Why Are You Doing This To Us?

No, this isn't lost footage from Katie Couric's colon cam. It's also not a clip from Tommy Girl's sex tape or shots of Parasite Hilton's used tampon. It's video from a sewer cam in North Carolina of something that will haunt my stomach for days to come. Fuck lunch. Fuck dinner. Fuck eating. And fuck toilets too, because I know this dark-sided shit beast has the power to crawl up and pay your ass a visit. There's no room in my ass for more grossness. I'm sorry.

Gawker says that the creature of my nightmares is nothing but a mound of worms who have attached themselves to roots. Knowing this still didn't curb my dry heaves. The damage is done.

Do we get a vote in this? Seriously! The FDA is trying to keep us from Vicodin and Percocet, because of their effects on the liver. Once my liver wakes up from its coma, it will testify (in a slurry voice) that Vicodin has only had a positive effect on it.

It get worse, the FDA also wants to lower the maximum dose of over-the-counter acetaminophen. That means your after dinner snack of Tylenol PM won't be as strong! And how are we going to cope around children?! The FDA must think of the children!!!!!

Ugh. I'm so moving to Tijuana.

And here we fucking go! Spit shine my shank, lube up my face, remove all my joo-ree (leave the rings) and get read to play Nivea's "Don't Mess With My Man" (yes, I brought Nivea into this) on the boombox, because shit is about to get serious. I mean, can you believe this?! We all know Andy Coop cheats on me, but does he need to flaunt his whores like this?! He even knows he's doing wrong. Look at that nervous "I hope that crazy bitch isn't around the corner" side-eye.

It also looks like Mah Boo's peen puckers for Fred Perry. I'm ready to get Fred Perry's logo tattooed on one of my b-lips (right under my "I honk for Prince Hot Ginge" tattoo) if that will make him happy.

You better notify the Clinica Mobile to fully stock their fridge with Tangerine Jello, because it looks like I might be paying a visit. I'll give it my best, but Mah Boo's trick could probably break my nose just by flexing his bicep. Also, tell them to keep a straitjacket handy, because I'm starting to scare myself. I'm even jealous of Mah Boo's bike. WHY DO YOU RIDE THAT BIKE, MAH BOO? WHY DO YOU RIDE?!!

Not an album of farts. Not an album of queefs. Not an album of fuck moans. Not an album of ass cheek clapping. Although, if she claps her ass really fast I'm sure it can whistle Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up." That album would go double toilet paper roll. No, Kim Kardassian is working on an album of MUSIC. At least that's what she's calling it.

BET says that Kim is in the studio working on an "R&B flavored" album. I guess Ray-J taught her everything she needs to know about R&B while he was slapping her nalgas with his Frankenpeen.

Kim recently spoke out about making "music," “I’d have to hear a song and feel it out and see if it’s something I’d sound good at. I would like the music to sound a bit like Lady GaGa, Britney Spears and J.Lo with a bit of an R’n’B twist to it… Filming the video would be fun, that would be the best bit…”

Oh! So that's why Kim wants to get into the business. Bitch just needs another reason to act like a ho. Kim has already peppered her extreme skankness on TV, the internet, magazines, DVDs and on every member of the NFL, so now she's taking on music. Or should I say "destroying" music. Bitch, don't you know that you don't need to put out an actual album to act like a big ass slut in a music video? That's what YouTube is for!

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

I know I fart out that same question about half of the shit shows Hollywood puts out, but I really really mean it with this one. Variety (via Coming Soon) reports that a movie about the creation of Facebook is going to exist. My status is currently: BANGING MY HEAD INTO MY IKEA TABLE. My next status will be: FIXING IKEA TABLE BECAUSE THE CHEAP SHIT BROKE.

Okay, I shouldn't be so dramatic. David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin are involved in this shit, so maybe it's not going to be a complete butt nugget. BUT the movie isn't going to be about Facebook itself, it's going to be about the two Harvard geeks who created it. This is the problem. A movie about Facebook could be kind of hot. It would be 2 hours of zombies planting flowers and vampire hunters taking quizzes on "Which The Hills character are you?". That is entertainment.

You know what else sounds better than a movie about the Facebook dudes? The MySpace movie! It would be 90 straight minutes of Tom's default picture and that's it. Speaking of, is it just me or does Tom move sometimes when you stare at his picture long enough? Or maybe I need to step away from the bong......

After all these years, Marilyn Manson is still saying shit that sounds like it came directly from the MySpace journal of an angsty 14-year-old Emo kid. Marilyn's words of creepiness used to make my soul weep like Michelle Duggar's uterus, but now I just shrug and say, "That's Mari!" Which leads us to an interview Marilyn did with Spin Magazine. Marilyn talks about how his break-up with Evan Rachel Wood left him so sad-like that he cut himself up and still dreams about hitting her in the head with a Peter Gabriel song.

Marilyn said, "I sing about it on 'Into the Fire.' I say, 'If you want to hit bottom, don't bother trying to take me with you.' My lowest point was Christmas Day 2008, because I didn't speak to my family. My walls were covered in scrawlings of the lyrics and cocaine bags nailed to the wall. And I did have an experience where I was struggling to deal with being alone and being forsaken and being betrayed by putting your trust in one person, and making the mistake of that being the wrong person. And that's a mistake that everyone can relate to. I made the mistake of trying to, desperately, grasp on and save that and own it. And every time I called her that day -- I called 158 times -- I took a razorblade and I cut myself on my face or on my hands."

"I look back and it was a really stupid thing to do. This was intentional, this was a scarification, and this was like a tattoo. I wanted to show her the pain she put me through. It was like, 'I want you to physically see what you've done.' It sounds made up but it's completely true and I don't give a shit if people believe it or not. I've got the scars to prove it. I didn't want people to ask me every time I did an interview, 'Oh, is this record about your relationship with your ex-girlfriend?' But that damage is part of it, and the song 'I Want to Kill You Like They Do in The Movies' is about my fantasies. I have fantasies every day about smashing her skull in with a sledgehammer."

Doesn't that just sound like something you'd find on the t-shirt in a clearance bin at Hot Topic?

At least Marilyn isn't cutting up his beautiful face anymore. That's not good. By the looks of him today (see above if you haven't already been blinded), it looks like the only thing he's been cutting up lately is pie. And really, that's a good thing. Don't cut your face, cut up a pie instead!

Shooting has already started for The Runaways biopic and here's Kristen Stewart in her full Joan Jett drag. If I was on Jerry Springer with her, I'd try to snatch that wig off her head only to find out that it's not really a wig. Jokes on me. Ain't that a bitch when real hair looks like it was made in a factory in Taiwan.

And I'm not really seeing Joan Jett here, are you? Bitch looks more like Samantha Ronson dressed as Leather Tuscadero to an all-gayelle costume party.

BONUS! Since watching bitches fall is Dlisted's favorite pastime, here's Kristen soaring through the sky and busting her knees on the concrete.

Sienna Miller needs to follow Balthazar Getty's finger and get the dick out of here, because bitch has fucked up yet again! Sienna, throw yourself off that pier, ho! It's time for some tough love! I can't stand by and watch Sienna disrespect herself as one of the biggest sluts in all the land by continuing to mess with the same old soggy peen! I mean, just when I thought Sienna had finally released Balthazar's dick from her jaws of life vagina, here she is with him in Positano, Italy.

Sienna and Balthazar spent Father's Day doing gross things on a boat together. Cue Balthazar's wife: "Aw, kids. That was nice of you to make daddy breakfast for Father's Day, but unfortunately he can't eat it, because he's too busy eating his slut whore mistress' snatch in Italy."

Sienna needs to stick her vag in a bowl of ice until its fever for Balthazar goes down, because obviously it's hallucinating. I don't care if Balthazar goes all the way up her GOWL, there's more dick out there that needs to be fucked! This slut is on notice AGAIN.

When I first saw these pictures of Bruno at the Berlin premiere of his movie, I felt a lump in my throat, my skin felt itchy, my nipples retreated into my body and all the moisture in my eyeballs got sucked out. I figured it was time to go to the free clinic again, but then I remember I had the same symptoms after looking at the picture that still makes cameos in my nightmares. THIS:

Fuck you, Bruno! Thanks to him this picture will probably go back to being the STAR of my nightmares instead of just an extra. To make it even worse, Bruno is wearing UGGs inspired by the creepy family of furries. Way to punch me in my soul. I wouldn't be surprised if Bruno is wearing a CROCS-made butt plug. Kill me.

That Mormon girl from Dancing with the Has-Beens has been cast as Ariel in the remake/murder of Footloose. I guess she also sings country songs or something. The casting isn't a done deal just yet, because they are trying to work out scheduling details with Julianne since she is sooooo busy. Filming starts in March. No word on whether or not Julianne's adorable dog is going to be playing Rusty. I think we should start a petition.

Chace Crawford has already been confirmed as the glittery nymph who will flutter about as Ren McCormick. Kenny Ortega, who directed all three High School Musical movies, will control the puppet strings on this shit.

I don't even need to bother watching this in a movie theater when it comes out. I'll see it eventually. I'll be forced to watch it when I'm finally put on the Chinatown bus to HELL.