Why Are You Doing This To Us?

On Larry King last night (seeee beeeelow), Balloon Boy kind of let the publicity stunt out of the bag when he blurted out, "You said it was for a show" during the interview. CUE AWKWARD PAUSE! That's obviously not how they rehearsed it, because Balloon Boy's parents were at a lost for words. It's like when you take a hot piece home from the bar, and you rip off their chonies only to find that they've got a peen the size of button mushroom. You scream to yourself, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!" Well, that was basically the look on both of Balloon Boy's parents. HA.

And Wolf Blitzer proved that he needs to spend a little intimate time with a prostitute named "GET A CLUE," because he did not follow up Balloon Boy's bomb. Which leads us to Today this morning....

When Meredith Vieira asked Balloon Boy's skeezy daddy about the talk that the whole thing was just a publicity stunt, out came the barfs! I'm sure Balloon Boy wasn't the only one getting physically sick. Luckily, the family just happened to have a barf bucket at hand, so while Balloon Boy yacked it up, his father went on with the interview. In the Joe Jackson child pimp handbook, it says that if a boy barfs, keep on tapping! Balloon Boy's daddy must have read it before the interview.

The father tried to explain that Balloon Boy only said it was for a show on Larry King last night, because earlier when one of the producers asked him to recreate getting into the attic, the producer said it was "for a show." Balloon Boy's dad also said he was sickened by the accusations that a family who was on Wife Swap twice would actually fake something like this for publicity. Yeah, he wasn't the only one getting sick obviously.

So what's the moral of this story? Never EVER trust a grown ass man with boy band hair circa 1991!

TyTy Baby's talk show is usually full shit, but this Friday's episode is really going to be full of shit. LITERALLY.

TyTy is bragging about how her show will air the first ever televised colonic. Unfortunately, it won't be performed on her mouth. Instead, some unlucky bitch will get their caca sucked out while TyTy's audience and the entire country watches on. You know TyTy is going to stand over the poor soul and ask, "Is your asshole smizing?!"

Some people can't even poop with their cat in the bathroom staring at them, so I can only imagine how it must feel to have a tube up your no-no while a crowd dry heaves in front of you. Actually, I don't really have to imagine it since that's how I spent my weekend, and it wasn't fun as I thought it was going to be.

And I wonder how TyTy is going to top this one? On the next Tyra: TyTy gets to the bottom of menstrual berries!!

Joe Jackson's strong pimp hand is at it again! When Michael Jackson was alive, he went to great lengths (i.e. masks) to make sure his kids lives' be as private as possible. Well, the Jackson family is saying "FUCK THAT," because they have agreed to allow Michael's 3 kids to star in the new A&E reality show about the family which airs this December.

One source told UsWeekly that even though Janet and Katherine are on the show, not all the Jacksons are happy about this. Rebbie has refused to be a part of this fuckery, and she doesn't think MJ's kids should involved either. The source added, "Rebbie feels Michael would spin in his grave if he knew his kids would be on this show."

The show's executive producer told UsWeekly, "We have 23 cast members with the last name Jackson. They've done a great job opening up about losing a brother."

Joe Jackson had this to say: "PRIVACY DON'T PAY THE BILLS! BUY MY BLU-RAY DISCS!" (he didn't say that)

UPDATE: Katherine Jackson issued a statement to TMZ shooting this down. Katherine said Michael would never want his kids on TV and she will honor that. As long as she's their legal guardian, Michael's kids will never be on a TV show.

You might have already read about pet "teacup pigs" being all the rage right now. So, of course, Parasite Hilton had to get on that by dropping $4,500 for her very own micro piggy from Oregon. Wonky's new toy has already arrived and she named her "Miss Pigelette." Apparently, unlike Wonky, Miss Pigelette is already potty-trained.

Wonky's spokesbitch said: "Paris is thrilled! She is a major animal lover and is excited for the arrival of her new piglette."

Just because Wonky is always in the doggy-style position doesn't make her a "major animal lover."

Poor piggy is going to get bullied around by Wonky's crotch crustaceans! They are going to nip at it and force it to hide underneath the sofa. And if that's not bad enough, the swine probably has the Wonky Flu by now. Why isn't Peta parachuting into Wonky's house to save that piglet!

Speaking of "poor creatures in distress," here's Wonky at the opening of Carnival in NYC the other night with a chimp. Why is that chimp kissing on Wonky? Doesn't he know where her mouth has been?! Free clinic, here he comes. Sad faces all around.

The Duggar family added another BABY!!! to their unstoppable child army last night. The oldest Duggar child, Joshua, and his wife, Ann, are now the parents of a brand new baby friend they named Mackynzie Renée Duggar. Mackynzie (pronounced: SAVE ME) is the first Duggar grandchild. Mackynzie's grandparents, Michelle and Jim Bob, are going to have their 19th baby this spring.

It's not really news that another Duggar popped out a baby. Humans comes shooting out of a Duggar cooch on a daily basis. This time next month, I'm sure the Duggars will announce that Mackynzie is knocked up with triplets. There's something in the Kool-Aid over there and they all keep drinking it!

When you get a cramp in your uterus, it's because one of the Duggars got knocked up again. Your uterus is weeping.

Anyway, the real news it that Joshua and Anna might going after the letter "M." As you might know, Michelle and Jim Bob always give their children "J" names. This means that Joshua and Anna could do the same thing with the letter "M." NOOOOO!

All of us with "M" names should file a class-action lawsuit against the Duggars. We must protect the letter from them. If that doesn't work, I guess I can officially change my name to my junior high school nickname: Dyke-el. Thanks to the Duggars, the bullies have won.

Source: MSNBC

The Australian show Hey Hey It's Saturday (even though it's Wednesday) welcomed Harry Connick Jr. on their live reunion show where he performed and guest judged the talent competition called Red Faces. Well, Red Faces was full of painted on black faces when a group called the "Jackson Jive" came out . And my face turned absolutely dead white. THE FUCK IS THIS?!

They had been on the show 20 years ago, and apparently were really popular, so they came back for more fuckery. The audience seemed to enjoy their asses and even brought the boos when the group was gonged. However, Harry wasn't amused. Not only did he give him them a giant ZERO, but when he got backstage, he threatened to quit that bitch. The producers and the host told Harry that they would let him say a few words about his feeling towards that shit.

Harry said, "I just wanted to say on behalf of my country, I know it was done humorously, but we’ve spent so much time trying to not make black people look like buffoons, that when we see something like that, we take it really to heart. I know it was in good fun, and the last thing I want to do is take this show to a down level—because you know how much I love this show and this country—but I feel like I’m at home here, and if I knew that was going to be part of the show, I probably—I definitely wouldn’t have done it.”

The dudes who took part in the skit still don't think it was that offensive. They said they did it as a tribute to Michael Jackson (insert THIS FACE here). One of the dudes said, "I suspect things are probably a bit different in America in terms of what that (black face) mean. I understand the history of the black face but certainly it was not construed in that way at all. All six of us discussed this at length whether or not we should put this on because we realised it may be controversial. We did go to the trouble of checking with the production staff and they seemed to ok it. Two of us come from India and one of us comes from Lebanon so we can't afford to be racist to be honest. If we did offend him (Connick) we truly didn't meant to."

I think the "Jackson Jive" needs to spend their Thursday night watching that episode of Gimme A Break! where Joey Lawrence performs in blackface at Nell's church and learns a life lesson from it. They can do that while I go and vacuum the fish tank.

VIA Scandalist

Do you see what Brit Brit's influence has on the children of the world!? A 9-year-old girl from Peru pretty much copied Brit's "Toxic" video shot-by-shot, outfit-by-outfit and move-by-move (insert THIS FACE here).

The thing is, she didn't do it with just a camcorder in her parents' garage. This had a bigger budget than Brit's "Gimme More" video. This shit is expensive! My guess is that homegirl's parents paid the bills for this mess. Or maybe Roman Polanski is making music videos now? Really, I can't.

And when you get to the part with the boy on a motorcycle, just shut down your computer, pull the power cord out of the wall and go weep in the dark. Actually, you'll probably start weeping right at the beginning.

Well, at least she lip-synchs better than Brit. Okay, back to weeping.

(Thanks Zaire)

This shit right here really gives me a reason to grab a bottle of peach Schnapps and go back to bed. There's a hateful rumor flying around the internet that a sparkly vampire is in the running to play a piping hot stick of ginge. Why don't they just go all the way and pull out my heart by casting Katherine Hagel or CHERYL BURKE as Prince Hot Ginge? Make it quick.

Last Week, director Peter Kosminsky said he's currently working on a biopic of Prince Hot Ginge's life called The Spare. Peter is in the middle of naming the lucky bitch who will don the ginge to play Prince Harry and RPattz's name has been thrown in the ring. Rupert Grint, the ginge in the Harry Potter movies, has also been mentioned.

Okay, I can almost co-sign Rupert as Prince Harry, because at least he's been naturally blessed with the ginge, but RPATZZ?! Shit don't make sense. I don't think it's possible to dye RPattz's magical forest hair. The unicorns will never ever allow it and the glitter will always shine through. Even if they were able to douse his hair with ginge and wipe that constant "I Haz Fart" look on his face, he's still not the one to play Hot Ginge!

Peter is wasting time with the flavors of the month and he needs to look at the classic ginges of our time like ROJO CALIENTE. Rojo is definitely the one. Rojo is always the one.

VIA BuddyTV

On last night's SNL, Lady CaCa and Vadge joined forces in a skit that was probably put together 5-minutes before in the men's bathroom while the two peed in a urinal. Don't get me wrong, Vadge looked hotter than a brand new mannequin out of the factory, but bitch has the comedic timing of a broken down toilet. You all know Lady CaCa makes my ass lips weepy, but at least she memorized her damn lines and wasn't on a 10-second delay. The producers should have just put a butt plug up Ryan Reynolds' ass and thrown a blonde wig on his head so that he could play Vadge. Actually, that might not have been believable since her biceps are bigger than his.

But seriously, this skit needed to be snatched away by Kanye West! This shit made me want to rub my CAPS-LOCK key while praying for Kanye to pop out on stage and SAVE THEM ALL! Apple should really make an iPhone app for that.

If you want to see the rest of Lady CaCa's skits and performances, skip on over to ONTD. Below is CaCa performing inside my fifth grade science project. Mark this day in history, because this is the first CaCa performance that actually made me smile like a Wino in front of a crackpipe. Skip to the 1:07 mark to see why.

Is it too soon for a reality talent show that is looking for a dancer that can move just like Michael Jackson? While we're all screaming "YES," Jermaine Jackson is nodding his Max Headroom head "NO," because he's going to judge one over in the UK. SANTO DIOS!

Later this year, Jermaine will be the main judge on the BBC show Move Like Michael Jackson. The six-episode show will feature dancers who can moonwalk and crotch grab just like the King of Pop. The melting caramel square said in a statement, "Michael was a superb dancer who inspired people across the world to master his moves and create their own unique routines....AND I NEED A CHECK." That last part was improv, just so you know.

The most shocking thing about all of this is that Joe Jackson's hand is not anywhere near it. I sniffed the story thoroughly and didn't smell Blu-Ray dust or bull dog snot, so Joe is definitely not involved.

And there's really no need for this reality show since we all know who has "Michael Jackson moves" like nobody else: