look any different" joke.) James dropped his panties, brushed off the ricocheted air kisses he blows at his own ass in the mirror and cracked a sideways grin for Flaunt Magazine's cover. If it's safe for you to look at Michael Lohan's mug shot at work then it's probably safe for you to look at James Franco's SANS CHONIES ass, butt I put it behind a cut just in case. Get it!

Earlier this morning, the earth stopped spinning for two seconds, because every titty-loving creature held their breaths and pulled down their chonies at the same time when the words "SCARLETT JOHANSSON NUDE PICTURES LEAKED" were stamped on the internet's taint and BOOM! This is what everyone has been waiting for!

This is why wars are being fought! Every single fap has been a dress rehearsal for this moment! This is why peens get up in the morning! Etc! Etc! Etc! But then it happened, and nothing. Nobody put down their guns and started jacking. The world kept being a shit place. How do I really, really know? Well, I got up to pee this morning, then put on my way too-tight, ball-hugging shorty shorts, sat down in front of this laptop and out came some tardy for the party piss giving me a wet spot that I swear my mom's bitchy cat is judging me for. I see a "You know, the litter box is just over there..." look coming from his prissy eyes. ScarJo's nipple gracing the internet was supposed to stop shit like this from happening. We've been lied to!

But anyway, (NSFW unless you work for UNICEF) click here to see ScarJo's nipple, ass and ugly wallpaper. TMZ says that the FBI is investigating this since the pictures were hacked from her cell phone by the same ho who hacked Vanessa Hudgens and MiserAlba. But the FBI don't need to investigate this shit since this isn't ScarJo. It's obviously Not Blake Lively.

Thank OPRAH (after feeling the invisible palm of O on my forehead during her final sermon it feels only right to call God by her first name) for the LOOK AT ME stretch of beach in Malibu and for paparazzos with WiFi cards who immediately upload pictures on their laptops in their cars, because I completely forgot that Tori Spelling is knocked up with the 5th cast member of their reality show. Tori let her womb dome hang out and filled her chest gulley with sunshine as she strolled along the beach with her family. Good. Now I'll never forget. The wonky and hard nipple on her belly won't let me.

This NBA star is cheating on his reality star wife with another reality star who used to be on Real World way way back in the day. (CDAN)

Possibility #1: Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom and Tami Roman from The Real World L.A. and Basketball Wives? If this is the case, then it wasn't not funny, because Khloe will sniff Tami's scent out and drag her into her lair where she'll commit the kind of horrific shit only seen in that Descent movie.

Possibility #2: Scottie & Larissa Pippen from Real Housewives of Miami, and Trishelle from The Real World: Las Vegas? La Bruja was right!

This D List actress, only known for one movie, bragged to friends that she supplied her drug habit last year and lavish lifestyle by skimming people’s credit card numbers in a card scam. The ring was broken up, but it was never linked to her. (BuzzFoto)

Tara the Terrible Reid strikes again?

Old Hollywood: This male Academy Award winner was known for his singing voice. What is not known to many is that to keep his career going and his voice, he had himself castrated. There are rumors that the castration was actually his way of preventing sexual urges he had for men which he thought was morally wrong. (CDAN)

Frank Sinatra? No. George Chakiris? Probably not. Yul Brynner? Maybe. Fred Astaire? Doubt it.

But whoever it is probably let out a giant "awwwfuck" when his asshole twitched at man crotch after he got his balls hacked off.

It's Monday morning for some of you, so the top of your head might still be in a toilet at an Arby's where you left it after one of your nights of cold-blooded fuckery. So hopefully, these pictures of Hugh Jackmeoff massaging his nipple, dry fucking his towel and pushing a lube bubble out of his b-hole (aka The Downward Tommy Girl) will ease your pain just a little.

There was a full moon in Chicago last night courtesy of the Bears' wide receiver Devin Hester. Just because he's the wide receiver, doesn't mean any bitch can rip his pants off without asking. DAMN! Romance him a little first by flicking at his nipple or blowing him air kisses. You can't just go around pantsing people without getting an invitation first. Well, unless the pantser's name is Anderson Cooper and the panstee is yours truly. That is the only exception.

In other news, Gay Al Reynolds just announced that he's going to try out for the Chicago Bears next season.

After the jump, is a closer look at Devin's nalgas. Tild your head to the left to see it smiling at you! JUMP!

And now your loins can exhale, because Levi Johnston's Playgay spread has made its way onto their website. Levi already said that he's not going to drop his Alaskan meat on our foreheads, but he does give us some pubes and full nalgas. Levi's built like a soft-serve cone and his nalgas aren't going to win contests anytime soon, but my no-no isn't going to bitch or moan. It takes what it can get.

I'll stop, so that you can get to the goods already after the jump. By the way, this is not PORN. It's in black and white, so that mean this is high-art. Just tell yourself that while you pinch at your nipples and flick your taint. Also, his Bristol tattoo really adds the touch of elegance this phoot really needed.

UPDATE: Images removed per request, but you can skip on over to Playgirl and drop a few coins to see the nekkidness.

If your bikini bottom isn't halfway up your no-no and flossing your anal canal, then you are doing it wrong! Just ask Gay Al Reynolds. He probably has this bikini in every color of the rainbow!

Here's the CAPS-LOCK Master and his rent-to-own snatch Amber Rose hanging out in Miami yesterday. And Amber Rose is literally hanging out. I love how she's covering up her breasts while her butt boobies are out for all to see. Modesty = u r doing it wrng.

Even though Amber Rose wore her favorite "LOOK AT MY ASS" bikini by Crest Glide, Gay Fish wasn't happy with the attention. Kanye used his stumpy middle finger to send a message to the paps. Don't make him put that glass of Dynasty juice down and break his MacBook Air over this shit. BITCH BOGUS!

Bruno's world domination officially started in Paris yesterday at the premiere of his movie where he killed hos with his Naired pancake nalgas and fancy farts. That gayderhosen on Bruno wasn't glittery at first, but then when he put it on....SMASH. CLICK. GLITZ.

Fun fact: This was Tommy Girl's original costume in Valkyrie, but for some strange reason the producers vetoed it.

Here's more of Bruno puckering for the cameras yesterday and also leaving his hotel later in the day wearing Gay Al's "Ode to Thriller" outfit.

Paula Deen, the clogged artery of my heart (and that's a compliment), was keeping it sexy at the Miami Food & Wine Festival yesterday when her nalgas decided to come out and play while she was walking off the stage. I figured Paula Deen is a Red Vines g-string kind of bitch, but she was wearing some flesh-colored granny panties instead. I'm also surprised a stick of butter didn't fall out of her ass. Seriously, you know she can churn butter up in there.