Butchery

The last time Julia Roberts' tongue tried to twist out a foreign accent (see: the watered down in shit Irish accent she did in Michael Collins) Ireland almost declared war on our asses, and rightly so. So I'm sure some country is going to hate attack us in the face for the jacked up accent she spits up in the other Snow White movie Mirror, Mirror. I'd tell you which country, but I don't even know what kind of accent she's trying to make. Is it British? Is it Madge-ish? Is it Muppet? Is it the same accent as the one the Google Translate bitch does? Whatever it is, it's fucked up.

The rest of the trailer for Mirror, Mirror tells me that if I'm ever going to see this mess in full, I better smoke the wrong stuff out of an apple bong beforehand. All nerves will have to be numbed to deal with Julia's face acrobats and her signature horse cackle that still sounds like Woody Woodpecker getting ass fucked without lube on a seesaw.

Can't we pluck (not punned on purpose) Brow White from this movie and throw her into the one with Charlize Thereon? Then we can stick this mess into ABC Family right between a PSA on cyber bullying and a tampon commercial.

JLo's days are already packed with crying out choreographed glycerin tears on American Idol, cultivating herself as the greatest beard to ever wrap around Bradley Cooper's chin, hawking cars that cost less than her polar bear fur tampons, and now she's adding something else to her schedule: RUINING CARMEN SANDIEGO! That sentence was the knife that just went into your childhood's stomach. If those assholes greenlight a movie version of the Legend of Zelda starring Justin Bieber, just end my childhood for good by beating it in the head with a gold Nintendo cartridge (I thought that was some fancy shit when I was kid).

Back in the 90s, Sandra Bullock was supposed to throw on a red trench as Carmen and that would've been a special kind of awful too. But now it's in JLo's shit-turning fingers! The good news is that JLo hasn't signed on to star yet, but the bad news is that she's going to produce it. Here's hoping that JLo does the right thing by casting Beyonce since that bitch really knows how to steal.

Here's the details on that mess from Deadline:

The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series.

The only good thing that will come out of a Carmen Sandiego movie is the resurrection of Rockapella:

And here's JLo playing What In The World Am I Wearing? while walking around Argentina today.

Hollywood is queefing out Snow White movie after Snow White movie and here's the one that recycled Bjork's Oscar swan dress (see Phil Collins' daughter wearing that white tinfoil swan mess on her head in the picture below) and also cast Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen. The only two words that jump into my head after blinking at this picture a couple of time are: A MESS!

You know, Julia's laugh could put any bitch in a coma so she sort of makes sense as the Evil Queen, but then they stapled my auntie's white peacock wall ornament to her back and slapped some sequined peacock feathers over her nipples. How are we supposed to believe that Julia can shoot fear into grown men when she basically looks like the fail version of this masterpiece look:

Even the Evil Queen's mirror can't with the mess she's wearing. I'm sure there one scene will go something like this:

The Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Do you mean, who's the biggest fool of all? That would be you and your peacock nipples. Now go pluck yourself, you silly bitch!

Don't even get me started on how we're supposed to believe that an evil horse would actually give up one of its apples. You know you're in trouble when your version of Snow White makes Kristen Stewart's version of Snow White look interesting.

That being said, I'll be sitting sixth row center on opening night since I cannot ignore a campy mess that not even ABC Family would air.

Here's more from Tarsem Singh's Snow White that stars Lily Collins (as Snow White), Julia (as the EQ), Armie Hammer (as Prince Charming) and Nathan Lane (as the Evil Queen's henchman).

A bitch would think that the plot of Bewitched would've made like the original Darrin and quick Hollywood completely after the diarrheaous movie version starring Nicole Kidman was shat out. But nope, Hollywood isn't done scooting skid marks all over the memory of Bewitched and what's worse is that two producers from that bomb movie are coming back to do it all over again for CBS.

The Wrap says that Marc Lawrence who wrote Miss Congeniality is writing the pilot right now. Douglas Wick and Lucy Fisher, who are responsible for that laxative of a movie, are producing the remake.

There's no need in screaming my ass lips off over this, because this is what Hollywood does and will continue to do until the earth's core finally blows up right after a remake of I Love Lucy starring Katherine Hagel is announced. Hollywood is always sticking their fingers down their froats to barf up remake after remake. A bunch of bulimics!

Besides, Bewitched never really had a place in the Tivo in my heart. The only thing I remember about Bewitched is trying to do Tabatha's coke nose twitch and thinking that Endora looked really hot on that plane wing. Speaking of, that "Endora lounging on a plane wing" thing would never happen today. The portal she uses to get to that wing now has a security checkpoint, and by the time the TSA finishes searching her ginger mop with a wand, Samantha's flight would be over.

And my only hope is that the producers bring the glory of Carrot Top to the masses by casting him as Endora.

The time has inevitably come for the shameless murderers of Hollywood to dig into your childhood and drag out Dirty Dancing to be butchered until it's nothing but a lifeless corpse covered in 3D effects and stuffed with a soundtrack by the Black Eyed Peas. Deadline is saying that Lionsgate has already given the thumbs up to the execution of Dirty Dancing and has hired the original movie's choreographer Kenny Ortega as director. Kenny is responsible for that High School Musical mess and was supposed to direct the Footloose remake but pulled out after Zac Efron pulled out. Here's the press release from Deadline that Lionsgate etched into Dirty Dancing's tombstone:

The new film is a celebration of one of the most beloved movies of all time. Paying tribute to the emotional excitement of first love, the thrills and complexity of sexual awakening, the soul stirring power of dance, and the classic tale of teenage Baby’s forbidden romance with Johnny Castle, the remake will incorporate classic songs from the 1960s, hits from the original film and brand new compositions.

“Amazingly it has been almost 25 years since the original film was released, but the fans remain legion, and engaged more than ever with a brand that is special and vital to them. We believe that the timing couldn’t be better to modernize this story on the big screen, and we are proud to have Kenny Ortega at the helm.” said Drake.

Since Kenny Ortega pretty much licks up the drops of bronzer that drips off of Zac Efron's glazed hole, it goes without saying that he's going to cast the pretty pretty princess as Johnny Castle. I think I just felt Patrick Swayze pirouette in his grave. Then Kenny's going to cast Justin Bieber as Baby, Blake Lively as my favorite Penny and Demi Lovato as Lisa Houseman. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Will somebody please put Kenny Ortega in the corner!

If the thought of Jesse Metcalfe shaking his "bigger in Texas" tits next to the other Desperate Housewives piece in Dallas 2012 made you want to go back in time to throw yourself in front of the bullet heading for J.R. , then you might want to get in line at the time machine. Or maybe not.

Last night, TNT aired the first preview for the new Dallas, which stars Man Tits Metcalfe (as Bobby and Pam's adopted son), Josh Henderson (as J.R. and Sue Ellen's son John Ross II), Larry Hagman, Linda Gray, Patrick Duffy, Charlene Tilton, Brenda Strong, Jordana Brewster and Julie Gonzalo. The first of 10 episodes will start airing in one damn year.

It's still too early to tell if this is going to be a sloppy mess like the one Jesse Metcalfe's over-lactating nipples make in his tank top when he sneezes too hard. I only hope that the season one finale is titled: Who Plucked J.R.'s Abominable Snowman Brows?

And you can go ahead and sign my name at the bottom of the "Where in the Alexis Carrington wannabe Hell is that hot bitch Angelica Nero?!" petition you're going to send to TNT.

via Entertainment Weekly

So many things are better with Bacon in it like toothpaste, Jennifer Aniston's hair, nipples and now you can add the Footloose reboot to that list. This is the first trailer of the modern version of MTV's remake of Footloose and not only is it one degree away from Kevin Bacon, it will soon be zero degrees away from a shelf full of Razzies. Instead of Kevin Bacon, they give us some trick named Kenny Wormald (which sounds like an infectious disease you get after a worm pisses on you) and instead of Lori Singer, they give us Julianne Hough.

You know, Julianne Hough is growing on me the same way Ryan Gaycrest's ass lips grow when he sees her brother shirtless, but the rest of this makes a strong case for moving to a town that bans all the showings of 80s remakes. But I'm not going to waste my energy on raising my flaming pitchfork at this watered down mess. I'll save that for when MTV inevitably remakes my childhood classic Mac and Me (re-titled Subway and Me) starring Snooki and Gary from Teen Mom.

I'd like to think that Mariska Hargitay can see the future and knew this hurtful rumor was coming, which is why she has a look on her face in the picture above that says: "This is the mess you're going to replace me with?"

Deadline Hollywood says that Mariska will make next season of Law & Order: SVU her last and the producers are now looking for the lucky actress who gets to share space with Christopher Meloni's freshly waxed chest clits. Jennifer Love Hewitt guest starred on SVU last season as a rape victim and the producers must've been hypnotized by the shiny sparkles jumping off her crotch crystals, because her name has come up as a possibility for the new lady detective. They haven't offered her the job yet, but they're talking to her about it.

The only Law & Order Jennifer Love Hewitt belongs on is Law & Order: Candyland. This is like replacing a lion with a whiny kitten who only stops meowing if you pet her.

With Detective JLove on the case, the number of false confessions will hit record numbers. Get Det. JLove in a locked room with a suspect and the talk will quickly turn to how she doesn't understand why her boyfriend won't propose to her, and why didn't he get the hint when she bedazzled her crotch with the words "PROPOSE TO ME ALREADY!", and why did he give her the middle finger instead of putting an engagement ring on her finger, and why did he say "lose my number" instead of saying "marry me" before leaving her apartment that morning? And Why? And Why? And whywhywhy?

That really is the quickest way to get an innocent man to scream: I DID IT! GAS ME!

The Conan: The Barbarian reboot (whatever that is) is right on course to becoming this generation's Masters of the Universe. Meaning that it will be awful, will flop and will be enjoyed by yours truly with a full bong at midnight when it comes out Starz. (Note: My 8-year-old self didn't enjoy Masters of the Universe with a full bong. If my memory serves me right, I enjoyed it with a full bottle of Orbitz soda. I think. So there's no need to call Child Protective Services on my mom's ass a million years after the fact. Actually, maybe you should, because that would be funny. Record and YouTube it!).

There is a twinkle in this dull mound crap, though. No, I'm not talking about Jason Momoa's caramel kiss nipples. I'm talking about Rose McGowan as some sort of villain alieness who has an infinityhead like Kristen Wiig's Baby Hands character and a yarn wig like Raggedy Anne. Basically, she's the white Rihanna. Watch her in action.

If this mess came out 20 years ago, my friend Armando and I would both have a Rose McGowan action figure and we'd both be fighting over who gets to be her when we play Conan: The Barbarian in the sandbox. Some stupid little ass girl in our group would say, "But I want to be her. I'm a girl." "SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF HERE!," Armando and I would say in unison.

We already know that Hollywood suffers from a major disorder and just can't stop regurgitating movies that should stay safe in its stomach, so nobody is surprised that they are planning a remake of The Crow (working title: Brandon Lee Hasn't Been Through Enough) starring Bradley Cooper of all bitches. I could holler out a billion WHY?!s over this, but I need to save some for when the executioner of Hollywood announces the remake of Bound starring Katy Perry and Kristen Stewart.

The Hollywood Reporter says that the man who used to be in charge of de-puckering Renee Zellweger by spritzing her with hot sauce is in talks with Relativity and director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo to take the role of Eric Draven. In the original, Brandon Lee (R.I.P.) played a murdered rocker who comes back from the dead to seek revenge on those who wronged him and his fiancee.

Some might say that The Crow is cursed, because Brandon Lee was killed during a stunt gone wrong, but I'm mouth queefing on that crazy talk. However, just to be on the safe side, they should replace all of the rubber bullets with cream cheese bullets. Better yet, just hire Michael Lohan as Bradley's double and make him do all the stunts.