Kelly Clarkson

While American Idol's season 2 winner Ruben Studdard sang the National Anthem at the Puppy Bowl (he wishes), American Idol's first winner Kelly Clarkson let the musical notes fly out of her mouth as she sang the National Anthem at the 47th annual Spandex Bulges in Motion Ceremony today. Besides Kelly Clarkson's Rachel Berry hair, I don't have a bad thing to say about this and I should pinch my tongue until I taste blood, because I always have something bad to say. Ron Paul's main homegirl didn't screw up the words (side-eye pointed toward Xtina) and my ear holes didn't try to shut, so I'll say the bitch did okay.

The best part besides the players looking like they were about to shit through their pee holes due to the excitement from being around all those Spandex bulges was the terrified look on those kids in the choir. I love a good "If I fuck this up, I'm going to get shanked in the face by an adult" look on a kid. That's America!

When I'm writing about gay porn stars and comparing and contrasting dildos on Manhunt Daily (I'm kidding about the dildo part, that's what I do in my free time at home. The dog is SCARRED for life), I think very little about politics. Luckily, I have politically active celebrities like Kelly Clarkson to do my thinking for me! Bitch has knowledge! American Idol's very first hooker winner pointed her finger at MSNBC, her digit landed on "that old guy", and she then blindly endorsed Ron Paul's presidential campaign on Twitter. It went really well for her.

"I love Ron Paul. I liked him a lot during the last Republican nomination and no one gave him a chance. If he wins the nomination for the Republican party in 2012 he's got my vote. Too bad he probably won't."

Twitter is an essential part of your celebrity brand, but some of these dum dums need parental controls on their phone. Kelly can endorse whomever the fuck she chooses, but the following exchange made it clear that bitch had no fucking clue who Ron Paul is, was, does, fucks, discriminates against, supports, what sex he is, whether he's an actual human and not a character on 30 Rock, what he feeds his goldfish with, nothing.

@uglybenny @michellebranch classy response. 

@Cibuloid very mature of you. Someone says something you disagree with and you lash out at them. Very mature. 

@Jcourt3 I respect your opinion and I am about progress. Ron Paul is about letting people decide, not the government. I am for this. 

@my_warden I have never seen or heard Ron Paul say anything against gay people? 

@BarkingTurtles I love all people and could care less if you love a man or a woman. I have never heard that Ron Paul is a racist or a homophobe? 

@Deethers I have never heard that he's a racist? That's ignorant. [Ed. note - *eye-roll*]

Miss Independent later released a statement saying she loves everyone, blah blah blah, but still supports Ron.  Honey, "Since U Been Gone" is a rad song to drunkenly fag out to (what? shut up!) but this does not make you Christiane Amanpour. Damn. Shit, it barely makes you Connie Chung.

(via Oh No They Didn't!)

Kelly Clarkson performed on Good Morning America yesterday and decided to lick on the giant gaysicle known as Sam Champion (tastes like pancake make-up, bronzer, urinal cakes, glory hole dust and the back of Diane Sawyer's hand).

You can't tell from this picture, but Sam's penis has crawled up into his stomach and his yes-yes hole looks like a slug after getting doused in salt. The reason? A woman's tongue has never been that close to Sam and he doesn't know how to handle it! Sam is trying to focus. He's using his gaymagination to picture Kelly's tongue as a rock hard nine incher. You can tell by the look in his eyes that's it's not working.

This is the cover for Kelly Clarkon's newest single "Already Gone." Hopefully, Kelly Clarkson got that fancy chola tear drop for murdering these jeans.

I won't be surprised if one of my cholita cousins end up in urgent care this weekend after trying to recreate this look using a hot glue gun and a rhinestone. Chola beauty is pain.

Here's also some promo shots from the video. I wish Kelly would've stuck with the theme of the cover by wearing pleated Dickies and a wife beater.

Kelly Clarkson performed at KIIS-FM's Wango Tango in Los Angeles this weekend looking like crusty Meat Loaf with extra bread crumbs. She's even got a pinch of Cojo in the face. Maybe right before her performance she walked in on Gaycrest waxing his glitter hole and she never fully recovered from that sight. I don't know. But I do know that Kelly needs to pour Adderall dust over those jeans and feed them to Paula Abdul STAT. Those jeans shouldn't have made it out of 1997 alive.

And I'm mad at Kelly right now because that "My Life Would Suck Without Fooood" song has become a regular part of my nightly dreams. That's not the first thing I want to be humming when I wake up in the morning. The first thing I want to be humming on is a.... Okay, I'll stop.