Bitch Goes Down

Before hitting play, you might want turn your speakers all the way down or staple your ear flaps to your face, because the dramatic ass paparazzo screeching out "You dropped Johnny!" til his tonsils fell off could wake a Lohan from her drunk coma.

Fresh off of pissing people off with his rape comment, Johnny Depp took on the drunk celebrity obstacle course in Hollywood as he left some restaurant called 25 Degrees the other night. Johnny made it out the door (1 point), scribbled out an autograph (2 points), got bro hugged to the ground by some Gallagher looking ho (-3 points), got back up (3 points) and then kept on signing his name like his nalgas just didn't eat sidewalk (20 points!!!!). You can't keep a drunk Johnny down! But the most impressive part of Johnny Herp Derp's tanked bitch stroll to the SUV is that not once did he shove his BIC down that pap's mouth to stop the fake scream madness. If there's such a thing as beer goggles, there must be such a thing as beer plugs and Johnny definitely has them shoved in his ear holes.

Johnny eventually got into his SUV and showed everyone he was okay by doing the heroin tap and the fisting an imaginary asshole salute! And no, I'm not entirely convinced that this isn't John Mayer.

via Gossip Cop

Above is somebody's Romanian grandmama straight-up falling out of her good shoes after trying to conquer two tiny steps and losing. Below is everyone's least favorite long-donged douchehole eating floor with his butt during a show in Indianapolis last night. Watch and compare:

The Chris Brown one is making me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA until my keyboard goes hoarse. Watching Chris slip and bust his ass feels like two tiny kittens hugging my eyeballs. What a beautiful sight. The only way this could've been better is if the falling satellite played the role of Chris Brown's ass and Chris Brown's head played the role of the stage floor during a reenactment of this minutes later.

The other video, I refuse to laugh at. I REFUSE! I have been trained to swallow down any laugh crawling up my throat over a granny going BOOM. My abuelita once crashed through a screen door and the first thing she did after adjusting her control-top hose was to check to make sure that not even a sliver of a smile was on my face. So I must not laugh at this Romanian memaw's hair cape hilariously flying through the air as she does the twist onto the floor. This is a setup and I will not fall for this trick!

That being said, all points go to the Tumbling Romanian Grandma!

via Best Week Ever & TMZ

Instead of watching the throne, Kanye West watched the world turn upside down when he slipped, fell and went both legs up at a show in Norway during All of the Lights (more like All of the HAHAHAHAHAHAs). You'd think that since Kanye can walk on water, he'd be able to walk on floor without his ass eating stage. Those wings that pop out of his shoulder blades and that halo on his head failed the fuck out of him.

There are so many "Imma let you fall" jokes and so little time. But it's true. Beyonce really did have the greatest fall of all time.

via ONTD & Buzzfeed

At last night's CMT Awards in Nashville, Shania Twain was inducted into the Bitch Goes Down Hall of Fame with the likes of Beyonce, Joe Jonas, Michelle Williams, Lady CaCa, Scarlet, JLo and Mimi when her feet failed her and her knees paid the price ("I feel your pain." - my knees to Shania's knees). Detective La Toya better get on this case and see if Shania's former best friend/life ruiner has an alibi.

Shania got her shit back up, laughed about it and later recorded a video response to her fall where she said: "I just made a complete fool of myself and experienced one of life's most embarrassing moments. I don't need a stunt double. I didn't hurt myself. I have a bit of a sore thumb -- that's it. I'm gonna auction off those shoes. I'm gonna get rid of them as soon as I can. I never want to see those shoes again!"

Just like "losing a game of Russian Roulette to a dog while fucked up on moonshine" (that story, ugh), falling happens to the best of us. Shania handled it with grace and I'm sure when she says she's going to auction those shoes she really means she's going to donate them to professional stilt walker Suri Cruise who would never let a pair of sky high heels bitch slap her like that.

Here's more of Shania pre and post fall with her fiance Frédéric Thiébaud and Selena Gomez's scissor partner.

Okay, maybe just one comment: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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via ONTD

Warner Bros. TV has officially turned the highest-paid actor in television into the most annoying warlock crackhead in line at the unemployment office. They have snatched the winning hash tag out of Charlie Sheen's hands by writing "DUH! BUH BYE" in sloth blood on his pink slip. The "maggot trolls" of Warner Bros. issued this statement:

"After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on Two and a Half Men effective immediately."

Charlie continued to sound like he writes Choose Your Own Adventure novels in his spare time when he spewed out his response:

"This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension."

Can Charlie continue to use "winning" even when he's been fired by CBS, fired by sanity, fired by his publicist, fired by Brooke Mueller, and fired (for a quick second) by Bree Olson?

CBS hasn't said whether or not Two and a Half Men will continue to terrorize, but I see no reason to put Jon Cryer and that kid out of a job. They should do what the producers of Valerie's Family did when Valerie Harper quit that bitch: HIRE SANDY DUNCAN! If anybody can save a show, it's Sandy Duncan! One and a Half Men Plus SANDY DUNCAN! Add it to your Tivo wish list just in case.

CSI made the children cry when they killed the reason for their coos this past Thursday night, and now this! Justin Bieber was voted MVP at the NBA All-Star Jam Session in L.A. on Friday night, but he almost didn't win that honor(?) because Common nearly trampled his ass on the court. Call Bieber Protective Services, because this is definitely toddler abuse. Bieber is as fragile as the wings on a Precious Moments figurine and the producers of CBS dramas and the organizers of charity events need to realize this! We should really put Justin in a plastic bubble to protect him from shit like this forever. John Travolta knows what I'm talking about.

Ivana Trump (62)
Rihanna (23)
Lauren Ambrose (33)
Jay Hernandez (33)
Brian Littrell (36)
k-os (39)
Andrew Shue (44)
Lili Taylor (44)
Cindy Crawford (45)
French Stewart (47)
Charles Barkley (48)
Patty Hearst (57)
Anthony Head (57)
Poison Ivy (58)
Peter Strauss (64)
Sandy Duncan (65)
Brenda Blethyn (65)
Mike Leigh (68)
Nancy Wilson (74)
Sidney Poitier (84)
Gloria Vanderbilt (87)

And I love how Martina McBride isn't even trying to move her head to help a fallen Xtina since it took a million prayers from Texas, 6 cans of pink AquaNet, a high-powered fan and a re-worked Bumpit to get her hair looking Designing Women fresh. But yeah, after Xtina's tonsils touched the spotlights above from hollerin' out a roller coaster of musical notes during the tribute to magnificent chichis, she stumbled a bit and her sourdough cheeks nearly ate floor. This comes after Xtina gave THE RAMPARTS shade at the Super Bowl last week.

IT HAPPENS. It happens when you enjoy everything an open bar has to offer and might be hallucinating from inhaling the toxic lead paint fumes wafting off your eyelashes. And it also happens when each one of your titties tries to head for opposite sides of the stage because they can't take the ringing sound in their nipple holes anymore. Clip below:

Everybody in the pit below probably felt like Indiana Jones when the boulder came rolling at his ass. Crisis averted. The real truth is, Xtina stumbled because Aretha Franklin let out a windy "PFFT" after the performance. Chichi voodoo is a real kind of magic!

Yes, I laughed. And then I hit replay and laughed again (repeat 5). But I'm going to get mine in the end (literally, wink wink). Every time I pointed and laughed at the ho kissing pavement with her ass, my karma punch card got stabbed with a BIC pen. When I reach 10 punches, I'm due for an ass fallin'. It's going to come at the worst time too. Like when I'm running to the bathroom after a Saturday 3am quickie. Dumb slut goes boom. Or when I'm walking home with a small bag of delicious tater tots. Dumb slut goes boom, tater tots go splat.

via Gothamist