Why Are You Doing This To Us?
It's already hard for me to look at Tom Brady, because he has the exact same haircut as the little snide bitch in my 2nd grade class who asked me if I had vagina (Which dim dumb me said "yes" to, because I wasn't really sure what a vagina was. The junior twat got me that time.). But now I really have to make my lids hug my eyeballs whenever I see him on the street (since I always see Tom Brady on the streets of real life), because his full name and soul print now shows up on ADP's payroll list of all of Satan's employees!
Hell's second footwear of choice already siphons out the spirit of Midwestern tweens and whory Malibu moms (who wear that mess with coochie cutters and see-through cotton shirts) through the bottom of their feet, and now they're going after men. And Tom Brady is helping them to carry out their dork-sided (Never 4 Get God Warrior) plans!
With a precious bob haircut like that, Tom should be using his beauty to sell Dutch Boy Paint, Easy Bake Ovens or Subarus. Not whoring for Illuminatiwear. But the only thing keeping me from switching out Tom's pomade with gel made from the Blood of Christ is the fact that he's never actually seen wearing UGGs in that commercial. Maybe a centaur of the ninth circle is his UGGsdouble. And by a "centaur of the ninth circle" I mean Gisele.
On the left is Ali Lohan back in 2009 and on the right is someone the paps say is 17-year-old Ali Lohan in Beverly Hills yesterday, but I'm not so sure since how in White Oprah's coke spoon hell is that the same being?! The list of things White Oprah should be slapped in the mouth for is as full as full can be, but room should be made and this mess right here should be moved right up to the very top. It's official, the Lohan's family plastic surgery hates them more than any other bitch.
I can go on and on about how Ali's freckles have been replaced with zero food and spider leg brows, but I'm going to go sit in my end of the world bunk instead since V was obviously right and the teenage lizard aliens (also see: Courtney Stodden) have finally arrived. While I do that, please bust a CITIZEN'S ARREST on White Oprah or at least leave a trail of Jägerbombs from the rest stop bathroom she passed out in last night to Death Row.
Before we begin our favorite weekly activity of stoning Fishsticks Paltrow with stones not imported from the coast of Majorca and not cleansed with the distilled tears of an albino dolphin (that's the worst part for her), let me ask if any of you know the exact time in that Contagion movie when she dies a slow, painful, tonsil-curling, eye-bulging, blood-spewing, nipple-shriveling death? Because that's obviously the only part worth sitting through and I need to know what time I should make dinner reservations at the Chevy's across the street from the theater. Now on to THE STONING!
In Contagion, Fishy plays a cheating wife who bring a virus (GOOP) to the United States that makes people spit out liquid death as their insides slowly turn into the meat that Taco Bell slaps between a shell. It's the same suffering Fishy briefly went through when she had to kiss Matt Damon during a scene after he drank an entire Pepsi. One of her slaves-in-waiting to quickly change her sheepskin tongue condom (she wears one whenever she has to come in contact with a bitch who hasn't been deemed 100% organic by the FDA).
Fishy talked about both cheating whores and viruses to The Daily Telegraph. First up, is Fishy's thoughts on passing the peen:
"I am a great romantic - but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist. Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It's like we're flawed - we're human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge. That's their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do. I think we're all trying our best but life is complicated."
"Learn not to judge people"? BITCH, don't act like if I ate a Twinkie in front of your face, you wouldn't shit out the stick that's stuck up your ass, chisel into a gavel using a Cartier shank and bring it down as you yelled, "GUILTY OF NON-GOOPERY!"
Fishy then went on to say that if a virus killed cheaters, there would be no mortals on earth for her to terrorize.
"If death by virus was a punishment for extra-marital affairs there would only be three dudes left in this world right now...... I'm lucky - I have a wonderful, blessed life. I have two fantastically delightful children and a very nice husband, so... Knock on wood."
And then she went on about how disasters happen for a reason (Note: There's NO reason for GOOP so ho's belief ain't shit):
"I don't believe in religion at all but it's spiritual. I believe in a divine power and I believe that everything happens for a reason and if it's your time to go, it's your time to go."
But back to the cheating thing. I love how she basically says that all husbands cheat before she quickly tries to pull Chris Martin out of that category by saying how happy she is. I see what you did there, GOOP, and it didn't work. "Very nice husband" is like saying "cheating whore bastard who hates my wood-burning pizza" with a fake smile.
If a virus killed man cheaters, we'd definitely see Chris Martin's face during the In Memoriam at the Annual Cunt Awards.
The Chenbot has pulled the chairs right out from under Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete's asses and so CBS has to replace them with two squawking hyenas who will screech out ridiculousness while Sara Gilbert rolls her eyes and wonders what became of her fucking life. CBS is obviously trying to make us actually miss that chapped hard bitch Leah Remini by replacing her with a bigger monster: PIMP MAMA KRIS!
Entertainment Weekly says that the wild beast wrangler and pimp extraordinaire will guest host for two weeks starting in September. The producers are considering on using Pimp Mama Kris as a cheap substitute whenever Sharon Osbourne is away from the couch. Comedian Sheryl Underwood will also be a guest host and is being considered as a permanent squawker.
Pimp Mama Kris was on the right track to break Bishop Don "Magic" Juan's record for the most Pimp of the Year victories at the Players Ball until she decided that she needs to put her melted claymation face in front of the cameras more. Would Nichelle Nichols ever join her own line-up of whores? NEVER! Pimps should be waving their canes from behind the scenes! Kris needs to stop playing with the camera and go get her damn nose re-rotated, because if I put a top hat and a monocle on it, that shit would look like an upside/down Mr. Peanut.
And since it never gets old, here's a lost scene from Keeping Up with the Kardashians of Pimp Mama Kris schooling her whores during a family meeting:
Just when you thought PETA's bowels had no more turnip shit craziness (the vegan equivalent of bat shit) to push out, they have squatted low, got deep and pushed out a giant ridiculous mound of terrifying WTFness. We already know that PETA really stands for Pimping Equalparts Tits and Ass since they use the message of "don't be mean to the animals" to give us tofu titties and soy snatch, but now they're taking things hardcore. PETA tells HuffPo that they are putting together a porn site and have already bought the domain Peta.xxx. For those of you kinky veganphiles out there who think that you will finally get a site full of cauliflower puree facials and dairy-free cream pies, you will be disappointed.
PETA says that there will be shots of simple fucking, but they're also going to throw in shots of animals getting tortured. So yeah, you know how hos say that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten? Well, now you'll get to see that kitten getting killed after you beat your meat. This brings a whole new meaning to choking the chicken.
This is how those crazies at PETA put it:
"We live in a 24 hour news cycle world and we learn the racy things we do are sometimes the most effective way that we can reach particular individuals. We really want to grab people's attention, get them talking and to question the status quo and ultimately take action, because the best way we can help the greatest number of animals is simply by not eating them.
PETA's sexy side displayed in galleries and videos will quickly give way to the sinister world of animal mistreatment uncovered by the group’s hidden camera investigations in a very different kind of graphic content.
There will be a lot of girl and boy next door content, but we haven't ruled out celebrities on the site as well. People who are extraordinarily dedicated to helping animals and who are willing to do whatever it takes to draw attention to the suffering they endure."
PETA gets a congratulatory taint slap for fully embracing what they're really good at (aka whoring out tits), but do they know what they're really doing besides busting out the most horrifying STUNT QUEEN move ever? I mean, shots of porn vegans making tofu butter with their crotches mixed with shots of a baby seal getting clubbed? While most of us will stain our keyboards with lube by fapping to ANY other porn site but PETA's, the soon-to-be serial killers of the world have just found their new heaven. "I wish there was a site like that when I was growing up!" - Charles Manson
Since SATC2: Dry Vaginas in the Desert was such a critically acclaimed masterpiece that won several Oscars and was called a cinematic wonder that film historians will continue to study for centuries to come, Sarah Jessica Parker and Michael Patrick King are talking about making a third one. And they've already come up with the storyline. There has to be a better way for those whores to stuff more millions of dollars into their feed bags without terrorizing the public's senses, right? I fucking guess not, because SJP said this to Parade Magazine (via HuffPo) when she was asked if there were any plans for her to pull out her Louis Vuitton whip and beat that dead horse again (insert "horse beating a dead horse" meta joke here):
“There is. I know what the story is. It’s a small story, but I think it should be told. The question is, what’s the right time to tell it?”
I've said before that SATC3 should be the pilot episode of the Golden Girls, but I've changed my mind. Those four shaved and embalmed hyenas in $1600 shoes are far from the Golden Girls. SJP ripped out all those characters' hearts and nibbled on their souls, so they're basically just zombies now. Zombies in the City! George Romero should direct that shit.
The only story there is to tell is the one where Rojo Caliente acts for the people by locking those three hags (Mrs. Rojo is excused) in a tomb and lets them nag each other's faces off while she sits on a folding chair, slowly eating Red Hots in front of the camera for 120 minutes. SATC3: Rojo's Revolt, that's the only shit I want to see.
Remember that bright pink OctoMom butt plug that made your b-hole and uterus snap shut at the same time? Do you also remember that statue of Brit Brit birthing out a Cheetoling that made you never look at canned chicken jelly the same way again? Or the one every Brangeloonie had made into travel-sized dildo form? Or what about Suri's gold-plated shit? Well, all those works of nightmaric art came from artist Daniel Edwards and he has once again created some shit that'll make you point at the eyes on a molestation doll and scream that Daniel touched you there.
The nightmare machine in Daniel's head commanded his hands to sculpt a bronze statue of a nekkid ass nekkid Justin Bieber conjoined at the torso with a nekkid ass nekkid Selena Gomez (Lori & Reba are definitely not amused). The maple leaf over Justin's Barbie crotch represents Canada and the star over Selena's chocha represents Texas. And because staring at the horrific skid mark of a three-legged Beibez monster isn't enough to make your head swallow your eyeballs to end the madness, Daniel just had to add a Canadian goose fucking on a Texas armadillo.
While you might call this mess "NOOO!!!!," Daniel is calling it "Justin & Selena as One." It will make its debut at the New Fine Arts sex toy store in Dallas, TX sometime soon. Yes, Daniel's going to showcase this shit at a sex toy store, because you should have to show your ID and pass through a rubber curtain to see it.
The worst part is that when the robot aliens are scanning the earth after 2012 ate our civilization, they are going to find this and think these were our Gods. I hope they find Suri's gold shit instead.
On October 9th, lure your worst enemies to your house with promises of free puppies and pot cake (or potcake puppies), strap them into chairs in front of your TV, glue their eyelids to their brows and torture their souls raw by forcing them to watch the Kim Kardashian wedding special on E!. Entertainment Weekly says that when Kris Humphries sacrifices himself to the Kardashian monster by marrying the butt of the beast, E! will film every second of it and air it in a two-night special. It will be FOUR FUCKING HOURS long.
Now we really know where that portal in Carol Anne's closet really took her. It took her into the terrifying future where she was a guest at Kim Kardashian's wedding. You can chant all you want but your TV will never get clean after you watch 4 hours of that mess.
Speaking of chanting, even if you don't believe in it you should try. Chant for a wish that on Kim's wedding day, Brad Pitt and St. Angie get married next door, Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie announce their divorce in an interpretive dance on the front lawn and Tim Peeler finally catches Khloe with a net and drags her back to his backwoods cabin to domesticate with him in bliss (this is possible, Tim saw it on a TV show). Basically, just pray bitch gets outshone.
Or if you like to keep things simple, you can pray that Pimp Mama Kris revives her world famous pop career by performing this during the wedding march:
That will make even the Kardashians' maker, Lucifer, take the express elevator from Hell to put an end to this madness.
Elle Magazine should really change their name to The Hell? Magazine this month, because Fishsticks Paltrow has nearly outdone herself by launching clueless shit nugget after clueless shit nugget off of her tongue during the interview.
Name dropping Jay-Z and Beyonce so much that they are considering dropping and changing their names completely so Fishy will never be able to find them? CHECK!
Bragging about how strangers come up to her and compliment her hot post-baby bikini body? CHECK!
Saying that she's got the dirtiest mouth out of all her friends even though we all know that the word "fuck" sounds like the name of a 5-star Czechoslovakian restaurant when her pretentious ass says it? CHECK!
Starting stretching your eyeballs and get ready to roll:
On getting support from Beyoncé on her surprise duet with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys: “This story always makes me cry…It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé !”
On the advice Beyoncé gave her before her performance: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”
On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go…in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”
And then after Beyonce told Fishy to do her Indian dance, she turned to her cousin and was like, "Remember when you peed yourself while laughing at that bitch do her Indian dance at Jay's concert? Don't drink any water, because you're going to be doing a lot more laughing tonight. Panjabi MC! He wasn't even at Jay's show. I made it up and she nods at me like 'uh huh.' Bitch is crazy. Oh, and can you believe she asked me if I would help her with her album? Is my name Basement Baby, bitch? I told her to do it by herself. Like I need another bomb on my hands. I should've given her that shitty Girls Who Rule The World song. "
Fishy then swam past the topic of her music and got into GOOP:
On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”
On going public with her personal care regimens: “It’s so much easier to sit home and not exercise and criticize other people. What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”
Who in the hell are these terrible people going up to Fishy and saying that bullshit?! Tell them the concierge from their Paris hotel recommends a wonderful restaurant with organic wine and complimentary bikini waxes. It's called Le Go Jump Off A Fucking Cliff. Moving on...
Did you know Fishy is the funniest person in the world? I have to agree with her. Fishy proved it by comparing Chris Martin to Picasso.
On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”
On choosing not to go to her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin for advice on music: “[He’s] a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”
On keeping her marriage out of the spotlight: “He makes music for his fans, and he doesn’t want people to conjure a lame famous couple when they’re getting into his music. I get it.”
And now can you ask our concierge where there's a good place to take a nap, because reading a Fishsticks interview always makes me feel like I just got a Brazilian wax on my brain.