Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Wouldn't you think that Mildred Baena had her pick of nearly every journalist and reporter for her first interview? Mildred could've commanded mah boo Anderson Cooper to get topless and do the entire interview while pinching his areola as though the questions were coming from his nipple slits and the thought of record-breaking ratings would've forced him to do so. (I will never forgive THAT BITCH Mildred for not taking advantage of that opportunity.)

But Mildred chose to speak for the first time to the UK's Hello! magazine. Most hos choose to give their exclusive story to Hello! magazine, because they really want to say Hello! to a six-figure check. However, Mildred resembles resents that statement and her lawyer tells TMZ that she wasn't paid a dollar for her story. Mildred just wanted to tell the real truth about how she and Arnold tried to further positive relations between Guatemala and Austria by bareback boning each other. Here's what her lawyer said:

"Mildred was tired of people selling their lies to the media or claiming to speak for her when they do not ... She gave the interview in order to set the record straight once and for all.

All she wanted to do was put the lies and rumors to rest. And we believe that she has done that through this interview."

Apparently, the freelance reporter who spoke to Mildred and gave the story to Hello! is friendly with her lawyer.

Up until yesterday, not many people knew what Mildred and Arnold's son really looked like since most of the media blurred his face out. So that leads me to the question: What kind of stupido madre whores out her son's face for free?!!!!!!?

The pain that throbbed in the hearts of fellow child pimps Kris Jenner, White Oprah and Joe Jackson after reading this hurtful news is strong enough to power a slap machine to hit Mildred in her dumb face over and over again. And she deserves it! If you're going to kill your son's privacy at least do it while wearing a hot outfit you bought with your blood money. A shame!

The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger's secret love child finally broke her silence and it looks like the gold bar Hello! magazine handed her was big enough to do it. The Guatemalan temptress Mildren Baena gave her first interview to Hell-o! and also served up some serious come hither pose game next to her and Arnold's son Joseph. But before we get into the interview, is it just me or does Mildred look like Priscilla Allen meets La Bruja meets Joker Cat? Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

Mildred always knew that her boss was Joseph's biological father, but she kept it a secret from Arnold.

"It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered – but It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

When the other maids started whispering about how much Joseph looked like the Guatemalan Schwarzenegger, Maria started to raise her Detective La Toya magnifying glass and ask questions.

“I’m here if you need to talk. I sensed something was up. I have so much love and respect for Maria. Finally, she asked point blank. She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

More like Maria said, "Get off your knees, trollop! I ain't my husband."

As for Joseph, he shrugged off the news that he's part Schwarzenegger and said it was "cool" when his grandmother told him.

And maybe it's just bitch's checking account talking, but Mildred said that she hopes Maria and Arnold stay together.

“He’s a good man and I know he’s suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out.”

You know after reading the "love and respect" part, I'm beginning to think that Mildred and I are cut from the same dirty cum cloth. Because when I love and respect a ho, I always let her man dick drill me raw on her bed while I fold her panties which I washed. And as a dirty cum cloth brother, I have to let Mildred know that her eyebrow situation is more of a disaster than Conan the Destroyer.

Pietro Beccari, the vice president of Louis Vuitton, released this image of St. Angie Jo in their "Core Values" campaign and said that this ad is the truth since she doesn't have any make-up on her face, is wearing her own clothes, is carrying her own 6-year-old bag and posed in Maddox's native country of Cambodia. Yes, Angie is supposed to be SANS FARDS in this mess. Yes, Pietro is pulling all of our dicks with the make-up Angie is not wearing in these ads.

No, no, Pietra is telling the truth. Angie was naturally born with smoky eyelids and she covers them up every day with veiny skin putty so us uglies don't feel bad about ourselves while staring at her organically stunning beauty. That Angie, such a saint in every way. Pietra continued his comedy act by saying this to WWD:

“People are not used to seeing Angelina in this situation. I like the fact that it’s a real moment. This travel message we give through personal journeys is a fundamental one for the brand. This campaign is about a very special person and a very special journey.

The picture was taken on a green marsh in Cambodia's Siem Reap province, where St. Angie remains active in community development.

A real moment? Pietro really knows how to hug me in a blanket of HAHAHAHAs. When Angie's wooden boat docks in the Siem Reap province, she sits there for a second, flexing her perfectly manicured toes while throwing sultry "make-up free" looks at the local orphans who are like, "Stop mugging and adopt me already!"

You can't tell from this picture but Maddox is sitting in that bag while giving Angie a "you ain't fooling anyone with that SANS FARDS shit" side-eye.

Maybe she's born with it? Maybe it's Photoshop!

When Botox Mom turned out to be Hoax Mom, I figured it was only a matter of time before other shameless moms started flashing their fuckery under the brightest street lamp on the ho stroll. Well, it didn't take long. 50-year-old Sarah Burge (aka The Human Barbie) bragged to Closer Magazine that for her daughter Poppy's 7th birthday, she got her a computer, a spa vacation, a crystal ring and a voucher for her to get a tit job when she turns 16. This shouldn't come as a shock since The Human Barbie openly bragged to the tabloids last year about how she teaches Poppy how to work the stripper pole. Yes, Kris Jenner you have found your spirit animal in Cambridgeshire, England. Run to her.

Wayland Flowers Ghost stuck his hand up The Human Barbie's ass and got her to say, "Poppy begged me for a boob job, so I gave her the voucher so she can have it after she's 16, when it's legal. If she develops naturally big boobs, she can have something else done with it. Some people think it's controversial and I get angry when strangers say I'm a bad mother because I don't think there's any harm in giving her this gift. Poppy is a normal kid who is good at sports and loves playing outside. Girls don't want Snow White and Cinderella any more. They want to be WAGs and famous like Cheryl Cole and Lady Gaga. I'm just supporting her and making her dreams come true."

Poppy told Closer that all her friends are jealous and she really can't wait to get Hefty bags full of silicone stuffed into her chest like her mom!

The Human Barbie, who makes her cash from writing erotic, throwing swingers parties and murdering her daughter's childhood for a tabloid check, has spent over $100,000 on plastic surgery to look like Barbie. Yes, Barbie. Bitch looks more like a warped Stanley Ipkiss doll in Blaine's weave and Moxie's dress, but I guess that's close enough for her.

I wouldn't say you were lying if you said The Human Barbie is a monstrous mound of dead flesh who shouldn't be in charge of raising an old breast implant, but come on. A voucher? Really? Poppy should've told The Human Barbie the same thing my mom told me when I gave her a "free car wash" voucher for Mother's Day one year: "You spent all your allowance money on Pop Rocks and Wuzzles, right?"

This Madam looking creature only got her daughter a tit voucher so that the tabloids and stupid blogs like this one can give her some attention. A voucher ain't worth shit. But Poppy should still hold on to that voucher and use it when she's 16 to get a face transplant surgery so nobody will ever know that she's related to The Human Barbie.

And part of me thinks this is just a performance art PSA produced by Child Protective Services.

via Daily Mail

If your "Paris Hilton is an Arrogant Asshole" tank needs refueling, then line it with a filter made of Valtrex pills and open up because this shit will fill you up and then some.

So, the first episode of Parasite Hilton's Oxygen reality show The World According To Paris (T.W.A.T. Pee) was watched by less people than she's given hand jobs to in the VIP section of Tao. Specifically, around 400,000 pairs of eyes watched a useless skank show us not-so-new ways on how she's useless. On a positive note, the new saying is "...suck harder than Paris Hilton's ratings" instead of "...suck harder than Paris Hilton on any given day."

Wonky, of course, is not taking any responsibility for the fact that her show tanked. Kathy Hilton plugged that mess harder than (you know what I'm going to write so just insert it here) on The View the other day and she also said that not a lot of people knew when she show came on. Well, Wonky is using that excuse for why her show is sucking the air out of Oxygen. A source tells Popeater:

"Paris is furious that the show didn't premiere at the time it was supposed to. "She worked her tail off doing promotion and publicity for the show and then because of a technical mistake, the show aired at a completely different time in a lot of markets.

This could be the last nail in the coffin. She has been replaced by Teen Moms and Snooki. She would have been better off not doing a new reality show at all then doing one that proves no one cares."

A rep for Oxygen said that there were zero technical mistakes and the show premiered at 10pm on June 1st like it was supposed to.

If Oxygen marketed T.W.A.T. Pee for what it really is, Wonky's quick demise from the face of relevancy, maybe more hos would've watched it to see that trick go down in real time. But really, I'll tell Wonky the same thing Cristal Conners said to Nomi in Showgirls: "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you." Or in Wonky's case, there's always someone messier and whorier stumbling down the stairs after you (see: Snooki).

Above is Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian demonstrating the "dick to belly button" pose for their upcoming book Kima Kardashian Sutra. Speaking of wrong things, Kim has kreated khaos in the Kardashian kastle by telling people that she will take Kris Humphries' last name after she marries him in two months. Kim Kardashian is about to become Kim Humphries, which makes zero sense since Kim never humps for free. (Kim's ass ate the GONG, so you can't get me this time.)

A source tells TMZ that Kim is telling everybody she's going to defy the laws of the Kardashian oath by erasing the Kardashian from her full name. This move will probably melt the Botox in Pimp Mama Kris Kardashian's face, because she recently said this to Popeater: "I don’t think she should take his name and be Kim Humphries ... She needs to be Kim Kardashian because she’s worked so hard to get where she is.”

Oh, Mama Kris.... You left out a few words in there. Delusion got your tongue again, so let me help you out. "She needs to be Kim Kardashian because she's worked a hard dick to get where she is." There, now we're all making sense.

As for Kim becoming Kim Humphries, it's not right. All of her attention whoring powers come from that last name. It's like taking lucite from Shauna Sand. It's illegal and it's wrong. Making fun of a painted rubber oven mitt named Kim Humphries is not the same. Why can't Kris Humphries just make the devil cackle louder by taking her last name? The world is already a terrible place, so we might as well make it even more terrible by adding another Kris Kardashian.

I've always said that if your nekkid ass nekkid pictures are scattered around the Internet and you're not into it, you either pull a Cassie by saying "It's just a titty!" or you deny like it's your job. You blame nerdboys with advanced Photoshop skills or interns at Industrial Light & Magic. You say, "It wasn't me" until bitches get tired of rolling their eyes at you. You throw them off the scent of your smilin' snatch.

Well, after (NSFW) these pictures of a naked somebody who looks just like Blake Lively made the rounds tonight, her rep immediately called FAAAAAAAAAAAKE (the pictures and her tits, I think) to UsWeekly:

“The Photos of Blake Lively which have just surfaced on various websites including Perez Hilton and Zap2it are 100 percent fake.

Blake has never taken nude photos of herself. Blake will pursue legal action against the publication which initially published these photographs and any other outlets that republish them in any manner.”

That's right. Blake would never EVER get nipples out naked in front of a camera. NEVER. And if Blake did, she'd never leak those pictures onto the Internet. NEVER. And if she leaked those pictures onto the Internet, there's no way in hell she'd do it a week before her movie comes out. Nope. It's not her. Case closed.

P.S. - When I got an email with the subject "BLAKE NAKED," I was completely let down when it wasn't pictures of Blake Carrington.

Some say that LeAnn Rimes should use her fingers to scoop handfuls of milkshake into her mouth instead of using them to Twitter every millisecond of the day, but she's obviously ignoring that advice. LeAnn Tweeted this picture of herself from her honeymoon, which made one of her followers say that she was "scary skinny" and her hipbones were popping out. This was LeAnn's response:

those are called abs not bones love.

This is my body, and I can promise you I'm a healthy girl. I'm just lean. Thanks for your concern, but no need to be.

Thank you, LeAnn. I was unaware that abs could look like bones trying to escape your body so that they can run to the nearest hospital and get some nourishment by soaking in a bowl of Ensure. I did not know this! But she shouldn't think she's so special, because I have abs too, love! They're just modest abs and are always hiding under a cloud of bloat and fried cheese fat.

via UsWeekly

Amber Rose, the Susan Powter of rap star hos, went on a pound sign-ridden Twitter rant the other day over Vibe Magazine allegedly filling their cover story on her with lies and stuffing fake words into her mouth. Kanye West taught Amber well in the art of Twitter tantrums, because this bald headed ho released a spray of hash tag fucks directed at Vibe. Amber doesn't really specify as to which parts of Vibe's story charbroiled her asshole, but Animal New York thinks it might be this little piece.

The high-profile relationship took a turn in Hawaii during Kanye’s recording sessions for his cathartic fifth album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. West booked an entire Honolulu studio indefinitely for 24-hour slots while a cast of artists joined him for long days of business. Rose allegedly didn’t take to the all-work, no-play atmosphere. “In Hawaii [Amber] was being obnoxious in the studio like, ‘What the fuck? I wanna fucking eat,’” says an anonymous source. “Kanye got so mad because here he is trying to record and she keeps talking about, ‘Let’s go back to the house, I wanna fuck. We haven’t fucked in two days.’ I left the room for 10 minutes and when I came back he [told her], ‘Yo get the fuck up out of here!’ She left the room crying.

Amber shouldn't feel sad, mad or embarrassed about that mess since "Yo get the fuck up out of here" is the same thing Kanye quietly said to Taylor Swift before kidnapping the mic from her. It's also what Kanye says to humbleness anytime it tries to get on him. But Amber is still mad and this is what she blasted at Vibe.

Just read "my" interview in @VibeMagazine half of the story was untrue & ridiculous!

F##K that Cover F##K @VibeMagazine yall wrote a bunch of negative bullshit that I never said or did.

Yall don't give a fuck that I have a Mom & Family thats gonna read that fake ass shit I gave yall a truthful interview & Yall f##ked me.

I'm so sick of keeping my mouth shut I didn't ask for this life it was handed to me I was nothing but nice to everyone I spoke to @ Vibe

"I didn't ask for this life it was handed to me" really is a classic quote that Amber should tattoo into her ass crack. I would wrap Amber Rose in a giant "BITCH PLEASE" but that would be cruel. Amber has been through enough! Amber has no choice but to pay her barber bills by giving interviews for absolutely no reason and flashing her nalgas in the likes of King Magazine. Amber can't get a regular job, because there's a good chance (and by "good" I mean "no") she'll be recognized and mobbed! You think about this the next time Kanye hands you his peen. If you accept, you might have to live the rest of your life on the step below the Kardashians on the famewhore ladder.

May we all say a prayer over our Memorial Day hot dogs today for Amber Rose's struggles. It's hard being Amber Rose.

Judging by the picture above, the only role Lindsay Lohan can pull off in the remake of a Stephen King movie is the Gypsy father in Thinner, but that's not what she thinks. That's also not what Stephen King thinks either. Stephen made a bad decision when he said (or joked) that the idea of Lindsay Lohan as Carrie is making him go hmmmmm. Entertainment Weekly asked Stephen about MGM's plans for a Carrie remake and he said this:

“I’ve heard rumblings about a Carrie remake, as I have about The Stand and It. Who knows if it will happen? The real question is why, when the original was so good? I mean, not Casablanca, or anything, but a really good horror-suspense film, much better than the book. Piper Laurie really got her teeth into the bad-mom thing. Although Lindsay Lohan as Carrie White… hmmm. It would certainly be fun to cast. I guess I could get behind it if they turned the project over to one of the Davids: Lynch or Cronenberg.”

Since White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan dress up as Carrie every Friday night to pour a bucket of pig's blood (aka Bloody Marys) into their mouth holes, she thinks she's perfect for this. A source tells TMZ that LiLo is "stoked" and used the word "epic" to describe the possibility of working with Stephen King.

Both Lindsay Lohan and Stephen King are forgetting one little important piece of information: CARRIE IS IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL! If in the remake, Carrie has that Benjamin Button's shit, then Lindsay Lohan would be perfect. She would also be perfect if MGM plans to meld Carrie with Strangers with Candy. Strangers with Carrie, now that's some shit I want to see.

Here's LiLo working her natural beauty in a photo shoot in Miami and later sunning her natural beauty by the pool.