Dancing With The Has-Beens

Never mind that Cher had John Travolta's Battlefield Earth wig on top of her head, I think my heart burped out a warm feeling last night when her eyes got covered with a shiny layer of pride after watching Chaz Bono twist his shit to the Rocky theme song on Dancing with the Stars. It's the same look I made when I read that there's an IHOP in the East Village now. Cher's got that Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity twinkle in her eye.

Cher beaming with pride through her face reminds me of the time that my mom gave me a "good job" hug after my 3rd grade recorder recital even though I stopped blowing halfway (insert your "how times have changed" joke here) and sat my quitting ass down. Just proud as all shit to see their child up there. Chaz and Lacey Schwimmer get an A for effort and they also get a very special A for delivering one of the messiest performances of the night. It was like watching a Fourth of July-themed Scion commercial starring those dancing hamsters.

I don't care if reading one of Cher's Tweets makes me feel like a blind person trying to read Braille written in chewed-up dot candies, when I uncross my eyes and finally see what she's trying to say it makes my everything. Picturing Cher in her don't fuck with me boots spiking Kim Kartrashian in the triple dirty diaper ass up and down the 405 freeway is a dollop of whipped everything on top of my everything.

When the Kardashian's "fans" (aka Pimp Mama Kris and Baby Mason working overtime in the Kardashian Kommand Kenter) questioned Cher's Tweets, she backpedaled a little, but it was too late. Cher has spoken and she got it right the first time! Kick those bitches down the freeway (which probably looks a lot like throwing a hot dog down a hallway).

And if you're wondering what Cher's child was up to last night, here he is swaying his polyester-slather fupa with Lacey Schwimmer who looked like Donatella Versace looking into a fun house mirror after my 6th grade Antarctica diorama project (featuring sea foam, seals and albatrosses galore) exploded on her. If you told me that Chaz Rumbas as good as Cher operates a keyboard, I wouldn't call you a lie teller.

via Jezebel

By now you've probably already pulled out your eyeballs with rusty pliers, marinated them in a pot full of boiling chloroform and shoved them back into your sockets just so you can send a roll of duct tape to the Dancing with the Stars Costume Department Attention: Nancy Grace's Nipple Handler (aka Satan). But coming to Dlisted proves that you hate yourself so you might as well fully hate yourself by getting a second serving of Nancy's NSFW succulent titty pepperoni.

It was only a matter of time before "Nancy Grace nip slip" became the #1 search term on AOL in the ninth circle (Yes, in the ninth circle they only have dial-up AOL with NO SECOND PHONE LINE). Last week, Nancy's chichis were jumping around like her sanity cell trying to find the door marked "Exit" in her brain. It was bound to happen. Nancy's dance partner is a hot piece in every way so you really can't blame her chichis for popping a boner of sorts.

But seriously, Nancy's peek-a-boo nipple plate was a win for three reasons: a) The West Coast cutaway shot of the NOT AMUSED audience members was the perfect response to Nancy's slippery nipple. b) A Nancy Grace nip slip is like a "Who's the sexy bitch now?" wink at Casey Anthony. c) Dancing with the Stars definitely needs more nipple slips (I'm looking at you, Tom Berg). It should really just be Nip Slipping with the Stars.

Here's Nancy doing the Quickstep as her nipple did the Quickjump:

And Nancy's nip might've been the breakout (literally) star of the night, but the runner-up was definitely the hot lady on Tom B's right who got some much-needed camera time before J.R. Martinez's dance:

Must've been hypnotized (or temporarily blinded) by the nipples in the air.

(Thanks Travis!)

The devil was dancing last night! Literally.

Nancy Grace's daughter, that precious little angel who is already an expert at perfect timing, joined America in giving her mother's TV dance debut two boogers, a nostril hair and a wet finger. Shut down the voting lines, because I can say with complete confidence that Nancy Grace's daughter picks for all of us now. Actually, I take that back. If Nancy's daughter pulls out a juicy hairy dingle, the judges might think that means all her votes go to Nancy.

Slutty Floridian murderesses went wild last night, because the one Luciferling who always has one eye on them had to look away for a minute to seduce the audience at Dancing with the Stars. It was the moment that millions of genitals passed out without help from a chloroform cloth.

The opening package where Nancy Grace swirled her humongous tits around like she was stirring an imaginary witch's cauldron with them was so terrifying that I hope Casey Anthony sees it every time she pulls her eyelids down. And then when Nancy Grace dragged her chichis of destruction out from behind that desk, she looked like Thomas the Tank in Eddie Izzard drag. Like a bewigged Hulk on happy gas.

You know, Nancy does have some rhythm and the Satanic sparkle in her eye told me she was having fun. But that's probably because she used her powers of imagination (and you know she has one of those) to pretend that the dance floor was Casey Anthony's grave.

I give Nancy's performance three mucous drops from her daughter's nose.

Then there was Chaz Bono!

Before the show even started, some "inside source types" whispered around that Chaz's skills were going to make Kate Gosselin look like the spirit of Ginger Rogers slithered up into her asshole to dissolve the stick up there and take over. But Chaz wasn't that bad. As one of my friends said, Chaz dances like Grimace and looks like fat John Goodman in Death of a Salesman, but I was expecting a stiff ball whose out-of-breath wheezes had more rhythm than his moves.

I give Chaz one corroded nugget and a wet hair from Nancy's daughter's nose.

As for which trick will be voted off and melted down into the oil used to run that robot Brooke Burke, do you even have to ask?

I'm surprised George Clooney didn't drop this womp womp trick a long time ago. With the sad way she tries to move her hips, you can tell she's a flop at the strap-on helm.

If this doesn't give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don't know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery's asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's wedding. There's more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.

And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn't know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy's chest. Either way, it's a win for the rest of us.

Here's the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym "Siamese Cat" Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).

In case you haven't heard, the bigoted crazies slithered out of their own asses and freaked out all over Facebook, message boards and ABC's site over Chaz Bono joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Their argument is that DWTS is a family friendly show (nip slips and all) and is no place for the "LGBT agenda." Little do they know that if you removed the L,G,B and T from Dancing with the Stars, you'd have Shuffleboard with the Stars and they'd only wear polo shirts and sloppy ponytails.

They don't seem to mind that the mutated clown monster who was made from Lucifer's toe jam (see: Nancy Grace) is in the cast, but they're clutching their crucifixes over Chaz Bono. Okay. Buzzfeed has the worst of the worst reactions if that's what you need to see today and below is my personal favorite from Memaw Carol:

OMG - did you hear that Chaz Bono (Sonney & chers) daughter, turned man will be one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars? Hope he doesn't get a hard on from dancing with his female partner. I hope this message doesn't go to Hollywood! I hope it isn't censored. OMG ...I can't believe I even said this. WHAT the hell, did they attached a dead mans "U know what to this freak"?

Oh, Carol. For someone who thinks she knows a lot about what's going on in Chaz Bono's down below parts, I would think you'd know that he hasn't had a "dead man's U know what" attached to his body yet. But I have a feeling that when you weren't looking somebody attached a dead man's anus over your mouth since what's coming out of it is nothing but tired, old, dusty, grave dirt shit. Maybe you should look into that. And after you do, let's get together to sip tea while we watch for swaying boners on DWTS. I know that's the real reason you watch that shit, Carol. You dirty little filthy bird watcher. Get it while you can, ole' girl!

Chaz Bono's mother Cher also jumped to her son's defense and asked her to Twatter followers to show their support for him:

lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it

I support him no matter what he chooses 2do! God! will there always be haters! It took COURAGE 2 do dwts ! TG Chaz has an Unlimited supply 

Can u guys check out sites & give him your support ? BTW ...Mothers don't stop Getting angry with stupid bigots who fk with their children !

It's times like these that I forgive Cher for typing like a 12-year-old me in an AOL chat room.

The producers of Dancing with the Stars apparently made a vow to only cast real stars from now on instead of thirsty bottom of the barrel whores looking for a quick check and a spotlight to fuck, and they totally accomplished that with the new cast! And by "totally" I mean "didn't." This mess of a list reads like the cast list for the straight-to-DVD sequel to Shark Night 3D. But I will say that Que Cat only jumped in my head once during the announcement and it was when the name "Hope Solo" came up. I mean, Hope Solo is a female athlete. Like I'm going to know that bitch. I only recognize athletes by their bulge. Anyway, here's the entire list of hos who will scoot their asses across the dance floor for some relevancy and a Dollar Tree trophy:

Nancy Grace - The spirit of a rabid hyena who took over a shaved bull dog's body and now devotes all her time to trying to eat the dead soul of Casey Anthony while making Joel McHale's nipples burn.
Chaz Bono - A magical being that came out of Cher's vagina. The end.
Elisabetta Canalis - Italian coke whore turned George Clooney's strap-on handler of choice turned dumped bitch.
Carson Kressley - The test tube baby of Cojo and Ellen Degeneres.
Rob Kardashian - The mutation of one of Khloe Kardashian's old nutsacks.
Chynna Phillips - My third favorite member of Wilson Phillips and Billy Baldwin's on-and-off again wife.
JR Martinez - Iraqi war veteran turned soap star.
Ricki Lake - The winner of this shit, obviously.
Ron Artest (aka Metta World Peace) - An L.A. Laker and an L.A. crazy
Kristin Calamaris - The blonde trick the producers of DWTS happened to pull out after they threw all of The Hills hos into a paper bag and shook it up.
Hope Solo - Han Solo's long-lost daughter and some girl who plays a sport that involves a ball.
David Arquette - A mess.

There is just so much crazy here (see: Metta World Peace, David Arquette, Nancy Grace...) that Vh1 has their cast for Celebrity Code 5150.

I can't wait until David Arquette and Elisabetta Canalis both get kicked off for missing their cues because they were too busy doing lines off of each other's nipple plates in the bathroom. I also can't wait until Nancy Grace foxtrots to Lindsay Lohan's Rumors while wearing hot pants and a Miller Lite t-shirt. But I really can't wait until the producers seat Case Anthony in Nancy Grace's cheering section which will cause her head to shoot through the studio ceiling, fly all the way to Florida and land on the front yard of Casey's hideaway to live there as a permanent lawn decoration forever. I already give that a ten.

via People

For the second week in a row, Kirstie Alley's Dancing with the Thetans' performance went about as smooth as John Travolta's yearly prostate exam. Kirstie crushed her Thetans last week when she hit the floor after Maksim's leg muscle quit that shit, and last night her shoe came off halfway through her waltz to the Bellagio water fountain song. Someone is trying to ruin, Kristie! (Cut to George Lopez and Xenu filling the foot of their Kirstie Alley voodoo doll with kitchen sink lard so that it swells up and pops her shoe off).

Kirstie gracefully glided out onto the stage like Ursula trying to seduce Ariel's voice out of her froat, grabbed onto Maks (who was dressed like a bus boy at Knott's Berry Farm's finest restaurant) and sprinkled the dance floor with the magical powdered sugar that flies off of her feet. Kristie then slid onto the floor and I thought she was going to pull a Slim Jim out of her shoe or some shit. But Kirstie's strap refused to cooperate and she quickly tried to fix that mess before her next move. Who ever is in charge of welding that shoe to Kirstie's foot is totally out of a job this morning.

Kirstie picked up and continued without anymore issues. The judges gave her 22 out of 30. Afterward, Kirstie joked to UsWeekly that someone is trying to Showgirls her:

"I think it's a conspiracy! I think the other girls cut my shoe!

I don't know if I handled it well or not well! When your shoe comes off, you either put it back on or you take it off, one or the other.

But seriously, I don't want to be that girl! I want to win. And I want to win by being the best! I got an 8 -- but I can't help but think if I did the dance correctly, we could have gotten some 9s. I really do want to be a good dancer and I'm working on it.

I don't want to become the mercy fuck. I want people to vote for me because I'm good. I really do!"

Kirstie could come out on stage in a Nazi uniform and tear a picture of the patron saint of everything Bea Arthur before making out with Chris Brown on the slaughtered carcass of a baby unicorn, and she'd still win the night. Kirstie is going to take this shit. Something tells me that the Scientology audits now involve calling the DWTS voting line and pressing #8 for Kirstie.

It happened last night! After all the "Maks better get a Kryptonite spine transplant and wear a weight lift cummerbund" jokes, it really happened. After Kirstie Alley told a sad story about how she got her big break at the same time her mother was killed by a drunk driver, she sashayed out onto the dance floor to twist her ham hocks to a ukelele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." A few seconds into their routine, her partner Maks Chmerkovskiy started cringing in his face and then dropped Kirstie faster than Tommy Girl drops Katie Holmes' hand when the cameras aren't around. You couldn't hear the boom when Kirstie hit the floor, because it was deafened by Xenu cackling on top of his volcano. Thetans failed her now!

As the muscles in Maks' legs refused to de-erect themselves, he shook it off and the two continued to RUMBA FOR THEIR LIVES!!! The fall might've worked in Kirstie's favor, because the judges gave her a 21 out of 30, 1 point higher than last week.

Kirstie's head is filled with the kind of craziness that is only developed from sniffing John Travolta's old ass juices marinating on the benches in the Scientology community sauna, but she's really damn likable on this mess of a shit show. And she can move. So if anything, this fall is going to get her even more votes. As soon as that ho's ass sucked the floor, I just knew half of the viewers picked up their phones. Wendy Williams better stage an accidental wig snatching next week if she wants to stay in the game.

On Good Morning America today, Maks apologized and then said he simply got a charley horse. Nothing broke, nothing tore. Kirstie brushed off the fall and showed love for Marks on Twitter:

I salute u... U r a gladiator .... A champion... I'm honored to be your partner

Thank u all for your support and your votes.... Sort of a beauty in Live TV... Because it's live... Anything can happen... gotta love it!!!!

Meanwhile, TBS probably put a padlock on George Lopez's tongue, because you just know a "cow tipping" joke is sitting on the edge waiting to jump.

Why in swole hooves hell did Wendy Williams Tweet this picture from the set of Dancing with the Stars today? And why in the name of an Epsom salt baptism did TMZ repeat it on their site? But more importantly, why am I destroying your foot fetish by posting it here? Because I'm dragging you down into the WHY?!!! abyss with me.

But serious talk, should I be jealous of Wendy because she can fuck somebody with her extra plump boil and teabag a trick with her foot?

Wendy should at least dress it up a bit by sprinkling a little bit of powdered sugar on top. Then instead of looking like the inflamed gonad of a chupacabra, it would look like a delicious beignet! A delicious beignet that Kirstie Alley may or may not gnaw off when Wendy takes a nap. Problem solved!