Butchery

The executives over at FOX obviously didn't learn anything from the shit show that was Emeril!, because they have decided to develop a half-hour comedy sitcom based on The Dog Whisperer. FOX needs a new pack leader.

Wilmer Valderrama, who is best known for dating every young vagina in Hollywood, will play the title role. Emily Kapnek, one of the executive producers of Hung, will write and direct the show. The real dog whisperer Cesar Milan will serve as one of the producers.

Wilmer probably thinks he's perfect for this, because in his mind his peen has tamed hundreds of bitches. You know he totally calls himself The Vagina Whisperer.

And Wilmer does have a lot of experience working with slobbery beasts who dry hump anything that stands since he worked with Ashton Kutcher for all those years. So, I guess this sort of makes sense (not really).

Source: Variety

I'm joking. The teaser trailer for the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street didn't give me the zzzzzs, but it did make me laugh until I burped a couple of times. As much as I love Jackie Earle Haley (dude's performance in Little Children made me report him to Chris Hansen), I can't help but think, "You were in Bad News Bears! You don't scare me!" I was seriously waiting for one of the bitches in this trailer to tell Freddy Krueger, "KELLY LEAK, STOP! Coach Buttermaker isn't going to like this!"

And since Michael Bay produced this, does that mean he made Jackie Earle Haley wash his Ferrari for the role? Because if that happened, that's the shit I want to see!

There's really nothing shocking about this since we've already been farted on by a Transformers movie and a G.I. Joe movie. So why not Barbie?! Variety reports that Universal Pictures and Mattel have decided to get into bed together and produce a movie starring everyone's favorite plastic tittied blonde (sorry, Kim Zolciak).

Apparently, this shit will be a live action movie. They are looking for writers now and trying to decide where to take the movie. Lawrence Mark, one of the producers, said, “Barbie may be the most popular girl in the world, and has always been a wonderfully aspirational figure, so we must do her proud."

All "Why?Why?Why?" comments aside, this could be an Oscar-winning role for a very lucky actress. The Barbie movie could get into some deep shit.

Think about it. It could start off being all about pink corvettes, rubber heels and pearl earrings. Then shit will get serious on Barbie and Ken's wedding night when they find out they don't have any goddamn genitals or nipples! Ken and Barbie will try to fuck, but they can't! Bitches can't even take a shit! That will fuck you up.

So Barbie and Ken fall into a deep depression which leads them into a dark world of drugs. Barbie and Ken grow more and more hateful towards the world, because everyone else has fuck parts but them. So they pick up strangers in bars promising them a wild night of sex, but what they really get is their genitals cut off by Barbie! If Barbie can't have a vagina, neither can you!

I'm telling you, Oscars all around!

The satanic warlords of Hollywood have a new way of torturing us. They aren't remaking pieces of our childhood into movies anymore, they are turning them into TV shows! Heathers is already under the guillotine waiting to get chopped, and now Teen Wolf is next. Isn't it sad that your bestest friend, the 1980s, is getting punched in the face over and over again and all you can do is watch...and Tivo it.

Reuters reports that MTV is working on a pilot for the TV version of Teen Wolf and they plan to make it more dramatic. You know, for the Twilight audience. Gurgle. The Senior VP of series development for MTV said, "It has a fresh take and is very different from the original. It has more of an 'American Werewolf in Paris' feel to it. It's a dramatic thriller with two best friends in the center who provide a great comedy element: They are two very relatable characters on the outer circles of popular cliques."

An American Werewolf in Paris?! That's like saying their remake of Teen Wolf is going to have more of a "TOTAL SHIT" feel to it. Which it totally is. It's going to be a giant bowl of fur-covered caca.

The only way I'll be kind of okay with this is if they cast Adrian Grenier's ass crack as the title role.

Hollywood has been trying to eff with Heathers for a while now. Winona Ryder was yapping about a sequel for a long time, then there was talks about a remake and now comes the worst idea of all worst ideas. Heathers: THE TV SHOW! This is obviously Hollywood's way of fucking us slowly with a chainsaw.

Variety brings us the bad news. They report that Mark Rizzo and Jenny Bicks (a writer from Sex and the City) are working together on this crap. They plan to update it and bring back all the characters from the movie. The casting alone is making me vommy. They are totally going to destroy us all by casting Ashley Jizzdale, Tater Head Willis, that Kristin Calamari chick from The Hills, the Miss Lolitas and one of the Jonas hos.

Can we just declare Heathers a historical site, which means evil bitches can't renovate it or fuck with its foundation? If that's not possible, somebody pour chocolate syrup all over Heathers: The TV Show and tell Martha Dumptruck dessert is served!

Has Simon Cowell been drinking from Paula Abdul's sippy cup, because that's the only way to explain why he's planning to remake Saturday Night Fever. It gets worse. Simon wants Zac Efron to play Tony Manero. It gets worserer (yes, I wrote worserer). Simon wants Timbaland to rework the Bee Gees' soundtrack. This news gives you permission to get out of your chair, walk over to your office enemy, slap them and explain, "Simon Cowell is remaking Saturday Night Fever with Zac Efron as Tony." They will understand, because you have to take your anger out on someone.

The Sun says that Simon has been working on the deal for years with producer Robert Stigwood, who owns the rights. During the last few weeks talks have gotten more intense and it looks like they are going to make a deal. And Satan laughs.

If Zac is the star, they are going to completely cover this shit with rainbows and sparklies. No rape scene. No racial tension. No drugs. No fuck words. No nekkidness. No hood rat stuff. And No DONNA PESCOW! This should be illegal. Illegal I tell you.

What's next? Is Simon going to remake Gone with the Wind with Susan Boyle and her cat Pebbles. Actually, that would be kind of hot.

When is Hollywood going to be sent to death row for all the murders they have committed?! Some of our best friends have been butchered and beheaded by the devil children that run Hollywood. The latest cinematic masterpiece that will be strangled by the claws of Hollywood is 1985's Girls Just Want To Have Fun. The 80s doesn't deserve this kind of treatment.

The original starred Pony Parker and Helen Hunt as two bitches who are determined to get on Dance TV. Brenda Walsh was also in it, but only because they needed to add a little hotness (and bitchiness) to the cast.

The movie really isn't about anything. They just wanted to make a movie using the title Girls Just Want To Have Fun, but it worked for me. I mean, even Gina Gershon is in this shit! Why would you mess with perfection? Would you ever think of tinkering with Kate Gosselin's possum head? No. That's my point.

You just know this soon-to-be crap vom is going to star Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez. They are totally going to get The Veronicas to cover Cyndi Lauper's song.

And somewhere in Hell, Satan's minions are already planning remakes of Glitter, Showgirls and Poetic Justice (I love that shit).

VIA Coming Soon

Because we need her to come back and blow up Melrose Place all over again. This shit looks horrific and mainly because Asshole Simpson is in it. Someone please put a butt plug on her (not you, Papa Joe).

These are the first few stills from the new Melrose Place which will terrorize our TVs in the Fall on The CW. Spoiler alert! It will be canceled a week later. Naw. The CW doesn't play that. They like to slowly torture us.

The cast includes: Stephanie Jacobsen, Colin Egglesfield, A Big Asshole, Shaun Sipos, Katie Cassidy, Michael Rady and Jessica Lucas. Sydney Andrews is in some of the stills below, but I don't even think her brilliance can save this shit. I'm still going to jump into my bong and give it a shot.

And how long before Jessica Simpson has run out of yard sales to perform at and is forced to guest star on this mess?

Sweetie, darling, thank God, thank, God! The American butchery of the beloved classic Absolutely Fabulous has been cooked up, sliced and snorted! Hopefully, it will never be heard from again! Nikki Finke's Deadline Hollywood says that Fox has shooed the pilot away, because they just didn't think it was for them. Nikki says it might have been to "femme." Does "femme" mean "watered down shit" in TV-talk, because that's why the American version didn't work.

The pilot starred Kristen Johnston and Kathryn Hahn as Patsy and Edina. The setting was moved from London to Los Angeles. Before they shot the pilot, Kristen said that the American version was definitely more PC. She said there would be less smoking and probably no coke. Translation: FAIL. The original Patsy and Edina wouldn't even be able to move without a ciggie or a snort.

Sucks for Kristen, but YAY for us. If this actually made its way onto my TV screen, I knew I just had to watch it and I was dreading it. My liver was shaking too, because it knew that I would have to consume an entire liquor store just to deal. Our beautiful memories of Patsy and Edina remain intact. Phew. It was going to get ugly.

I mean, look at the picture above. They aren't even wearing Lacroix!

For the first time in like forever, a bitch other than Robert Englund will play Freddy Krueger in a movie. I know. At first I wanted to crawl into a roach box motel and get crushed by a large shoe, but I actually like the whore who is replacing Robert, so maybe this isn't such a bad thing. I don't know.

New Line announced that Jackie Earle Haley will now be slashing teens up in the the remake/re-telling/re-whoring/re-butchering of Nightmare on Elm Street which comes out April 16, 2010. Some dude named Samuel Bayer is directing and another bitch who goes by the name of Wesley Strick is writing the words. Shooting begins May 5th in Chicago.

Some whores may know Jackie as Kelly in The Bad News Bears. Other whores may know him as Rorschach from Watchmen. But I know Jackie as the creepiest child toucher who ever touched from Little Children. Bitch was so convincing that I felt violated after watching his ass. Jackie probably ended up on some kind of government list for that performance. Because I know Jackie has the ability to make me want to scrub my skin with Ajax, he might pull this off.

VIA Coming Soon