Shit Shows

If one of your wishes in life is to see a freshly waxed chimpanzee with a lisp have a roid-induced stroke while getting anally electrocuted with a taser wand as he tries to jack off with two paws, then it is your lucky day, because this video is the closest you will ever get to fulfilling that wish.

At the end of an episode of Vh1's reality game show Ton of Cash, The Greek Mystique (who is obviously still pissed that he didn't get cast in the role of The Situation on Jersey Shore) was eliminated and he handled that shit with grace and dignity by reciting a line from Rocky Balboa before flipping into a full-blown gorilla rage meltdown. Dude's neck veins tried to bust out on their own and the sound that came out of his mouth is the same sound you'd hear from a pimple being popped if it had vocal cords. Vh1 is a helluva drug.

Source: Boston Barstool Sports via The Daily What

You might have already tasered your remaining brain cells last night by reading this bedtime story from TMZ, but in case you haven't it's perfect for breakfast times too! Just make sure you directly inject Four Loko into your skull before reading so you fully understand what they're saying. During the premiere of Sarah Palin's TLC reality show on Sunday night, 16-year-old Willow Palin and Bristol got into a Facebook brawl of words with two dudes they went to school with.

One dude named Tre fired the first shot when he wrote: "Sarah Palin's Alaska, is failing so hard right now." And we're off. Willow threw around the word "faggot", called another dude "so gay" and then said that everybody was just jealous of her family's success. The most surprising thing is that Willow didn't write "U loooser H8RS r just jellis!!!!1!!!". It's like I don't even know our kids today. That's where the "injecting Four Loko into my skull" part comes in.

If you really don't want to step back into a high school quad by reading the whole mess, here's a few highlights. Emphasis on "high" since it's best if you're high while reading it:

Matt: not as fat as Bristol, and not dating a dumbass prick like almond, The only program I enjoyed from your family is Nailin' Palin

Matt: Its on TLC The Last Channel I'd ever fucking watch in my life

Willow: Haha your so gay. I have no idea who you are. But what I've seen pictures of, your disgusting... My sister has a kid and is still hot And don't talk shit about Andy

Willow: Tre stfu. Your such a faggot.

Matt: I'll talk shit about Andy 24/7 he's backed down before, he'll do it again. and she had that baby? By the looks of it I thought she was still pregnant, my bad

Matt: Well you know its bad when you take a picture with the situation and your the grenade.

Willow: Sorry that all you guys are jealous of my families success and you guys aren't goin to go anywhere with your lives

Yeah, I'm going to need William Shatner to dramatically recite this shit.

And I'm hoping Matt and Willow co-host a liveblog of Dancing with the Scars finale next week since Bristol's ass made it. The full fight is after the jump if you dare. JUMP!!!

The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn't been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump's gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it's a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn't know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here's the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:

Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles' confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying "Fly" song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist's nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds' ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy's best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber's future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask....
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas '08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.

Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn't sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.

When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump's hair and one of Gary Busey's Chiclets. I can't wait.

The stars of TLC's newest human circus show Sister Wives are being investigated by Utah police for possibly committing felony bigamy. Utah should spend their money investigating and shutting down the company that farted out those dark-sided sandals, but that's just my opinion.

The police in Lehi, Utah admitted to People that they opened up an investigation into the lives of Kody Brown, his four wives (Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn) and their 13 kids after promos of the show started running. Kody is only legally married to his first wife Meri.

Once the police finish up the investigation, they will hand it over to the Utah County Attorney's Office who will decide whether or not to pursue charges of bigamy in the third-degree.

In a statement to TMZ, the Browns said that they knew the show would bring their asses some heat, but they decided to do it anyway$:

"We are disappointed in the announcement of an investigation, but when we decided to do this show, we knew there would be risks. But for the sake of our family, and most importantly, our kids, we felt it was a risk worth taking."

If these 4 sisters wives are okay with sharing the same dick, then open the door and let them. If they are fine with searching for an empty slot on the "Sexy Times With Kody" schedule posted on the fridge door, then have it! If they are okay with begging Kody for a few quarters to go and buy a new pair of hideous sandals, then more power to them.

Besides, those 4 have already been punished. They're the ones who have to deal with Kody's creepy ass on a daily basis. I mean, Kody looks like he smiles like a clown when he jacks off. That's not right.

If you're a soon-to-be bride who dreams of the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with lifting your veil at the altar before shouting "HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?", then this is the show that was tailor-made just for you! The Hollywood Reporter says that E! has swallowed a giant shot of The Swan, chased it with a bottle full of Bridezilla and barfed out a new show called Bridalplasty. America, pat yourself on the devil horns, because you've done it again!

Here's the description for this mess which sounds like a bridal shower co-hosted by Jocelyn Wildenstein and Heidi Montag:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her "wish list." She's given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week's episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show's description, "possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride."

The last bride standing will receive a "dream wedding," where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. "Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery," E! said.

Celebrity surgeon Terry Dubrow (Fox's infamous "The Swan") will lend his expertise to the procedures, and celebrity bride Shanna Moakler (wife of Blink-182's Travis Barker) will host.

Giuliana Rancic executive produces the show, as do Mark Cronin and Cris Abrego of 51 Minds, the company behind VH1's "The Surreal Life" and "Rock of Love" franchises.

HAHAHAHAHA! You know at the end of every episode of The Swan when homegirl breaks down into tears of happiness because her low self-esteem has finally been buried by a mound of silicone, collagen and other non-biodegradable materials? Well, it's going to be like that except the tears are going to come from the groom and they won't be tears of happiness. The groom is going to eat his own eyes, because the woman he has fallen in love with now looks like a Julie Masking impersonator.

I really can't wait. I feel like I've already caught the bouquet (made out of the bride's old face).

TLC has run out of BABIES!!!, little people, cupcakes and wedding dresses to throw at us, so now they are sending us a hurricane of WIVES!!! Okay, Sister Wives has a lot of babies in it, but it mostly focuses on some dork named Kody Brown (I rest my case) and his 3 (going on 4) wives in Utah.

While watching this mess of a preview, my first thought was that the Tina Yothers-looking wife at the 0:27 mark really knows how to wear a 90s nurse's smock. And then my second thought was that once Kate Gosselin's shows get taken out back, she's totally going to cross over into this shit by becoming Kody Brown's fifth wife.

Or maybe Jon Gosselin will become so hard up for a check that he's going to tuck it in and stick his titties out to become Kody's fifth wife. Yeah, that's probably how it's going to play out.

via The Awl

If this is what The X-Factor is going to be like all season, then I need to run a cable from the UK through the Atlantic Ocean and directly into my TV, because this priceless shit is what entertainment is made of. During last night's show, Simon Cowell said best friends Abby and Lisa had the worst attitudes of any contestant on any of his shows. So you know if these twin female Pugsleys make Simon's titty milk go sour, they are a new amazing breed of FUCKING VILE. And they are!

Their "singing" will make you want to punch yourself in the ear holes with a hot curling iron, but what follows will immediately heal your wounds. The new equation is: WHO ARE YOU? + a fist to the face = the real X factor.

And it looks like these two punch each other in the faces all the time.

Jizz is normally a major selling point when choosing which movie to see, but apparently not in this case. People would rather spend time with Bow Wow, oven roasted torsos and peen-eating piranhas than Jason Bateman's sneaky man chowder. According to Box Office Mojo, The Switch (aka Friends: The One Where Rachel Green Romances A Turkey Baster) opened at #8 this weekend with $8.1 million. Jennifer Aniston better bury her Blackberry deep inside her stuffed Garfield collection, because Maddox's HAHAHA text bomb campaign is going to begin any minute now.

This is the estimated top ten movies at the box office this weekend from Box Office Mojo.

1. The Expendables, $16.5 million ($5,046 per screen)
2. Vampires Suck, $12.2 million ($3,774 per screen)
3. Eat Pray Love, $12 million ($3,082 per screen)
4. Lottery Ticket, $11.1 million ($5,639 per screen)
5. The Other Guys, $10.1 million ($2,909 per screen)
6. Piranha 3D, 10 million ($4,063 per screen)
7. Nanny McPhee Returns, $8.3 million ($2,985 per screen)
8. The Switch, $8.1 million ($4,026 per screen)
9. Inception, $7.7 million ($3,188 per screen)
10. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, $5 million ($1,785 per screen)

As much as I would love to ask for one ticket to the movie that has the most sperm in it, my ass is going to go see the movie about the hongray piranha that chomps on dick for fun. No, not Salt! The other one!

Here's the trailer for Joaquin Phoenix's mockumentary "I'm Still Here," which is basically hardcore porn for lice and scabies.This mess is one full minute of mangy Joaquin running around while an elder hobo rattles on about mountain top water drops and streams and shit. This pepaw is actually comparing Joaquin to a crystal clear drop of Sparkletts! Pepaw's doctor needs to up his prescription, because that's straight-up crazy talk. It sounds like pepaw snatched that shit out of the pages of Joy Luck Club.

Joaquin might be a mountain top water drop after its journey down the hill gets cut short when it runs into a giant mound of deer shit covered in thirsty maggots. But that's it! Joaquin isn't a mountain top water drop! He needs to cleanse his stank in a shower of mountain top water drops mixed with Ammonia and extra-strength RAID.

Dear Showgirls, Glitter, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and Coyote Ugly, spray a little Jean Nate on your wet parts, because you've got company. Hopefully.

There might be a new piece of sequins-covered caca to enjoy on Starz at 3am when the only thing you need to keep down the drunk barfs is a big bowl of shit acting with a cup of body glitter. This is the new trailer for Burlesque, the movie where Xtina plays a small town girl in a gutter ass wig who moves to Hollywood to pursue her dream of becoming a superstar singer. Xtina's character gets a job as a janitor or some shit at a burlesque club owned by Julie Masking (played by Cher's wax figure on loan from Madame Tussauds).

We all know how it's going to end. Xtina's going to realize that her soul can't handle Hollywood because it's a town that "swallows you up and spits you out." So Xtina, Cher and Alan Cumming will all pile into a blue convertible and travel cross country to compete in a drag show in NYC.

And not only can I not wait to see if Burlesque is bad enough to join the legendary works of art I listed above, but I also can't wait to see the inevitable stage version performed by a bunch of drag queens Off-Off-Off-Off-Broadway.

via Moviefone