Elegance Has A Name
Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.
Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.
And now it's time for a math problem!
When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?
Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!
BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by
Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:
JWoww, the Audrey Hepburn of the Jersey Shore whores, is known as being a pristine pearl that fell out of an an empty bottle of Thunderbird at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean many years ago and her new bikini line completely reflects that. Aren't you staring at the triangle pasties hugging onto JWoww's dried concrete titty balls and thinking to yourself that you too want to look like you've got suction cup nipples? No, you don't? Well, that's because you obviously don't have an eye for the elegant things in life.
JWoww's Perfect Tan Bikini Line uses an "innovative" silicone based adhesive that sticks to your silicone based titties and allows you to freely lay under the cancer beams without worrying about tan lines. Yes, when you rip that shit off, it'll also rip off any feeling you had left in your nipples. But if you're like JWoww, then you don't have any feeling in your nipples anyway. And I'm sure JWoww bought this "innovative" sticky technology from a dude named Lizard in the parking lot of an abandoned strip club on Staten Island, so it will most likely seep into your pores and cause your nipples to foam at the mouth, but that's a small price to pay to look this exquisite.
And I don't know if they broke every computer from Photoshopping the shit out of JWoww, or if she just naturally looks an extra in a CGI porn.
Warning: You might feel the sudden urge to strangle your Christmas tree, shit in your fireplace stockings and cancel Christmas this year after getting into these highly illegal pictures at Egotastic of the underage lizard goddess Courtney Stodden slithering all over her 51-year-old nightmare of a husband who dressed up as Santa Claus. I know, that picture was supposed to be your Christmas card pose and this bitch stole it from you.
Nothing says "Tis the season!" like a gross Santa with cotton dick brows sniffing on the illegal down low goods of a 17-year-old who looks like an iguana in Alexis Arquette drag. This kind of good Christian girl holiday behavior from Courtney is seriously making Jesus consider converting to Buddhism. It's okay, Jesus, just try to focus on the silver slivers of elegance on Courtney's rear claws and everything will be okay (no, it won't).
I swear, somebody really has to start a "Courtney & Doug staged photo shoot or porn stills?" Tumblr, because I can't even tell the difference anymore. And if your skin hasn't completely crawled off of your body to throw itself into the nearest fire, then strap it down, because it will after you click play on this video:
Why isn't a SWAT Team and a group of priests with vats of holy water swarming all over them?! They are disgusting, ridiculous, fucked up, perverted, shameless, dark-sided...and I can't get enough of them.
Your eyeballs deserve to be fertilized with drops of pure elegance this morning, so please use your mousepad as a Ouija Board and tell it take you to natural beauty. Your mouse will drag you to this NSFW link featuring England's Finest Rose posing as a tundra slut in the middle of a frozen dick garden. Doctor's recommend a daily dose of sophistication as part of a healthy lifestyle and you will get a week's worth if you stare at Jodie Marsh's nibbled-on sausage coins long enough.
Jodie brought her completely organic titty domes out for the prestigious journal of refinement called The Sun and she also gave them an interview where she talked about how she's been virginized. It's been so long since anybody has tapped on Jodie's pristine oyster (or as the Health Department calls it, "A free pass to the clinic!") and a cherry pearl has magically grown inside of her sugar shell making her a virgin again.
"I find it so hard to trust men now that I always wait for ages before agreeing to sex. I've had so many shit men in my life that I get scared of letting go. I'm basically celibate and like a virgin again. God knows what it would take to sleep with me now! If I could kiss anyone under the mistletoe this Christmas, it would have to be Gerard Butler or Tom Hardy."
Every maker of topical ointment for genital warts just opened up their windows and jumped to their death since there's no reason to go one. It's true, though. Jodie is as pure on the inside as she is on the outside. She has left her shameless slut ways behind her. Need some proof? Well, during this photo shoot, she did get gang banged by those giant dickcicles, but she only let them stick the tip in, so you know she's a changed whore.
Never mind that creepy ass Doug Hutchison looks like a Cuban lesbian busser at a mariachi bar, the goddess of the lizard kingdom made all the innocent children drown their eyeballs in vats of holy water when she flashed her all-natural shit on the streets of L.A. while going to a shoot for Funny or Die. Chris Hansen just passed out, PedoBear just mumbled "too easy" to himself and EVERYBODY just sent Courtney a box of Cuchinis. Doug should be arrested for a million reasons (i.e. killing a bear and wearing one of its ass cheeks on his head), but one of those reasons isn't for letting his slut toddler wife walk around half-nekkid in December, because we all know amphibians are cold-blood.
And I really hope the pap didn't ring the alarm by telling Courtney her silicone tit cutlet is heading south, because it really needs to get away from that situation. Let's hope its cleansing itself of this "Heidi and Spencer meets Jerry Lee Lewis and his cousin" fuckery in a Buddhist monastery somewhere.
Because Courtney Stodden's whore master of a mother sold her to a has-been Hollywood actor at the age of 16, she never got to go to prom like other teenage amphibians. So the delicate lizard slut made up for lost times by buying a truly exquisite gown she found bundled into a ball at the bottom of a clearance box in the back of the Frederick's of Hollywood Outlet at the Ontario Mills. Some might've dropped the dress after reading the line "Sold As Is (mysterious bodily fluid stains, etc...)" on the tag hanging off of it, but Courtney wasn't going to let that stop her from bestowing a Classy Old Hollywood moment upon The Grove in L.A. Why do I have a sinking feeling in my colon that this is what Rosie O'Donnell's wedding pictures are going to look like? Complete with awkward "kneeing in the pussy" pose and everything.
There's a serious civil war going down on top of Courtney's head. Courtney's ashy real hair is trying to fight with her fake hair. One of Courtney's tooth is also trying to emancipate itself from her mouth. And her toes are desperately trying to break free from the clutches of her elegant silver whore heels. There's just a whole lot of uprising on Courtney. Courtney is truly the most gorgeous battlefield I've ever seen.
Secret Santa: Id love to lure you in by caressing my red lips up against your rosiness as my lustrous legs lie on top of your levitating lap
Had such an erotic afternoon after being elegantly bound with whips & chains for a brand new foxy photo shoot... XOs
Tenderly trembling my tantalizing tongue up - down - & all around the sugarcoated candy-cane of Christmas! XOs
I'm calling it now. The last one is my Christmas card. Stay away, bitches.
Haven't you always thought that the likes of Ava Gardner, Veronica Lake, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Lamour and Jean Harlow would be a lot more "classier" and "Old Hollywood-ier" if they teased their hair into an AquaNet nest, painted their titty balls a beautiful shade of Tang sludge, wore every Wet 'N Wild product available on their face, wore an arm band that can double as a curtain holdback and carried a Fraggle Rock dog? You have, right? Well, so has the porn iguana that is Courtney Stodden.
Courtney tells The Fab Life that she's bringing back classy old Hollywood and stuff like that. Thank EVERYTHING for this. The Seven Year Itch, The Sun Also Rises and The Blue Dahlia are such tacky pieces of trash and they can finally be remade with the kind of understated elegance that only Courtney Stodden can provide. I mean, classic seduction IS contorting your face like a dilophosaurus on the attack. OLD HOLLYWOOD: Courtney Stodden is finally doing it right.
Just like every good Christian girl, 17-year-old Courtney Stodden gave herself tromp l'oeil cleavage with the bronzer of Christ and shoved her iguana feet into too-small prayin' heels to thank Jesus for clear bra straps at her church yesterday. You know, I don't go to church because the wine they serve is way too fucking weak, but if this ethereal Komodo Slut Dragon slithered in, I'd find a way to turn my pew around to worship at her suffocating feet and the 90s relic wrapped around her arm. God would understand, because when he created humans, he hoped that we would evolve into mortal goddesses whose prized possession is a Victoria's Secret charge card. Just like Courtney.
I bet when the collection plate came around, everybody threw dollar bills at Courtney instead. Can I get an AMEN (and a police officer, because I'm pretty sure Courtney stole the purse my mom bought at Fedco in the 80s)?
Kate Middleton was shoved to the side and a new fashion icon of Britain was declared last night when TOWIE's Lauren Pope floated onto the red carpet at the Breaking Dawn premiere like a pristine panty-less goddess riding the satin crimson wave to sophistication. Lauren Pope became my new religion and I was ready to pray to her tonight while only wearing two pillow cases cinched together with a sweatpants drawstring, but then I came across a ginger flower that bloomed in the German section of the Garden of Stunt Queens. Everything has changed!
Meet actor type Peer Kusmagk and his girlfriend Isabella Recke (wreck is right). Don't ask me, I don't know who they are. Even if somebody tried to explain them to me using penis puppets (you know how my brain perks up at penis puppets), I still wouldn't know who these two are. But it doesn't matter. Everything I need to know about Peer and Isabella they eloquently communicated to me at some event in Berlin last night.
The two photographers there got up close and personal with Isabella's freckled and moly nalgitas every time she or Peer parted her sheer black curtains. You might be thinking that Isabella would've saved herself some time if she just left that dress on her bedroom floor and came to the party wearing only those black chonies. But that would've been tacky and that's something Isabella is not. A certain seductive mystique filled the air when Isabella exposed her ass cheeks the same way a patient lifts up his hospital gown right before getting a suppository from a nurse. This is performance art!! (It was also performance fart when Isabella flexed her ass cheeks a little too much.)
It was a long search, but finally the German Phoebe Price has been found!
If the lady behind you is not preparing her nostrils for the scented current of snatch that is about to blow her way, then you're working the red carpet wrong. This is Lauren Pope, of the British reality mess The Only Way Is Essex, at last night's London premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymens, Part 1.
For those refined ladies out there who want to look like their body is luxuriating in expensive glamour but don't have the budget for it, take an economical styling tip from Lauren Pope. Sneak into your local brothel, rip two satin curtain panels from their rods, slap one on each side of your body, cinch it together with a luggage belt around your waist and BAM! Lauren calls it "The Scarlett O'Whorah." You don't even need double-sided tape to keep your dress from flying up and exposing the goods for free. Just do what Lauren did and dab a little of your natural coochie glue on your thigh.
Not wearing panties will tell the world that you've got a resilient pussy that can handle the elements and your labia lips flapping in the night wind will provide a romantic soundtrack. This ensemble is everything. Thank you, Lauren.
Lauren is the only Pope we should be worshiping.