Why Are You Pulling My Dick?
The front of the temple at Ta Prohm in Cambodia looks like it's covered in the same veins that wrap around the claws St. Angie Jo uses to hold down the virgins she's about to feed from, so it's only fitting that they refer to is as the Angelina Jolie Temple from now on. The Guardian had this to say about this made-up ridiculousness:
Angelina Jolie may not have charmed all the locals at her most recent filming location but the people of Cambodia, where she shot Lara Croft: Tomb Raider in 2000, are said to have renamed a temple after her.
Rajan Zed, the president of the Universal Society of Hinduism, told the WENN news agency that the star is so beloved in Cambodia a world-famous Hindu religious site in Angkor has been renamed the "Angelina Jolie Temple".
"It's a 12th-century site called Ta Prohm; it is otherwise known as Old Brahma and was initially named Rajavihara or the royal monastery," he said. "Now it's popularly called the Angelina Jolie Temple."
Just like that, a thousand hardcore Brangeloonies just jumped from the Brangeloonie shrine set up next to their dryer in the basement and ran to call Spirit Air (the official airline of Brangeloonies) to book the next flight to Cambodia! Sorry, children of Brangeloonies, Christmas is canceled this year. In fact, there's a good chance that your Brangeloonie of a mother is going to try to sell you on eBay to raise money for her trip to the HOLY LAND! Maybe Jennifer Aniston will pull a BUY IT NOW for your ass. Now that'll be some shit.
But in all seriousness, Cambodia's tourism board is crazy for this one! They are crazy because if anybody deserves a place of worship over there it's MADDOX! They better get their facts straight and try again.
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
The rumor going around the tetherball court for the past few weeks is that two of the Gosselin sextuplets were kicked out of private school for being bad ass bullies who can't behave right in class. Kate Gosselin hasn't said a word about this, but Mary Hart is on the case!
The glamorous ladybot aimed her laser beam eyes at Kate and tried to extract out the truth during an interview for Entertainment Tonight. But since the invisible wall surrounding Kate is made from 100% hardcore cunt bricks, Mary was unable to get through and she never admitted that her kids were expelled. Kate did admit that they are currently being homeschooled, though. I guess Latarian Milton's Academy of Hood Rat Stuff was full.
"Two of my children, no, are being tutored at home, with a teacher who is working closely with our kindergarten teachers in school, doing the identical curriculum.
The pressure was getting to them... You have the divorce anger mixed in with that. They needed some breathing time. The goal is to get them back into school as soon as possible."
Breathing time from kindergarten?! Damn. Shit must've changed since when I was a kid, because the most stressful thing we learned in kindergarten was to NOT eat glue (something I have yet to grasp). Who can blame them, though? If your mom ate the nanny alive every time she spoke without saying "Yes, your cuntress" first and if your dad was Ed Hardy's answer to Jabba the Hutt, you'd want to slap one of your lil' classmates too.
Jersey Shore two-time dropout Angelina has achieved the impossible: She makes me wish that I was being fucked in the ear hole with a Ke$hit song instead of with her debut single "I'm Hot". Souls will vomit! Ears will file for Chapter 11!
This hurtful mess could scare the mutant crabs off of The Situation's crotch and could melt every thick layer of orange off of any guido's skin. This is what Satan's mating wail in HELL sounds like and your ear drums will jump out of your heard to answer to his call. Congratulations, Satan, you really did TOP THAT.
via Hollywood Life
When Lindsay Lohan's name did the flamenco off of Fishsticks Paltrow's tongue on last night's episode of Glee, I just knew that at a sports bar on Long Island somewhere LiLo's mother White Oprah just fell off her pleather burgundy stool. And not because her 4th Jägerbomb screwed with her balance like a sock on a cat's waist. It's because she was leaning over to pull out her phone in her purse to call her LAWYAHS! If you were thinking the same thing, we were all right! Glee better watch it, because the train of delusional has pulled into their station.
In the episode, Fishy played a substitute Spanish teacher who used the trial and tribulations of the mess that is Lindsay Lohan in her lesson. Fishy asked questions in Spanish like “Lindsey Lohan is totally crazy, right?” and “How many times has Lindsay Lohan been to rehab?” Questions that pinche puta loca White Oprah doesn't know the answer to in ANY language.
White Oprah thinks it's shameless and tasteless that Glee mocked her poor child's situation. You know what isn't shameless and tasteless? White Oprah going on the Today show to run her gross talk hole about her poor child's situation. No, that shit isn't shameless and tasteless at all. NEVAH.
White Oprah tells Gossip Cop that her lawyers “are sending a letter to Glee on the grounds that the show allegedly defamed" her daughter. LiLo's spokeswhore added, “Lindsay has an issue that millions of people around the world are dealing with yet ‘Glee’ is treating addiction as a laughing matter.” You know what isn't treating addiction as a laughing matter? Going on the VMAs and making fun of your own addictions. No, that shit isn't treating addiction as a laughing matter. NEVAH.
But seriously, Glee better just send everyone home, because White Oprah has this. It worked with E-Trade. When she's done the writers won't even have a pen or paper to write the scripts on, Sue Sylvester won't have a red tracksuit to put on and Fishsticks will have to downgrade from a 50-room English manor to her mother's basement apartment. Or Glee can settle with White Oprah by giving her a role as a woman whose mouth somehow gets stuck to Mr. Schue's left nipple for the rest of the season. Glee should take the deal.
Thanks to James Blunt, high school students of the world don't have to snort low-grade speed and freebase Amp to stay up all night to cram for a test on ANOTHER World War. You see, James Mustsmokealotofblunts says that he stopped World War 3 from happening by refusing to attack Russian troops while serving the British army in Kosovo!!!! Yup, someone has been taking extra bong hits while playing Call of Duty on Xbox Live.
James told the story to BBC Radio 5Live (via Digital Spy) while promoting his new album.
"I was given the direct command to overpower the 200 or so Russians who were there. The direct command [that] came in from General Wesley Clark was to overpower them. And if we had a foothold there then it would make life much easier for the NATO forces in Pristina. So there was a political reason to take hold of this. And the practical consequences of that political reason would be then aggression against the Russians."
When they asked James of he thinks taking the order would've ignited the start of WORLD WAR 3, his ass said this shit with a straight face: "Absolutely. And that's why we were querying our instruction from an American general. Fortunately, up on the radio came General Mike Jackson, whose exact words at the time were, 'I'm not going to have my soldiers be responsible for starting World War 3'."
I hate to disagree with a war hero, but General Michael Jackson's exact words at the time were, "I'm not going to have my soldiers be responsible for starting World War 3, EEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEE!"
And James Blunt might have stopped the world from getting bombed, but his ass went on to throw a giant bomb of destruction into our ear trenches.
Now we know the story behind those pictures of Michael Lohan staring into the tunnel to Bogota the other day. Radar says that Lindsay Lohan got her teefs worked and even shook her head NO when the dentist offered her those delicious pills that hug the pain away and make you feel like you're spooning with a fluffy polar bear made of clouds. The Blohan of the old days (and by "old days" I mean like 3 weeks ago) would've asked the dentist to Super-Size that order to avoid buying her shit from White Oprah at a 200% markup, but the new LiLo wants to keep her seat on the wagon. Uh huh.
Radar's source explains, "Lindsay had tooth surgery this week. She had teeth removed and won't even take any painkillers for the pain. Lindsay is so dedicated to the rehabilitation of her substance abuse problems she's doing everything she can to stay on track. She's taking her time at Betty Ford very seriously."
Who needs Vicodin when you've got a pot of Shake and Bake meth hiding in your closet. But seriously, LiLo is stronger than me because if the dentist so much as fires up a drill near my face, I demand a messy Novocaine thrust to my gums before we proceed any further.
No wonder LiLo and her ex-father are spending time together again. Since ho has ALLEGEDLY stopped medicating herself, she relieves the pain in her mouth by punching Michael Lohan in the face. It's therapeutic in so many ways! You should ask your dentist for the same prescription.
Here's LiLo getting her daily dose of photo-op yesterday afternoon.
This is a magical and wonderful story that proves that miracles (and naturally induced acid trips) happen every single day. Dick Van Dyke (PC version: Penis Van Lesbian) was surfing out in the ocean one day when he decided that it was the perfect place for him to take a little mimis. You know, because the elderly have this beautiful gift called BEING ABLE TO TAKE A NAP ANYWHERE. So Dick drifted off into the land of dreams and I'll let him take it from here....
"I woke up out of sight of land. I started paddling with the swells and I started seeing fins swimming around me and I thought 'I'm dead!' They turned out to be porpoises. And they pushed me all the way to shore."
And then shortly after he collapsed at the foot of a rainbow, a family of penguins flapped him dry and hundreds of crabs brought him a cold glass filled with tropical flavored Metamucil. The glorious melody of the porpoises cheering traveled to his ears and just when he was about to put his parched lips over the straw, his ass woke up in an overflowing bath tub and the annoying sound of his "Dolphin Dream" CD skipping. The end.
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
Gay Fish did all of us wrong when he gave a gracious and thoughtful response to George W. Bush's "Bitch gave me the grodies!!!" comment and I still haven't forgiven him for this. But it seems like he's trying to earn back some much-needed fuckery points he lost.
In an interview with Mojo in the Morning (via Celebuzz), the egotesticle cuntmonster we all love peeked out a bit. When Kanye West was asked what he thinks about Taylor Swift selling a million copies of her new album in one week, he queefed all modesty away when he said this:
"I feel like when Taylor was getting all those magazine covers, she was all good then. I feel completely empathetic and sympathize with that moment of her feeling bad, that spawned her to have one million magazine covers and be the most popular artist in the world, but in that moment of her feeling bad, I do feel bad about being the cause of that."
We already know that everything Kanye touches turns to platinum (delivered with a thick coating of sarcasm glaze), but not we know that everything Kanye slaps at turns to platinum too! As always, Gay Fish is right, though (pour the leftover sarcasm glaze on that shit). And when our modern day Pollyanna is giving another "GOLLY GOSH GEE, ME?!" acceptance speech at the VMAs next year, she better thank Gay Fish for pushing a baby named SUCCESS out of his twat and giving it to her! Some FULL CIRCLE shit!
And Kanye still hasn't earned back his spot at the delusional cunts table, but we'll let him nibble at his mayonnaise sandwich from the table next to us.
Megan Fox is busy writing her works of philosophy with a feather pen in the attic of a country house in England, so unfortunately she hasn't been around to give us our weekly eye roll cues. But fear not, your fat eyeballs are about to burn off some chunk thanks to Megan Fox's substitute MiserAlba!
Speaking to Elle Magazine from her dressing room at The Royal National Theater where she's currently in rehearsals for Macbeth, MiserAlba softly stroked her Lifetime Achievement Oscar and whispered the secret about how you know if an actor is a true thespian with the spirit of Laurence Olivier sashaying across their souls. According to MiserAlba, any good actor don't need no script!
“Good actors, never use the script unless it’s amazing writing. All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.”
Yeah, and whatever "they" say to MiserAlba usually starts with BITCH and ends with PLEASE.
So when MiserAlba uttered the line "I like you. Your flavor's hot" in the Oscar-winning art house masterpiece Honey, it came from her mind. "I'm scared of her....." - Meryl Streep. But seriously, MiserAlba is telling us that she memorizes every single word on the script including the stage directions.
Not only is MiserAlba skilled at memorizing words on a page and making a wet piece of popcorn ceiling look like the definition of charisma, but she can also perfectly enunciate words while her head is firmly shoved up her culito. A talent for the ages!
And the picture above is from a set of NSFW pictures of MiserAlba baring her post-baby bump and nursing nipples. Click here if that's what you need today. I'm sure she improvised all those poses, so someone should give her another award for that.
Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes recently EHEHEHEHEHEHE-ed about a Twit Pic of him fake proposing to her in front of their future wedding chariot of love. They said it was all just a joke. But E! News is now saying that Eddie has slipped a shiny ring (bought with LeAnn's AMEX) on Falcor's paw before jumping on her back to take a celebratory ride through Fantastica. Apparently, the two are engaged for real. Yeah, I'm not sure I'll believe this until I see a wolf with a boy's head in his mouth. This is what E! has to say about this mess:
Eddie Cibrian is going to make an honest woman out of LeAnn Rimes. Though it didn't happen on Halloween, the recently divorced actor indeed popped the question recently and the duo are engaged, a source tells E! News.
So no wonder Brandi Glanville wants to have a civil sit-down with her kids' future stepmom... Glanville, who has two children with Cibrian, told E! News today that she planned to meet with her sworn enemy pal-in-the-making next week.
That stampeding noise you hear isn't LeAnn running around gloating to anybody and everybody about this shit. It's the mob of bitches screaming "What goes around, comes around...karma....blah blah blah". But I say, good for these two wrong bitches.
I mean, LeAnn is obviously with Eddie because the dick hits her right. The dick is so good that it has her nostrils flaring like a coked up bull and makes her squint so hard that Eddie has to pry her eyelids off with a wooden spatula. And Eddie's with LeAnn, because he likes to buy purdy and shiny things. So it's a mutually beneficial relationship that will probably end with a story on Radar Online about how Eddie down low dicked some cocktail waitress on LeAnn's favorite chair. But so what.
Besides, it's just marriage! Who in the hell takes that shit seriously?