Why Are You Doing This To Us?

The World's Most Beautiful Woman was on another talk show last night, because she's not overexposed enough and she won't stop popping up everywhere until the image of her face is embedded into your brain and she starts invading your nightmares. (Note: This finally happened to me last night. I had a nightmare where I went to a party in a barn. A BARN! Goopy was there serving Country Time lemonade in mason jars. Goopy doesn't serve anyone and there's no way she'd serve Country Time lemonade and I don't think she even knows what a mason jar is. I knew it was a trick, so I kept walking.) Goopy was on Chelsea Lately and after Chelsea Handler wet kissed Goopy's 22-year-old stripper ass for a bit, she talked about how good Goopy is at giving advice.

Chelsea said that one time at a dinner party, Goopy's friends cried about a fight she had with her husband. Goopy's friend and her husband were all mad at each other and she didn't know what to do. You'd think that Goopy would tell her that she and her husband are angry, because they eat too much gluten, sugar, carbs and food, so they need to starve themselves until their internal organs are on the verge of shutting down and then they'll be too weak to fight. Problem solved! But instead of saying that, Chelsea said that Goopy gave her friend some different advice.

"[Gwyneth's] an amazing advice-giver. And one of her friends is like, 'I got in a big fight with my husband and I went home and I just wanted to scream and yell,' and you were like, 'Whatever you're doing, do the opposite. If you feel angry, go at him with love and you give him a blowjob.'"

Blowjobs really do solving everything, but I don't know if that's the best advice. You might not know what to think if your piece is screaming at you one minute and then trying to suck you off the next. Does a dude really want to put his peen into the mouth of an angry trick? That's only a good idea if the dude really wants to see his peen sitting in his wife's stomach on an X-Ray. That's some marriage advice from Lorena Bobbitt shit. But it works for Goopy, because ever since she told Chris Martin that she's going to blow him every time he's angry at her, he walks around the house with a smile on his face and a joyous skip in his step!

And Goopy also talked about how Chelsea needs to see a brain doctor, because she asks for the check before entrees are served and she once mistook her gardener's car for her own. Oh, Goopy, that's called being a drunk!

via E! 

Suck on a ginger candy and get yourself a tall glass of soda water and a plate of saltines, because the heaves are a comin'.

Goopy Paltrow tells Ellen, in an episode airing today, that she obviously couldn't wear panties under the dress she wore to the Iron Man 3 premiere in Hollywood, so she had to do a little last-minute goop grooming. Goopy wants us to believe that dress was her only dress option (eye roll #1) and that she had no choice but to wear it (eye roll #2) and so her people had to find a razor to shave her goop fur off with (eye roll #3 + the heaves). Here's Goopy and Ellen's conversation about her wild crotch forest (via UsWeekly):

Goop: I kind of had a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went and I couldn't wear underwear. I don't think I can tell this story on TV!

Ellen: Well, now you've told it.

Goop: Well, let's just say that everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day.

Ellen: I really have some questions now. You certainly don't take care of yourself. I mean, it was just the side of your leg. What is going on with you?

Goop: I work a 70s vibe, you know?

I'm with Ellen. Why would Goop need to shave the overgrown shrub on her Apple maker when she was just showing off her ass? Couldn't she just put her pubes into a low messy bun and call it a day? Is this Goopy's way of telling us that she has ass hair? Bitch had to shave her ass! I have heard that butt fur is a sign of true royalty. I mean, Queen Elizabeth has to take a Flowbee to her ass.

But seriously, Goopy is such a luxurious creature that she's got one of those Rumpelstiltscrotches and spins strands of gold from her coochie area. So I'm sure that once her slaves shaved all of the golden pube fur off of her crotch, they melted it down and made dozens of solid gold clip-on labia rings that you can soon buy on GOOP for $50,000 each.

And if you haven't heaved enough, here's Goopy rapping and singing a few lyrics of a Beyonce song.

And there's a headline that'll make your genitals close up or run up into your body and never come out.

Tan Mom serving up some "burnt, beached manatee" glamour in her topless beach photo shoot was only the beginning and what she really wants to do is spread her deep fried oyster for a peen on camera.  Teen Mom Farrah is trying to get $2 million for the porn she made with James Deen and Tan Mom writes in a letter to Vivid that nobody wants to see some young ho lay down some whack amateur coochie game. What the public really wants to see is Tan Mom's pork rind poon in action. Tan Mom writes:

"I see you are trying to buy this sex tape from this Teen Mom. Well, if you REALLY want to make more MONIES, then I would agree to let you film me and all my hotness. I am far MORE popular and WAY HOTTER than Farrah! Men want a cougar and a real woman, not a teenybopper. Contact me back if you're ready to talk serious cash and rock the world."

Steve Hirsch from Vivid isn't exactly reaching into his wallet to pull out some MONIES to give to Tan Mom. His response was: "Unfortunately we don't have a granny porn section on Vivid.com, but we feel your look would be perfect for radio. You could talk about everything you've ever done on a tanning bed."

Steve Hirsch can eat his own ass. Tan Mom doesn't belong in the granny porn category, she belongs in the leather fetish category. Get it right, Steve. But whatever, Tan Mom will show that beauty-hating Steve. She'll team up with OctoMom, they'll do a scissor porn together and make all the MONIES! The officials at Gitmo will buy every copy and use it as no-touch torture.

Tori Spelling showed off her hot, new "bikini body" (to go with her paper bag face) EXCLUSIVELY to UsWeekly and told them that she's finally got her body back after lending it to the four kids she gave birth to. Tori gained 30 pounds after birthing out her latest kid Finn, because she was diagnosed with placenta previa and had to spend four months in bed. The Creature from the Black Lagoon's favorite pin-up ghoul is fully recovered and weighs only 115 pounds now, so she's proud to shove her concrete ball titties back into a bikini.

There are so many things (example: THOSE SHOES!) to say about this, but why waste the keystrokes when all of my feelings are best expressed through those children's faces. Thank you for that, Tori's kids!

Kandi Burruss of The Real Housewives of Atlanta knocked the wig off of Kim Zolciak's head when she sued Kim for not giving her a dime of Tardy For The Party's profits. Kim slapped back at Kandi by claiming that she did give Kandi a cut of the profits and now Kandi is slapping back harder. The war between Kandi and Kim is now claiming causalities and those casualties are our ear drums.

Kandi obviously gave Funky Dineva this raw and untouched recording of the wailing wig yodeling out tattered and bruised musical notes while trying to sing "The Ring Didn't Mean A Thing." I guess being on key doesn't mean a thing either. Before you press play, you better prepared to laugh, cry and plug your ears to stop the bleeding. Pressing play will also bring the animal police to your front door, because this sounds like a deaf dog getting choked out. And all those "whoahs" sound like a drowning Joey Lawrence.

Kandi is oh so right for this. Or should I say, Kandi is whoaohwhoahohwhoah so right for this.

Disclaimer: I don't know for sure if that gorgeous masterpiece was taken at a Sears Portrait Studio, but the stunningly artistic background, the beautifully crafted mullet and the WTF look on that dog's face tells me it was.

In news that should make every American cry into a brown swirly cloth backdrop, The Wall Street Journal reports that it's the end of an awkward family photos era, because Sears has closed all of its portrait studios. The first Sears Portrait Studio opened in 1959 and it quickly became the go-to place for families to take the perfect awkward and fucked up picture. Here's the sad statement from Sears:

After many years of providing family portrait photography, we are sad to announce our Sears Portrait Studios are now closed. We appreciate your patronage and allowing us to capture your precious memories. If you currently have an album or have had a recent portrait session, you can order products at searsphotos.com thru April 18, 2013.

If you have had a recent session, your portraits may be available at your local studio.

In honor of this sad occasion, I would post the Sears Portrait I took as a kid, but I don't think anybody's in the mood to stare a fat chipmunk with an afro.

This is some sadness for your Saturday, but at least we still have Olan Mills and Glamour Shots. If both of those close, then all cameras should be destroyed and nobody should be allowed to take another picture again. We have failed the art of photography if Olan Mills and Glamour Shots shut down.

The Beyhive fell off the damn tree, cracked open and all the Beyhivers went crazy yesterday when Beyonce released her first solo song in 2 years on Tumblr. Nobody knows if "Bow Down/I Been On" is the first single off her new album or if it's just a song she decided to release to her subjects, because she really wanted to see them head bop their wigs off as they thrust against the floor to this mess of a song. The Catholic Church also announced that "Bow Down" will be Pope Francis the Fist's new entrance anthem.

The song actually sounds like 4 songs crashing into each other. It's like a car crash opera for my ears. In the first part, Beyonce sings about how her subjects better bow down and worship at the altar of her lace front and in the second part she drops her voice to do some rapping. Here's a piece of the lyrics:

I took some time to live my life, but don't think I'm just his little wife
Don't get it twisted, get it twisted, this my shit, bow down bitches

Blue Ivy Carter better get song writing credit for this shit, because the second line is the first thing she said as soon as she came out of the womb.

And if you need to hear this corrupted MIDI file of a song, spray holy water in your ears before pressing play, because this is an Illuminati aria if I ever heard one.

With that being said, I can't wait to see the Glittery Gays of You Tube twerking their asses to this in their mother's front room. They better pull out their Barbie My Size Royal Throne Playset from storage, because this song is going to need some regal props.

As Justin Bieber continued to wah wah wah on Instagram about how the paparazzi totally shat on his Super Sweet 19 birthday party, his partner in hood rat stuff foolery Jaden Smith hung out with the youngest member of the Kartrashian Klan in London. 14-year-old Jaden Smith and 15-year-old Kylie Jenner went to dinner at Nobu Berkley in London last night and then walked around the streets this morning. Before you start shouting about how Kylie Jenner should be in school, I'll have your ass know that she's enrolled in Pimp Mama Kris's School of Fame Whoring and walking around in front of the paps with Jaden Smith is part of her finals. (SPOILER ALERT: PMK is going to give her an F, because she didn't start a teen wedding rumor by wearing a ring on her hitchin' finger and she didn't start a teen pregnancy rumor by clutching her stomach like she's knocked up. Fame whore fail.)

The good news is that Will Smith was with them at dinner last night, so Jaden Smith couldn't use one of his mom's old drivers licenses to buy themselves some booze. The bad news is that Will Smith was with them at dinner last night, which means he totally condones this mess. Didn't Will Smith listen when Willow Smith told him to stop throwing them on the fame whore train? Obviously not, because there he is smiling for the paps as his son works the stroll with one of PMK's girls. I am side-eyeing Will Smith for joining fame whore forces with PMK and for letting his son wear a bandanna leg warmer.

PMK must have some serious shit on Will and Jada. Because any normal parent would throw a chastity belt on their son if PMK asked them, "So, your son's not a shy pee-er, right?"

In between talking shit about Kelly Clarkson and announcing his love for coochie and cock, Clive Davies writes in his new memoir that he's working on a big Broadway revival of My Fair Lady. Clive has always wanted to produce a Broadway musical and now his dream might come true, because he recently got the stage rights to My Fair Lady. Anne Hathaway is currently spending her days working with Coach Taylor Swift on her OHMYGAWDMYNIPSEXPLODEDICANBELIEVEIWON face for when she wins the Oscar on Sunday, but once she's done with that, Clive wants her to play Eliza Doolittle in his big revival. Oh, wouldn't that be barferly? According to Playbill, Clive writes this in his book:

"I always wanted to produce a Broadway show, and I've never done it. I'm hopeful we will prepare and finalize everything this year to bring My Fair Lady next year to Broadway with a stellar cast. I don't want to jinx myself, but we're in discussions with two magnificent performers and a wonderful director to do that. I was always hoping that the tradition of great musicals giving birth to songs that are part of the fabric of our culture would continue. But that has not happened. We've had hit Broadway shows, but the scores have not really been up to that golden-era tradition.

So since that has not occurred, I really want to make sure that the greatest musical of all time — which to me is My Fair Lady — can show once again why a classic can be as meaningful half a century later as it was when it originally opened. I look forward to that."

Clive says that he wants Anne to play Eliza and Colin Firth to play 'Enry 'Iggins, and he's hoping Bartlett Sher will direct.

Anne Hathaway is every high school drama student I've ever met mashed into one person. She probably does vocal warmups before she lets out an orgasm wail and if Lea Michele wasn't already the real-life Rachel Berry, I'd say Anne Hathaway is the real-life Rachel Berry. So yodeling on Broadway is her destiny! The only Anne I want to see as Eliza Doolittle is Anne Burrell, but the role of Eliza Doolittle is still perfect for Anne Hathaway. My Fair Lady is one of the ultimate makeover musicals and Anne is pretty much the queen of makeovers in movies. It's not an Anne Hathaway project unless bitch gets a makeover in it.

Here's Anne working the Justin Bieber circa 2011 hair at the Costume Designer Guild Awards last night.

No, this isn't a still from Disney Junior's upcoming adaptation of Boys Don't Cry. This is a picture from Justin Bieber's fan site (via ONTD) of him grabbing a Belieber boob at a meet-and-greet (more like a meet-and-grope) after his show in Miami. Too many questions! Not enough answers!

Did she ask him to hand hug her titty, because she thought that maybe his balls would finally drop if he went to second base? Is this a side hug gone terribly, terribly wrong? Why is she making a face like her soul is trying escape through her mouth and she won't let it? Why didn't anybody call 911? Why does this picture make Justin Beiber look like a child-touching child? When you go to a Canadian hospital and you ask for a mammogram, is this what happens? How does she make her bangs look like Marv Albert's toupee? Is this her Selena Gomez cosplay look?

But the most important and relevant question of all is, why am I still typing words about this picture when I should be pouring boiling water from an electric tea kettle into my eyes instead?

And while I do that, here's a topless Bieber in Miami yesterday. I'm not helping, I know.