Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Both Deadline and The Hollywood Reporter say that Focus Features has talked to St. Angie Jolie about directing the movie version of the Twatlight fan fiction turned mom cream-churner 50 Shades of Grey. I'm sure Angie Jo will really go from directing a depressing, war drama to directing a Nine 1/2 Weeks for the Twilight set. The chances of that happening are about as slim as KFed and Jessica Simpson starring in a movie for the Food Network called 50 Shades of Gray's Papaya (Side note: Somebody please make that movie happen.)

The rumor sprouted wings of foolery last weekend and quickly made the rounds. THR's sources say that there's a chance Focus had a couple of casual talks with Angie Jolie, but it wasn't that serious. Angie's schedule for the next few months is filled with working a pair of dildo horns as Maleficent and Focus wants to strike while the mom pussy is still hot. Universal and Focus deny that they've talked to Angie. Deadline says that the book's writer will be landing in Hollywood soon to pick out a producer, writer and director.

The Angie Jolie of 10 years ago would've directed this mess, because she was a proud freak and wanted everyone to know she kept a ball gag in her back pocket. The Angie Jolie of today takes herself way too seriously and would only direct this mess if the setting was changed to a war torn country and the main characters were changed to a conflicted soldier and his prisoner. (No, that wasn't me asking for a really wrong mash-up of In the Land of Blood & Honey and 50 Shades. PLEASE NO.) The big-screen version of this wreck shouldn't happen anyway. They're going to scrub out all the sucio parts and fill it with product placement. (SPOILER ALERT, like you care) In the tampon scene, Christian Grey is going to pull out her DivaCup instead of a tampon, because DivaCup outbid Kotex for the honor.

If the writer cared about the integrity (HA!) of her masterpornpiece, she would've sold the rights to Skinemax and asked Shannon Tweed to direct it.

Liz & Dick has only been shooting for a few days, but I'm sure you've already overdosed on every tiny little detail and pictures from that shit. Try to take in one more post, because this quote is just too perfect, too hilarious and TOO much. Salvador Pérez, Liz & Dick's costume designer, talked to People about transforming an L.A. County Jail legend into a Hollywood legend. Make sure there's a soft mat on the floor below you, because you will fall out of your chair after reading Salvador's reaction to seeing LiLo as La Liz for the first time:

"There was an audible gasp. You’d swear it was Elizabeth. She just walked into the clothes and became Elizabeth Taylor."

I'm sure that audible gasp sounded a lot like the audible gasp you'd make while watching a runaway train careen toward you in slow motion. It was a "....the fuck did I get myself into?" kind of gasp. But I love Salvador for that. I laughed so hard that tears welled up in my eyes and temporarily blurred my version. And you know, in that blurry moment, that picture of LiLo sort of did look like Elizabeth Taylor!

Oh, and Salvador also said that LiLo's waist is 23 inches. Oh, that Salvador. Bitch just wants us to laugh until piss shoots out of our eye holes. And here's a few more pictures from yesterday's shoot. Either the whole thing takes place on a boat or Lifetime got their Hollywood legends mixed up and they're really making a Natalie Wood biopic instead.

If the producers of Lifetime's Liz & Dick cast an orange parking cone in a brown wig to play Richard Burton opposite Lindsay Lohan's Elizabeth Taylor, that bitch should shut her lips and nod, because she should be lucky that someone is giving her a chance to prove that she's not a chronic professional fuck up and is about as pleasant as getting finger fucked by an eagle. But Lindsay Lohan wouldn't be Lindsay Lohan if she didn't induce a dozen eye rolls with her self-entitled antics, so of course she's already a freckled thorn in the producers' ass lips.

A source tells Radar that the producers of that basic cable foolery put Matthew Settle of Gossip Girl, Sean Maguire of Meet the Spartans and Craig Robert Young on the short list for the role of Richard Burton, but LiLo waved all of them away. The fact that this is a movie for FUCKING LIFETIME hasn't penetrated through the fart bubble of delusion that LiLo lives in and so she thinks an A-lister should star opposite her, so says the source:

"Lindsay is being an absolute nightmare about who should play Burton. She believes Matthew Settle is too old to play the role, and she wants a major A-list star to be her co-star. However, her salary for the role took up a major portion of the budget, and the Burton gig will likely only pay $200k, max. The producers don't need to get Lindsay's approval of who will play Richard Burton, but they want to keep her happy.

They are already in pre-production and it's very hard to conduct any rehearsals without the pivotal role of Richard Burton. There is also cause for concern because Lindsay partied all night last week with Paris Hilton, Barron Hilton and Brandon Davis. All three, including Lindsay, have been arrested for DUI and/or drug charges previously. Lindsay shouldn't be out partying all night long, no good can come of that."

LiLo wants to fly to London to handpick her own Richard Burton, but the producers aren't going to fund that trip.

None of these dudes give me Richard Burton vibes, but this movie is just a whoring for ratings project camouflaged as an Elizabeth Taylor biopic so it doesn't matter who plays him. I wouldn't be surprised if LiLo ended up playing Liz AND Dick so she can collect two checks. I also wouldn't be surprised if White Oprah is trying to get the producers to cast The Curious Case of Ali Lohan as Richard Burton so she can collect two commissions. "It doesn't count as incest if it's done in front of the cameras.... for a check..... and if the producers give their pimp a lifetime supply of Svedka as a finders fee." - White Oprah's life motto

But seriously, since Liz & Dick is already a mess, the producers should get totally messy by casting Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty, seen below looking hot at Cannes, as Richard Burton. Dreamboat is absolutely perfect for the simple fact that he wouldn't flinch if LiLo sneezed up a coke booger on his face during the kissing scenes.

As of yesterday, John Doe #1 hired master limousine chaser Gloria Allred to be his new attorney and help him decide whether or not he's going re-file his lawsuit against John Travolta for giving him a hernia test without asking. Since then, a lot more foolery has come flying out and let's get to it so we can exhale before another batch of foolery comes flying out. I swear, I hope Tommy Girl and his Scientology chorus boys re-enact all of this at the church holiday pageant, because this is drama.

John Doe #2 has dropped his lawyer and picked up Gloria Allred too - Just like John Doe #1, John Doe #2 withdrew his $2 million lawsuit against John Travolta this morning and immediately hired Gloria Allred. John Doe #2's the massage therapist at that fancy resort in Atlanta who claims John's anus hole practically tried to eat his finger off. Gloria tells People that they plan to file the lawsuit in another court.

John Travolta's lawyer is shaking his head no to the rumors that they're paying bitches off - John Doe #2's first lawyer said that John Travolta could make everything go away if he simply slipped them $250,000. But John's lawyer Marty Singer tells TMZ that they will never pay a cent and will never settle. Well, I say why should John pull the wad of cash out of his titty cleavage to pay those dudes off when he can get his Scientology bitches to put the spook in them? Those Scientology crazies will haunt John Doe #1 and John Doe #2 forever. I'm pretty sure that creepy bitch with split ends in The Grudge was a Scientologist.

John Travolta tried to put a hickey on Kenickie's dickey - Remember Jeff Conway's beyond crazy fiancee Vikki Lizzi? Vikki tells The National Enquirer (via P6) that when Jeff tried to off himself in 2006, he wrote a suicide note where he claimed that John Travolta sucked him off while he was passed out one night in the 90s. The note went something like, "Life is an ugly thing and I realized this when I woke up and had Travolta's saliva all over my peen. Goodbye cruel world!"

Vikki says that after Jeff caught Travolta sucking on his peen in his sleep, their friendship ended. Jeff also told Vikki that Kelly Preston knows John's butt hole gets hungry for peen and she's okay with it. Kelly is John's happily wedded beard and even signed some sort of contract.

And finally for the grand finale! John Travolta released this Mother's Day video card to Kelly Preston and loooooord this is the most subtle act of damage control I've ever seen. Nothing says "I love my wife's vagina" like a Power Point presentation. Even Tommy Girl's couch jumping theatrics weren't this obvious.

And the best part is that he used a Barbra Streisand song. If that isn't an official coming out announcement, then I really don't know what is.

You see Tommy Girl making the rock 'n roll sign, but I see Tommy making the salad tosser sign. Well, I can't help it that I see a tiny butt crack when Tommy puts his ring and middle finger together.

To sell his new movie Cock of Ages, Tommy worked his weave and flexed his cum gutters for W Magazine (click here to see all the piping hot heterosexualness) and also gave an interview to Playboy. (When Tommy says he reads Playboy for the articles, nobody accuses of him of lie-telling.) In the interview with Playboy, Tommy talks about never tucking his face, acting the fool in interviews and sending his lawyers after gossiping bitches. Tommy actually sounds like his head is on earth with the rest of us and not floating up in Xenu's kingdom, and that tells me that Scientology's doctors must have invented a "vitamin" that temporarily sedates the crazy in a bitch. Here's a few choice quotes from Tommy's tea time with Playboy:

On how he maintains his beauty at the age of 49: "I honestly have no idea. [laughs] I work. I’m always with family. I train, go without sleep. I just go hard."

On if a plastic surgeon's scalpel has ever touched his face: "I haven’t, and I never would."

On how 30-year-old Tommy is different from almost 50-year-old Tommy: "I’ve always had the same values. Family for me has always been important. When I shoot, everybody comes. When Kate’s shooting, I’m there with her and the kids. We’re always together. I’m always around my mother and sisters. I always wanted to be a father, a husband. And I’ve always had a work ethic. I’ve had paying jobs since I was about eight years old—cutting grass, raking leaves, paper routes, selling Easter cards and Christmas cards."

On how Def Leppard was amazed by his voice when he sang one of their songs for them (prepare your eyes for rolling): "Well, the lead singer, Joe Elliott, points at me and goes, 'Fuck you! Fuck you!' Then I saw big smiles on their faces, and I realized I’d gotten their stamp. It was a very cool moment. It was important they knew I was honoring their music and not making fun of them."

On jumping on Oprah's couch and spewing crazy shit about Brooke Shields' postpartum depression: "I agree with you, and I never meant it that way. When I go back and look at it, I find myself thinking, I don’t feel that way. I get how it came across, but I don’t feel that way, and I never have. Telling people how to live their lives? I saw how that came across and how pieces were edited."

On if he's keeping his mouth shut about Scientology: "What’s interesting is, if I don’t talk about my religion, if I say I’m not discussing it or different humanitarian things I’m working on, they’re like, 'He’s avoiding it.' If I do talk about it, it becomes, 'Oh, he’s proselytizing.' Reviewing the whole thing and how things can be edited and misinterpreted, I decided, You know what? Here’s the deal. I take responsibility for what happened, but everyone now knows that if I am dealing with humanitarian things, I will talk about that. When I’m promoting a film, I’m not going to get caught up in anything else, and that includes all my personal things."

On if he ever thought the couch jumping and anti-anti-depressant rantings would screw up his career: "No, I really didn’t. But it was important to me to take responsibility, take a hard look and decide where I go from here. That time was interesting. It was that moment when the internet had really spun out. It was a learning experience for all of us, how these things go. All you can do is learn and say, “This is the way it’s going to go from now on. Here is the line.”

On why he's sued over shit written about him or his family: "They know I mean it, that if I have to, I will sue. You start with a letter saying, 'Okay, you know it’s not true. Apologize.' There is a point with a lot of things when you just go, You know what? I don’t want to waste my time with this. I’m busy. I’d rather spend this time with my kids and my wife, at home or on our movies, creating a life together. If you have kids, it is the most important thing to create good times.

On how he recently uploaded a screenwriting program into his Stepford Beard's hard drive: "She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you’d see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity. When she becomes interested in something, she doesn’t talk about it, she does it. One week I said to her, 'You’ve been up in the middle of the night. Is everything okay?' She smiled and then threw this thing on my desk and said, 'I wrote this script.' She wanted to try it, and she did. She wanted to try designing clothes, and now her line is wonderful and, to me, an example of how she just creates beautiful things in her life. She has a voice and warmth as an artist, as a mother. She’s funny and charming, and when she walks into the room, I just feel better. I’m a romantic. I like doing things like creating romantic dinners, and she enjoys that. I don’t know what to say—I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special."

Sort of kind of sane, right? That said, I don't know if I buy that the thetans on his face aren't weighed down with plastic, but then again regular facials in the Scientology men's sauna probably does wonders for the skin. And why didn't I ever notice that Tommy's tongue looks like a peen with a swollen tip?

Brandi Glanville recently told NW Magazine, in so many words, that if murdering the life out of a luckdragon didn't automatically get you a life sentence in the Ivory Tower, she would've killed Falcor Rimes a long time ago. Brandi said that the kids at her son's soccer game almost witnessed two plastic praying mantises with fake tits go at it after she strolled onto the field and caught LeAnn Rimes having a sweet bonding experience with her son. Brandi knew how Bridget Fonda felt in Single White Female, because there was LeAnn Rimes with her son, her old husband and her current tits. Brandi nearly stabbed a trick in the eye with stiletto:

"I remember walking up . . . and there she was with my baby in her lap. My blood was boiling, and I thought I was going to kill her. I really thought I was going to physically hurt her. That was the first time I saw her that way--she was sitting in my soccer chair, under my tent, she's got my kid on her lap and she's with my husband, and that was that little moment of total irrational fury."

Brandi says that she's never going to make LeAnn a friendship bracelet, but LeAnn gets along with her boys and that's all she really cares about. However, a source close to LeAnn (aka the full-time fanfiction writer LeAnn hired to stretch Brandi's quote to fuckery proportions for maximum exposure) tells Celebuzz that Brandi regularly threatens to turn her into weave glue and LeAnn hasn't been this scared since one of her stepsons threw a rubber snake at her hooves. The source says that LeAnn is thinking of taking a restraining order out against that crazy bitch:

“Brandi has told LeAnn to her face multiple times that she would kill her if she could. LeAnn is scared of Brandi and believes she is unstable. LeAnn’s own mother is concerned for her daughter’s safety too and regularly calls her to tell her so.”

Stupid dramatic bitches being stupid dramatic bitches. Brandi knows exactly what to say to get space in UsWeekly and the only hos LeAnn is taking a restraining order out against are the Four Wind Giants for trying to mess with her while she's flying through Fantastica. But you better believe LeAnn is going to use this to her advantage. LeAnn wasn't going to eat that plate of food anyway, but now she's really not going to eat that plate of food in case Brandi dropped poison in it. And LeAnn was going to call the paparazzi anyway, but now she's really going to call them so they can get photographic evidence if Brandi tries to run her over. LeAnn might've been diagnosed as "lame" by the farm where she was born, but she ain't dumb!

Over two weeks ago, Jennifer Aniston was planning a wedding, then she had a case of the babies and now hos are saying that she's about to renew her membership to the Forever Alone Society. Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) says that when Justin Theroux sits at the breakfast table in Jennifer's Bel Air mansion, he softly sings "fuuuuuuuuuck myyyyyyyy liiiiiiiiiiife" to himself as she sticks one of those Plum pouches in the mouth of her Baby Alive. Some source says that when Justin is lying in bed next to Jennifer, while she's clutching a Beanie Baby monitor, the dream bubble in his head is filling up with pictures from his past life. Justin wants to back to NYC and he wants to go back to his ex-piece Heidi Bivens. So says the source:

“The bloom is off the rose. He wants his old home, his old love and his old life back. Justin and Heidi still talk, and they are very supportive of each other. Justin feels she’s handled herself with grace, never becoming nasty or vindictive though it was a total shock when he began seeing Jen behind her back while they were still living together. Justin is full of remorse and regret which he has told Heidi. Justin wants a family, but he doesn’t want it with Jen.”

And then Star's editor says they heard a voice in the distance say, "Heidi, you dumb ass bitch, get off that pay phone! And take off that disguise, it's not like they can see your stupid ass. Get back up into the apartment and clean up the mess you made while pasting pictures of your face over Jennifer Aniston's face in all those magazines!"

Since reboots are the thing, I love how the tabloids have rebooted the Brangelina/Aniston triangle of grossness and cast Aniston as Angie, Justin as B. Pitt and Heidi as Aniston. I wonder who they'll cast as the Maddox? (SPOILER ALERT: Aniston's Prep Boy Asian CB Doll)

In "Bitch, you know you need to stop" news, Charlie Sheen is threatening to throw a lawsuit at Cheetahs strip club in Manhattan for naming the VIP room after him. The president of Cheetahs says that Charlie isn't mad because the club is using his name to make money, he's mad because men can pay to eat sushi off of semi-naked strippers in the VIP room and he feels this damages his reputation. Charlie does have a point. Charlie has a tarnished, bruised, wart-ridden reputation as the warlock king of sucioness to uphold and eating raw fish off of a bare titty is an act that's way to classy for him. If a dude could pay to snort dried tiger blood out of a hooker's ass crack as a goat slapped its lipstick on his back, Charlie wouldn't be bitching. Here's what the president of Cheetahs told Page Six about Charlie's threats:

“We figured it would be comical to name a room after him. It was a room [with pictures of Charlie in it] where you could dine on sushi served on cellophane on the body of one of our entertainers, not where you do crack. Then we got notification from his lawyer to cease and desist, claiming the usage of his name would be detrimental to his persona. They said they would sue us for millions if we carried on. How could sushi damage Charlie Sheen’s reputation? We thought dedicating a room to dine in his honor would help repair and elevate his image. He should have called us up and thanked us. We have now removed his name, he wasn’t doing big business for us anyway. We had a little ritual and threw his image in garbage — a celebration of Charlie Sheen being dumped.”

Charlie's lawyer says it has nothing to do with his reputation and everything to do with Cheetahs making money off of his name.

Who thought this was a good idea in the first place? If I'm going to nibble on coochie fumes-infused raw salmon, I don't want to do it while staring at a Charlie Sheen picture staring at me. That combination sounds like a quick way to get a case of the barfs and a case of the retina herps.

I'll never know why Cheetahs didn't name their VIP  room "The Piven Cave" in the first place.

Charlize Theron knows how to pick a dress (see: the hot fishnetted work of sophistication she wore to CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night), once climbed naked up Mount ASkars, auditioned for the role of Nomi Malone in Showgirls and is a crafty stoner who can probably make a toilet paper roll sploof in seconds. So because of all of that, Charlize could do no wrong in my eyes until I read this quote from Access Hollywood. Charlize told Access Hollywood that she bonded with Kristen Stewart while shooting Snow White and the Huntsman and now she considers Lip Biter one of her good friends.

“I really, I really, really love that girl. I love that girl, like, I would jump off a building for that girl. She’s amazing, she’s amazing. She’s the real deal… [and] she gives really good back rubs. [Kristen] is the kind of actor that I like to be around because there’s nothing she’d really stop at in order to do the job. She’s got a tremendous amount of talent and, you know, I think you can have talent, but if you don’t have tenacity and moxy… She’s bad ass.”

They totally lezzed out and I'm sure Charlize has had Lip Biter's teeth marks on her labia lips at one point or another. I will not judge Charlize for getting her some KStew, but I will judge her for saying that she would jump off of a building for Kristen Fucking Stewart. Maybe at the time she said it Charlize was stoned into another world where the clouds catch you when you jump off of buildings. Does Charlize realize what happens to you in real life when you jump off of a tall building? You dead. Or you mess yourself up so bad that you end up in the ICU and the nurses there won't let your weed man visit you. And they definitely won't' let you make a bong out of an apple. I don't care if it's a figure of speech, you don't say shit like that about the trick from Twatlight! I swear, I totally misjudged Kristen Stewart's skills. Bitch can munch the crazy right up into you.

People has released their annual World's Most Beautiful Woman issue (known to you and me as the Whose Publicist Agreed To Give People The Most Exclusive Stories And Photo Spreads In Exchange For A Title That Doesn't Mean Shit? issue) and Beyonce beat out the likes of Christina Hendricks, Sofia Vergara and Paula Patton for the crown. Meanwhile, Solange was just named, for the 10th time in a row, the Basement's Most Beautiful Baby by Moth Ball Magazine (subscriber count: 1).

Beyonce used her interview with People to let all of you pillow baby conspiracists know that B.I.C. came directly from her cashmere-covered womb. If you're a South American surrogate living in a Manhattan apartment mysteriously bought by a company called Lace Front Inc., please hold your laughter.

"I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt because I've given birth. I have never felt so connected, never felt like I had such a purpose on this earth.

The best thing about having a daughter is having a true legacy. The word 'love' means something completely different now."

No comment. But I will comment on that cover. I, for one, am glad Beyonce was named the World's Most Beautiful Woman, because if she wasn't we wouldn't see this picture that looks straight out of a Glamour Shots in New Mexico.

And now I leave you with these pictures of Dlisted's Most Beautiful Woman, Auntie Dionne, getting all the numbers in Philadelphia last night.