We should all be thankful and grateful that Al Roker has zero filter and will shart up every single gross detail about his life, because if he had a filter he wouldn't have given us the story of 2013. On Dateline last night, Al Roker said that a month after his gastric bypass surgery, he was working an event at the White House when he felt the urge to let out a little butt burp. Al figured he'd just let out the simple fart and wave the evidence away as he walked the other way. But Al's fart bubble brought a wet friend along and the next thing he knew he had a poop party in his panties. Dateline, please come up to the stage and accept your Peabody Award (more like Poopbody Award), because you've topped yourself with this shit:
Al: "When you've had a bypass and your bowels have been reconstructed, you think you're pretty safe and I probably went off and ate something I wasn't supposed to. And as I'm walking to the press room, [I'm thinking] well, I gotta pass a little gas here. I'm walking by myself. Who's gonna know? Only a little something extra came out."
Dr. Nancy: "You pooped in your pants."
Al: "I pooped my pants. Not horribly, but enough that I knew..."
Dr. Nancy: "Which is a common side effect of the surgery..."
Al: "Exactly. And so, I was panicking, so I got to the restroom in the press room, threw out the underwear and went commando."
Shart (in your panties) happens. Al Roker gave us a double gift, because not only do we have the image of him sneakily stuffing his sharted-up chonies in a trash can, but since Star Jones also had gastric bypass surgery, we also have the image of her dropping a surprise caca bomb in her silky drawers. Thank you, Al Roker!
The trailer for The Paperboy (aka the movie I'm hoping is 2012's biggest piece of trash) is finally here, and in case you already forgot what The Paperboy is about, let me remind you that's it's that mess of a movie where Nicole Kidman washes off of a layer of bronzer from Zac Efron's chest by pissing on him. That's all you need to know. There's also a plot in there somewhere, but who gives even one shit about that when you've got Nicole's coochie raining on Zac's face and Zac getting rained on again while swishing his hips in his chonies.
A little warning before you press play. Most of the butchered accents will make you wish Nicole Kidman would piss in your ears so you don't have to hear that crap, but let's focus on the positive like Nicole's white trash skank look. I know I've said this before, but this is the hottest the Australian ice cube has ever looked. She looks like a hybrid of my two favorite True Blood characters: Randi Sue the alley skank and Ginger. Nicole's hot look almost made me forget that her face is completely non-biodegradable. Watch the trailer below if you care:
When Fox announced that they were mashing together NBC's The Voice and The Dating Game by airing a blind date show with celebrities in spinning chairs, I figured that they would take the definition of "celebrity" all the way and blow a star dust storm in our eyes. I'm not wrong! Last night, Entertainment Weekly posted the list of stars who sit and spin for a date on The Choice, and they really reached deep into the A-list universe for this one. And by that I mean they went on their tiptoes, reached into the A-list universe, lost their balance and fell backwards into the bottom of a barrel where they found most of their cast. When Joe Jonas is the biggest star, you know the rest of the cast is going to make the first season of The Surreal Life look like a night at the Oscars.
Here's the full list and prepare to repeatedly say the line White Oprah says to her youngest one (aka the one who doesn't make her any money) when he asks her for a hug: "And you are....?"
Joe Jonas - Former purity ring wearer, sometime yodeler and current blind item star
Pauly D - Jersey Shore whore and #3 on the Health Department's Most Wanted list
Romeo - Child rapper, child actor and the trick who confuses my nipples since he sort of looks like Webster on roids
Dean Cain - Rick Perry supporter and the Superman to Teri Snatcher's Lois
Tyson Beckford - Supermodel and one of the biggest advocates of the Bushy Pubes for Men Club
Rima Fakih - Noted drunk driver and Miss USA 2010
Carmen Electra - A flower from Prince's garden
Sophie Monk - Australian pop something and fellow Wonky McValtrex hater
Rob Kardashian - Ugh
Rocco DiSpirito - Part-time chef, full-time reality whore
Warren Sapp - Football player
Finesse Mitchell - Comedian and former SNL cast member
Jeremy Bloom - Olympic freestyle skier
Jason Cook - Soap opera actor
Michael Catherwood - Co-host of Loveline, former DWTS contestant and the trick whose last name sounds like the medical name for getting a boner while a catheter's up on your peen
Seth Wescott - Olympic snowboarder
Parker Young - The hot but dumb jock son of Ana Gasteyer on Suburgatory
Ndamukong Suh - Football player
Dr. Robert Nettles - Plastic surgeon
Taylor Hicks - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
The Situation - Jersey Shore whore and #1 on the Health Department's Most Wanted list
Rob Gronkowski - Football player
Steven López - Olympic martial arts fighter
Hope Dworaczyk - Playboy Playmate of 2010
See. It's like looking at a line-up of all your one-night stands. So many questions marks filling your head!
You know who's missing from this, though? JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT! The Choice is something right out of her Vajazzled wet dreams. It was made for her. Was Fox afraid that there wouldn't be any men for the other tricks, because every time one came out, JLove would tackle him and secure him with a tuxedo straitjacket before dragging him to the nearest chapel? Did legal not clear JLove, because they were afraid of all the accessory to stalking lawsuits they'd be hit with? Oh, whatever. JLove doesn't need to be on the show to catch a man. During every taping, JLove will hide around the corner from the studio exit door with a rope in her hand. Whenever she smells a man, she'll drop the rope and a cage will fall on him. SCORE! JLove never gets a husband, but she ALWAYS gets her man.
It's been much too long since I've had my fix of watching totally fake man hookers have totally fake sex with totally fake clients who are really paid soft-core porn actresses, but the dry spell is over! 90s hot piece turned meth-faced crypt keeper turned TV show producer Richard Grieco made my nipples wink by announcing to TV Guide that Showtime's Gigolos is coming back for a third season. If you know nothing about Gigolos, then the only thing you need to know that it's a supposed reality show about Las Vegas man whores who sell their peens to women only. Just like Marky Mark's dick in Boogie Nights, it's fake, but it's glorious!
Richard said that Jimmy, the hooker whore on the far left who wore a dick cage for a client last season, isn't coming back, because he thought he was the star of that mess. Vin Armani, the Dollar Tree version of Vin Diesel next to Jimmy, is also being phased out. Richard also said that some of the peen peddlers will go gay for pay next season. John Travolta, call your agent, girl!
The only thing that matters is that my Brace the Face is back. And since it will be Gigolos' third season, they should really amp shit up by bringing on some star power. The third season needs a simulated fuck scene between Brace the Face and Tan Mom. A match made in burn cream heaven! Speaking of burn cream, they could totally use some as pussy lube.
I've fapped while watching a pork rind and a piece of salmon jerky slowly shrivel into crisps inside of a microwave set to high, so watching Brace the Face and Tan Mom would send me over the edge. Make this happen, Richard Grieco!
Fox is showing NBC that they aren't the only ones who can use NASA-created high-powered technology to make chairs turn the other way like your office chair when a Kardashian pops up on your computer screen. Fox can do that too and they'll do it in their new dating show which is like what would plop on the sheets if The Voice and The Dating Game had really messy butt sex.
Fox's The Choice is just like The Voice, but instead instead of the four "celebrities" looking for singing voices, they'll be looking for possible genitals to hump on. The four celebrities will be put in swivel chairs with their backs against the stage and a bunch of "sexy singles" describe themselves. If the piece's descriptions makes the celebrity's ears tingle, he or she will pull a "love handle" (I can't with that either) and find themselves face-to-face with their possible date. If more than one celebrity turns around, the trick will get to pick who they want to get with. Once each celebrity has three possible dates on their team, all teams will move to the "Speed Choice" round. In the second round, each contestant will have a few seconds to tell the celebrity why they should be picked. At the end of that round, each celebrity will get rid of one ho. In the final round, the show's host Cat Deeley will ask each trick a question and afterward the celebrity will pick which trick they want to go on a date with. And that's how true love is born!
Fox hasn't released the names of the celebrities that will be on this mess, but I'm sure it will be filled with twinkling bright stars of the A-list universe. Keeping that in mind, I've come up with my own wish list:
Maxwell Drew Johnson
The cock king of Hancock Park Norwood Young
Chicken Cutlets (Phoebe Price or an actual plate of chicken cutlets, I'm not picky)
Ceiling Eyes' mom
That tap dancing politician who got caught trying to look for hard dick in the bathroom
Not The Baby from Dinosaurs
Sheree from The Real Brokewives of Neverland
And last, but not least the Asian Snooki from MTV's PG-13 rated version of Bang Bus that was NEXT!
Scientists studying the ongoing mating rituals of the North American sasquatch will have to get research footage from other sources, because Lamar Odom has killed E!'s Khloe & Lamar by pulling out of that mess to focus on saving his basketball career. The Dallas Mavericks pretty much put Lamar on the curb after his worst season ever and so he's trying to up his chances of getting traded to another team by dropping the reality shit show baggage he brought to the Mavericks.
TMZ says that Khloe & Lamar's second season will be its last. Their source says that Lamar is working with new trainers full-time in L.A. and doesn't want to be bothered by having to fulfill his contractual obligations with E! by letting Khloe dry mount him on camera several times a day. But Lamar isn't completely free from the clutches of Ryan Seacrest's evil-making troll claws. Lamar will still be on Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians every now and again.
It's always a good day when the Kuntrashian fame whore machine weakens, but Lamar is still in danger, girl. Lamar's game isn't down because of the cameras. Lamar's game is down because when he goes to sleep at night, Pimp Mama Kris slithers out of the closet and feeds her black demon heart by sucking the life blood out of him through the artery in his taint. (Yes, we have taint arteries. I just tapped at mine.) PMK did it to Bruce Jenner and she's doing it to Lamar too. Run, Lammy, ruuuuun.
But seriously, Khloe looks like the Edward Munster of the family, but she's actually the Marilyn. Who knew that a Kardashian would actually choose the happiness of her husband over the cameras? If that doesn't say (in Maury's voice) "Robert Kardashian, you are not the father," then I don't know what does.
And here's Khloe, Kim and Lamar handing the same ball while shooting scenes for Khloe & Lamar in his hometown of Jamaica, Queens on Friday.
If one of your wishes in life is to see a freshly waxed chimpanzee with a lisp have a roid-induced stroke while getting anally electrocuted with a taser wand as he tries to jack off with two paws, then it is your lucky day, because this video is the closest you will ever get to fulfilling that wish.
At the end of an episode of Vh1's reality game show Ton of Cash, The Greek Mystique (who is obviously still pissed that he didn't get cast in the role of The Situation on Jersey Shore) was eliminated and he handled that shit with grace and dignity by reciting a line from Rocky Balboa before flipping into a full-blown gorilla rage meltdown. Dude's neck veins tried to bust out on their own and the sound that came out of his mouth is the same sound you'd hear from a pimple being popped if it had vocal cords. Vh1 is a helluva drug.
You might have already tasered your remaining brain cells last night by reading this bedtime story from TMZ, but in case you haven't it's perfect for breakfast times too! Just make sure you directly inject Four Loko into your skull before reading so you fully understand what they're saying. During the premiere of Sarah Palin's TLC reality show on Sunday night, 16-year-old Willow Palin and Bristol got into a Facebook brawl of words with two dudes they went to school with.
One dude named Tre fired the first shot when he wrote: "Sarah Palin's Alaska, is failing so hard right now." And we're off. Willow threw around the word "faggot", called another dude "so gay" and then said that everybody was just jealous of her family's success. The most surprising thing is that Willow didn't write "U loooser H8RS r just jellis!!!!1!!!". It's like I don't even know our kids today. That's where the "injecting Four Loko into my skull" part comes in.
If you really don't want to step back into a high school quad by reading the whole mess, here's a few highlights. Emphasis on "high" since it's best if you're high while reading it:
Matt: not as fat as Bristol, and not dating a dumbass prick like almond, The only program I enjoyed from your family is Nailin' Palin
Matt: Its on TLC The Last Channel I'd ever fucking watch in my life
Willow: Haha your so gay. I have no idea who you are. But what I've seen pictures of, your disgusting... My sister has a kid and is still hot And don't talk shit about Andy
Willow: Tre stfu. Your such a faggot.
Matt: I'll talk shit about Andy 24/7 he's backed down before, he'll do it again. and she had that baby? By the looks of it I thought she was still pregnant, my bad
Matt: Well you know its bad when you take a picture with the situation and your the grenade.
Willow: Sorry that all you guys are jealous of my families success and you guys aren't goin to go anywhere with your lives
Yeah, I'm going to need William Shatner to dramatically recite this shit.
The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn't been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump's gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it's a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn't know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here's the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:
Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles' confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying "Fly" song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist's nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds' ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy's best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber's future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask....
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas '08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.
Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn't sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.
When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump's hair and one of Gary Busey's Chiclets. I can't wait.
The stars of TLC's newest human circus show Sister Wives are being investigated by Utah police for possibly committing felony bigamy. Utah should spend their money investigating and shutting down the company that farted out those dark-sided sandals, but that's just my opinion.
The police in Lehi, Utah admitted to People that they opened up an investigation into the lives of Kody Brown, his four wives (Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn) and their 13 kids after promos of the show started running. Kody is only legally married to his first wife Meri.
Once the police finish up the investigation, they will hand it over to the Utah County Attorney's Office who will decide whether or not to pursue charges of bigamy in the third-degree.
In a statement to TMZ, the Browns said that they knew the show would bring their asses some heat, but they decided to do it anyway$:
"We are disappointed in the announcement of an investigation, but when we decided to do this show, we knew there would be risks. But for the sake of our family, and most importantly, our kids, we felt it was a risk worth taking."
If these 4 sisters wives are okay with sharing the same dick, then open the door and let them. If they are fine with searching for an empty slot on the "Sexy Times With Kody" schedule posted on the fridge door, then have it! If they are okay with begging Kody for a few quarters to go and buy a new pair of hideous sandals, then more power to them.
Besides, those 4 have already been punished. They're the ones who have to deal with Kody's creepy ass on a daily basis. I mean, Kody looks like he smiles like a clown when he jacks off. That's not right.