Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

It's been approximately 3 seconds (aka the length of a quick queef) since Brangelina announced that they're getting hitched and the tabloids are already stirring the fuckery by bringing Jennifer Aniston into this shit. If you thought you had a few days of breathing before the tabloids hit their covers with the headline "JEN PLANS TO CRASH BRAD'S WEDDING! VINCE & OWEN WILL HELP!", you were wrong. Hollywood Life (the "f" is silent) says that Jen isn't handling the news by making a noose out of Beanie Babies carcasses, she's happy for Brangelina and she's even thinking about going to the wedding. Okay, who gave Maddox the number to Hollywood Life and who told him it was okay to a prank a bitch? The source said this mess of words:

“Jennifer is happy for Brad and Angelina. She is so in love with Justin, that she is really grateful how things turned out. In a strange way if it weren’t for Angelina, Jennifer would not have connected with Justin in a romantic way. Jennifer is in a really wonderful place right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she even went to their wedding.”

If there's a wedding, I'm sure Jen will be invited and I'm sure she'll tackle Maddox as he drops rose petals along the aisle. I wish. The chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of my fingers turning into tiny peens (I pray every night for this). Jen isn't going to the wedding, but only because she physically can't since she'll be stuck in a sarcophagus of cookie dough. No, I'm sure Jen will do what we're all going to do. Sit back and watch Angie try to snatch a married Brad away from herself. Let's see how good of a homewrecker she truly is.

In the wise words of New York from Flavor of Love: BEEEE-YON-SAAAAAAAAAAY?!!!!!!

Just like the rapture, the unholy K Hell union of Kim Kardashian and Kanye Kardashian née West was a long time coming and Gay Fish has been patiently waiting for his turn at her urinal cakes ass. An inside source (government name: Pimp Mama Kris) tells UsWeekly that is on a Kuntrashian high and thinks that besides being the reigning emperor and empress of the Illuminati, he and Kim can also be the world's newest power couple. Kanye is telling friends that he's the Jay-Z to Kim's Beyonce. Will the Blue Fairy please make an appearance and turn Beyonce's Blue Ivy decoy doll into a real girl so she can slap the shit out for Kanye for thinking this? The source went on to say that Kanye has been chasing Kim for a while and he's hoping their relationship goes all the way:

"It's not a PR stunt. They're perfect for each other. He thinks she's his Beyonce! Now that Kim has gotten over the Kris drama . . . she sees how much Kanye loves her.

Kim and Kanye's relationship is so fake that if you turned it into liquid form and poured it into a syringe, Kim would inject it into her face without asking if it's FDA approved or not. There's really three hos involved in this completely staged relationship: Kim, Kanye and the one they love the most, ATTENTION! I swear, Pimp Mama Kris is an evil genius and will go down in history as Lucifer's greatest creation.

For once, the "dumb bitch" tag doesn't only apply to a Lohan in this post.

Some woman filed a police report in West Hollywood over the weekend claiming that she's the latest victim to feel the coke-infused wrath of the freckled terror, because she says Lindsay Lohan went after her at The Standard hotel on Thursday night. The woman says she was talking to one of LiLo's dude friends, and LiLo didn't like it so she started shoving and pushing at her ass. Ho says that she's got bruises on her back to prove she was pushed. When TMZ ran this story yesterday, they asked LiLo's spokeswhore for a comment, and of course he gave them a river of denial that only flows out of White Oprah's ass:

"Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame."

Then LiLo later told TMZ that it was impossible for her to push a trick at a club since she was at home watching episodes of Homeland that night.

There are two sides to every story and LiLo has already snorted both of those sides up, so I don't know who to believe. If security footage came out clearly showing LiLo at The Standard, she'd still say, "It wasn't me! It was Axl Rose! Bitches get us confused a lot!," so you can't trust anything that pours of her mouth. That said, there's a history of hos trying to scam the scammer of all scammers, so this supposed victim could be making it all up hoping to get a check.

If LiLo is lying, then that woman learned the hard way to never mess with one of LiLo's johns unless you're okay with scrubbing out coke residue and fake tan grease from the back of your dress after she pushes you out of the way. If the woman is lying, then I am so mad at her for making me side with a Lohan. (Although, the Lohans do have better party favors on their side.)

Huffing several thousand cans of White Rain hairspray has officially turned Michelle Duggar's brain into a magical mound of WTFness that spits out hilariously random facts for our enjoyment. The mother of 19 children and counting sat down for an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (via Jezebel) and was asked her thoughts on people saying that she's sucking up the world's resources by turning her vagina into a popcorn popper. The dull twinkle in Michelle's eye globes while she listened to that question is the same dull twinkle I had in my eye globes when I was rollin' on ecstasy. And the same answer she birthed out of her mouth is the same answer I'd give if I was rollin' on ecstasy. Michelle says that there's not too many people in the world, because if you put all of us shoulder to shoulder, we'd fit in the city limits of Jacksonville, FL.

"Well, first off, the idea of overpopulation is not accurate because, really, the entire population of the world, if they were stood shoulder to shoulder, could fit in the city limits of Jacksonville. So if you realize that aspect of it, we realize we're not anywhere near being overpopulated."

I must've been absent the day they covered this in overpopulation class at Snapple Bottle Cap University, because I did not know this. That fact probably dropped out of Michelle's ass when her 19th kid popped out, but if it is true, then this just confirms that there are too many people in this world! I mean, in a couple of years when most of the earth is covered in water (source: my ass) and the only land left is Jacksonville, FL, we'll all have to stand shoulder to shoulder. Make sure you're standing next to someone hot, because the only thing you'll be able to do is give your neighbor a handjob and maybe nibble the hair of the ho in front of you. That's it.

Let me put it this way, I can probably fit 10 dicks up my ass, but that doesn't make it right. (Note to the dudes who might've read my Craigslist ad looking for ten dicks to shove up my ass at the same time: I didn't mean that last part.)

Michelle then went on to say that her family does everything to keep their carbon footprint to a size 2 by buying everything used and making their own soap and shit. Michelle also thinks that her children will be the ones paying for social security since they will be upstanding citizens of the world while your children be lazy, greedy, government-sucking assholes. Oh, and apparently people from other countries are begging us Americans to pop out more kids, because their death rates are so high and we need to even shit out. And Michelle also dropped this beautiful shiny gem of wisdom:

"I agree with Mother Teresa when she said, 'to say that there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers'"

Hmmm. That's interesting, because I believe it was also the late great Mother Teresa who said: "PUSSY AIN'T A CLOWN CAR, BITCH!"

The globs of smegma I sneeze out during allergy season tells me that yes, there are too many flowers. That all being said, I love Michelle Duggar, because she regularly makes me give birth to 19 lols and counting. I just want to hug Michelle, but that's mostly because I want to create a distraction for her war torn uterus to make its grand escape.

St. Angie's fame whoring leg was almost like the one night stand of memes. We were all pretty much drunk to the fuck on Oscar night, so we dove onto Angie's leg and did things we wouldn't normally do like follow its Twitter and Photoshop it onto Meryl Streep's split chicken. We went wild on that witch's walking stick of a leg. Then when morning came, we were all grossed out by what we did and washed the shame away in a cold shower. Well, now it's back to haunt us thanks to HuffPo. They asked the fame whoring leg's owner what she thought about how most of the world NelsonHaha-ed at her trying so hard she nearly pulled her femur out. Angie has the humor a dried crotch berry and I think my b-hole has pushed out a laugh more than she has, so obviously she's brushing that shit off as frivolousness:

"I honestly didn't pay attention to it. You know what I mean? I don't watch those TV shows and if I go online and see something about myself, I don't click on it. And the people I surround myself with don't really talk about that kind of stuff. [Laughs]. I heard something, but I didn't pay any attention. It's as simple as being a woman picking a dress you like and having a night, and not really thinking about anything else."

So what St. Angie is saying is that she doesn't bother with such trivial ridiculousness, because she's too busy single-handedly saving the lives of every third world orphan, slowly sucking the ever-loving life out of Brad Pitt until he's just a patch of grey pubes covered in tanned skin dust, training a child army to take over the world and nibbling on wisps of air for nourishment? If that's what she's saying, then HO IS LIE-TELLING. You know she spent hours choreographing that STUNT QUEEN move with Maddox and you know she swallowed up that attention like it was a vial of low-cal, sugar-free virgin's blood.

This story from The Sun is so fake that if I chopped it into a fat line and laid it out on a mirror, Kate Moss still wouldn't snort it up. But it did lead me to this gem of Fishsticks Paltrow being the third, deflated, greasy wheel to Kate and Liv Tyler back in the day. Kate is totally saying to Liv: "Maybe if I hand this bitch an 8-ball, she'll GOOP away." Fishsticks is totally saying to Fishsticks: "Duuuuuuurrrrrp."

So, both GOOPY and Kate Moss were guests at the owner of Topshop Sir Philip Green's fancy and extravagant 60th birthday holiday in Mexico last week. Apparently, Kate would rather stay at home with her own child than spend 6 seconds with GOOP and the feeling is mutual. So when GOOPY ran into Kate while jogging along the beach, they tried to out-cunt each other and the hilariously fake altercation went something like this:

Kate: Oi, what you out jogging for?

GOOP: So I don't look like you when I get old!

Kate: Why don't you eat some fucking carbs!

As much as I'd like to believe that GOOP has the power to lighten a ho's skin by shading her so much, this didn't happen. GOOP would never jog on the beach in Mexico, because she's too afraid of running into local poors. GOOP runs on a treadmill in her hotel suite while her slaves hold up Photoshopped pictures of the Mexican playa. And Kate was probably so drunk the entire time that when she did run into Fishy, she thought GOOP was just a soggy coke booger that escaped out of her nose and mutated into human form. It's happened before, I'm sure.

If you put on Hazmat-made goggles and dove into my browser history, you'd find a gutter full of foolery including searches for She-Ra helicopter dildos, a few hits to GOOP (know your enemies) and at least ten millions hits to the porn site Reality Kings. Fuck star Voodoo (born name: Alex Torres), who once got in trouble for skydive fucking, is all over that site, so let's just say that if you lined up a dozen baseball bats, I could tell you which one is his dick. Seriously, you could hit a baseball with it and then use it as a pole vault to launch yourself to second base.

Because Voodoo is a porn star with a peen so large that it can tickle your tonsils and prostate at the same time, it's not surprising that hos will pay top dollar to take a ride on his King Kong thumb dick. But Voodoo entered BITCH, PLEASE territory the other day when he called into The Jim Richards Show on Toronto's Newstalk 1010 (via Radar) and insinuated that Lindsay Lohan paid for his services:

JR: Michael Lohan's coming on the show. What should I ask him?

Voodoo: Um.. Ask him if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs.

JR: Are you joking?

Voodoo: I'm not joking.

JR: You have had relations with Lindsay Lohan?

Voodoo: Um...many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come satisfy them.

JR: Are you joking?!

Voodoo: I'm not joking!

JR: So you've been with Lindsay Lohan?

Voodoo: I'm saying that.

First of all, Michael Lohan wasn't sleeping. Somebody needed to operate the zoom lens on the camera poking out of a hole in the ceiling. Second of all, Voodoo owes White Oprah a new bottle of Grey Goose, because she just spit up the one she had for breakfast from laughing so hard at this shit. Lindsay Lohan doesn't pay for crap, especially dick! The words "Lindsay Lohan" and "paid" go together like the words "Voodoo's dick" and "Situation-sized condom" do. Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore. LiLo doesn't open up her fiery crotchcano unless you fill your hand with a dime bag, a stack of ones, tickets to a fashion show, a spread in Playboy, a cigarette butt, a half empty can of Red Bull, a 10% off coupon for sea jasper, a tube of generic Juvederm or whatever's in the change slot of a pay phone. LiLo might be a cheap whore, but she still gets paid!

Voodoo needs to bite his tongue and if he's unable to do that, his snake monster dick can do it for him, because it can reach.

I find that when the police search my apartment for 8 balls and blocks of sea jasper powder, the last place they check is my Jesus statue, because what kind of dark-sided ungodly motherfucker wants to take a hammer to Jesus? So here's Lindsay Lohan licking on her fentanyl nail polish and flashing her crackie camel toe while shopping for Jesus statues in L.A. yesterday afternoon. You believers out there might be wondering why Jesus didn't pull some divine intervention shit by knocking over that statue on Blohan so she can finally have a seat. Well, Jesus didn't have to do that, because LiLo is finally having a seat on her own.

TMZ says that right after a hookah club manager accused LiLo of Lizzie Grubman-ing him, her "friends" told her to put her messy ass on lockdown until her probation is up in two weeks. LiLo took the advice of her friends and has vowed to only leave her house for community service at the morgue and to shop for Jesus statues. Babies in strollers and the knees of hookah club managers might think that it's safe to go out in the wild again, but they should never underestimate LiLo's fucking up powers. The bitch can fuck up without even trying.

In a couple of days, LiLo will bow her nostrils on her cokey Jesus statue and cleanse her insides by guzzling on the blood of Christ (aka Red Bull) before throwing that can out the window. That can will land on the windshield of a moving car, causing the driver to lose control. The car will clip the back wheel of a stroller sending that baby flying into the air and right into the knee of a hookah club manager. LiLo can cause all of that without leaving her crackie den. Bitch is that good.

You know how Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian a "fucking idiot" and said she and Wonky McValtrex are rewarded by society for being stupid? Of course, Kim Kuntrashian responded to Jon on her Twitter today and tried to sound classy even though she wouldn't know classiness if it shot out of a professional athlete's dick. This is Kim's response to The Hamm:

I just heard about the comment Jon Hamm made about me in an interview. I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone takes the same path in life. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another. Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, “stupid,” is in my opinion careless.

If you wipe the bull shit from that statement and run it through Google Translation (from "Whoreanese" to Truth Talk), here's what comes out:

I heard Jon Hamm's comment about me 3 milliseconds after he said it, because we have this satellite in space that sends a signal to the butt plug up my ass every time a famous person or member of the media says my name! I am a firm believer that everyone should talk about me as much as possible and that not everyone takes the same path in life. But you'd be stupid to not take the same piss-stained path I took, because I'm rich as shit! I don't work at all and I don't even respect myself. I don't run my own businesses, I can't even produce a shit without Ryan Seacrest's help, I don't know how to write, I don't know what the word "design" means and the only thing I've ever created is a new strain of herpes, but I'm still way more rich and famous than Jon Hamm. So Jon Hamm can call me "stupid" as long as he keeps saying my name!

There, fixed.

re·al·i·ty [ree-al-i-tee]
1. the state or quality of being real.
2. resemblance to what is real.
3. something the hos at Sensa need to find a way to turn into crystal form so they can shove it down their mouth holes in ladle fulls, because this is some shit.

This Sensa ad from Star Magazine as scanned by Jezebel is supposed to be that crazy hamster-looking bitch Patti Stanger aka The Millionaire Matchmaker showing off her AMAZING new body. This isn't Patti Stanger's body. This isn't a human's body. This is the body of a knock-off Bratz doll at the 99 Cent store that nobody buys. For three seconds there, I thought this was an action figure based on one of those Shahs of Sunset tricks.

Sensa is supposed to stop your will to eat delicious food when you sprinkle it on your nightly dinner of a deep fried Philly cheesesteak. But if whoever put this ad together uses it, then it obviously stops your brain's will to think. The makers of Sensa need some sensa knocked into them. Who at Sensa thought this ad looked like anything but shameless fuckery? This is some Promise of a New Day shit.

You don't even need to buy Sensa to lose some chunk. The next time you get the urge to swallow a cheeseburger whole, just look at this ad and you'll laugh so hard that your brain will forget you're hungry. You won't want to put anything in your mouth when you're too busy blowing LOLs out of it.

And for comparision, here's a few pictures of Patti in real life with Marc Bouwer at The Heart Truth's Red Dress Collection show in NYC on February 8th. Oh shit, maybe it's Marc Bouwer's body in that jacked up ad above. They should've given his ass credit.