Butchery

When Variety pushed out the news yesterday that the piece of mutant dick cheese known as Ashton Kutcher is going to play Steve Jobs in an indie biopic, everyone assumed that the first of April was just yanking the Internet's dick one last time. But it's the morning after and Variety still hasn't dropped a J/K on our asses. It's true and now the Apple fanboys can officially shit out their iButtplugs over this mess.

AssStain will follow-up his multi-layered emotional performances in New Year's Eve and No Strings Attached with the Steve Jobs biopic called JOBS, which starts shooting this May. Jobs will be directed by Joshua Michael Stern and it will follow Steve Jobs' road to Apple and beyond. Sony is currently working on their own Steve Jobs biopic.

If you ask Siri why the ground above Steve Jobs' grave is mulching itself today, she will bring up this story before playing "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" on your iTunes. I know Ashton looks like a young Steve Jobs in the face, but so does my weekend weed man and he didn't get cast in this shit. Was Noah Wylie (aka the only movie Steve Jobs we need in this world) not available or something?!

But this isn't totally bad news, though. If this mess doesn't go straight to Flash and actually gets a marketing budget, it will have posters in the subway. Think of all the beautiful things you can write over Ashton's face with a Sharpie in front of the word JOBS.

Ron Burgundy as Ron Burgundy announced on Conan a couple of nights ago that you will see more of Anchorman in the near future. This is a DO WANT sequel. Well, Hollywood always knows how to take the pucker out of your asshole, because now they're giving us a DO NOT WANT sequel. The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal is working on a sequel to 1988's Twins called Triplets (...ugh) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito and Eddie Murphy as their third brother. You can't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger Danny DeVito Eddie Murphy without A-P-R-I-L-P-H-O-O-L-S (yes, you can but just go with it). Unfortunately, this isn't a joke.

Ivan Rietman is the producer on Triplets and he's currently looking for a writer and director to bring this cinematic nightmare to life. Arnold, Danny and Eddie have all agreed to do this.

Arnold, Danny and Eddie each have enough money to build themselves 30,000 square foot mansions out of $100 bills, so they can't only be doing this for a check. Why are they doing this to us? Hollywood is splattering our eyes with this dirty diaper mess, but yet they haven't given us a sequel to Big Business called Bigger Business (starring Bette, Lily and Mo'Nique.) Or a sequel to Outrageous Fortune called Outrageouser Fortune? Triplets it not what I ordered! Take it back. I'd rather Alicia Silverstone bird-feed me January Jones' placenta than watch this mess.

Stephen King said last year that he thinks Lindsay Lohan is perfect for the title role in the movie version of one of his books and he wasn't talking about Cujo or Dolores Claiborne. Stephen was talking about the ten hundredth remake of Carrie. I'm assuming that Stephen King only said that shit because White Oprah threatened to douse him in a bucket of pig's blood (aka squat and queef over him) if he didn't. Thankfully, White Oprah didn't get to the movie's director Kimberly Pierce, because Kimberly has cast 15-year-old Chloe Moretz as Carrie instead of 55-year-old-in-the-face Lindsay Lohan.

Deadline says that MGM put out an offer to Chloe after Kimberly met with the likes of Dakota Fanning for the role. Kimberly met with Chloe last weekend and a quick minute later, a contract was dropped into her lap and she accepted that shit. Kimberly will now start searching for someone to play the Piper Laurie role. Rumor is that both Jodie Foster and Julianne Moore are being considered for Carrie's fun-hating crazy mom.

I've always had a special place in my dead heart for crazy ass Carrie. Brats made fun of Carrie for getting her period and brats made fun of me by saying it only a matter of time before I got my period. Brats threw maxi-pads at Carrie and brats threw tampons at me in the gym. (Yes, my sister regularly got free tampons, but the plastic on those things hurt!) Carrie burned those brats to the ground on prom night and I secretly wished those brats would get burned to the ground on prom night. I know Carrie and this Chloe girl is no Carrie. Homegirl is not busted enough to play Carrie. I wonder what kind of Hollywood wizardry they're going to do to her to "fugly" her up. Give her a pair of glasses, put her hair in a bun and then use my junior high school yearbook picture as inspiration for the rest of her look?! Actually, that will probably work.

I knew there was a good reason for not trusting that shifty My Week With Marilyn movie and this is the reason why. Variety says that director Sacha Gervasi has cast ScarJo to play Jamie Lee Curtis' mom in a movie about the making of the movie Psycho. Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho was probably inspired by My Week With Marilyn (it was) and it will also star Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock, Helen Mirren as Hitchock's wife and James D'Arcy as Anthony Perkins. Oh, and again, ScarJo is playing Janet Leigh. I had to remind you of this in case you forgot, because you stabbed yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after reading it the first time. Don't worry about that eye. You're going to look so much hotter with an eye patch.

This mess of a movie is going to be about all the problems Hitchcock had making Psycho. I'm sure the silver lining in this for some of you is watching ScarJo slowly bleed out chocolate syrup to death in a cold shower, but I say Hollywood needs to leave Psycho alone. It's been through enough. It's still raw from getting butchered in that shitrocious remake starring God's daughter Anne Heche. Let a bitch breathe for you punch it again.

I guess movies about the making of movies is now a thing and it'll be a thing again in 50 years when a waterlogged piece of cardboard with two dough balls pasted to it plays ScarJo in a movie about the making of the making of Psycho.

The last time Julia Roberts' tongue tried to twist out a foreign accent (see: the watered down in shit Irish accent she did in Michael Collins) Ireland almost declared war on our asses, and rightly so. So I'm sure some country is going to hate attack us in the face for the jacked up accent she spits up in the other Snow White movie Mirror, Mirror. I'd tell you which country, but I don't even know what kind of accent she's trying to make. Is it British? Is it Madge-ish? Is it Muppet? Is it the same accent as the one the Google Translate bitch does? Whatever it is, it's fucked up.

The rest of the trailer for Mirror, Mirror tells me that if I'm ever going to see this mess in full, I better smoke the wrong stuff out of an apple bong beforehand. All nerves will have to be numbed to deal with Julia's face acrobats and her signature horse cackle that still sounds like Woody Woodpecker getting ass fucked without lube on a seesaw.

Can't we pluck (not punned on purpose) Brow White from this movie and throw her into the one with Charlize Thereon? Then we can stick this mess into ABC Family right between a PSA on cyber bullying and a tampon commercial.

JLo's days are already packed with crying out choreographed glycerin tears on American Idol, cultivating herself as the greatest beard to ever wrap around Bradley Cooper's chin, hawking cars that cost less than her polar bear fur tampons, and now she's adding something else to her schedule: RUINING CARMEN SANDIEGO! That sentence was the knife that just went into your childhood's stomach. If those assholes greenlight a movie version of the Legend of Zelda starring Justin Bieber, just end my childhood for good by beating it in the head with a gold Nintendo cartridge (I thought that was some fancy shit when I was kid).

Back in the 90s, Sandra Bullock was supposed to throw on a red trench as Carmen and that would've been a special kind of awful too. But now it's in JLo's shit-turning fingers! The good news is that JLo hasn't signed on to star yet, but the bad news is that she's going to produce it. Here's hoping that JLo does the right thing by casting Beyonce since that bitch really knows how to steal.

Here's the details on that mess from Deadline:

The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series.

The only good thing that will come out of a Carmen Sandiego movie is the resurrection of Rockapella:

And here's JLo playing What In The World Am I Wearing? while walking around Argentina today.

Hollywood is queefing out Snow White movie after Snow White movie and here's the one that recycled Bjork's Oscar swan dress (see Phil Collins' daughter wearing that white tinfoil swan mess on her head in the picture below) and also cast Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen. The only two words that jump into my head after blinking at this picture a couple of time are: A MESS!

You know, Julia's laugh could put any bitch in a coma so she sort of makes sense as the Evil Queen, but then they stapled my auntie's white peacock wall ornament to her back and slapped some sequined peacock feathers over her nipples. How are we supposed to believe that Julia can shoot fear into grown men when she basically looks like the fail version of this masterpiece look:

Even the Evil Queen's mirror can't with the mess she's wearing. I'm sure there one scene will go something like this:

The Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Do you mean, who's the biggest fool of all? That would be you and your peacock nipples. Now go pluck yourself, you silly bitch!

Don't even get me started on how we're supposed to believe that an evil horse would actually give up one of its apples. You know you're in trouble when your version of Snow White makes Kristen Stewart's version of Snow White look interesting.

That being said, I'll be sitting sixth row center on opening night since I cannot ignore a campy mess that not even ABC Family would air.

Here's more from Tarsem Singh's Snow White that stars Lily Collins (as Snow White), Julia (as the EQ), Armie Hammer (as Prince Charming) and Nathan Lane (as the Evil Queen's henchman).

A bitch would think that the plot of Bewitched would've made like the original Darrin and quick Hollywood completely after the diarrheaous movie version starring Nicole Kidman was shat out. But nope, Hollywood isn't done scooting skid marks all over the memory of Bewitched and what's worse is that two producers from that bomb movie are coming back to do it all over again for CBS.

The Wrap says that Marc Lawrence who wrote Miss Congeniality is writing the pilot right now. Douglas Wick and Lucy Fisher, who are responsible for that laxative of a movie, are producing the remake.

There's no need in screaming my ass lips off over this, because this is what Hollywood does and will continue to do until the earth's core finally blows up right after a remake of I Love Lucy starring Katherine Hagel is announced. Hollywood is always sticking their fingers down their froats to barf up remake after remake. A bunch of bulimics!

Besides, Bewitched never really had a place in the Tivo in my heart. The only thing I remember about Bewitched is trying to do Tabatha's coke nose twitch and thinking that Endora looked really hot on that plane wing. Speaking of, that "Endora lounging on a plane wing" thing would never happen today. The portal she uses to get to that wing now has a security checkpoint, and by the time the TSA finishes searching her ginger mop with a wand, Samantha's flight would be over.

And my only hope is that the producers bring the glory of Carrot Top to the masses by casting him as Endora.

The time has inevitably come for the shameless murderers of Hollywood to dig into your childhood and drag out Dirty Dancing to be butchered until it's nothing but a lifeless corpse covered in 3D effects and stuffed with a soundtrack by the Black Eyed Peas. Deadline is saying that Lionsgate has already given the thumbs up to the execution of Dirty Dancing and has hired the original movie's choreographer Kenny Ortega as director. Kenny is responsible for that High School Musical mess and was supposed to direct the Footloose remake but pulled out after Zac Efron pulled out. Here's the press release from Deadline that Lionsgate etched into Dirty Dancing's tombstone:

The new film is a celebration of one of the most beloved movies of all time. Paying tribute to the emotional excitement of first love, the thrills and complexity of sexual awakening, the soul stirring power of dance, and the classic tale of teenage Baby’s forbidden romance with Johnny Castle, the remake will incorporate classic songs from the 1960s, hits from the original film and brand new compositions.

“Amazingly it has been almost 25 years since the original film was released, but the fans remain legion, and engaged more than ever with a brand that is special and vital to them. We believe that the timing couldn’t be better to modernize this story on the big screen, and we are proud to have Kenny Ortega at the helm.” said Drake.

Since Kenny Ortega pretty much licks up the drops of bronzer that drips off of Zac Efron's glazed hole, it goes without saying that he's going to cast the pretty pretty princess as Johnny Castle. I think I just felt Patrick Swayze pirouette in his grave. Then Kenny's going to cast Justin Bieber as Baby, Blake Lively as my favorite Penny and Demi Lovato as Lisa Houseman. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Will somebody please put Kenny Ortega in the corner!