Why Are You Doing This To Us?

I swear, Lil Wayne gets a paternity request as often as I get an anonymous e-card from inSPOT. Whoops, I got another in my inbox. And whoops, Lil Wayne's got another one in his inbox too. Yes, another one. Even Maury is through with Lil Wayne's gremlin sperm attacking ovaries and he no longer has the voice to narrate Weezy's paternity results.

A woman in Missouri claims that every time she stares into her 8-year-old grandchild's face, "Magic Dance" from Labyrinth plays in her head and this could only mean one thing: the kid is related to Lil Wayne! TMZ reports that while Lil Wayne was making soap bar art at Rikers, he was served with a court order forcing him to submit a DNA sample before December 9th. The legal papers state that the woman has reason to believe that Lil Wayne knocked up her daughter 8 years ago. The daughter's name isn't anywhere on the court papers and TMZ doesn't know why this is so.

If the DNA results prove that Lil Wayne's the father, the kid will be his fifth...that his ass knows of.

Weezy and all his baby mamas must be looking to spawn. I mean, everybody knows that if you're going to mess with Weezy like that, you not only have to put a condom over your head to blur the intensity of his face, but you also have to put a condom over every inch of your body! Weezy's all-powerful goblin chowder can seep through your pores and travel to your ovaries. You don't play with that. Dude seriously has bionic bunny sperm.

At the 2:00 mark in the video above, RiRi glides out onto the stage to sing "Livin' On A Prayer" with Bon Jovi. This happened at a pre-MTV EMAs concert in Madrid last night. I'm not going to ask "Whose idea? What kind of drugs? Or why was is this necessary in life?", because I'm actually enjoying this.

From Jon Bon Jovi's nip slip teases to RiRi's "Your momma on low-grade E and orange juice" moves (TAKE THAT, DEMI MOORE!), this is just the kind of mess I needed today. And RiRi has scored some extra credit for dressing like one of Dracula's third-tier concubines. That shit she's wearing is definitely from Fredrick's of Hollywood's Illuminati Sweetheart collection.

This shit involves drunk rugby players, a dog, a cell phone camera, zero amounts of dignity and a thick slathering of SUCIO FUCKING SUCIO, so you might want to prepare to give yourself a Silkwood bath in the sink of your office's bathroom. I mean, my dog hasn't stopped giving me a "You're never buying peanut butter again" side-eye since this story hit my screen.

Joel Monaghan, an Australian rugby player for the Canberra Raiders, will forever be known as dog slobber nuts because of a certain not right picture that has been making the rounds on Twitter for a few days. The picture is of Joel holding the ears of his teammate's dog while the poor pooch licks on his kibbles 'n bits. No word on why the dog gave him caninelingus (WHY!!!!), but don't be surprised if Joel puts out a book titled "50 uses for Vegemite".

The Herald Sun says that it's to be believed that the dumb fuck picture taker is a member of the Raiders rugby team. The CEO of the Raiders has opening up an investigation into the picture and the RSPCA wants the authorities to press charges against Joel since doggy oral is illegal.

According to Joel's publicist, he's put his tail between his legs and is shuffling off to a therapist to seek help for this mess:

"Joel can't blame anyone but himself for an act of stupidity that will haunt him for the rest of his life. Joel wants to make it clear that he was the one playing a prank on an absent teammate by simulating the act. There are no words of explanation that can be offered because none can be appropriate. Joel has to now face his family as well as fans and supporters with that shame and has already undergone counselling to help him cope with the consequences of what has happened.

It was a moment of abject stupidity brought about by too much drink and a complete lack of any thought process. The fact that someone has sought to compound the situation further by the use of social media only adds to the trauma, but Joel accepts that it is his actions alone that are at fault."

You're on your own if you want to see the full Not Safe For Life picture since I've already thrown my cookies into the trash and washed out my eyes of it. Just note that Googling "blonde dog licking rugby peen" might get a knock on your cubicle door from Annemarie Lucas.

This is no time for jokes! The only way this story could've had a sort-of happy ending is if there was a follow-up picture of the dog smiling into the camera with a piece of dick root in its mouth.

via Life Is Savage

Auto-tune was created by Satan's minions as a way to spread his evil across the world by making any no-talent fame whoring trick believe that they don't need to be able to sing in order to have a successful career in music. That shit is the real Pandora's Box. cASSe in point: TMZ has already reported that Kim Kardassian is working an album of songs with The Dream (more like THE NIGHTMARE MAKER) and here's one of her alleged demos called Shake. Hmmm. I wonder why Kim's first single is called Shake?

Is it because that's what her double down ass is going to be doing straight into the HD camera lens for her video? Or is it because that's the substance Kim is going to seductively pour all over her chesticles when she debuts this song in front of Million of Milkshakes. Or is it because the thought of any Kardashian (except Kris, of course) putting out an album makes me wants to smoke a giant pile of SHAKE. It's all of the above, obviously.

To be honest, the song is generic as all fuck, but it's not bad. It's especially not bad if you picture Kim's ass singing it into a fan while Kris holds up a recorder.

UPDATE: Kim Kardassian tells Celebuzz this isn't her voice on that shit. You know, I think Kim's telling the truth. When I played it backwards, I didn't hear the dark prince of the underworld cackling about how he's going to enjoy eating all of our souls in 2012.

And here's a few pictures of the future Vanity (No, I didn't) with her sisters at the NYC opening of Dash last night.

The pap who took these pictures of Justin Bieber running out of The Grove says he had to go Tinkle Tinkle Little Star in a major way and that's why he's doing the pinch. Well, we now know that The Bieb is potty trained. Yeah, you're welcome for that.

And I have to say that I approve of Shawty Mane's hipster baby glasses. But that's just because next to Daphne, Velma Dinkley is my favorite member of the Scooby Doo crew. Zoinks indeed!

Even some of the biggest sluts I know have cut back on their random acts of ho shit out of fear that the scariest blood-sucking creature in New York (next to that old wheezy queen Carl Paladino, of course) will jump off of their one-night-stand's mattress and onto their nalgas to EAT EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIVES! I mean, a couple of weeks ago I watched some hot drunken ho with the bottom of her dress practically riding up to her neck stumble out of a bar and land right on an old sidewalk sofa. In her one moment of clarity, this bitch jumped off of it like it was Mel Gibson's face and started screaming about BED BUGS!!!! See, those asshole bed bugs are ruining everybody's game! But apparently, there's one bitch out here who HAHAHAHAs at our bed bug overlords.

Look at Hugh Jackmeoff lying on a giant bed bug nest like nothing while his daughter and wife think to themselves that they should pick up a few face masks and turtlenecks on the way home since they might have the complexion of Paris Hilton's labia in a few days.

Busting out wonky facial expressions that makes it seem like his dick is caught in the guitar strap and he's trying to yank it out without breaking character is John Mayer's thing, but a new contender has emerged! In the video for Mark Salling's (mostly known as Puck from Glee) song "Illusions", he throws a few Mayer-like faces that makes you wonder if he's really into that shit or if there's a fleshlight stuck to the back of his guitar.

And as for this Maroon 5 queef of a song, let's just say that I'd probably enjoy it more if it was sung on the roof top of a building in New York (but really filmed on a soundstage in L.A.) by the cast of The Heights. Or I'd enjoy it more if the only thing Mark was wearing was that guitar. Either or!

via E! Online

I know, two "WHIP MAH HAIR" posts back to back!!! Monday is chewing my finger tips up and spitting them out! Your neck bone is already splintering like a cavewhore's overused wooden dildo from the post below, so you might as well break it all the way by pressing play on the official video for Willow Smith's ode to kindergarten whiplash.

Well, at least this tangled tether ball of a video is educational. I mean, we now know the REAL secret behind Jackson Pollock's technique.

Click here if that video above isn't working.

via FNM (Thanks Kim)

Justin Bieber has birthed out an alter ego he's calling "Shawty Mane" ("Shawty Mane" might also be Kanye's nickname for his taint bush, so somebody should fact check that) for his new career in rap! Even though a newborn wearing glasses never fails to entertain and Shawty Mane singes the tips of Tom Brady's copycat Bieber bowl, I cannot with this right now.

Isn't there some kind of kindergarten version of the East Coast/West Coast feud we can throw Shawty Mane into? P-Nut, Astro Kid and Mini Daddy better pick a side of the playground wisely!

via XXLMag

17-year-old Angus T. Jones (seen here with his fluorescent gingerling of a brother) of Two and a Half Men will continue to play Jake Harper on the show for the next two seasons in exchange for $300,000 per episode and a $500,000 signing bonus. Basically, CBS filled their dump truck with crisp hundred dollars bill, backed it onto Angus' front yard and dropped that shit. Angus is making it rain thanks to people like my mom who will stab a trick in the froat with a rusty spork if you interrupt them during Two and a Half Men (I will send her a hate note in a Precious Moments card on your behalf).

TMZ says that CBS has ordered 48 episodes of the show, which means that Angus' piggy bank will be filled with $14.4 million not including bonuses. Charlie Sheen makes $2 million an episode, and Jon Cryer gets around $450,000.

Angus needs to close his ears and hum a loud tune whenever Charlie Sheen tries to give him financial advice. Dude does not want to waste all of his money on overpriced pussy peddlers, the bad shit and fancy cars he will eventually drunk drive into the canyon near his mansion. Learn from Gary Coleman and MC Hammer. Angus wants his future to look like this:

In the future, Angus does not want to be selling his Underoos on eBay and hosting the opening of mobile phone kiosks in exchange for a gift card to Walgreens. Scratch that. That was a bad example since being a professional panty seller on eBay is better than being Frankie Muniz.