Elegance Has A Name

The ho stroll has been eerily quiet of the sound of clear plastic bra strips rubbing up against greasy lizard skin and that's because 17-year-old porn iguana beauty Courtney Stodden has been working hard. Freecreditscore.com cast the underage amphibian goddess as a merskank in a big-budget (read: no budget) Super Bowl-worthy commercial (read: it will play during the Robin Byrd Show on public access). Looking like the beauty on a can of Lizard of the Sea, Courtney plays an exquisite merskank who was created when a komodo dragon on high-grade ludes had a threesome with Flotsam AND Jetsam in a toxic waste puddle off the shores of Chernobyl.

Your ass might be thinking that Freecreditscore.com should be arrested for giving Courtney a stage to awkwardly squirm around like she's trying to hack a hairball up while solving a basic algebra problem at the same time, but this was a smart move on their part. If it fails as a commercial (it has), they can always sell it to Discovery as a new episode of the Deadliest Catch. Nobody will know the difference.

If you can't see the video above, consider yourself SAVED! Or just click here to see Courtney as Ariel's sister Achlamydia.

via Radar

The Mona Lisa has had a good run as the First Lady of High Art, but the time has come for her to slide off of the wall, because a worthy replacement has emerged in Desperate Scousewives star and my personal deity Layla Flaherty. You can't tell me that you wouldn't wait 2 hours in a line outside of the Louvre to see the stunning portrait above behind bulletproof glass:

It's meant to be, right? It's like the Mona Lisa is only meant to be a preview for the true work of beautiful art that is to come. I'll add your name to the "Layla Flaherty To Replace The Mona Lisa" petition I'm going to send the Louvre.

In just a couple of weeks, Layla Flaherty has made me a believer of whatever she's preaching by carrying herself with dignity, grace and class. Take the other night for instance. Most whores would spend their night getting so fucked up on the sweet nectar that they'd suck off anything, make an ass out of themselves in the middle of a Subway and eventually pass the hell out on a street barrier before getting carried to their car (like all of us!). But not Layla. Layla spent her night cleansing that dirty, slutty city with her vat of holy water mouth. Layla baptized the head of a lip gloss peen! Layla baptized the wrapper around a foot long (I bet that foot long was so pissed it was wearing a paper condom)! Layla baptized a Sprite bottle! Layla baptized the glass door of a Subway that probably has already been baptized by the piss splatters of a hobo! Layla baptized a dress bow! And after all that baptizing, Layla grew so exhausted from all her charitable deeds that she passed out and had to be carried back to her church by one of her disciples.

If this isn't proof that Layla is the second cumming coming, then I don't know what is.

Layla, you've got me on my knees and worshiping at your pristinely exquisite feet.

You can pick up your cape from off of the floor, because I know that when you see such a refined lady like this your instinct is to throw some cloth down so her gentle feet won't sweep against the dirt of skanks. But Layla Flaherty of Desperate Scousewives (and the newest sparkly charm that hangs on the edge of my soul) is of the people and the Goodwill Ambassador of Ho Shit spread world peace as she spread whiskey saliva from her tongue on trick after trick when she left a club in London last night. Lady Layla not only wrote a new definition for elegance by humping a cab seat, but she also showed us that she's multilingual by articulately signing the phrases "fuck you," "eatin' pussay," and "dirty sanchez" in ASL. Words are cheap when you've got two fingers you can use to make the symbol for cooch.

Why is Layla not teaching children?! Our future needs to look just like this. I'd get my dead body cryogenically frozen so that I could come back and live in a world where everyone is as gracefully demure as Layla. Finally, a lady.

"This is what beauty can be! Beauty celestial the best you'll agree..." are not only the lyrics to a Stephen Sondheim song, but those are also the words that fell from my head like rose petals on a silk pillow when these pictures of demure Irish noblewoman Layla Flaherty of the UK reality show Desperate Scousewives graced my monitor. Nope, it's not a swan gracefully twirling on a puddle of crystal ice nor a virgin flamingo balancing an iridescent bubble on her knee. It's a lay-deeee.

Layla (the real inspiration for Eric Clapton's song) left a refined establishment (a titty bar named Platinum Lace) in one of the poshest neighborhoods in London (the West End) wearing a couture dress straight off the runways (of New Look) and carried herself like a true lady (she took an invisible dump on the sidewalk and got into a fight).

The pay phone outside of Layla's room will be ringing any day now and it will be a call from the Queen who will invite her over for tea in exchange for a lesson on how to air your pussy out in public while keeping a ladylike composure.

"You're welcome." - Ireland to England

Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.

Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.

And now it's time for a math problem!

When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?

Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!

BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:

JWoww, the Audrey Hepburn of the Jersey Shore whores, is known as being a pristine pearl that fell out of an an empty bottle of Thunderbird at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean many years ago and her new bikini line completely reflects that. Aren't you staring at the triangle pasties hugging onto JWoww's dried concrete titty balls and thinking to yourself that you too want to look like you've got suction cup nipples? No, you don't? Well, that's because you obviously don't have an eye for the elegant things in life.

JWoww's Perfect Tan Bikini Line uses an "innovative" silicone based adhesive that sticks to your silicone based titties and allows you to freely lay under the cancer beams without worrying about tan lines. Yes, when you rip that shit off, it'll also rip off any feeling you had left in your nipples. But if you're like JWoww, then you don't have any feeling in your nipples anyway. And I'm sure JWoww bought this "innovative" sticky technology from a dude named Lizard in the parking lot of an abandoned strip club on Staten Island, so it will most likely seep into your pores and cause your nipples to foam at the mouth, but that's a small price to pay to look this exquisite.

And I don't know if they broke every computer from Photoshopping the shit out of JWoww, or if she just naturally looks an extra in a CGI porn.

Warning: You might feel the sudden urge to strangle your Christmas tree, shit in your fireplace stockings and cancel Christmas this year after getting into these highly illegal pictures at Egotastic of the underage lizard goddess Courtney Stodden slithering all over her 51-year-old nightmare of a husband who dressed up as Santa Claus. I know, that picture was supposed to be your Christmas card pose and this bitch stole it from you.

Nothing says "Tis the season!" like a gross Santa with cotton dick brows sniffing on the illegal down low goods of a 17-year-old who looks like an iguana in Alexis Arquette drag. This kind of good Christian girl holiday behavior from Courtney is seriously making Jesus consider converting to Buddhism. It's okay, Jesus, just try to focus on the silver slivers of elegance on Courtney's rear claws and everything will be okay (no, it won't).

I swear, somebody really has to start a "Courtney & Doug staged photo shoot or porn stills?" Tumblr, because I can't even tell the difference anymore. And if your skin hasn't completely crawled off of your body to throw itself into the nearest fire, then strap it down, because it will after you click play on this video:

Why isn't a SWAT Team and a group of priests with vats of holy water swarming all over them?! They are disgusting, ridiculous, fucked up, perverted, shameless, dark-sided...and I can't get enough of them.

Your eyeballs deserve to be fertilized with drops of pure elegance this morning, so please use your mousepad as a Ouija Board and tell it take you to natural beauty. Your mouse will drag you to this NSFW link featuring England's Finest Rose posing as a tundra slut in the middle of a frozen dick garden. Doctor's recommend a daily dose of sophistication as part of a healthy lifestyle and you will get a week's worth if you stare at Jodie Marsh's nibbled-on sausage coins long enough.

Jodie brought her completely organic titty domes out for the prestigious journal of refinement called The Sun and she also gave them an interview where she talked about how she's been virginized. It's been so long since anybody has tapped on Jodie's pristine oyster (or as the Health Department calls it, "A free pass to the clinic!") and a cherry pearl has magically grown inside of her sugar shell making her a virgin again.

"I find it so hard to trust men now that I always wait for ages before agreeing to sex. I've had so many shit men in my life that I get scared of letting go. I'm basically celibate and like a virgin again. God knows what it would take to sleep with me now! If I could kiss anyone under the mistletoe this Christmas, it would have to be Gerard Butler or Tom Hardy."

Every maker of topical ointment for genital warts just opened up their windows and jumped to their death since there's no reason to go one. It's true, though. Jodie is as pure on the inside as she is on the outside. She has left her shameless slut ways behind her. Need some proof? Well, during this photo shoot, she did get gang banged by those giant dickcicles, but she only let them stick the tip in, so you know she's a changed whore.

Never mind that creepy ass Doug Hutchison looks like a Cuban lesbian busser at a mariachi bar, the goddess of the lizard kingdom made all the innocent children drown their eyeballs in vats of holy water when she flashed her all-natural shit on the streets of L.A. while going to a shoot for Funny or Die. Chris Hansen just passed out, PedoBear just mumbled "too easy" to himself and EVERYBODY just sent Courtney a box of Cuchinis. Doug should be arrested for a million reasons (i.e. killing a bear and wearing one of its ass cheeks on his head), but one of those reasons isn't for letting his slut toddler wife walk around half-nekkid in December, because we all know amphibians are cold-blood.

And I really hope the pap didn't ring the alarm by telling Courtney her silicone tit cutlet is heading south, because it really needs to get away from that situation. Let's hope its cleansing itself of this "Heidi and Spencer meets Jerry Lee Lewis and his cousin" fuckery in a Buddhist monastery somewhere.

Because Courtney Stodden's whore master of a mother sold her to a has-been Hollywood actor at the age of 16, she never got to go to prom like other teenage amphibians. So the delicate lizard slut made up for lost times by buying a truly exquisite gown she found bundled into a ball at the bottom of a clearance box in the back of the Frederick's of Hollywood Outlet at the Ontario Mills. Some might've dropped the dress after reading the line "Sold As Is (mysterious bodily fluid stains, etc...)" on the tag hanging off of it, but Courtney wasn't going to let that stop her from bestowing a Classy Old Hollywood moment upon The Grove in L.A. Why do I have a sinking feeling in my colon that this is what Rosie O'Donnell's wedding pictures are going to look like? Complete with awkward "kneeing in the pussy" pose and everything.

There's a serious civil war going down on top of Courtney's head. Courtney's ashy real hair is trying to fight with her fake hair. One of Courtney's tooth is also trying to emancipate itself from her mouth. And her toes are desperately trying to break free from the clutches of her elegant silver whore heels. There's just a whole lot of uprising on Courtney. Courtney is truly the most gorgeous battlefield I've ever seen.

And here's the latest gifts to alliteration from the head writer of Pugs with Courtney Stodden Tweets:

Secret Santa: Id love to lure you in by caressing my red lips up against your rosiness as my lustrous legs lie on top of your levitating lap

Had such an erotic afternoon after being elegantly bound with whips & chains for a brand new foxy photo shoot... XOs

Tenderly trembling my tantalizing tongue up - down - & all around the sugarcoated candy-cane of Christmas! XOs

I'm calling it now. The last one is my Christmas card. Stay away, bitches.