Hookers

The late Elizabeth Taylor's effort to possess the body of Judge Stephanie before sentencing Lindsay Lohan to Death Row so she can't barf all over the image of La Liz in a new Lifetime biopic failed today. Because LiLo was in court for another probation hearing and Judge Stephanie slipped on a Hazmat-made rubber glove to pat her head for doing what she's supposed to do. BORING! But the day wasn't completely a loss, because right before LiLo strolled into court, a process server served her with a reasonable and accurate lawsuit. No, Sebastian Bach is not suing LiLo for stealing his 2010 look. A man named Thomas A. Green is suing LiLo for $300,000 claiming she went back on a business deal with him, because he was close to uncovering the truth about her involvement in the death of Osama Bin Laden. Naturally.

TMZ says that the 12 page, handwritten lawsuit looks about as crazy as a letter to a fan Lindsay Lohan writes on the back of a cocktail napkin after one of the voices in her head tells her that the potted plant in the corner wants an autograph. Thomas, a former U.S. marine who regularly has hallucinations, writes in the lawsuit that during a Facebook conversation with LiLo, she said she would help to promote his dot-com business. When LiLo started tip toeing away from the deal, Thomas found out that she had a huge part in the killing of Bin Laden and is a high-class prostitution whore. Thomas scribbled this in the lawsuit:

"[Thomas] set out to command [Lohan] to twitter and stated if [Lohan] acknowledges this is an Osoma Bin Ladden op all civilians in past wrong doing will receive clemency.

[Lohan] might be a high end prostitute."

TMZ also called him a delusional crazy and White Oprah resembles that comment! You know, I was mad at TMZ for calling this absolutely sane man "delusional," but then I read the part where Thomas refers to LiLo as a "high end" prostitute. HIGH END? That's like saying rust water from a toilet tank is top shelf liquor. The only way LiLo can use the words "high end" in her escort ad is if she means that you have to sprinkle a little coke on her b-hole before you stick it in.

There really is a fine line between a Lohan and a delusional sometimes-homeless crazy person, and LiLo snorted up that line a long time ago, so White Oprah should adopt this dude. They need to put their differences aside, because delusional crazies belong together.

Speaking of shit that should be banned from the world, that burning sensation taking over your eyeballs that feels like the tips of your lashes are growing genital warts and your retinas are wrinkling into the fetal position could only mean one thing: it's a Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison post!

If this precious picture of the 17-year-old reptile bride and her creepy serial killer-looking husband posing with the Lohan family (who are looking less orange and bloated than usual) makes you want to cover the eyes of innocent chirruns everywhere, then you're not alone. Before this picture was taken, The Tales of the Crypt's answer to Heidi and Spencer were kicked out of a pumpkin patch in the Santa Clarita Valley for acting like two nasty, inappropriate, pumpkin-fucking whores of destruction. Yup, that's them!

Radar says that mothers who wanted to spend their afternoon picking out a pumpkin with their families instead had to soothe the faces of their crying children and close the mouths of their husbands after Courtney sashayed by in a pair of coochie-killing coochie cutters and white dick-picking-up boots (and it's after Labor Day)! After the pumpkin patch received complaint after complaint, Courtney and Dog (typo and it stays) were shown the exit. Courtney, being the good Christian girl she is, responded to this injustice by quoting the bible on Twitter:

Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! :) "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24
21 hours ago via web

If there was Internet access in heaven and Jesus could rewrite John 7:24 he'd change it to: "Do not judge by appearances, but do judge a nightmare creature for spreading several layers of snatch slime on a bunch of pumpkins in the Santa Clarity Valley."

But in all seriousness, Courtney getting kicked out of the pumpkin patch was an act of pure jealousy. How can anyone be prejudiced toward a naturally beautiful sunflower whose eyes were kissed by heaven's clouds (aka Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow), whose lips are covered in sparkling unicorn semen (aka Vaseline mixed with Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow) and whose clothes were made for her by the finest French couture house (aka one of those stripper stores on Hollywood Blvd.). Those hating families wish having a sense of dignity didn't stop them from being this classy and demure.

For more pictures of the walking Blumpkin that is Courtney and Doug, go to The Superficial and view at your own risk. Below are pictures of Courtney's obvious idol, The Empress of Lucite, turning pumpkins into lucite chariots at a pumpkin patch over the weekend. Note to Courtney: If you don't want to be kicked out of the pumpkin patch, trade your hooker boots, denim panties and creepy husband for exquisite heels, the finest dress that a handjob can buy and an ambiguously gay boy toy imported from Eastern Europe.

Oh look, it's a plastic horse's ass on a plastic horse's ass.

Seen here in Brooklyn today riding on a horse's back in front of the cameras instead of riding on horse dick in front of the cameras for a change, the head ho of Pimp Mama Kris' whore ring tells Australia's InStyle magazine (via Daily Mail) that she and her punching bag of dumb husband only filmed their commitment ceremony to Lucifer, because if she didn't she'd disappoint all of her "fans."

Kim didn't do it for the millions of dollars or because she can't squirt out a wet queef without a 5-person camera crew focused on her snatch. Nope, not at all. When InStyle asked Kim why she chose to televise her wedding, she barked at 4 assistants to spread her ass cheeks apart and she pushed this answer out of her bullshit hole:

"That was a really big discussion, we took weeks to decide if we were going to film it or not, but I felt like my fans - everyone that has gone on this journey with me, seeing different relationships that I've been in - would feel cheated if I didn't film it. It was something that Kris and I were okay with, and the beauty of it is we get to edit it. It [will be] great to look back at that and see this time in our lives."

Yes, I'm sure the really big, three-week long discussion went something like this:

E! Executive: We'll pay $13 million and we'll give you five hours of airtime.
People Editor: We'll give you $2.5 million for the pictures, Kim.
Pimp Mama Kris & Kim: DONE!
Kris: Err. You're Kim? I thought you were Kourtney. Heh, that's funny. Did anybody tell you that your mom looks like the dude from Three's Company? Oh, look the eyes on those 4 dudes on horses riding towards us are so sparkly. I like sparkly..."

No, I'm joking. The conversation didn't even last that long. Kim really needs to stop acting like she didn't have her morals surgically removed to make way for silicone butt bags filled with Satan's coagulated blood. Because in the Kuntrashian world (which the earth revolves around, obviously), first comes an offer from E!, then comes a check from People, then comes a contract from Kris Humphries signing away all right to profits of the sex tape that will leak a day before their divorced is announced, and then comes a completely staged marriage! That's the equation for love Kuntrashian-style.

Thomas Jane plays a Midwestern father who peddles his peen to ladies for cash on HBO's Hung and he tells The L.A. Times (via Towleroad) that in real life he once took a price tag to his saleable bits and turned tricks on Santa Monica Blvd. Thomas admitted that he tasted man for money when the L.A. Times reporter brought up the "I told HBO, the year I end up with a penis in my mouth is the last year of the show" line that caused some of the gay media to light his asshole for free.

Instead of giving the public (read: me) what they really wanted by passing forward detailed stories, Polaroid pictures, sketches, videos and flip books of his man-on-man hooker car sex, Thomas went on and on about how being a gay hustler showed him that dude ass ain't for him. You know, because dicks and pussies are like brussels sprouts, you can't know that you don't like em until you've tried em. And just like brussels sprouts, dicks and pussies are best when served with a little garlic salt and melted butter on top. This is what Thomas had to say about selling ass and sexuality:

You've gotten a lot of grief in the gay media ... here's your chance [to explain yourself].
Hey, you grow up as an artist in a big city, as James Dean said, you're going to have one arm tied behind your back if you don't accept people's sexual flavors. You know, when I was a kid out here in L.A., I was homeless, I didn't have any money and I was living in my car. I was 18. I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?

Do you feel that experience had any cost or was it just doing what you had to do?
You're a lot more open to experimentation as a young man. And for me, being a young artist and broke in Los Angeles, I was exploring my sexual identity. And probably because of my middle-class, white blue-collar upbringing, I would have never had the opportunity to confront some of my own fears and prejudices had I not been hungry enough to be forced to challenge myself in that way.

So then it was productive for you in terms of self-knowledge?
Yeah, absolutely. It blew the doors off of my conventional upbringing and thinking and opened up possibilities for me that were akin to World War III. And then you actually have a choice, and I chose to be a heterosexual guy because that's what my DNA dictates and my nurture dictates that I am.

Then is that a choice?
I don't know. I think up to a point it's a choice. But I'll tell you what — it's not a choice until you're open enough to experience both male and female sexuality. Until you've tasted the food, you don't know whether you'll like it or not, as my mom always said.

What Thomas is saying is that it wasn't his choice to be straight, but it was his choice to let a man go throat deep on him for a tuna melt. Right? Okay. But the most offensive, wrong, uneducated and dangerous part of his comment is the sandwich part. Do you know how many first-time johns are going to pick up a twink queen on Santa Monica Blvd. and throw them a wink as they whisper out of the passenger window, "Can I buy you a sandwich?" That poor john's dick-sucking wet dreams are going to be crushed when the twink queen thinks he literally wants to buy him a sandwich and tells him to pull into the Subway a couple blocks up. I swear, Thomas Jane is totally whoring for Subway!

By the way, selling ass for a sandwich is totally my new life motto.

Understudy Title: Dunkin' Dosluts
Second Understudy Title: Dunkin' Doze Nuts For A Dollar
Third Understudy Title: Too Many Puns, Too Little Time

When you hit the drive-thru at the Dunkin' Donuts in Rockaway, NJ, you better be specific on whether or not you want the glazed hole and cream-filled eclair or the glazed hole and cream-filled eclair. That's because one of their employees was arrested for selling a side of ass with coffee and bear claws.

29-year-old Dunkin' Donuts employee Melissa Redmond was the star of a six-week-long sting operation called "Extra Sugar" that was set up after police got an "anonymous tip" that she was sucking on anonymous tips in the parking lot. The police started staking out the Dunkin' Donuts and immediately noticed that Melissa, who worked the graveyard shift, would regularly visit cars in the parking lot for a long time. They stepped up the investigation by sending an undercover cop through the drive-thru to try to buy a Coolatta and coochie from Melissa . Melissa allegedly took the bait and passed him her phone number.

Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann told the NYDN that the undercover cop parked and waited for Melissa to come out. When Melissa got into his car, she told the cop how much it would cost to squeeze some cream out of his Long John. The undercover cop told her it was too much and she got out of the car. He came back a few nights later and Melissa agreed to lower her prices. The cop told her he was going to go to the ATM to get some cash and that's when she was busted.

Melissa was charged with prostitution whoring.

Oh, Melissa. She almost had a perfect game going. Outdoor hookers are nearly burning their clits off in this heat and forget about selling vagina on Craigslist. That's like walking into a murder scene. Melissa played it smart. Melissa got to hang out in a temperature-controlled Dunkin' Donuts and then take 20 steps to a car parked outside when ho shit duty called. Afterward, she could gargle out the condom taste with iced coffee. It was brilliant...until the ho got caught. Her only mistake is that she didn't shush those cops with some free donuts and a cut of her earnings.

Okay, her other mistake is that she didn't pull some Sweeney Todd shit. With the price of sugar and tap water on the rise (I'm making that up), she should've held on to her johns' used condoms and really put the cream in cream puff. Actually, maybe she did........

Note to self: If I ever find myself at the Dunkin' Donuts in Rockaway, make sure to spit, not swallow.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

So Hef teared in his shaken-not-stirred verrry dirty martini for a whole week and a half, straightened up his silk jammies, and got another trick to ride his Viagramobile. Bitch boom bye Crystal, it was nice knowing you. Okay, not really.

TMZ says the new toddler in Hef's playpen is Miss January 2011 Anna Sophia Berglund. What a refreshing departure from his usual bleach blond bimbo with huge fake tittays lineup! And she's an older woman, 24 days older than Crystal-what-was-her-name. Bravo on growing up, Hef!!

Speaking of side pieces, thanks so much for all the love today. MK makes this shit look as easy as me on a Saturday night but it's not!! I didn't expect so much support. You are the loving jock strap to our limp noodles, and thank you for putting up with this sub-par shit for a week. XOXOXO

From one post about a slutty 8-year-old princess ball affair to another. Khloe Kardashian posted dozens of pictures from the backyard party celebrating Kim Kardashian's staged engagement to that dude who looks like he's one brain cell away from having one brain cell. This party was also thrown to let Kris Humphries know that whatever identity he had will be erased since none of the pictures show any of his family members and this mess is strictly Kardashian.

This wreck looks like the birthday party Joan Crawford threw for Christina Darling in Mommie Dearest, except Christina was like 6 and Kim is getting too old for this shit. That Cinderella cake is more ridiculous than the fact that Kim has made $35 million from straight whoring.

Those poor glitter ponies. They're probably wondering why they have glitter up their anuses and have to entertain a bunch of douchebags while fellow horse Khloe gets to drink champagne and party. THIS is the face of a glitter pony who is filled with humiliation from having to pose next to two horse asses.

With all that being, Brucetina Navratilova is looking sexy hot.

The monster family built by Ray J's crooked dick and Ryan Seacrest's highlights are on the cover of Redbook Magazine and in it Pimp Mama Kris Kardashian says that they are always ALWAYS always working. For you and me, there's 24 hours in one day, but the day has created an extra hour just for the Kardashians. Or maybe Kim slows down the spinning earth by sitting on the ground. Whatever the case may be, Kris is sick of people saying they don't have jobs, because the fact is they work 25 hours a day! Kris puts it like this (via UsWeekly):

"It's annoying when I hear, 'What do your girls do?' Well, first of all, all of my daughters have jobs. They are fashion stylists and designers; they own a chain of stores. They had the stores before they had the show. I've been whoring my kids out since And my kids worked from the time they were 13 years old. So to me, that's a huge misconception that the girls don't work. They work 25 hours a day."

They might not be singers or dancers, but they certainly know how to produce a television show. Whether you want to call it talent or not, they have multiple shows on the air. How many shows do you have?"

"How many shows do you have?" Shut your Larry from Three's Company looking ass, Kris! Delusional hag. I mean, SNOOKI is on a damn reality show. It can't be that hard. If we got dicked by a D-list R&B singer in a leaked sex tape, we'd all have reality shows too! Am I jealous? Maybe, because I've been trying to get Young Rome to return my calls for this very reason, and nothing. But maybe I'm being too harsh on these trash heap heifers.

Saying words in front of a camera. That's working! Looking at a flashing camera while standing really still. That's working! Using the ladder in their basement to step down into hell to chant before Satan so that he can keep their 15 minutes going?. That's working! Hanging food in the trees every night so Khloe can't get to it? That's working! Okay, I take it all back. They're the busiest whores in America!

Vh1 is saying that Tiger Woods' head side-piece Rachel Uchitel is checking into Celebrity Rehab, because she's got an addiction to pills. But UsWeekly says this isn't so. Their source claims that Rachel is going to sit opposite Dr. Drew to cry about how she's addicted to love. Basically, bitch has a chronic case of dickmatization and homewreckeritis. "Addicted to love" is the G-rated way of saying that the ho is adickted to fucking on married peen.

The source explains, "She is not an addict. She doesn't do drugs and isn't an alcoholic, but she does have problems with relationships. This is her chance to tell her story and show people another side of herself."

I think I speak for the people when I say that we don't need to see anymore sides to her ass! I'm sure half of the straight male population has already seen every side, front and back of Rachel, so the rest of us are good. They took our servings, and we're okay with that.

But seriously, Rachel disappoints me so. I really thought she was going to be the classic kind of whore who takes her hush money and gallops off to a horse farm far away forever. But now she's proving that she is replacing her thirst for celebrity dick with a thirst for attention.

Tiger Woods' most expensive trick Rachel Uchitel isn't going to just take her $10 million and quietly retire to whore island forever. No, you can spray a can of Raid at her all you want, but Rachel isn't going to slither away that easily. Apparently, fellow whore Donald Trump has invited Rachel to join the cast of next season's Celebrity Apprentice. Rachel tells TMZ that she is absolutely going to give him a hand job and a culo tickle as a thank you take him up on his offer. It's not a done deal, because NBC still has to approve this mess.

In possibly related news, Tivo just announced that they will ship complimentary latex covers to all their customers.

You know, this isn't such a bad idea, but Donald Trump should stick it all the way in. Not just the tip. It's about time that show casts some authentic whore pit vipers (no offense to Annie Duke). Donald should also get Boobshit McGee, Mike Jones, Jaimee Grubbs, Ashley Dupre, etc.. etc... If you're going to bring ho shit into it, REALLY bring ho shit into it.