The Hoff

At last night's MTV EMAs in Berlin, Germany's golden child took the mic and behaved like your drunk boss giving a blundering speech at the company Christmas party while everyone throws him "shouldn't you be setting a good example" side eyes. Seriously, The Hoff was slurring like he just gave oral to a taser gun.

Instead of Kanye snatching the mic from him, The Hoff needed Ken Seeley to come and take him away.

And I feel like we should raise a glass (filled with a non-boozy beverage*, of course) to The Hoff's oh-so-fanceeeeee sequins blazer. It stayed sparkly in such an awkward situation.

*Does a wine cooler count as real alcohol?

VIA Buzzfeed

The Hoff has taken his acts of drunkenness international! While visiting London, The Hoff ended up in the emergency room after going a little too far with the booze. I guess you know you've had too much to drink when a doctor is yelling "CLEAR" in the ER.

The Sun reports that a doctor was called to The Hoff's room at the St. Martins Lane Hotel because he was suffering from the drunk ills in a bad way. The Hoff's inner angry drunk came out when the doctor arrived. Sources say he freaked out and accidentally punched the doctor in the head. Don't hassle The Hoff, especially when the bitch is tanked.

An amublance was called, and The Hoff was shuffled off to a private hospital where he spent 2 days drying out. The source added, "David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him - but mistakenly hit the doctor. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived."

This is the fifth time The Hoff has been admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Although, he has denied it every single time.

The Hoff really needs to spend less time with the sweet nectar (I can't believe I typed that) and more time watching his own videos. Seriously, whenever I need to sober up in a quick second for Sunday morning church, I just watch a few seconds of "Hooked On A Feeling." The booze will immediately evaporate from your bloodstream and your head will be clearer than an exquisite lucite heel.

Oh, and just so you know, no hamburgers were harmed this time.

Once again, The Hoff is shitting on claims that he was taken to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning. The Hoff tells TMZ that it's all just a misunderstanding and he didn't even have one drop of the sweet nectar at all yesterday.

Yesterday, The Hoff's daughter reportedly called her mother because she was afraid that her father swallowed an entire bar and got the drunk ills. An ambulance was called and The Hoff went off to the hospital. That's his ex-wife's story.

According to The Hoff, he wasn't drunk at all, but he was sick due to mixing Antabuse, a drug he takes for his booze problems, and Antivert, a drug he was taking for an ear infection. Mixing the two made him extremely dizzy and he wasn't able to get a hold of his doctor, so the paramedics were called. Once they arrived. they shuffled him off to the hospital, sorted him out and then released him an hour later. That's The Hoff's story.

Okay, you know The Hoff got the ear infection, because he was trying to get drunk by pouring whiskey in his ear (try a vodka tampon next time, Hoff).

That being said, let's just believe The Hoff and say that his 17-year-old daughter must have been the drunk one and got everything wrong. Sarcasm.

An ambulance was called to The Hoff's Encino home yesterday afternoon, because his daughter suspected he had the drunks in a seriously dangerous way. TMZ reports that The Hoff's 17-year-old daughter Hailey called her mother Pamela telling her that he was boozed up like you at 2-for-1 happy hour (times a million). One of Pamela's friends immediately called 911 and the paramedics showed up to take The Hoff's liquored up ass off to the hospital to dry out.

The Hoff was supposed to be released back into the wild last night. His reps wouldn't comment.

According to Radar, this is the fifth time in just a few years that The Hoff had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The Hoff's reps have denied this over and over again.

How many "hamburger" moments is The Hoff going to have before he says no to the bottle? The Hoff needs to clean it up a bit, because the entire country of Germany is counting on him! If anything ever happened to The Hoff, Germany would put up a "CLOSED" sign and fall off the map. And can you imagine how much fuckery we'd miss out on if Germany shut down? The Hoff needs to do it for Germany!

Okay, not a "world-class" athlete, but she is a "Malibu-class" athlete, because she completed a triathlon there this past weekend. When Teri Snatcher crossed the finish line, her mom, The Snapple Lady, immediately gave her a congratulatory nuzzle. Or maybe Teri smelled like a tuna melt and her momma was trying to get a good whiff. Who knows!

Other celebwhores who took part in the Malibu Triathlon were William H. Macy (who was there for an Emmy), Mario Lopez (who was there because he needed another excuse to take his top off), Jeremy Piven (who was there for the fish) and The Hoff (who was there for the...for the...why was he there?).

And I'm pleased to announce that next year I will host the first annual Dlisted triathalon! Booze, bong and blow your way to victory!

So, this past Saturday, while you were guzzling down boxes of Franzia in between bites of a greasy ass cheeseburger while lounging topless on your kitchen floor, The Hoff was doing the same thing. Although, once again, The Hoff took the drunkery to a whole new level! Radar says The Hoff abused the booze bottle a little too much and checked out. According to their sources, The Hoff's 16-year-old daughter Hayley, who has been down this fuckery before, found him unconscious in his Encino home.

Pamela Bach, The Hoff's estranged ex-wife, drove over to his house after her daughter called for help. Pamela then drove The Hoff's boozed and broken ass to Cedars-Sinai. Radar's sauces (typo and it stays) say The Hoff was "barely breathing" and close to going off to the great big open bar in the sky before doctors got to him. The Hoff was registered with an alochol level of .39. This is his seventh time going to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. He was later released back into the wild.

Yesterday, The Hoff's spokeswhore laughed off the story that he abused the sweet of nectar of the gods. She says the reports were totally exaggerated and The Hoff is doing fine. The Hoff's lawyer tells TMZ that he thinks Pamela leaked the story to Radar.

Normally, my advice would be "use, don't abuse," but The Hoff needs to step away from the liquor cabinet completely. They aren't friends anymore. Have a Crystal Light instead. I mean, a .39?! I know Wino hits that in her sleep, but most of our livers would have put up the white flag at .20.

And imagine that epic soul-killing hangover?! No amount of Emergen-C or Menduo could fix that.

When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn't let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!

I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.

But for those of us that didn't go, it's a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.

Here's more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood's doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.