Why Are You Doing This To Us?

Everybody, please gather around, hold hands and bow your heads for Michelle Duggar's lady parts, because they are going to go through some fucked up traumatic shit for like the zillionth time! Jim Bob, Michelle and their massive neverending child army were on Today this morning where they announced that they are expecting baby #19!!!!! Yes, the baby addict is getting her fix again! BABEHS just keep popping out of that clown car vag!

The 42-year-old babyhead told Meredith Vieira, "We are so thrilled. We just couldn't believe it is happening." Jim Bob added, "This never gets old. We are so grateful for each child. We are looking forward to our first grand baby and our 19th child."

Never gets old?! Tell that to Michelle's uterus! That poor thing has been holding up a white flag since baby #10 and nobody is listening. When baby #19 is about to come somersaulting out, Michelle's uterus is going to grab on to its feet while screaming "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" All it wants to do is to get out of that crazy bitch's body, head to the nearest crack house and drown its pain in the bad shit. Do you blame it? Even Ken Seeley from Intervention is shaking his head and saying, "Do you what you gotta do, Duggar Uterus."

Michelle added that she knows at her age there are certain risks (i.e. her pussy could fall off and throw itself into incoming traffic). Michelle says as far as she knows, her fetus is doing well. Michelle and the entire family would know! If they want to check on her fetus, they just have to pack a few granola bars, crawl into her vag, skip down her pussy tunnel toward her womb and wave to the fetus. Seriously, when Michelle is done being a human popcorn machine, she can open up a theme park in there. WOMBLAND!

Michelle and Jim Bob's oldest child, Joshua, is also expecting a baby friend this October with his wife. Michelle 3-months pregnant and is due in the spring.

In case you didn't know, all of the Duggars 18 children have names starting with the letter J. Michelle said that the family has already printed up a list of J names for boys and girls that they haven't used yet. How about "JUSTSTOPTHISFUCKERYALREADY Duggar"?

And here's a list of all of the Duggar children. While reading it, you might want to pet your vag and reassure it that you will never ever do this to it:

1. Joshua James, 21
2. Jane Marie, 19
3. John-David, 19
4. Jill Michelle, 18
5. Jessa Lauren, 16
6. Jinger Nicole, 15
7. Joseph Garrett, 14
8. Josiah Matthew, 13
9. Joy-Anna, 11
10. Jedidiah Robert, 10
11. Jeremiah Robert, 10
12. Jason Michael, 9
13. James Andrew, 8
14. Justin Samuel, 6
15. Jackson Levi, 5
16. Johanna Faith, 3
17. Jennifer Danielle, 2
18. Jordyn-Grace, 8 months

VIA Popeater

Am I having some kind of acid flashback, because I don't even know what I'm looking at. Slap me or stick an ice cube up my ass, because this does not feel like real life! Stacy Haiduk, who plays Mary Jane on The Young and the Restless, brought this puss purse as her date to the Daytime Emmy Awards tonight in L.A.. Don't worry, she kept a little bag of Tender Vittles up her ass to feed her cat later. FUCKERY!

I'm guessing that this is just a stuffed animal (the toy kind) bag and not an actual taxirdermy cat, because if that was the case PETA would be on this bitch like crabs on Parasite Hilton. PETA wouldn't throw a bag of flour on her like they did with LiLo, they'd throw an entire wheat field on this bitch! They wouldn't cover her in just a little paint, they would drop an entire Glidden factory on her head!

Stacy is all sorts of wrong for bringing her creepy purssy out in public! This piece of horrific fuckery should be kept at home.....in a trunk....a padlocked trunk. And I'm no Sylvia Browne, but I'm going to predict that we will all have the same star of our nightmares tonight: THIS PUSS PURSE! It's eyes are alive and it's gonna git you!

UPDATE: Thanks to zoohouse3 for letting my ass know that Stacy's character on the show is a Crazy McCrazy who thinks her dead cat is a real one. The stuffed cat she brought to the Emmys tonight is also the one she uses on the show. Stacy still needs to keep her creepy purssy in the studio! The children are crying!

Jon Grosslin's douche express made a stop over in Las Vegas yesterday so that he could host a pool party at Wet Republic at the MGM Grand. Even if MGM paid his ass in Ed Hardy diapers, a pair of CZ studs from Spencer's Gifts and a new potted plastic plant (for Hailey), then they still overpaid. MGM could've just put a lukewarm bottle of Summer's Eve on one of the lounge chairs and it would've been the exact same thing.

IN THIS ECONOMY, a check is a check, but what the hell is next for J.Gross? A rap album (Titled: 99 Problems and Kate is all of them)? A Girls Gone Wild video? Ick Nast. But at least Jon kept his Pillsbury dough moobs under wraps, so that was nice of him.

But enough about Jon and his neverending early mid-life crisis, let's talk about the glamorous beauty that is his mother! Now that Kate's rabid possum isn't around to maul her eyeballs, it's safe for her to come out and douche it up with her son!

Look at Mama Gosselin keeping it sessy in her visor while posing with the fly honeys (copyright: Marky Mark). Speaking of the fly honeys, the one posing with Mama Gosselin in the third thumbnail below is squeezing those thighs for dear life, because I think bitch's little friend is about to steal the spotlight. Tuck game FAIL! Squeeze, bitch, squeeze!

Hollywood has been trying to eff with Heathers for a while now. Winona Ryder was yapping about a sequel for a long time, then there was talks about a remake and now comes the worst idea of all worst ideas. Heathers: THE TV SHOW! This is obviously Hollywood's way of fucking us slowly with a chainsaw.

Variety brings us the bad news. They report that Mark Rizzo and Jenny Bicks (a writer from Sex and the City) are working together on this crap. They plan to update it and bring back all the characters from the movie. The casting alone is making me vommy. They are totally going to destroy us all by casting Ashley Jizzdale, Tater Head Willis, that Kristin Calamari chick from The Hills, the Miss Lolitas and one of the Jonas hos.

Can we just declare Heathers a historical site, which means evil bitches can't renovate it or fuck with its foundation? If that's not possible, somebody pour chocolate syrup all over Heathers: The TV Show and tell Martha Dumptruck dessert is served!

Kourtney Kardashian has been quiet the past few days, so I figured someone finally picked her up, put her in a corner, stuck a pacifier in her mouth and turned on a baby mobile so that she could be mesmerized by the fancy moving parts for a while. Well, Kourtney is back and she's brought a friend!

Kourtney and her brainmate Kendra Wilkinson are talking about breastfeeding in the new issue of UsWeekly. You know this is going to hurt.

Kendra says: "I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to nurse that when I saw stuff come out of my nipples the other day, I was like, I can breast-feed? And I asked my doctor, who said, 'That's fine, but it's not milk yet!'"

Kourtney added: "They say usually you can breast-feed with implants. I want to."

Then both of their fetuses jumped out of their bodies, ran to Pennsylvania and jumped into Kate Gosselin's womb. It's that serious.

(Image via Cover Awards)

Is this the face of a cunt who would intentionally destroy everything her husband has worked for just because she thinks he needs to dip his ass in other things like her? Well, Betty Confidential thinks it is. According to their sources, Fishsticks Paltrow wants her fellow cuntmeister husband to put Coldplay on pause, so that he can go and do his own thing.

Their source said, "Gwyneth has outright told Chris that he should consider going solo. She is busy doing all of her projects and she wants him to diversify as well. She doesn't have a problem with Coldplay, but she wants Chris to think about trying a solo album just to see if he likes it. When Gwyneth mentioned it, Chris was furious. He loves the band and he has no desire to change things right now. Chris basically ignored her and walked away."

To be fair, I think Chris completely ignores her ass anyway. When Fishy asks him if he wants steamed organic bird seed or cunt paella for dinner, Chris answers her by showing her his ass.

And I have a hard time believing this. Fishy could give a dinosaur's clit about what other bitches are doing. Fishy's nose is so far up her own ass that she simply can't be bothered to sniff at other people's shit.

In that white box is a mound of deliciousness that has been blessed by angels. And behind that box is a mound of cacaness in sunglasses that my toilet won't even bless. Too mean? Well, GOOD FUCKING GOOD! While I'm sitting here, nibbling on a soggy microwave burrito, Lady CaCa gets to feast on the food of the Gods. I mean, I sometimes like my In-N-Out animal-style, but I never want it caca-style.

Something is wrong with this picture. THIS BITCH! She's always getting me good!

Here's LC leaving LAX yesterday and arriving at her hotel in West Hollywood with my dreams in a box.

Spencer Pratt went through Brit Brit's trash can, pulled out her 2000 MTV VMAs outfit, brushed the Cheetos off, slid it over the factory-defected dildo that is Heidi Montag and pushed her out on the international stage during last night's Miss Universe pageant. He should've pushed her off the planet instead, because that was one of the biggest displays of fuckery I've every seen! This is why some people hate America!

You know, it was wrong of me to compare her to a dildo, because even used-up, ass dust-covered plastic fuck toys have more rhythm than this tranny pony!

If you took an elderly albino gorilla who was suffering from a serious case of Tourettes, got him drunk on the cheapest vodka, made him watch every episode The Hills, hit him over the head 12 times with a copper pot, spun him around 300 times while saying Spencer Pratt's name and then forced him to do this routine, he would still do a better job than Heidi Montag.

The only thing Heidi's "body language" is telling me is: FAIL.

And if you don't feel like making your brain bleed this early in the morning, just watch this video instead. It's the same thing sans Heidi's annoying ass face.

If you have a cat in the room right now, you might want to tell it to go take a walk while you watch this video. If you let it stay and watch, it will start to get ideas and expect you to give it a full-on massage WITH oils (it's a rebel).

This is a video from a magical land called the 1980s of some crazy cat lady instructing us on how to correctly massage a cat. This is basically like lady-on-cat softcore porn. For instance, she says that it's a good thing if your cat forgets to swallow and starts drooling at the mouth. That means your cat is loving your hands all over its body. Okay, does is it also a good thing if your cat lights up a cigarette after its drooling session, because that shit sounds like a happy ending. You can't fool drool.

And today's phrase that pays is: "Who's the best cat in the United States? It's you Champer Damper, it's you."

VIA Everything Is Terrible

Booooooo! Hissssssss! I want mah money back! So, yesterday, Gawker posted a short clip of a supposed threesome sex tape starring McSteamy, the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA turned drunken lady whore (my favorite kind). Well, the lawyers have attacked and claim they have seen the entire tape and there's no scenes featuring wet parts bumping. McSteamy's lawyer told TMZ: "From what I've seen it's a naked tape, not a sex tape. At most it's 3 people maybe wanting to have sex." I think he was disappointed to. Way to break a boner.

Eric has also issued a statement saying that he did not do intercourse stuff with Kari Ann Peniche (the Miss Teen USA chick). They might not have done sexy shit with each other, but they were definitely getting it on with some kind of pipe or joint, because those hos are riding HIGH.

Kari Ann co-signed Eric's claim that they have never had sex and also added that she thinks she knows how the tape got out. Kari Ann is pointing her Dirty Sanchez finger at Mindy McCready, the country crackienut. Mindy and Kari Ann were roommates after they finished shooting Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab together. MESSES! Kari Ann thinks that Mindy stole her computer's hard drive after they had a fight about money. When Kari Ann noticed that her hard drive was missing, she immediately filed a police report.

TMZ says that Kari Ann, Minday, Eric and the Noxzema Girl all had a meeting last month to talk about the stolen hard drive and the "nekkid" tape. They decided that Eric would get full rights to the tape and that was that....until it made its internet debut.

You know, who really cares about all the petty little details, just give us what we want! Fleshbot promises that they will post the uncensored clip today which features a cameo by Eric's McPeenis. No, we won't see it in action, but at least we get to see it. I know, it's the little things in life. Well, hopefully, it's the BIG things in life...

Just give us the peen already! Genitals everywhere are crying! Don't make our genitals weep!

UPDATE: Fleshbot posted the uncensored clip and every part of me is disappointed. Why do hos film a "nekkid tape" without lighting the goods properly. You can kind of see what Eric is working with, but not really. Get yourself an HD video camera and try again, Eric!