Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

If I lived in a house, I too would have an exquisitely tacky bootleg statue of Michelangelo's David in my front yard, because I believe that one should get all of their landscape ideas from Norwood Young. But the residents of Lollipop Lane (I can't) in Abilene, Texas do not agree with me, because they are throwing up their hands and calling the local news over a rock hard dick decoration that is tainting their children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These complainers must piss through a tiny hole in their taints and only use their genitals for hardcore fucking, because they think a statue of a naked dude is forcing them to talk to their children about sex. One stone peen hater said, "What can you tell a child when you haven't talked to them about sex yet?" Hmmm. Well, I'm no child psychologist, but I supposed if they ask what thing on David is you could say, "It's a penis." But maybe the word "penis" will cause their ears to fall off and crawl into the bowels of hell to be devoured by Satan's minions. Or they could just tell their children it's a fat worm nibbling on a pair of figs.

But seriously, there's only one way to solve this. The neighbor should get himself a naked cherub statue to place below David. Then the neighbor should turn David into a fountain and make it so that he's pissing onto a cherub's nalgas. That will definitely teach the children that penises are for pissing and not for any sex stuff. CRISIS AVERTED!

By the way, can somebody give me directions to the Doggone Museum, because you know how much I love KITTENS!!! (I'm guessing all dogs are gone from that museum. Yes, I'll hand you the GONG on my way out.)

(Thanks to Bradley M for sending this in!)

Before sentencing Lindsay Lohan to 14 days in her own living room today, Judge Stephanie Sautner said that she doesn't think the little ginger cokehead is a cokehead at all. Judge Stephanie thinks that deep under her fried freckled skin, she's got issues that she's trying to control by self medicating (story of all our lives). Basically, it was Judge Stephanie's professional way of saying that her parents are a pair of toxic balls of shit. But LiLo's probation officer disagrees with Judge Stephanie's diagnosis and wrote in his report that she is definitely a drug addict and substance abuse is the root of all her problems. The probation officer then wrote a list of all the meds that are making their way down LiLo's throats. The list proves that LiLo could become a champion on the competitive pill popping circuit. The list from 411mania:

Nexium for heartburn!
Yaz for birth control!
Zoloft for depression!
Trazadone for depression!
Zyrtec for allergies!
Doxycycline for a bacterial infection!
Zythromax for a bacterial infection!

The probation officer also wrote that she failed a booze test a month after she was released from Betty Ford. The police also interviewed the staff at several restaurants LiLo visited during her stay at Betty Ford and they all said she enjoyed a glass of the sweet nectar or two.

This only proves that Lindsay Lohan is a completely responsible adult woman! These are harmless pills! If LiLo didn't take Yaz, she'd probably have one of those "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" moments and birth out a baby in the urinal of some bar's men's room. Does humanity really need another Lohan? We all answer NO to that. See, LiLo is thinking of us! As for the antibiotics, you can't cure chlamydia with a mixture of Cool Mint Listerine and Everclear. Trust me, I've tried.

Unflattering pictures of Jennifer Aniston leaving a Mexican restaurant after swallowing tequila shots and tortilla balls were not available for OK Magazine's "YES, SHE'S PREGNANT" cover, so they went with Katie Holmes instead. Stepford Katie's rep has already blamed Photoshop wizardry on the reason why there are pictures of her with audit bloat, but OK's source say that she's lying and she really is pregnant with Suri's next torture victim.

This source says that Katie is telling her friends she's knocked up and is going to wait a little while longer before she makes the news public. One her friends told OK!, “She said she’s finally past the morning sickness phase. She was talking a mile a minute. She’s so excited.”

OK! really wants me to believe that between shooting movies and taking Suri for her daily photo-op strolls, Tommy actually found the time to cum into a frozen turkey baster (shoved gently up a male hustler's ass, of course) and then present it to an L. Ron Hubbard hologram in a lavish Scientology mating ritual? Yeah, no. It's not in the contract. I'll believe it when I see Katie shopping for tiny clothes at the tiny people store. Actually, scratch that, she could be shopping for her husband. I'll really believe it when I see Suri moving her shit into the guest cottage, because she's not going to let some screeching brat ruin her beauty sleep.

Fast Five has made over $100 million at the box, is already the #1 movie of 2011 and Vin Diesel is so proud of it that he believe some of his co-workers might be fingering Oscar next year. This is what Vin told The Los Angeles Times about Fast Five's Oscar chances.

"I wouldn't be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don't know, maybe I'm just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought. But sooner or later, people are gonna say, 'Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn't mean they're not great.'"

Spoken like a dude who inhaled more than exhaled while surrounded by exhaust fumes on the set. YES! I like the way Vin Diesel thinks. And I put on my Vin Diesel brain for a quick second to predict 2011's nominees:

Best Picture
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Fast Five
Prom
Red Riding Hood
Season of the Witch

Best Actor
Nicolas Cage, Drive Angry
Nicolas Cage, Season of the Witch
Vin Diesel, Fast Five
Kevin James, Zookeeper
Paul Walker, Fast Five

Best Actress
Justin Bieber, Never Say Never
Jordana Brewster, Fast Five
Vanessa Hudgens, Beastly
Lindsay Lohan, TMZ's Live Streams
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

The Academy has been whispering that Kevin James is long overdue for an Oscar, but I still think Vin's chances are looking good!

via Entertainment Weekly

Children in catechism class are taught that the patron saint of forehead veins Angelina Jolie has had many bones in her body but the hate bone isn't one of them. But this is actually a lie. Angie Jo does have hate for something. It isn't food. It isn't American holidays that end in "ing." It also isn't clothes that look like they don't belong in the closet of a professional funeral seat-filler. The thing that Angie Jo hates is the sound of her own voice! Yes, the sound heaven's angels hear when they put their ears up against an empty conch shell on their grandma's coffee table (every grandma has an empty conch shell on their coffee tables, even in heaven) is the sound that Angie hates the most!

Pass me a plate of youknowthishoislying and then read what she said during an interview with USA Today for that Kung Fu Panda sequel.

Men might like her voice. Jolie hates it.

"You know, when you hear your own voice, you can find it quite boring and uninteresting," she says. "Suddenly, you get very shy that your voice is not enough, because I'm not musical and I don't know my voice."

Jack Black's ears perk up as Jolie talks about her early auditions for voice-over work. She says she was so nervous about getting jobs that she brought dozens of zany voices she plucked from thin air, including a crude Mae West imitation.

"You mean like, 'Come up and see me sometime?' " Black asks in a husky breath.

"That sounds more like Bogart doing Mae West," Jolie says. Black rolls his eyes. "Uh, that was Bogart in drag."

Angie can inject that "you know" up into her bulging forehead vein and speak for herself, because I happen to love the sound of my own voice. I especially love it when a telemarketer hears the sound of my voice and calls me "ma'm." Not even "miss," "mrs." or "Are your parents home, young lady?" MA'M! Those stupid bitches.

Although, I could be projecting a "ma'm" since when they call I'm usually wearing a sweatshirt with some kind of cartoon cat character on it and am in the middle of pulling my dog's ears back so they look like Princess Leia buns. But that's still not a ma'm! That's more like a "Ms. Aniston."

Fairly Legal's Sarah Shahi Tweeted her way into the charred layers of my heart over the weekend when she wrote a series poetic Tweets directed at that septic tank skank Parasite Hilton. Sarah launched into a beautiful rage-filled aria after she says Wonky nearly crashed into her before running a stop sign. I want someone to use Sarah's Tweets as the lyrics of a song that Celine Dion (or a French Canadian Celine Dion impersonator) will sing at my funeral. But wait. Wonky told Mario Lopez on Extra that just because it looks like trash and drives like a dick doesn't mean it's her!

"I have no idea! I was so shocked when I read that too. I've never met this person in my life. I wasn't even driving that day. I had just came back from Vegas with my boyfriend and we were at home relaxing. I hadn't even been in a car that day. I literally came with a driver from the airport [and] went to my house. Then later on, I read that. Dude, I wasn't even driving. Maybe it was some other blonde girl who looks like me. There is a lot of look-alikes, Paris look-alikes for a living that live in Los Angeles. They are always doing things and I'm getting blamed for it. So this could be another incident like that."

First of all, the ho is lying. Never trust a bitch who is always winking. Second of all, please tell me she's also lying about there still being Paris look-alikes roaming the streets of L.A. in 2011! You would think that by now every Wonky wannabe would've welded an alien mask to her face, covered her skin with bronze lacquer and stuffed each ass cheek with a yoga ball so that she can whore through the streets as a Kim Kardashian look-alike instead. Famewhore-alikes must stay current!

P.S. - Wonky's boyfriend Cy Waits was attacked outside of the court house today. That Sarah Shahi just won't quit! My hero.

In case you missed it, above is part 3 (click here for part 1, and here for part 2) of Lindsay Lohan's damage control interview with Jay Leno which aired last night. LiLo should really be sitting on a cot in jail, but she's sitting across from Jay instead (which is the harsher punishment, I'm not sure). After Jay's audience of clueless dumb fucks stood and clapped for LiLo, she went on to tinkle out the same shit we've heard a million times before. The same shit that we'll probably hear in a few months when Robin Byrd interviews LiLo on public access after she violates her probation by stealing somebody's Oscar (we'll get to that mess in a second).

White Oprah's precious innocent child said she knows she's made a dozen mistakes and she's working her way away from that. She's a fighter and wants to prove to people that you don't need to swallow your rings or eat your valuables with your butt when she comes around. She feels like she let down her fans, but is ready to get back to doing what she really loves: acting. LiLo then said, "As long as I stay focused, then I will be able to achieve what I want to achieve..... I'm a big girl, and I'm gonna do what I'm told to do."

LiLo doesn't think the 120 days in jail ruling was unfair and she thinks she's being treated like everyone else. When she said that canned response that her lawyer (who is married to Jay's house singer) embedded into her brain, you could almost hear White Oprah grinding her teeth something extra from Long Island. Yes, the residents of Long Island are already used to the nightly White Oprah teeth grinding (blame the bad shit), but this was extra booming.

And when Jay asked LiLo where she sees herself in 5 years, she said she hopes she'll be sitting with him after she wins her OSCAAAAAAAH! Yes, I'm sure that in 2016, LiLo will accept her Best Actress Oscar for playing the title role in the Princess Diana biopic and she'll thank her husband Prince William (who will obviously dump Kate Middleton for her) and the 4 third world orphans they adopted together. Yes, this will happen. But you know what really made me throw LiLo a "You still on that narcotic, ho?" look? Bitch thinks Jay Leno will still be hosting The Tonight Show in 5 years! Ring the alarm and drag the crackie back to Lynwood!

Like most good hostesses do with their frequent house guests, Lynwood jail keeps a rubber pillow case (it makes scrubbing out the seven-layer fake tan skid marks an easier job), a pair of orange leggings and a copy of "Gandhi for Dummies" on hand just for Lindsay Lohan since she checks in about every other week. But delusion continues to be LiLo's drug of choice, because she's crying to her friends that she must be made out of wood since prosecutor Danette Meyers is on a witch hunt to destroy her. I've always said that you can't trust an L.A. county prosecutor who is a silver kitchen ass wig away from looking just like Madea!

A source close to LiLo (aka White Oprah calling up TMZ and saying she's a source close to LiLo) tells TMZ that she believes Danette Meyers is wrongfully going hard at her, because of a little something called the L.A. County District Attorney spot. Apparently, Danette is running for D.A. and the throbbing mound of delusion in LiLo's head has produced the idea that Danette is using her to help her campaign. (That must be it! LiLo being the grand ambassador of FUCK-UP has nothing to do with her own actions!)

But TMZ adds that LiLo really ain't shit to Danette for various reasons. First of all, when the judge lowered the felony grand theft charge to a misdemeanor, Danette asked to be removed from the case (her request was denied), because she figured it would be transferred to the City Attorney. Second of all, Danette has hundreds of major cases on her resume, so LiLo's little misdemeanor is small potatoes to her.

If this is a witch hunt, when are we going to get to the part where Danette pulls a splintery stake out of Michael Lohan's ass and ties LiLo to it? We've all got boxes of clearance bin PEEPS just waiting for a wood fire to roast on.

Perched above these words is a picture of LeAnn Rimes in sparklier times when she weighed more than a dry egg noodle and had a glittery husband at her side to teach her how to paint on her face the right way (you know her make-up looks a'mess nowadays). This is the same glittery husband that LeAnn says she didn't know how to send to the alimony collection area.

In a special on her life airing on the Great American Country Channel this Sunday, LeAnn says that she didn't know how to end her marriage when she started screwing the wedding ring off of Eddie Cibrian, because of her shit relationship with her parents.

LeAnn is pulling all of our dicks (whether you're married or not) with this one, but let's hear what she has to say anyway. From NYDN:

On how she didn't know how to put her then husband Dean Scheremet on the curb: "I know I didn't do it the right way. I didn't have the tools to know how to do it the right way, how to let go the right way. I'd never been taught that."

On how SHE'S the one who felt alone even though she was dropping Dean for a new piece: "I think I felt really abandoned – I think 'abandoned' is a really good word – because of our divorce. Not only that, our divorce became so much bigger because it was publicized."

On cheating on Dean: "I'm not glad it happened, but I know why it did."

We all like to blame our parents for everything (examples: crooked hairlines, the reason for why we cry at the bottom of a cold shower in the middle of the night, alcoholism, etc...), but not knowing how to break up with a bitch? I mean, we all learned this from the opening credits of Dear John! It is not hard. LeAnn just needed to gently take the tweezers out of Dean's hand, tell him his eyebrows look fabulous and then quote one of my favorite movies of all time Mi Vida Loca by saying: "Take all of your happy little shit and go."

The point I'm trying to make is that LeAnn is full of cold shit as usual. I'm going to let Miss Dionne Warwick tell LeAnn the real reason why she didn't dump her husband before getting with Eddie:

Lady Caca, the self-appointed voice of acceptance, used the word "retarded" to describe her feelings about the accusations that she cloned Madonna's "Express Yourself" and re-titled it "Born This Way." The interview in which she dropped the "retarded" word made the rounds on the same day Weird Al said her manager told him that she refused to give her blessing for his parody of "Born This Way." Caca already backpedaled from the Weird Al thing by saying her manager never played the song for her, and now she's pedaling back even faster from her "retarded" comment.

In a statement to Perez Hilton (via UsWeekly), Caca says she regrets using that word and it's her life's work to blah blah blah blah blah:

"I consider it part of my life's work and music to push the boundaries of love and acceptance.

My apologies for not speaking thoughtfully. To anyone that was hurt, please know that it was furiously unintentional.

An honest mistake, requires honesty to make.

Whether life's disabilities, left you outcast bullied or teased, rejoice and love yourself today."

If you needed an apology, there you go. If you needed an apology and an "I'm So Sorry" bouquet of roses, you're not going to get it. But she did give us something even better. It's a "Gaga Goes Down" bouquet (jump to the 1:25 mark below)!

All better now?

via Buzzfeed