Butchery

And now the time has come for Hollywood to take whatever is left of our childhoods and finally push it into the meat grinder, because they're remaking John Hughes' movies now. Weird Science was one of the first movies that my rich friend made me a copy of on his rich people dual VHS recorder and I wore that bitch out, and now Hollywood is butchering it up by remaking it. I can't even do the slow wall slide of sadness over this, because it's not surprising. Every time I hear that Hollywood is remaking a classic from my childhood, I just make the same face I make when a one night trick runs out the door as soon as I take my clothes off. I shrug and say, "Eh, lost another one."

Deadline says Joel Silver, who produced the original with John Hughes, is producing the remake and has hired the dude who wrote the new 21 Jump Street script to write this shit. Joel's plan is to make Weird Science raunchier and edgier.

I'm into raunchier and I'm into edgier, but I'm not into them replacing Kelly LeBrock. That shit show on the USA Network was bad enough. I just know they're going to get Kate Upton or Megan Fox or Rosie Huntington-Whateverly. The only way I'll be okay with this is if they cast one of the following:

1. Courtney Stodden - She's a master at accents and she's made of parts from old PCS and factory-defected animatronic Real Dolls.
2. Shauna Sand - Needs no explanation.
3. Tan Mom - The pictures speak for themselves.
4. Richard Simmons - Because he can deliver the hell out of the line, "You're out of shape, I'll kick your arse!"

And they can totally get Donald Trump to play Chet the Shit!

Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell's furry tit pies and even the original Underwood, Blair Underwood, would make more sense as Maria than Carrie Underwood, but Carrie Underwood's the one who got the starring role in NBC's live broadcast of The Sound of Music. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the dudes who produce Smash, and NBC announced this morning that American Idol season 4 winner and country star Carrie Underwears will be SANGING to the von Trapp chirruns on NBC next December. NBC's president said this in a statement to Playbill:

"Speaking for everyone at NBC, we couldn't be happier to have the gifted Carrie Underwood take up the mantle of the great Maria von Trapp. She was an iconic woman who will now be played by an iconic artist.”

First Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, then Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone and now this? What's next? Ruben Studdard as Aretha Franklin (I wish)? Hollywood is truly fucking with our emotions and they love it. But I'm still all for this casting and only because it probably pissed Taylor Swift off. Taylor just threw a mean mug at her cat and pushed away her plate of heart-shaped pancakes with heart-shaped strawberries on them. This is really going to drive Taylor into her Emo phase.

Hopefully, NBC country-fies all of their Sound of Music remake by casting Billy Ray Cyrus as Captain von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior (I'm serious about that one), the Duggars as the von Trapp children and Kenny Chesney as Elsa.

Here's Carrie Underwears singing "The Sound of Music" a few years ago:

I really can't stand any of Alicia Keys' songs, because they all sound like commercials to me. Examples: "Empire State of Mind" is a song for the New York State tourism board. "You Don't Know My Name" is a song for Ginkgo Biloba and/or Alzheimer's medications. "Superwoman" is a song for Kotex and/or Centrium Silver for Women. And "Girl On Fire" is a song for Gonorrhea awareness.

And now I'm really mad at Alicia, because she just had to ruin the magical and wondrous Gummi Bear theme song by screaming it out on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night. It wasn't not funny and it wasn't not necessary. Just because Alicia ruined a trick's marriage doesn't mean she has to ruin everything else including a piece of my childhood. Alicia better stay away from the Muppet Babies theme song AND the Beverly Hills Teens theme song.

If you need something to clean your ears out, here you go:

Because Beyonce is a highly-talented and skilled thespian whose daddy did her wrong by not buying her an Oscar for delivering the line "I'll show you crazy!" in Obsessed, Clint Eastwood cast her in the 10 millionth remake of A Star Is Born. They were supposed to start shooting several centuries ago, but because Beyonce got busy with feeding liquid gold to the chosen one and Clint Eastwood was too busy fighting with chairs, that mess never went into pre-production. And now, Beyonce is exiting stage left and she's blaming it on "scheduling conflicts." Yeah, that's just a publicist's way of saying that Beyonce doesn't want to have to get crazy on some pepaw ass when Clint starts dissing her man, Obama, on set. That's a shame, because I really want to see Invisible Obama get up out of his chair when Beyonce and Clint start fighting about him.

Variety says that even though this remake is turning about to be a disaster, Clint still wants to make it and now he wants to cast jazz singer and Belieber enemy, Esperanza Spalding, in the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. Clint can't even make an offer to Esperanza until they cast the male lead and every actor in Hollywood is running from that role like it's some stank puss. Christian Bale turned it down. Leonardo DiCatchAHo shook his head no to it. And even Tommy Girl, who LOVES musicals, doesn't want any part of it. Clint is trying to get Bradley Cooper, but so far, nothing.

Screw Beyonce and screw Bradley Cooper! Clint doesn't need them. Clint Eastwood should show them all by casting himself in the Kris Kristofferson role and a chair with a wig on it in the Babs role. A wig-wearing chair has more acting talent than Beyonce, anyway.

"She's pretty much Elizabeth Taylor reincarnated" is the line that came out of Grant Bowler's mouth in this behind-the-scenes shit for Lifetime's Liz & Dick and I can't believe those words came out of his talk hole without his family and loved ones showing up in the frame to calmly take his hand and walk him to rehab since he's obviously beyond high on the wrong stuff. After Grant spit up that butt corn of delusion, I totally expected to see a giant net fall over his body and for him to scream as two men in white coats dragged him to a waiting van, because he's talking CRAZY!

Does his ass even know what "reincarnated" means? Maybe he thinks it means that Lindsay Lohan has taken Elizabeth Taylor's image, butchered it until it's barely recognizable and then sold it in pieces at a carniceria in the valley, because if that's what he mean then he's making sense.

How can Grant say that mess of words when he's sitting there staring at Lindsay Lohan looking more like Elizabloat Taylor than Elizabeth Taylor. Whatever it is LiLo gave you to snort, Grant, stop it before more loads of crazy spew out of your mouth and before your nose looks like this:

It wasn't NOT funny!

(pic of Mr. Busted Coke Nose via DM)

Apparently, Clarence House threatened to punish any British publication that publishes the pictures that have been called the greatest work of modern art since the hologram cover for Prince's Diamonds and Pearls CD (that shit really blew my mind as a kid), and that punishment includes feeling their brain cells slip out of their ear holes while suffering death by boredom from having tea with Prince William and Duchess Kate. So some bitches had to get creative and The Sun handled it by recreating the pictures using a Prince Hot Ginge lookalike who looks nothing like PHG. My asshole looks more like PHG than this shit poor excuse for a look-alike does. Okay, that's not really true, because if my b-hole looked more like PHG than this impostor, I wouldn't be writing this post right now. I'd be in yoga class, trying to stretch my head all the way to my PHG-looking no-no hole to whisper sweet nothings into it.

I'm happy that Bud Bundy is actually getting work as a PHG stand-in, but this is just lazy! Okay, I know The Sun is trying to be smart by getting one of their reporters named Harry to do the "cupping the crown jewels" pose, but they could've at least glued some saffron to dude's chest so it looks like he has a field of red chest hairs. Seriously, The Sun should be the ones getting punished, not PHG.

UsWeekly says that PHG is back in England and he and his royal guards are facing the wrath of THE QUEEN. But some palace aide says that nobody will be sent to the Halifax Gibbet:

"Of course questions will be asked, and matters raised, but no one's job is on the line. As protection officers, their job is to intervene when his life is at risk, not to protect his image."

The Queen didn't give three shits about the Olympics, so I'm hoping she wont' give three shits about this. I bet that once PHG waltzes into her throne room, she'll excuse everybody from the room by ordering them to immediately bleach her Corgis b-holes, then she'll make a lot of noise like she's beating the foolery out of him. But she'll actually pat him on the back and then ask him how many of those skanks did he knight with his royal crotch scepter? That's exactly how it's going to go down.

In case you were wondering if Hollywood still hates you, they do! They plan to ruin my tweenhood memories of watching What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? on AMC when AMC played classic old movies instead of playing Mystic Fucking Pizza all the time. ("Michael, Mystic Pizza IS an old movie. You're just too old to not know this. Now drink your prune juice and choke on a caramel square, you decrepit hag!" - you) Deadline says that Hollywood has pulled out the guillotine and this time Baby Jane is going under it. Walter Hill, the director of 48 Hrs. and The Getaway, will write and direct the remake. Yeah, now I know how the maid felt after Baby Jane bopped over the head with a hammer. Here's the details from Deadline:

Hill sparked to the idea of re-creating the nightmarish relationship between two sisters in a crumbling Hollywood mansion, where former child star Jane Hudson (Davis) holds captive her crippled former movie-queen sister (Crawford). “The two equal leads demand great performers — that is a given,” Hill said. “The intensity of the Gothic storyline makes a reconfiguration of the drama still a potentially searing experience. The idea is to make a modern film without modernizing the period. It needs to resonate the golden age of Hollywood.”

Just imagining a trick besides Bette Davis saying "But ya ahhhh, Blanche, ya ahhhh in that chair" is making my ears dry heave. We already had a TV remake in 1991 with Vanessa and Lynn Redgrave, and we don't need another one.

But if Hollywood insists on going through with this mess, then they should really make the remake a serious horror show. They should wipe all the Vaseline from the camera lenses, film it in 3D IMAX with bright overhead lightning and give us this cast:

"Sister, sister, oh so fair, why is there coke all over your hair?"

If you're the Alabama Leprechaun and you're looking for the wrong stuff to smoke, head directly to the casting office for The Butler, because they're obviously tripping into new dimensions over there. They're tripping so hard that they've frolicked into a new world where casting Minka Kelly and Matthew McConaughey as the Kennedys makes sense. Because it makes zero sense in this world. R. Kelly and Rooster McConaughey as Jackie & John makes more sense than this mess.

Indiewire has blown out a crack cloud in the form of news that the Leighton Meester impersonator and the Texas T-Rex will join Forrest Whitaker, Oprah, Cuba Gooding Jr., Lenny Kravitz, Terrence Howard, Alan Rickman (as Ronald Reagan), Jane Fonda (as Nancy Reagan), John Cusack (as Nixon) and Nicole Kidman's forehead (as The White House) in The Butler. Lee Daniels, who directed Precious, will direct the story of the White House butler (played by Forrest Whitaker) who served eight presidents from 1952 to 1986. But who the hell cares about the story! My ears are too busy curling at the thought of Matthew McConaughey trying to turn his extra slow drawl into JFK's accent. It's going to sound like what would hit your ears if a stoned Forrest Gump was in The Departed.

Terrible accents aside, 99% of this movie's budget is going to go toward turning these hos into the people they're supposed to be playing using the same shit the Kardashians smear their faces with (sandbox indian clay, terracotta epoxy putty and shark cartilage). To save money, Lee Daniels should just fire everybody and cast this movie from Disney World's Hall of Presidents. It'd be cheaper and the performances would definitely be better.

America's Next Top J. Jill Catalog Model's ratings have been falling faster than Tyra Banks' sanity and so she has pulled her defibrillator out to try to save it from completely flatlining. The New York Post reports that sometime yesterday, TyTy and the show's executive producer Ken Mok fired noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, noted sashayer Miss J and noted Tron unicorn Mr. J. All three of them have been with that shit since the beginning. TyTy confirmed on Facebook that the 19th season will be Nigel-less and J-less:

To my Nigel Barker, Miss J, and Mr Jay: Thank you for all of our years together on America's Next Top Model! Working with you is always an absolute pleasure. Excited for what the future holds for us. XOXO, TyTy

Meanwhile, the deflating bag of cold farts that is Kelly Cutrone is staying on as a judge.

Apparently, TyTy is giving the 19th season a complete makeover and wants to bring social media into that shit. The producers are talking to a few fashions bloggers including BryanBoy.

Why doesn't TyTy just get it over with and turn ANTM into America's Next Top Tyra Is Tyra, judged by Tyra, styled by Tyra, starring Tyra and only Tyra? Nigel and Jay Manuel can go, but firing Miss Jay is like purposefully dimming the sparkle on a piece of glitter. TyTy has finally broken out of her straitjacket and gone full crazy bitch. But what's even crazier is that I'll still suffer through season 19, because I have major abandonment issues when it comes to reality shit shows (see: Survivor, Amazing Race, Dancing with the Has-Beens, The Real World, Cops, etc.. etc...).

Because Lindsay Lohan and every other bottom of the barrel ho dressing up as her in a photo shoot for Harper's Bazaar Uzbekistan hasn't completely made Marilyn Monroe roll down through the earth's crust, a TV production company and her estate (that's cold) are working together on a reality show that will look for Hollywood's newest "it" girl. Lindsay Lohan, don't you dare drop your coke straw to pick up a pen to fill out an application for this mess. I said "girl" not "ghoul."

The plot, or whatever you call it, for this sacrilegiousness sounds like a mess and it honestly makes LiLo's Marilyn Monroe obsession seem completely healthy and not at all fucked up. Here's the few sentences about this soon-to-be disaster from Deadline that are making me want to murder my TV and make it look like a suicide:

Entertainment One has teamed with the Estate of Marilyn Monroe to develop and produce Finding Marilyn, a competition reality series that will emulate Monroe’s journey to stardom by featuring twelve young girls as they travel to Los Angeles to compete for a chance to become the next Hollywood “it” girl.

Emulate Marilyn's journey? In the hell? The makers of this need to compete in a reality show called Finding A FUCKING ASS CLUE since they have none.

Once the winner beats the other Norma Jeans (that's totally what they're going to call them), she'll win a lifetime of sadness and a lethal dose of barbiturates. Then when she's gone, the whores of Hollywood and beyond can spit all over her image in every medium. It's the cycle of butchery. May the odds ever be in your BARF.