The Hoff

After just two episodes, A&E has snuffed out The Hoff's reality show and is scratching that mess off its schedule. To put things into perspective, The Hoff has had relationships with hamburgers that have lasted longer than his show and that's saying a lot. Zap2It (via SOW) reports that A&E has yet to stamp the show with a giant CANCELED label but they won't be airing anymore episodes in the future.

The first episode of The Hoff's show brought in 718,000 viewers and only 505,000 watched the second. For a comparison, some show on A&E called Storage Wars lured in 2 million viewers in its debut episode. I have no idea what Storage Wars is but I'm picturing two old ladies with light purple hair fighting over the last utensil organizer at The Container Store. INTO MY TIVO!

In related news, Das Erste in Germany has announced that they will play The Hasselhoffs' 2 episodes on a loop, all day, every day until the end of days!

But seriously, The Hoff doesn't need stupid ass A&E! He has moved on to bigger and better things! Here he is posing with KITT outside of a theater in London where he's playing Captain Morgan Captain Hook in a musical spectacular that will break box office records (aka a panto production that only drunk children under the age of 8 will enjoy).

If you were driving on the 101 freeway in L.A. on Thursday night and noticed a bright spot of lunacy waving from an overpass as though it was trying to command our alien overlords to land on the right target spot, you just witnessed The Hoff in all his drunken crazy glory. It was just The Hoff making sure that you got your daily dose of insanity.

Radar says that for absolutely no reason The Hoff stood on an overpass and waved at the traffic below. Like The Hoff needs a reason to douse the city with his special brand of crazy. Fresh foolery like this is what keeps The Hoff's crazy tank full.

LeAnn Rimes just so happened to be driving by and Tweeted about seeing The Hoff do the wave. The Hoff hit her back later confirming that it was him on the overpass and not a bloated ostrich with a bad home perm:

@leannrimes It was me on the overpass.. I like to make people's commute a little more fun! Give my love to Eddie..
10:59 PM Sep 30th via web

Since it's obvious that The Hoff doesn't have shit to do all day, the City of Los Angeles should replace their welcome sign with The Hoff doing the welcome wave. And he'll do it for a tab at BevMo! and a daily cheeseburger in a yellow wrapper.

It's a cheeseburger's horrific nightmare come to life! And a bottle of Jack Daniels' beautiful dream come to life! The Hoff was roasted (smelled like overmicrowaved Kraft singles, the urinal in a truck stop in Germany, burnt hair plugs and a bar back's bus tub) on Comedy Central last night, and they started things off outside by scaring the booze buzz out of everyone with this giant tribute to him made from one of Khloe Kardashian's suppositories.

Thankfully, that dark-sideness disappeared by the end of the night so it's no longer around to haunt us. It's not known what happened to it, but Pamela Anderson was seen giving it the eye. I mean, it does have the face of a dildo, so you can't blame her.

Here's pictures of everyone who came out to light a flame under The Hoff's asshole last night. In order: The Hoff, the always naturally fresh Pamela Anderson, Traci Bingham, Nicole Eggert, Hayley Hasselhoff, four anuses in a row, Jeremy Jackson and George Hamilton.

The cheeseburger Lothario who hasn't met a bottle of well liquor he didn't fall in love with is back in the hospital after he filled his veins with enough sweet nectar to keep a Lohan family reunion going for at least a couple of hours. And just like a million times before, The Hoff's tortured 17-year-old daughter Hayley is the one who had to drag his drunk ass to the hospital.

A source tells Radar that The Hoff was on a 3-day booze binge before Hayley threw him in her trunk, drove him to the hospital and put his ass on the curb. The source went on to say that The Hoff will continue to deny that he's got a thirst for booze in a bad way, "I'm sure he'll try to deny it this time, too. And that's sad, because it's his daughter who is suffering when she has to take care of him after a bender."

Hayley's mother Pamela is also a major wreck. Pamela is fresh out of jail after spending some time there for violating her DUI probation.

Maybe this is The Hoff and Pamela's way of scaring Hayley off the bottle for life? I don't know, but I do know that if I drank a shot for every time The Hoff was hospitalized with drunkitis, I'd be lying in a bed right next to him. This is not a good look. The Hoff is probably stumbling around the house with vomit chunks hanging onto his nostril hairs and a bottle of Beefeater filled with his own pee pee in his hand. It sounds like a good look on paper, but it isn't.

The America's Got Talent set will now have a sanitizing station at every corner and contestants will have to marinate in a bath of hot vinegar before taking the stage, because Howie Mandel is going to be the newest judge! Last week, The Hoff announced that he was triple X-ing himself off the show to go and do his own thing (aka have a threesome with a cheeseburger and a bottle of Jack).

Yesterday, NBC confirmed that after several OCDers from A&E's Obsessed thoroughly disinfect The Hoff's old chair and button, Howie will settle into his place beginning this summer. Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan will also be back as judges.

I'd high-five Howie, but that would probably cause him to chew his own hand off. On second thought, let's all high-five him anyway, because watching him chew his own hand off sounds pretty fucking entertaining. Now that's TALENT! No X from me.

via HuffPo

In news that will hit you in the gut with a powerful fist of "we all saw this coming," The Hoff has been fired from America's Got Talent because the producers were sick of him stealing Purell from everyone's dressing room to use as a mixer. Wait. Did I say "fired"? Well, give me a Lohan kick to the pussy, because I really meant to say that The Hoff left on his own accord. Yes, we're going with that one. Let's hear it from The Hoff:

“I am proud that I was part of making America’s Got Talent the No. 1 rated show for the past four summers. It’s been a rewarding experience and now I’m thrilled to be able to follow my dream to do my own TV show, which will be announced very shortly. I want to thank my friend, (executive producer) Simon Cowell, and everyone at NBC and Fremantle for the opportunity for four great years.”

Since The Hoff still believes he's only hooked on a feeling, and not hooked on the bottle, I doubt his next TV project will involve Dr. Drew or Ken Seeley. Maybe he's going to host America's Next Top Cheeseburger for the Food Network?

In other news, Paula Abdul was spotted on her hands and knees in front of Simon Cowell's front gates. I wonder what that's about. <---- Not a question.

While The Hoff dried out in the psych ward on Saturday night, his ex-wife Pamela was put into handcuffs for driving while under the influence of booze. That family and the sweet nectar are fucking done professionally.

Pamela told TMZ that she was with her daughters earlier in the evening, trying to comfort them because their father is in the hospital. After she wiped their tears, she went off to dinner to booze her sorrows away. Pamela claims she only had a few drinks, but she blew a .14 on a breathalyzer test, so she must have been doing Big Gulp-sized shots.

Pamela was later released on $15,000 bail. This is her second DUI in one year, which means she'll probably have to spend some time in a jail cell.

After her arrest, Pamela told TMZ, "I am remorseful and mortified. I am going through a really difficult time between David being in the hospital and dealing with the divorce."

If you want to booze through your problems, then at least do it right. Do what we all do. Take the bottle, go to the bathroom, lock the door, turn on the shower, sit against the wall and bawl your eyes out while listening to Carly Simon's Greatest Hits. Don't get behind the wheel of anything with a motor.

And somewhere in a Vh1 board room, Dr. Drew is pitching Celebrity Rehab: Family Edition.

The Hoff was hospitalized on Friday after he reportedly suffered a seizure following a two-day booze binge. Radar says that the doctors aren't ready to release The Hoff back into the wild (and into the arms of a Jack Daniels bottle) just yet. They have stamped a Code 5150 on The Hoff's nalgas and will keep him for up to 72 hours for a psychiatric evaluation.

Apparently, some of The Hoff's family members have wised up and want him to go directly to rehab from the hospital. The Hoff recently denied that he has a problem with the sauce, so who knows if he'll go.

Methinks The Hoff's family will have to get creative if they want him to go to rehab. They should trick him by leaving a trail of deliciously greasy cheeseburgers from his hospital room door to the front steps of the rehab clinic.

Radar Online reports that The Hoff has been hospitalized at Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles after he suffered a seizure on Friday. A source says that The Hoff's seizure might have had something to do with him being permanently attached to a booze bottle for the past few days. The Hoff is also on anti-seizure medication.

The Hoff's rep wouldn't confirm that he's in the hospital or that he suffered a seizure. But one of his neighbors saw an ambulance outside of The Hoff's house and told Radar, "I asked one of the paramedics how David was doing and he told me his eyes were rolling back into his head, he was drooling and that he'd had a seizure. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this has happened to him."

The Los Angeles City Fire Department confirmed that an ambulance was called to The Hoff's house in Encino and a patient was transported to a hospital for medical attention.

Dr. Drew, come and get this man! You know, if The Hoff doesn't want to clean it up a bit for the sake of his daughter or the entire country of Germany, then maybe he should do it for that fancy jacket. It won't continue to spark unless The Hoff gets it together.

At last night's MTV EMAs in Berlin, Germany's golden child took the mic and behaved like your drunk boss giving a blundering speech at the company Christmas party while everyone throws him "shouldn't you be setting a good example" side eyes. Seriously, The Hoff was slurring like he just gave oral to a taser gun.

Instead of Kanye snatching the mic from him, The Hoff needed Ken Seeley to come and take him away.

And I feel like we should raise a glass (filled with a non-boozy beverage*, of course) to The Hoff's oh-so-fanceeeeee sequins blazer. It stayed sparkly in such an awkward situation.

*Does a wine cooler count as real alcohol?

VIA Buzzfeed