Good Shit

This is what Janet Charlton is saying anyway. Janet says that everybody needs to stop calling Jake Gyllenhaal "Jake Gayllenhaal" or Toothy Tile, because she has it on good authority that he doesn't like a hard peen on his tongue. According to Janet, he prefers a bong on his tongue instead. Janet says this is the real reason why his relationship with Reese Witherspoon didn't work out. From Janet:

"At last the truth comes out. An acquaintance of Reese and Jake acknowledges that they were very smitten with each other for quite awhile and seemed perfectly matched. Unfortunately, Jake had a habit that Reese could not live with, and he wouldn’t give it up. He smoked way too much. And we’re not talking nicotine here. Not only did it rub Reese the wrong way, but she worried about her children being exposed to his bad habits. So, regretfully, she moved on. Note: those of you who insist that Jake is gay are NUTS."

NUTS? Kind of like what Jake likes on his.....Okay, I'll shut my fingers about that already! No more of that shit. Janet would never tell a lie, so I will update my files to say that Jake is straighter than a quick trip to the outhouse (copyright: some hillbilly who said that to me outside of a gas station in Tennessee)! And if Jakey ever needed a quit hit, I'd gladly let him take one off my bong. Anytime!

Chace Crawford might become somebody's purdy purdy prison wife soon! Probably. But not really. TMZ reports that Ed Westwick's lip gloss applier was busted with one singular teensy weensy joint in the parking lot of Ringo's Pub in Plano, Texas a little after 12 this morning. The only thing that's better than getting caught with a little join in the parking lot of Ringo's in Plano is if you're in a Camaro and Skynrd is playing on the AM radio.

A source tells TMZ that Chace was in the car with a friend when cops found the unlit joint. They arrested and charged him with possession of marijuana. Chace paid his bail and now he's freeeee!

When you're giving a beej to a hot piece in the back of a car parked outside of Ringo's and the cops roll up, spit that dick out of your mouth and get rid of that joint! Swallow the joint whole or shove it up your no-no. Doesn't Chace know anything?! But I'll stop yelling at him, because it's obvious that he suffered police brutality.

I mean, look at those 5 o'clock brows. The cops didn't give him a pair of tweezers to clean up his brow situation in the bathroom before taking his mug shot. You can tell Chace is hating life because of it too. There's nothing worse than getting caught with your eyebrow game not in check.

STONER LOVE ALERT! Maybe.

Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves, who did acting stuff together in The Devil's Advocate and that Dying Young knock-off, gave each other hugs and kisses after leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills last night. At one point while they were waiting for their cars, Charlize slipped her hand in Keanu's jacket. Oh, I'm sure bitch was just trying to steal his wallet or snatch his last joint. It doesn't mean anything.

Even this video from TMZ of Charlize and Keanu hugging and kissing doesn't prove that they are High Times Magazine's IT couple of the year. Eating a pot brownie in the bathroom of a restaurant will cause you to hug anything from a fire extinguisher to a Bush to a hobo wearing a scarf (aka Keanu Reeves).

Meanwhile in a crazy house somewhere in Canada, Karen Sala is gnawing on her straitjacket in between screaming about how Shape-Shifter Keanu Reeves has struck again!

There's a reason for why Billy Goat Brad looks like the town homeless stoner who lives in a shopping cart house behind Kroger's and is always bothering you for a cigarette or a quarter. No, Brad is not playing the Jeff Bridges role in the sequel to Crazy Heart called Crazier Heart. Brad says he's keeping Mo'Nique's thigh hair on his chin, because he's booooooooooooored.

At the after party in London for the movie Kick-Ass, The Sun claims they spoke to Brad as he smoked on Marlboro Reds and drank a Guinness. They asked him about the infamous puss nest on his chin, and he said, "It's boredom. No other reason than that."

Brad is raising 456 kids (give or take a few), building all these houses in New Orleans, acting in movies, is solely responsible for making sure St. Angie's halo stays shiny, and yet he's still bored?! That makes sense.

I think what he's trying to say is that he loves nothing more than to kiss his bong and then sit in front of the bathroom mirror to watch the follicles on his chin slowly grow. It's the simple things, says the stoner.

I've never ever felt the urge to flick my nipples while thinking about Michael Buble, but his ex-girlfriend is making a strong case for him.

Tiffany Bromley, an ex-model turned wigmaker (that's what I want to be in my next life), tells the News of the World that Michael Buble only cares about three things: sex, cannabis and cake. CORRECTION, Tiffany. 99% of the world only cares about three things: sex, cannabis and cake. Those are the three magic words you must repeat when trying to get into the back room in heaven.

Tiffany says that not only does Michael's fantasy include smoking a joint while fucking a triple layer cake with extra frosting, but he also loves to vomit up curse words any chance he gets. And Michael brags about his perfect penis all the time. Tiffany ended with, "It was part of Michael's routine to smoke late at night. Then he always got hungry. He'd raid the hotel mini-bar and eat three or four Snickers bars in one go - plus pistachios, peanuts, sweets and liquorice. He had an enormous appetite. He was quite immature too and threw schoolboy tantrums at people if he didn't get his own way. We had several rows where he'd blow up over nothing then he crawl back like a weak, whimpering child, saying something like, 'Sorry, I'm an asshole.' "

So Michael is a cocky stoner who is addicted to fucky times and gets erect whenever he sees Little Debbie's face? Basically, Michael Buble is a John Mayer for the Hostess Twinkie set. SIGN ME UP!

via news.com.au

And by "on fiyah," I mean baaaaaaaked for days. Leave her on the windowsill to cool and then put some frosting on her head.

This is a short but sweeeeet (to be read in a nachos-scented Tommy Chong voice) interview Mimi gave at the Palm Springs Film Festival earlier this week. This was before she displayed acts of drunkery/stonery on stage at the PSFF and the People's Choice Awards.

In this clip, Mimi talks about the mermaid room in her house while trying not rip apart the dozens of Spanx wrapped around her body by falling into a stoner coma right there on the red carpet. Someone has been hot boxin' in the limo....

I'm guessing that the centerpiece of Mimi's mermaid room is this beautiful work of art:

Michael Phelps will be right over. Keep the bowl full.

This is a 50-year-old clip of Marilyn Monroe hanging out with two butchies and smoking what they say is a joint filled with the good shit. The person who took the video recently sold it to a Marilyn collector for around $275,000. The video taker, who wants to remain anonymous, told Reuters, "I got it (the pot). It was mine. It was just passed around. It was not a party. It was just a get-together. You know, come over and hang out."

Marilyn could be puffing on a rolled cigarette, but let's just believe it's a delicious marijuana peenus. That way I can spend the rest of my night trying to come up with stoner titles for all her movies. Examples: All About Weed, Gentlemen Prefer Bongs, Let's Make It Legal, The Seven Year Toke, etc...etc...

(Thanks Susan)

In the Daily Mirror today, they have an item about how friend to all Daniel Radcliffe got oral with a delicious paper penis filled with the good shit. And he swallowed. THIS IS NEWS.

While at a party in London, DanRad took several deep drags from a joint, which caused him to break out into a fit off non-stop giggles. DanRad was so deep in a green fog that he let some girl draw a stache on his face. A girl who witnessed DanRad's acts of stonery said this, "Daniel was laughing and seemed to find it funny. But he didn't really look like he knew what was going on. I was surprised by his behavior. He is a kids' favorite. I'm not sure what his fans will make of it. Daniel looked spaced out and away with the fairies. He didn't want us to recognize him. When I said he looked like that actor in Lord of the Rings [Elijah Wood], he got a bit funny and said, 'No, that's not me'. He looked pretty uncomfortable."

Before leaving, DanRad turned to the other partygoers and proclaimed, "I LOVE WEEEEEED!"

Laughing until you've got cotton mouth? Humping on gay ass fairies? Letting someone jizz on you with a Sharpie? Declaring your heart is full now that you've found your soulmate (weed)? Yup, that pretty much sums up my first time too. It sounds like Harry Potter got his weed cherry popped.

A few anti-drug campaigners are shaking their fists at 22-year-old Joss Stone after she told Star Magazine that weed is not a drug and that EVERYONE smokes it. If you have a baby at home, you better check on them, because they are probably smoking your stash in the bathroom. Tell them to get their own! Actually, does "everyone" include animals too, because my dog has been laughing at my dumb jokes lately. Anyway, here's what Joss had to say. She probably swallowed a bong right before she spoke:

"I smoke weed, but I don’t think it’s really a drug. It’s more of a herb. I don’t regret saying that at all. I think everyone smokes weed and people who say they don’t are lying! Weed has been given this evil stamp, but how is it dangerous? It’s going to make you laugh your arse off? You might go to sleep? I think alcohol is much more harmful. People beat the fuck out of each other on alcohol.

But I don’t smoke weed all day long. I live in Devon and hardly ever go to clubs. When I do, I’ll drink three or four beers then move on to a vodka. I don’t want to take all those horrible drugs. Although some sound fun, so I might dabble now and then!"

Come to think of it, Joss Stoner is right. Whenever I get a drop of booze on my tongue, I get the intense urge to kick a bitch in the butt bone or slap a trick in their teefs. I thought it was because I was a terrible person, but now I know it's due to the sweet nectar hitting my veins.

And the good shit never does that to me. Although, I think it caused me to put a tub of ice cream in the oven. It also might be the reason why I fell asleep with a peen on my forehead once.

Source: Daily Mail

Snoop Dogg, who I'm pretty sure is technically still married, got down with some greasy piece at the VIP Room in St. Tropez last night. You know, I don't blame Miss Crisco Hair for dry fucking on Snoop, because my nipples tingle for him. WELL, he kind of reminds me of Adrien Brody (No, I'm not still drunk...I think). It must be the Afghan Hound face. AND, you know Snoop's peen hole blows the good shit smoke. Snoop's dick is like a bong. So that's why that trick is getting up on that. IN THIS ECONOMY, you have to get your high anyway you can can!

Here's more pictures of Snoop partying with his puss o' the night and Usher last night. Also, is that Jon Gosselin in the third to the last thumbnail? Dude is always in it! Wherever there's available snatch, there's Jon!