Why Are You Doing This To Us?

Mariah Yeater isn't the only trick who's slowly pushing Maury toward an early retirement so he can finally escape the paternity test fuckery. Star Magazine (via Radar) is reporting that some nobody from a short-lived reality shit show called Secrets of Aspen is telling her friends that she's pregnant with a blank check signed with Mel Gibson's old man jizz. Mel Gibson's dick: truly the gift that keeps on giving gold diggers the debit card baby of their dreams.

A source close to Laura Bellizzi claims that the fetus growing in her uterus is nearly 4-months old and she's trying to keep the identity of its father a secret from the media. Laura took a few unprotected rides on Mad Mel's wrinkled Swastadick over the summer after mutual friends introduced them. One of Laura's friends, Bridgette Willis, tells Rumor Fix that Mel is the father and the only way he'd be happier about this is if his newest spawn was born with a Hitler stache and sugar cube nipples. Bridgette put it like this:

“In fact, it was not long at all after she and Mel met that she became pregnant with his child. I don’t know if the baby was planned but I know Laura has told me that she and her parents are just so happy!

Laura told me, ‘Mel and I have a connection we are deeply connected. We talk every day on the phone.’ I believe from what Laura has told me Mel Gibson’s intentions are to keep this pregnancy under raps. Mel Gibson is taking care of Laura financially. This will include a luxurious home in a prominent gated community in Ladera Ranch in Orange County that she will soon move into. Also, she has told me that their baby will be enrolled in an elite private pre-school in San Juan Capistrano, CA. Last I was told there is a pre and post birth arrangement that has been instilled by Mel Gibson that will also include a trust fund for the baby. Laura has told me that she hasn’t asked for anything from Mel Gibson.”

Laura's lawyer denies that Mel is the co-maker of her unborn child and Mel's rep says this is a pack of lies. But I'm not sure....

The last time Mad Mel didn't destroy his anti-Semitic sperm fish by wrapping a rubber yarmulke over his peen head before sticking it in, he was exposed as an abuser of ladies, babies, Jacuzzis, telephones, voicemail boxes, ottomans, ear drums, nerves, etc... etc... So is Mel stupid enough to do that shit again? Yeah, totally. Mel is no match against an ambitious gold digger with smarts and drawing skills!

Mad Mel made a vow to only cum during a blowjob before Jacuzzi, but Laura wasn't going to let that stop her. Laura painted a beautiful Aryan lady face over her labia lips, threw a wiglet over the face and then did an elbow stand. Then as Mad Mel approached her, she used the ancient art of cuntriloquism to flap her coochie lips as she said, "Oh, my Catholic Prince, allow me to blowjob you before Jacuzzi." BOOM. Pregnant. Bitch is the Einstein of gold diggers.

Anybody who can't handle a raw bone-in chicken without thinking that it needs more freckles, smegma stains, coke clots and extra skin has already smeared their retinas on Lindsay Lohan's "check for cash" (copyright: Wildwood, N.J.) in paparazzi pictures. But you're about to get an encore performance, because TMZ is hearing that LiLo bares her titties, twat and ass in the spread that Playboy paid her almost $1 million for.

A source claims that one rumor going around that LiLo only went semi-nude is completely untrue, because the shoot just wrapped up yesterday and as the cameras were clicking she spread her legs and answered the question: "I wonder what it would look like if the Slim Jim Man rolled around in a cave full of rancid roast beef slices while wearing a bodysuit made of scabs?"

Lindsay Lohan has legal bills to pay and A CHECK IS A CHECK, so I say release the beast and get your money, bitch. Hundreds of tricks do this on a daily basis and do they collect a stack of bills for it? No. LiLo is boosting the economy with her chocha and containing all the flies in one place at the same time.

And to quote White Oprah: "Baby, you should pose for a $1 million spread in Playboy Magazine the same way you came into this world: naked and crying!"

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, 6-year-old-looking Justin Bieber gave his 19-year-old scissor sister Selena Gomez a titty check at a hockey game in Winnipeg over the weekend. Or maybe he's grabbing at hers while wishfully dreaming about the day that his finally come in. Then The Lesbeaver and Selena put everybody in that VIP box on some kind of list when they kissed on each other while 69-ing through their jerseys.

Okay, I was 12 once a million years ago, so I understand that kids do this kind of shit when their hormones tell them they're in love, but DAMN. Take this shit away from public eyes. This is why I told my mother never to throw away that empty refrigerator box in the garage. Not because I needed it for a science project, but because I needed it to make out in. Duh. Get an empty refrigerator box, Selena!

That titty grabbing picture is about as not right as not right can be. It's like reverse Pedophilia. And you know how I feel about piercing a baby's ears. Arrest them! Arrest their parents! Arrest us for looking at this! Arrest everybody!

Today's first "Fuck My Life" face is brought to you by the bought buffoon Kris Humphries.

The second "Fuck My Life" face is brought to you by thousands of trained actresses who have just lost yet another job to a fame whore piece of cold trash that has the talent of dried piss on an ass cheek.

Because Snooki is busy playing the role of Owl-Eyes in The Great Gatsby remake, Tyler Perry has cast amateur porn star Kim Kardashian in his newest church play turned movie The Marriage Counselor. Tyler was so impressed with Kim's ability to emote absolutely zero raw human emotion while getting her guts poked by Ray J's boomerang dick in her movie debut that he gave her the role of the title character's co-worker. The title character will be played by Jurnee Smollett. Deadline reports that shooting begins on that mess on October 26th in Atlanta.

Tyler Perry + Kim Kuntrashian + a plot that definitely involves a child touching uncle and an epiphany from the lord = the only time in the history of ever that the public actually misses Madea.

Seriously, if Tyler Perry really wanted a Kardashian-like whore for that role, he should've just wrapped his Madea fat suit in Spanx, threw a melted alien mask over his face and BOOM! Bitch can play that role himself. Because he's soon going to find out how annoying it is to work with Kim Kardashian. "Sorry, Tyler, Kim is trying to suck off the boom mic again" is a line he'll hear from the crew at least once a day. Tyler should do what the Keeping Up with the Kardashians production crew does: only use white boom mics.

Here's soon-to-be Oscar winner Kim Kardashian with her paid husband at her 31st birthday party in NYC last night. Pink sang for her. Oh, Pink, I thought I knew you.....

Since Lindsay Lohan can't even get a job scaring the bowels out of a bitch with her "Ayes Snort Your Brainz" face at Knott's Scary Farm, White Oprah needs somebody to be the main coke winner of the family since the ball of Vicodin mash in her head gets an allergic reaction every time it thinks of getting a real job to support her family. And the only cure for that allergy is to a shove a Neti Pot full of vodka up the swollen anus on her nose. Who's going to pay for her medicine?! That's where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in.

As you've already laughed your lungs out, Ali was signed to NEXT Model Management back in August and was called a future fashion icon by her agent (who obviously said this after staring deep into the crystal meth ball). And now here's the future of fashion ("But I want to live in the past..." - fashion) on something called Fault Magazine with a rayon dutch boy wig on her head and an ear full of White Oprah screaming at her to pose faster, because they need to get to the plastic surgeon's office so he can make her even skinnier by lipoing out the fatter pieces of her soul.

I pains me to say this, especially as a Barbizon alumni, but some of these pictures aren't as awful as I'd think they would be. Yes, in some these shots she looks like a malnourished Gorn in Blade Runner drag. But the freckled wonder sort of pulls it off in other pictures.

This is still a freckled-splattered wrong and White Oprah should be charged under the anti-terrorism act. I mean, this photo shoot is funding the Lohan's famewhoring ways. Case closed!

A nightmare was born in my stomach and crawled up my throat, dragging a dozen heaves with it as I watched this disgusting ass video, so since I've always been your best friend I'm bringing you down with me. Stop nibbling on your morning breakfast of a fried egg and tube noodle sandwich for a second and close your throat.

Gawker points us to this gross shit starring Louis of Food for Louis, a dude who is like the nastiest episode of Survivor and Bear Grylls rolled into one British package. Louis will put anything in his mouth (it's your lucky day, White Oprah) and has already filled the garbage dump in his stomach with dead roaches, a mice-accino (aka blended mice) and other kind of horror show foods that you have probably unknowingly eaten yourself at McDonald's. And for his latest episode, Louis eats a live scorpion.

Nasty fuck. Louis should've used that scorpion as nature's tweezers and plucked those wolf pubes over his eyes instead. Just no. This is like a scene out of Madge's boy toy initiation ceremony. In the future, I hope that Louis leaves the live insects alone and puts something even more terrifying down his mouth hole. I'm talking about Snooki's tongue, Charlie Sheen's used panties or any food item made by Sandra Lee.

This is Brooklyn-based performance artist Marni Kotak and I know the real story here should be about how she's committing a NOT RIGHT by sitting on the mall Easter Bunny's favorite chair, but that's not what we're here for. Marni is about to fill the air of a Bushwick art gallery with the musty scent of labor shits, pussy sweat, birth blood and the PBR that the art hipsters will be sipping on as they watch her push an entire baby out of her vagina as part of her newest performance art piece. Placenta kabobs and amniotic fluid-tinis will be served afterward, so come with an empty stomach. Or you can just nibble on any flying birthing bits that get stuck in your mohair cardigan.

The Microscope Gallery has already set up a birthing room with a birthing pool and Marni will stay there during business hours until the time comes for her to push out her child. The father of Marni's child, her midwife and who ever wants to see her coochie get ripped apart live will watch the birth. The newest gift to the art world will be born in a few weeks and Marni had this to say about the piece that should really be titled: WHAT BILLIONS OF WOMEN HAVE DONE BEFORE THIS CRAZY HO.

“I hope that people will see that human life itself is the most profound work of art, and that therefore giving birth, the greatest expression of life, is the highest form of art.

I have decided to do this because I want to show people that, as in my previous performances, real life is the best performance art. I wouldn’t say that I am scared to do this, because I have a good support team: my midwife, doula and wonderful husband,” she said. “Of course, I am a bit nervous about the whole process of giving birth and having a child, and like every mother, I am hoping that everything goes smoothly.

“But I am no more worried than I would be if I were having the baby at home or in a hospital.”

After the baby of Baby X, Marni will start another performance art piece called "Raising of Baby X."

If this crazy wants people to see her snatch turn inside/out while giving birth and people are willing to pay, then I say push on push on. It's a tax-write off and if she drops a caca during labor, I'm sure it will get its own exhibit at the Whitney.

And note to Beyonce if she wants to shut down the conspiracy theorists: You're due in February. The Grammys are on February 12th. You know what to do.

via Page Six

Alexis Stewart has already stuffed her coin purse with wads of cash from throwing lukewarm shade at her mom Martha Stewart in that Whatever Martha radio show and now she's adding more zeros to her checking account by spilling more ESCANDALOSO (not really) secrets about her mother in a new tell-all memoir called Whateverland. One would think that living with Martha is like growing up in North Korea. Well, if North Korea had a Michael's. But it was worse!

Martha empties her piss bag with the door open! Martha lets her dogs do a poo thing all over her house! Martha made Alexis wrap her own Christmas presents! Seriously, I'm sure Christina Crawford is writing an open apology letter to Joan Crawford and thanking her not making her suffer through the kind of abuse that Alexis suffered from at the hand of Martha.

This is just some of the shit Alexis is whining about in her new book.

On how Martha was the original Tiger Mom: "Martha does everything better! You can't win! If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head."

On how Martha is a genius who put her brat daughter to work even during the holidays: "Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly. She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, 'Now wrap these but don't look inside.'"

On how Martha is like every other mother: "My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god's sake! My mother's dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she's telling people to take their shoes off?"

On how Martha's refrigerator had bread, butter and cheese in it but not already made grilled cheese sandwiches (this is what I'm getting from this mess of a quote): "There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food ... There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind."

On how Martha peed freely: "[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop! My friends' parents don't do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It's exhausting! I'm a kid! Stop!'"

I've heard stories from people who have worked for Martha that make it sound like she's about as pleasant as fucking your pee hole with a hot glue gun, but Alexis really needs to come harder if she's going to come at all. This is nothing!

First of all, don't most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you! This is why they make brooms with extra-long handles. It isn't so you can clean the dust dingles from the ceiling. It's so you can beat the brats in the hallway while you piss with the door open!

Second of all, I would've loved it if my mom made me wrap my own Christmas presents. It would've saved me a lot of time and stress. I had to crawl through every closet and conduct some covert operations to find my Christmas presents. When (or if) I did find them, I had to wait for the perfect moment to drag them back to my bedroom. I'd secure the door with a chair under the knob and carefully remove the tape while trying not to tear the paper. If I got caught that present would go back. It was like trying to diffuse a bomb! My first pubic hair was a white one and I blame that on the stress caused by me trying to unwrap my Christmas gifts to see what I got. So if you ask me, Alexis had it too good.

Besides, doesn't Alexis know that her mom went to prison? You know what they do to snitches in prison. They make them sleep on 50-thread-count sheets when they come to visit their cell. The horror!

via UsWeekly

The former miserable bump on a bitch who could turn the world off with her snarl (I miss THAT MiserAlba) baptized her brand new shiny baby daughter Haven (above with Honor) into the tabloid kingdom by presenting her in front of Not OK! Magazine's cameras for a quick check. And during her talk about babies with OK, Jessica Alba just had to get into the details of why she and her husband Coins Warren gave their daughter the name they gave her. Warning: If you're eating shrimp wonton soup for lunch, and a shot of fish broth just hit the back of your throat after you bit into a wet dough bag, you might want to save this story for never.

"When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. He grabbed the nurse and said: 'Look at this!' I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: 'Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!' The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip.

When I was in recovery we still hadn't chosen her name. Cash picked her up and said she came into the world in her 'safe haven' and it clicked right then for both of us."

Couldn't MiserAlba just lie to us and say that she named her baby friend after that SyFy show or that staring into the STAINS eyeballs of James Haven hypnotized her into going with that name. Honestly, Sac Burst would've been a better name than Haven.

via Digital Spy

By now you've probably already pulled out your eyeballs with rusty pliers, marinated them in a pot full of boiling chloroform and shoved them back into your sockets just so you can send a roll of duct tape to the Dancing with the Stars Costume Department Attention: Nancy Grace's Nipple Handler (aka Satan). But coming to Dlisted proves that you hate yourself so you might as well fully hate yourself by getting a second serving of Nancy's NSFW succulent titty pepperoni.

It was only a matter of time before "Nancy Grace nip slip" became the #1 search term on AOL in the ninth circle (Yes, in the ninth circle they only have dial-up AOL with NO SECOND PHONE LINE). Last week, Nancy's chichis were jumping around like her sanity cell trying to find the door marked "Exit" in her brain. It was bound to happen. Nancy's dance partner is a hot piece in every way so you really can't blame her chichis for popping a boner of sorts.

But seriously, Nancy's peek-a-boo nipple plate was a win for three reasons: a) The West Coast cutaway shot of the NOT AMUSED audience members was the perfect response to Nancy's slippery nipple. b) A Nancy Grace nip slip is like a "Who's the sexy bitch now?" wink at Casey Anthony. c) Dancing with the Stars definitely needs more nipple slips (I'm looking at you, Tom Berg). It should really just be Nip Slipping with the Stars.

Here's Nancy doing the Quickstep as her nipple did the Quickjump:

And Nancy's nip might've been the breakout (literally) star of the night, but the runner-up was definitely the hot lady on Tom B's right who got some much-needed camera time before J.R. Martinez's dance:

Must've been hypnotized (or temporarily blinded) by the nipples in the air.

(Thanks Travis!)