Elegance Has A Name
Zac Efron has been spending time down south while filming a movie and I'm pretty sure the gentlemanly spirit of Jim Williams from The Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil crept into his glitter hole and took over his body. Because when Zac accepted the award for Best Unicorn Under the Age of 25 at last night's People's Choice Awards, he gave a speech that was simply, as he would put it, sublime.
I mean, Zac not only drawled out the word "sublime", but he also referred to his fellow nominees as his "contemporaries." Zac made every bitch in the audience drop their hand fan, pick up their petticoat and run towards him. Zac's speech was the coat that a gentlemen throws over a puddle so that you don't dirty the silk ribbons on your shoes. A fucking gentlemen in every way, that Zach.
And can't you just picture him looking up at you after tossing your salad and saying, "Subliiiiiime." Don't swoon too hard or you might fart on his neck.
Here's some pictures of Zac with unemployed beard Taylor Swift at the PCAs last night.
America's most gorgeous and glamorous bully victim, Camille Grammer, might not grace Bravo's cameras with her strobe light-bursting moves anymore, because she's a SINGLE MOTHER now and needs to focus on raising the children her bastard husband abandoned!!!!
The Hollywood Reporter broke the news that after taping a reunion so explosive that it made Andy Cohen's lazy eye jump up (but it quickly laid back down), Camille let Bravo executives know that if The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills comes back for a second season, they will have to find a new exquisite orchid in the silicone garden to take her place. Camille wants out. Maybe. Camille's rep told People Magazine that no decision has been made yet, but things have changed for her.
"She has not made any decision yet about whether she’s returning to the show or not. She taped a very explosive reunion episode yesterday, where people are going to see a different side of her than they’ve seen before. Camille’s situation has changed since the show began. She did the show because Kelsey wanted her to do it and now she’s a single mother raising two kids. Her life has changed and she has a lot of new responsibilities. She’s also in the middle of negotiating a divorce settlement, so this is not the time for her to make a decision about the show."
Yeah, so those of you hating haters out there who have called Camille the worst dragon mother in the L.A. area need to swallow your words back up (tastes like extra greasy turkey jerky)! Camille is leaving the spotlight in order to raise her kids as a SINGLE MOTHER.....with the help of four nannies, a chef, a house manager, drivers and the $50 million she's going to get in her divorce settlement. So there! If that isn't maternal dedication, then I don't know what is. A selfless hero to us all!
I was under the impression that England's finest rose Jodie Marsh was the only talented tailor who could create a stunning titty-apron-thing out of duct tape, coasters from Party City and a piece from Liberace's hammock. But I better slide out from under that impression, because I was wrong. JWoww, the stunning Jersey Shore nymph who is about as natural as a Chicken McNugget, has achieved the impossible: she has found a way of making the dickey look both dignified and practical. A feat that even Jodie Marsh has yet to conquer.
On New Year's Eve, most of us have to crawl, slide and roll down the long road of embarrassment to get to our final state of the night: half-naked with duct tape over our nipples. But JWoww cut out all the embarrassing shit and went straight for it. Whoever said that JWoww is a dumb whore with jacuzzi sludge for brains better take that hurtful shit back. The bitch has ideas! Sadly, the dumb whores at MTV don't agree with me.
UsWeekly says that they forced JWoww to cover up her elegance with a white blazer before their New Year's Eve Special went live. This is coming from a network that airs close-ups of The Situation's face without forewarning their viewers to proceed at their own discretion. MTV wouldn't know taste if it gave them genital warts.
And if you need something challenging to keep you occupied for the next few hours (or days), point out the most natural globes in this picture. Actually, I think that's a trick question.
CoCo knows, and so with the help of a Costco-sized jar of Crisco, a dozen sweat shop seamstresses and thread made from Kryptonite, she got into a dress that gave Roger Rabbit a double boner in the ears. CoCo's gown was full-length when she arrived at her New Year's Eve party with Ice-T in NYC last night, but she always underestimates the extreme power of her hongray hongray camel toe and didn't think it would bite at her dress and rip that shit in half. CoCo is still the epitome of elegance and grace, and her beauty never fails to gently cradle my hangover and rock it softly.
I am extremely disappointed with myself that I've never met Sebastian Bach's fantastically glamour flower of a wife before, and we're meeting for the first time under sad circumstances too.
All of the embalming fluid that Sebastian Bach drinks to keep his face looking like cold death must've went straight to his brains, because for some bizarre reason he is divorcing his beautiful wife of 18 years, Maria Bierk. Sebastian had this to say to TMZ about their split:
"We have tried to work things out for the sake of our family but it has become apparent that our differences at this point are irreconcilable. In 2011 we go our separate ways."
How in the hell is Sebastian going to let a woman go who looks like a delicate pussy willow that only blooms on the planet Apollonia once a year? Something ain't right. I mean, look at this picture from 2005. When you meet an elegant goddess who wears lace chokers out in public after 1996, you hold on to her tightly and do whatever it takes to keep her in your life! They are a rare and ravishing breed.
LACE CHOKER! Sebastian Bach needs a crash course in recognizing SHEER BEAUTY, because he obviously doesn't know anymore. LACE CHOKER!!!
Here's the ethereal wind chime of a goddess Etty Farrell and her husband Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction just posing in various forms of nekkidness in their kitchen to promote their show Married to Rock in the UK. Etty better be wearing a cooch cup made of high-grade steel, because if Perry accidentally slipped on the garbage disposal switch...BOOM! Suddenly, Etty's ass is a segment on the Discovery Channel where she has to explain how she lost her chocha in a tragic garbage disposal accident. IT CAN HAPPEN! Yes, I've put my genitals in some dangerous places before (I'm not naming names), but the garbage disposal is where I draw the line with a Sharpie. Although, I'd probably have a touch decision on my hands if I was ever faced with a garbage disposal shaped like Prince Hot Ginge's silhouette.
And seriously, this photo shoot needed less ho in a sink and more Perry bulge.
NOOOOOOOO! I was perfectly happy hating every single thing Fishsticks Paltrow produced and then she just had to go and wear this to the Cuntry Weak screening in Beverly Hills last night. It's as if Fishy grabbed onto my world, turned it upside/down and burped out everything I thought I believed in! And all because she wore an exquisite gown that says "member of Kryptonian Council" in the front and then softly leads you down a netted road of elegance to the image of Fishy's uncovered crotch gills dancing in the underwind. It's something Breathless Mahoney would've worn on her wedding day and it's beautifully perfect.
That gown's powers of sophistication and grace are so strong that I don't even care that it's on the body of a pretentious salamander-woman who always calls English muffins "crumpets" and who won't get out of bed until her morning maid slips a pair of fresh cashmere slippers at her bedside. WHY OH WHY!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and dip my head in a browser full of GOOP in hopes that I can go back to hating her ass once I come up for air.
Here's a few more of Fishy wearing the third coming of the Slut Dress at the Country Strong screening last night with Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Blair Waldorf Salad and Garrett Gimmehedlund.
Since the Louisiana swamp flower Brit Brit was dressed way too fancy for the Dollar Palace, she strolled into Walmart yesterday to buy Christmas gifts (CHEAP CHEETO BITCH!) and unknowingly pose for an exclusive People of Walmart photo shoot. And afterward, Brit Brit took her bodyguard to lunch at my favorite Michelin star gourmet fine restaurant RED ROBIN! RED ROBIN (reread that in a creepy Danny from The Shining voice).
Where else can you eat a delicious teriyaki burger under a lamp that looks like it belongs in a drag queen madam's bordello. AND THE STRAWBERRY FRECKLED LEMONADE (Or period piss as my nasty ass always calls it). You know Brit Brit spends most of her time at Red Robin trying to suck strawberry chunks through her straw (not a euphemism).
My Tivo queue is sponsored by Waste Management, so for some strange reason I don't follow that Teen Mom trash, but I do follow tragically awesome tattoo masterpieces and Amber's got one of the greatest. This magic marker mess is almost a form of birth control, because unless you're huffing on freon who wants to hump on a tattoo that looks like a portrait of Angus T. Jones? Museum of Awful Tattoos, please welcome Amber!