Why Are You Pulling My Dick?
"It's not RiRi!" is what Fist Brown's rep said when everyone figured he passed the pinnacle of psychopathness by getting a trophy tattoo of RiRi's beaten face on his neck. Fist Brown said that his new neck tattoo isn't of RiRi, it's of a Day of the Dead skull. (So basically, it's a tattooed warning to his future girlfriends letting them know what will happen to them if they try to check his cell phone while he's driving.) Fist Brown got another ugly tattoo the other day and I'm sure this one also has nothing to do with RiRi even though he got it on the same place as her tribute to her Gran Gran tattoo. Coincidence!
Fist Brown got a tattoo of a fighter jet under his nipples, because in case we didn't know from him punching faces off and throwing chairs through windows, he's a fighter. But I think Fist Brown is trying to tell us something else with that tattoo, because that doesn't look like a fighter jet to me. It looks like a flying peen head crashing directly into a swollen anus. It's the most fitting tattoo he's ever gotten.
Because Hollywood (and now Bravo) just can't let our dead gay classics rest in peace, they're still trying to pull Heathers out of its beautiful grave and fuck it gently with a chainsaw by remaking it. Over three years ago, I shed a single tear as Hollywood pulled my dick (not in a sexy way) by announcing they were rebooting Heathers and now Bravo is pulling it harder by saying they're turning Heathers into a damn fucking TV SHOW!
The Hollywood Reporter (via Vulture) says that Bravo and The Big C's Jenny Bicks are redeveloping Heathers into a scripted TV show that they hope will terrorize our screens next year. We all know that Veronica went to college in London, got kicked out after she had an affair with a professor, moved to NYC and published a few of her own zines before giving up on writing to spend her days throwing lit matches at people from the stoop of her Brooklyn apartment building, but Bravo has other ideas about what happened to her. This is what they think:
In the updated take, Heathers picks up 20 years later, with Veronica (Ryder's character) returning home to Sherwood with her teenage daughter, who must contend with the next generation of mean girls: the Ashleys: the daughters of the surviving Heathers.
Yes, that is what it feels like when somebody shits in your eyes. That is awful and since this is Bravo, we already know what the cast list is going to look like:
Veronica: Heather Dubrow from The Real Housewives of Orange County
Veronica's daughter: That girl from Gallery Girls who sort of looks like a slow Clara Bow
Ashley 1: Gia Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Ashley 2: Andy Cohen in a blond wig
Ashley 3: The slutty singer chick who saved Aviva's stupid party by being a mess
Martha Dumptruck: Cousin Rosie from The Real Housewives of New Jersey
In other words: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOO!
When Courtney Stodden turned 18 in human years on Wednesday, porn companies threw offers at her, because DUH. Well, nasty pervs who were hoping to fap to an iguana in a blond wig humping on human man peen will have to get their bestiality kicks elsewhere, because Courtney turned all those porn offers down. Courtney said on Twitter that she's saving her newly legal nipples for Playboy. You'd think that since Hugh Hefner lives in an aquarium inside of the Playboy Mansion and only eats brown wilted lettuce fed to him by one of the whores from his blonde harem that he'd be into having a porn iguana like Courtney Stodden on the cover of his magazine, but he's not.
A source type tells TMZ that the chances of an actual human saying "Nope, Doug Hutchison is not creepy at all!" are greater than Courtney's naked body gracing the pages of Playboy. Playboy said that they have never put out an offer to Courtney and they will never ever put out an offer to her, because she looks "too enhanced."
Playboy thinks a skank looks TOO enhanced? I didn't think it was possible, but I just rolled my eyes and coughed up a laugh through my butt at the same time. It's true, though. Playboy only selects flowers who have sprouted from nature like Pamela Anderson, Holly Madison, Denise Richards, Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan and Jenny McCarthy. But seriously, Playboy will regret this decision when they walk into a pet store and see dozens of amphibians jacking their tails off to Courtney's naked cover of Reptiles magazine.
Here's Courtney wearing a red dildo cozy while leaving her house on her 18th birthday.
Who ever's in charge of giving stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame already said that Hollywood Blvd. is already filled with enough pieces of trash and so they are not whoring it up more by handing out stars to reality tricks like the Kartrashians. But since Kim Kardashian permanently lives in a fart bubble of delusion that came out of her own ass, she wants to break barriers and get a star. Yeah, Kim is a regular Rosa Parks. Kim tells V Magazine (via HuffPo) that yeah, she knows the Walk of Fame ho stroll is already full of whores, but she wants to show them that she's the ultimate whore by getting a star for being a whore:
“I think there was a quote where somebody said that reality stars will never get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. So, of course I’m so competitive that I think that it would be a huge achievement and a goal that anyone would want. I would love to break that mold."
Will somebody please tell Kim that no E! reality star has ever thrown themselves into a volcano, so maybe she can break that mold first? But really, anybody who wants a star just has to go into the Walk of Shame offices, hand them a bag full of money and ask for their star. It's pretty much that easy. Half of the Walk of Fame is full of people who bought that shit, so Kim will fit right in. Kim will also fit right in, because I'm pretty sure a lot of those stars are covered in piss and hobo shit.
And Kim didn't stop there, she defended reality TV by comparing it to rap music. Yeah, Kanye has totally been farting in her ear:
I’m not naïve to the fact that I’m not a singer or an actress or anything like that. I’ve never claimed to be anything that I’m not. I think [reality] is still a new form of entertainment that was kind of an unexpected thing. It reminds me of rap music. When rap music first came out, people were like, We don’t understand this, what is this, it’s just a fad. But rap music is definitely here to stay, and I think reality shows have proven they are as well. But when something is newer, people don’t really understand it."
Reality TV is to rap music as that quote is to making sense.
On last night's episode of The Real Housewives of NYC, all of those crazed horny bitches went to St. Barts to be crazy and horny on a different kind of island. During their trip, they all went to a restaurant owned by Sonja Morgan's friend and met the owner's piece, a French dude named Tomas (the piece next to LuMann). Cuntress LuMann is supposedly all in love with her French boyfriend Davide Schwimmaire, but on last night's episode she was all over Tomas and you could barely hear what she cooed into his ear, because the sound of her tingling labia clapping in excitement was so loud.
Sometime during the night, LuMann split up with the other ladies and they all went their separate ways. Sonja and the other crazies went back to the house where they were all staying at and LuMann stayed out with Tomas. The next morning, the crazies started talking about how they were woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of LuMann and another dude laughing. LuMann made up some story about how she met up with her Italian friends and brought them back to the house. But during a conversation on the phone with one of her French friends, bitch admitted that she brought back the dude who looked like Johnny Depp (aka Tomas) and lied to the other crazies about it. It pretty much looked like LuMann squirted Zestra on her parts on got her some ass. But LuMann said on Twitter last night that she's a liar, but she's not a cheater:
I may have lied. Owning that. But I am not a cheater. And they all know it. But wait til you see who really gets Tomas? Tune in next week
I lied about who brought me home. That's all. Nothing happened. Great TV tho! And Jacques and still very happy and together. Night all. xo
Ho, please. Yes, it would be dumb of LuMann to pass the poon to another right in front of the cameras, but you do desperate things when you're in heat and have a hot piece in front of you. You know she humped on that and you know she gave him a stack of hundreds as a thank you. Money can't buy you class, but money can buy you ass. Get it while you're checking account is still in the black, LuMann!
Seen here wearing the exact outfit Carmen Sandiego would wear if she stole a bunch of jewelry and needed to make an inconspicuous getaway, Lindsay Lohan landed at JFK from LAX on Tuesday night. After she hit a few pawn shops in Queens, she jumped on Twitter (via SFGate) to let out another crackie whine about how the media keeps pushing her down with their lies when all she wants to do it get up and sell all those watches she snatched!
Kleptohan is of course crying over that story about how she just so happened to be at an all-night party at a house in the Hollywood Hills when the owner's expensive watches and sunglasses were stolen. LiLo basically told the cops to eff off by not answering their questions and the owner of the house thinks that the two dude friends she brought to the party are the ones who lifted his fancy crap. There's a good reason for why Lindsay Lohan isn't a character in Clue. Because in every game, bitch would be the one who did it! But LiLo claims she's innocent and put another scratch on her broken record of a tongue when she wrote this:
All of this negative press is BS.... Whenever I'm doing great, people fabricate lies. It's such a shame. I'm just sayin' xo
When you're a trick who is known for stealing crap and stuff gets stolen when you're around, you're going to immediately be suspect #1. This dumbass has to know this. It's just like when I'm at a party and the host runs out of the bathroom screaming about how someone just fapped into her good hand towels, everybody looks at me. It's understandable!
And I don't know how Lindsay Lohan can hear all the hate over the sound of the stolen watches in her bag clanking against each other.
I see you cursing the wind for disappointing you by not pushing Vanessa Bryant into that pool. The wind obviously loves gold diggers. Too bad for you!
Vanessa Laine Bryant was put in the shade the other day when she told New York Magazine that she wouldn't be married to a dude who doesn't win championships and if her man slut husband Kobe Bryant is going to be away from his family all the time, she expects him to bring home a championship every single year. But now Vanessa has jumped on her gold-plated Rolls Royce edition Big Wheel and is backpedaling away from that statement. Vanessa tells TMZ that everyone is twisting her words the same way a plastic surgeon twisted her original nose. If Kobe only brought home a sad face from losing all the time, she'd still stay married to him.
"I'm sad to hear that comments in my New York Magazine interview are being misconstrued and taken out of context. I have and will continue to support my husband’s dreams. I have been with Kobe for 13 years. I accepted his marriage proposal PRIOR to him winning any of his 5 championships with his teammates. For anyone to think otherwise is wrong. It is not about being married to a ‘winner’ it is about our sacrifice as a family. “
I really do love Vanessa Bryant more than Vanessa Bryant loves money. There she is, pretty much saying that she got with Kobe when he was nothing when everyone knew at the time that he was on his way to becoming a millionaire champion. Eventually (when he stops bringing home bonus checks), Vanessa will divorce Kobe's cheating skank ass and when she does, she deserves every penny and more for playing the game flawlessly. Never give up the secrets to your success and never tell anyone that the sparkle from a championship ring temporarily masks the scent of side piece pussy wafting off of your husband's crotch.
Kobe should be the one bragging about being married to a champion. A champion gold digger that is!
Lainey at Lainey Gossip said yesterday that some of the French tabloids were saying that there's some party planning activity shit going down at Brad Pitt and Angie Jo's child army compound in France and they believe that on either August 11th or August 12th, Jesus will fall from the heavens to catch Angie's black garter as she kicks it off her fame whoring leg during her wedding reception. And now The Sun is co-signing the French tabloids' claims by saying that Brad Pitt flew in a few days ago and that Angie's private jeweler is there right now.
Brad is apparently throwing his parents, Jane and Bill Pitt, a party to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their God-approving heterosexual marriage, but some say that he and Angie are going to hijack that shit and make it ALL ABOUT THEM by getting married. One of The Sun's source says that right now, the party's guest list is really small and they speculate that Brad invited George Clooney. The source went on to say this mess of words:
“George and Brad are best pals, there’s no way he’d miss it. He’s at his house in Italy, but could fly to Marseille in an hour. There’s a real buzz around the estate.”
The source needs to educate themselves, because there's always a "buzz" around that estate since Brad and Angie are always buzzing it from being drunk and stoned all the time. You know, if Brad and Angie officially lie to the gays and lezzies by getting married on Saturday or Sunday night, we'll only know for sure when the clouds open up, the sky goes bright and the sun comes out so that God can clearly see the look on their faces when he slaps the shit out of both of them for interrupting the Olympics.
The truth is out there and apparently David Duchovny is trying to find the truth in Gillian Anderson's punane. Nerds are jizzing themselves into a coma after Celeb Dirty Laundry said yesterday that Gillian and her kids are living with sexaholic David Duchovny in Los Angeles. Crazy Days and Nights recently revealed that his "two sort of married co-stars are living together" blind item from 2011 was about Gillian and David. This probably not true rumor will make some of your nipples hard with excitement, but my nipples will only get hard with excitement when Celeb Dirty Laundry posts a story about how one of my favorite TV couples, Beecher and Keller from OZ, are shacking up together in an apartment that looks like a jail cell.
Gillian recently broke up with her partner of a million years and David and Tea Leoni broke up for good last year. CDL doesn't say much about this rumor except that Mulder and Scully have been exploring each other's Uranuses for some time. They also point to an interview Gillian gave to The Sunday Times Magazine where she plays coy about having a full-time hump partner in her life:
I ask if she has a partner at the moment. Her answer is peculiar. “Um…yes…umm…umm…” There is a long pause. “Say yes,” she stutters finally.
Is this one we know about, I say, the father of the two youngest children, or a new one? “Umm, no, no… why do you ask me?” she counters.
If you still want to believe, then plug your eyes so you won't have to read what David Duchovny's spokeswhore said about this come-to-life fanfic shit. David's rep broke nerd boners when they told Wonderwall that the rumor is fake.
So who is Gillian partnering up with then? My guess is that she's shacking up with Flukeman. I mean, can you imagine the things that mouth can do?
Here's David carrying some Chinese takeout in L.A. the other day. Yes, you can still write in your Mulder and Scully erotic fanfiction novel that he waltzed into his house and let Gillian eat lo mein noodles off his taint.
Mama Lochte joined Debbie Phelps in the spirit animal ranch in my heart the other day when she basically called her son a big whore who should win a gold medal in sluttin'. Ike Lochte told Today that Ryan doesn't have time for a girlfriend and the only thing he really has time for is to make orgasm waves with a one-time trick. UsWeekly decided to make shit extra awkward by asking Ryan Lochte what he has to say about his mom talking about his peen's travels. Ryan says he has never had a one night stand and that his mom is new to this media game and didn't really know what she was saying. Swimming answer's to Chet Haze put it like this:
"They took it out of context. My mom is really new to all of this and the media. She meant since the last 4 years I just wanted to focus on swimming, and I didn't really have time for a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I want to give that person my entire heart and I wasn't able to ever do that because of swimming. I'm always on the go. So what she meant is that I do go out on dates. But its not that thing that everyone is talking about, because that's not me. I've never done that and never have been like that, so I don't want people to think that about me."
Maybe Mama Lochte is like my mom and sometimes she accidentally mixes up phrases. Like a couple of summers ago, I was going to the store and my mom was trying to tell me to pick up some fruit punch, but she told me to pick up some donkey punch instead. (!!!!) I didn't want to know how, when or where she learned that shit. I just blamed myself, because she probably learned it from listening to me and I made a mental note that if I ever come into a whole lot of money, I need to start a beverage company called Donkey Punch.
And really? "I want to give that my person my entire heart." That's what a slut says when they don't want to sound like a slut! They also say shit like, "I just don't have time for a relationship, but I do have time to hump on a new piece every night."
This ho is lying. I'm sure there are dozens of tricks out there who have listened to Ryan shout at them "I'm going for gold! I'm going to break a new record on your pussy, bitch" one time and one time only.