Farts & Queefs
Judging by the "It's seeping through my scarf, you nasty motherfucker" side-eye that Mila Kunis is throwing at Ashton Kutcher, it was totally him and it totally reeked like 5-day-old enema water and vinegar. Yes, so that's why Demi Moore starts screaming, "WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE ME? WHY????!", halfway through her weekly coochie and culo colonic.
Mila Kunis is in Rome, Italy shooting some movie called Third Person and her latest bad decision Ashton Kutcher is there with her ass. Mila and Ashton have been spending their time in Rome looking miserable, eating, looking miserable, eating, look miserable and eating. People says they went to a restaurant on Sunday night and I don't know how People did it, but they managed to get a hold of the EXCLUSIVE details of Mila and Ashton's meal. Forget Elmo's demise, The New York Times should be covering this instead:
At dinner, the pair ordered a number of the restaurant's specialties, including Parma ham crudo and mozzarella, eggplant parmigiana, mini beef sliders, pasta with chickpeas, a salad with marinated anchovies and much more. They also saved room for dessert: a thousand layer pastry with cream and fresh berries. And the couple washed down their meal with a bottle of red wine.
Oh okay, add "and a hint of marinated anchovies" to my description of Ashton's butt queef smell.
Your eyeballs can thank the blonde in the background for rolling her eyes so they don't have to. Give your eyeballs the day off, they deserve it.
Here's Xtina making sight balls do the wave while sitting courtside with her paid piece Matthew Rutever and Christina Milian at the Lakers game in L.A. last night. In all seriousness, Xtina usually looks like a Snooki and Hatchet Face drunk swirl, so besides the Count Chocula ass brows, the Hamburglar ass shirt, the Fritos Chili Cheese ass skin and the skid mark ass blush, she looks good! Did I miss anything?
OMG, pleeeease let this be true!! According to TMZ, an ex Kardashian nanny is currently shopping around a tell-all book about her years
in hell in the Jenner/Kartrashian household. She reportedly dishes on the boys, Brandon Jenner and whats-his-name (that other Dancing with SARS one), and talks about what rude entitled brats they are. She goes on to talk shit about the girls, and I hope she spills details juicier than Kim's XXXXL ass.
Hopefully, she won't cover all the old angles we already know and hate them for, such as the sex tape, underage pole dancing, Pimp Mama Kris's infidelity, Scott's womanizer serial killer face and their general knack for making money off of being no-talent slags. I want some new dirt dammit, like Khloe shaves with sheep shears and Kim cries her mascara off every night (looks like this) because she blew it with Reggie for leaking her dirty ho ass-gulping tape with Ray J.
Some people may knock her for violating common decency and her contract of silence, but I'm on team MAKE THAT MONEY GIRLFRIEND. I mean, WWKKD? Exactly.
Thank you PSL!!
Some hos who really know me know that nothing takes me higher like a highly important story about butt burps, so a few emails with the subject "WHOOPI JUST FARTED ON THE VIEW" farted their way into my inbox after I watched Whoopee ALLEGEDLY let out a loud air kiss through her asshole. But I need to see receipts! Unless Whoopi's got a mic clipped to her anus lips (very possible) or her butt boom traveled all the way to her mic, I don't think we'd able to hear her fart that clearly. It looks to me like Whoopi was about to ask Claire Danes a question when her lips got twisted and made a BRAARRGHGHGH noise. Then Whoopi played it off like it came out of her ass. The View's spokeswhore said that it was just joke and Whoopi only pretended it came from her. How low can Whoopi go?! Bitch is asslip-synching now? If we can't trust Whoopi to give us an authentic fart, how can we trust her at all?
That said, that fart-like sound was way more interesting than anything that has come out of Elisabeth Hasselcrack's mouth, so they should just play that sound every time she talks.
And if you need me, I'll be making room on my living room shelf for all the Pulitzer Prizes I'm going to get for this post. More like Pullmyfingeritzer Prizes.
We might have finally found the one thing that can break George Clooney's anti-marriage vow and not surprisingly it's farts! They say a way to George Clooney's heart is through farts and they're right. George Clooney loves farts. George Clooney could kiss a fart. George Clooney could suck a fart out of a fart's fart hole. George Clooney could sit next to a fart in a restaurant booth. George Clooney could marry a fart if a fart knew how to fart out the word "yes." George Clooney could give a fart a key to his Lake Coma villa. Every time a butt farts, a George Clooney laughs. That's how much George Clooney loves farts.
In an interview with Rolling Stone, George shared his love of the other queef and also talked about how he lost his virginity at 16 and once had underage sex with a rope (cut to Jerry Sandusky praying to come back as a rope in his next life). The fart usually comes at the end of the meal so I'll save that quote for last.
On people not seeing The Ides of March: "It's not designed for everybody to see, but I don't give a shit. I don't need to be more famous and we shot it for $12 million, so anything we do is nice."
On having dry sex with a rope: "I believe it was while climbing a rope when I was six or seven years old. I mean, nothing came out, but all the other elements were there. I remember getting to the top of the rope, hanging off the rope, and going, 'Oh, my God, this feels great!'"
On Stacy Keibler's Tweeting: "She can do whatever she wants. I rarely tell anybody what they should be doing with their life."
On his favorite thing on earth, the anus exhale: "We think it's one of the funniest things in the history of mankind. Even the idea of a fart makes me laugh. Saying the word 'fart' makes me laugh. I have iFart on my phone. I have remote whoopee cushions. Farts. To me, there's nothing funnier."
Well, it's nice to know that you can always count on George Clooney for a laugh when he fucks a fart out of you. That really is the worst. Nothing kills the mood like a laugh brought on by a sex fart. We all love to let out a HAHA over a good fart, but please have some decorum and keep your laugh to yourself when your piece lets one go as your genitals do the Dougie on theirs. We're all adults here and adults stay in character after any kind of mid-fuck fart. Don't break the fart wall by laughing, because it's pretty much impossible to recover from that. Grow up, George!
Here's a clip from Monday night's Dancing with Nancy Grace's Personal Pan Nipple of someone's body part making a noise. Either a bitch's stomach let out a feeding time howl or a bitch's butt let out a pooping time howl. The fart (or low-octave queef, or whatever that was) in question sounds it's coming from Nancy, but she has already told TMZ that it wasn't her, her partner or Brooke who is physically incapable of making a fart unless she's instructed to do so on a teleprompter. I believe Nancy. Nancy gets paid top fucking dollar to blow bubbles of shit air out of her mouth on her HLN show every night, why would she do it for free when she's off the clock? It was just the sound of the demon that lives in her body and operates her soul letting out a looooong ass burp.
Jack Vale's whole act is to annoy an eye roll out of strangers in public places by fake farting around them or talking G-rated Charlie Sheenese to them. On any given day, you can find Jack Vale making a staged fartney in the face of a woman on a scooter in an aisle at Target. That's his thing. Normally, the fartee responds by laughing and/or throwing Jack a "you cochino ass bitch" look. But shit got serious the other day when the fartee's old man defended his wife woman by laying two punches into Jack's face. You know, farts are always funny to me. Even fake ones. What's as equally as funny to me is a hillbilly Santa Claus jumping up from his motorized sleigh to whoop a trick with pepaw fists of fury! It's a win/win.
This is also a win because ole' dude magically jumps up from his scooter and starts walking. It's a miracle, pa! It's a miracle, pa! Who ever said farts don't do miracles was telling lies.
File this under: THE STORY OF THE YEAR! Jay Kay of Jamiroquai and Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols were sitting next to each other in business class on a flight to Australia when shit went down. Or should I say, when shit went out in cloud form. Jay Kay tells The Sun that the foul, dirty, disgusting, throat-choking, lash-singe-ing farts that came out of Johnny Rotten made the oxygen masks shake and the flight attendants stick their heads out of the emergency door for fresh air. According to Jay Kay, Johnny Rotten's a-hole basically bombed out a terrorist threat.
"He is a fucking nuisance. I was seated next to him on a flight and the whole trip he just kept farting. It was totally foul.
He kept saying, 'Oh, that wasn't me' or, 'The meal smells a bit off, don't you think?' He drove me insane."
Jay Kay says that he would rather endure the torture of coach than breathe in Johnny Rotten's butt sneezes again:
"At least I'd be able to breathe a bit. They banned smoking in the air and they should ban farting."
What does Jay Kay expect Johnny Rotten to smell like? Bunnies made from gardenias bouncing around in baby powder?! It's Johnny Rotten! I'd file a complaint if he didn't inflate the under seat life vests with his farts. I really hope that Johnny Rotten's gas follows Jay Kay around for the rest of his days, because bitch is funny when he gets angry over farts.
Finally, a tabloid out there has given us a real Brangelina story to care about. The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) can take the rest of the month off and alert the Pulitzer Prize committee to stop the search for this year's winners, because nothing will top this. The final nail in Brangie's coffin isn't going to be made of the spit from the 187th baby she adopts. No, it's going to be made of Brad Pitt's artichoke farts. Farts will tear us apart!
A source (aka Jennifer Aniston's cat nanny with a voice box) claims that Brad Pitt's new thing is marinating artichokes into vodka for an evening martini (fartini, is more like it). Apparently, the artichokes summon a little rumble down below which causes his butt to burp like a newborn baby. Brad's caca clouds are not only ripping his panties apart, but they are also ripping apart Angie's sanity. The source went on to say “Brad gets some nasty gas from consuming so many artichokes, and it’s driving poor Angelina crazy. It’s gotten so bad that Angie sometimes sleeps in a separate bedroom!”
Who knew that Brad Pitt actually farts. And who also knew that St. Angie's holy nostrils don't filter out anything that smells stank. This is an education in so many ways.
And you know he dutch ovens her....
Where was Bobby Brown's expert doody bubble poppin' finger when Wino really needed him, because last night in London she was sticking her elbow-ey ass out like she was trying to woo a jar of Fleet.
After watching The Libertines reunion show, Wino gave the paparazzi an entire photo spread for Playboy's Constipated Beauties of London issue (don't put it past Hef) in the doorway of a hotel. I might be high from the 100 proof fumes jumping off these pictures, but I actually think she looks good here. But then again, the ass poppin' (replace the first "p" with an "o" if you want to go all the way) and "I Can Haz BM?" poses might be distracting me.