Possum Head

Why did Jen An cut her hair??? I know you have been laying awake at night pondering this with the other questions of the world, such as why are we here, why does 4th meal only last until 2am, why does my family hate me?  and other such important stuff.

So, to answer this one...E!online says it's because DUN DUN DUN "her hair was thinning and starting to look fake"! Now at least you can sleep, although that silly shit like "why does my dog hate me" and "what am I supposed to do with my life" may still stick around for a minute. At least the important questions of the universe are answered.

I actually like Jen An, though I'm not sure why.  And I'm less sure about the idea that this is somehow news.  I guess we can all change our lives now though??  Okay, seriously it's just drama dressed as NEWS so keep on keeping on with your Ramen noodles and your mortgage and all that un-important jazz.  But keep it up in your pj's and house shoes, like I'm gonna do.  MAH HAIR-UH is page two, along with "I need a pedi" and "should I keep my thermostat on 75 or 76".  Sorry Jen.

Unfortunately, I'm lying in my title. This story isn't about Jon Gosselin, but it might be about Kate's former rabid possum friend since they recently parted ways. What a tragic tale. It went from being on the top of the cunt world to being a drunk man's roadside play thing. RIP. E! better devote an entire True Hollywood Story to Kate's possum.

A 55-year-old drunktard was arrested and charged with public intoxication after cops spotted him trying to give mouth-to-mouth to a dead possum lying on the side of the road. Some witnesses think that the drunk mess was trying to conduct some sort of seance around the possum. Bitch thinks he's Miss Jeanette or some shit.

Others think he was trying to give the possum mouth-to-mouth. The police say he did have his mouth near the possum's mouth.

In all seriousness, since when is it illegal to try to save one of God's good creatures?! This is an atrocity! The drunk savior was trying to give the possum LIFE! Or maybe he was trying to eat the bits of trash pizza stuck in the possum's teeth? Who knows, but he shouldn't have been arrested, he should've been celebrated!

If this happened in another part of the country (I'm not naming names), the cops would have never put him in handcuffs. They would've formed a circle jerk around his possum party and threw wooden coins at him.

Here's possum-abandoner Kate Gosselin shuffling around her town like everything is roses and her old friend IS NOT dead on the side of a road. Shame. Shame. SHAME!

Kate Gosselin's rabid possum has been MIA for a while now, but I have been making pathetic excuses for its absence. I refused to believe the tragic truth, but it looks like it's finally time to say goodbye. It's really the end of an era, which kind of feels like the end of a bowel movement.

Hopefully, one of us will cross paths with Kate's rabid possum in the future. Make sure to wink at it if you see it going through your trash cans early in the morning. And throw it a half-smile when you run into it in the waiting room of your therapist's office. It will be there a lot. We must never forget.

Here's the former Queen of the Possums showing off her new hair in NYC last night. Apparently, it took them 7-hours to give her a helmet version of Carol Channing's glorious mop. Yes, 7 HOURS! Supercuts could've made her look like "a Southern 40-something divorcee who is forced to work as a hair salon receptionist" in about 10-minutes.

Look at that tragic, tortured, frizzled creature. No, I'm not talking about Kate Gosselin herself (this time). I'm pointing and hissing at that thing on her head. The poor possum is still being violated by large pieces of pine straw. The sad part is that Kate got her weave worked on the day these pictures were taken. This is a fresh weave! The damn scarecrow called me on his corn phone and wants Kate to return his pubic bush.

If she's trying to look like David Lee Roth circa 1984 on purpose, then she needs more spandex, more curl, more chest hair and a lot more zest.

Anyways, here's Kate leaving Butter in NYC last night with a friend. Hopefully, she went back to her hotel and soaked that thing in a tub full of butter (Paula Deen just came....whipped butter).

When Kate Gosselin's twin daughters, Cara and Mady, got a good look at their mother's Chapter 11 weave, they echoed your statement by screaming, "EWWWW!" I think it's safe to rule that "EWWWW!!" is the world's official statement for everything Kate does.

After Kate's daughters laughed in her face, she apparently went to her room to cry it out. This is what a source tells UsWeekly anyway. The source also claims that Kate pretty much agrees with her daughter and the rest of us. The source said, "She hates it! She thinks her hair looks over­processed and damaged. She's afraid people will think she's one of Tiger Woods' bimbos!"

Now that she mentions it, she kind of does look like one of Tiger's hos......after getting mauled by a pack of raccoons during Ambien sex gone terribly wrong.

Even though Kate's daughters throw raw eggs at her $6,500 weave at the breakfast table, she's still trying to make it work. Kate brought a professional in to help style her weave, "Kate has been trying different things, from headbands to ponytails to a Farrah Fawcett–style 'do. She's just not sure what she wants."

More like Farrah Fawcett's doo doo. The best thing for Kate to do is to gently cut the weave out and donate it to the Skanks In Need Of Weaves Fund.

It's probably not fun when Kate's rabid possum nips at her scalp and scratches at her weave to get it off. The weave is more trouble than it's worth. There's easier ways to make yourself look like a complete asshole. Kate should just ask Jon Grosselin!

(Image via INFDaily)

The hair stylist who glued on a broke down bathroom drain weave over Kate Gosselin's possum head for the cover of People Magazine said it would cost 6,450 American dollars if he did it in his salon. So if Kate Gosselin needs a touch up in his salon, the kids will have to eat butter noodles for the rest of the month.

Ted Gibson of the Ted Gibson Salons tells Radar that he would normally charge $950 to trim Kate's possum, $500 to throw some Surgi on her hair for highlights, and another $5,000 for the long extensions. That brings the grand total to $6,450! Ted added that they were together for around 20 hours. I'm sure Ted spent 16 of those hours trying to dodge the rabid possum's attacks.

This is ridiculous. Almost $6,5000 FOR THAT! The Rock of Love skanks could fix Kate Gosselin up for free in 5 easy steps:

1: Go diving for weave scraps in the dumpster outside of Brit Brit's house.
2. Paste weave scraps on Kate's head using nail glue.
3. Go to nearest bar, get Kate so liquored up that she passes out on the men's bathroom floor.
4. Leave Kate on the bathroom floor for at least 3 hours so that her weave soaks up enough urine, beer and jizz crust to achieve that full-bodied skank look.
5. Give Kate's weave a final tousle while she does a shot out of a skank's vagina.

There you go! And it would look way better than that shit she has on her head now.

Kate Gosselin tried to cover up the rabid possum on her head by using Jon Gosselin's nutsack saliva to glue Bret Michaels' skank-covered weave scraps on top of it, but it didn't work. The rabid possum is still there and it's foaming at the mouth with rage that she would try to bury it under a mound of polyester hair. The rabid possum will soon fly above like Kandi on the red eye.

Kate told People that she's giving herself a fresh start by putting a not-so-fresh weave on top of her head, "I'm starting over. It's good to have hair again. I never thought I'd have short hair for as long as I did. I feel like this is a fresh start, a fresh me, a fresh life. I'm rebuilding. There's no option for this not to be a good year. Now I get to start over with a new self and new goals."

You know, the cuntress of cuntery should really watch herself, because if she "opens up" even more she might turn inside/out.

via Cover Awards & Fox 411

If you were on the UES side today in Manhattan, you might have seen a mob of rabid possums running the streets with bottles of AXE body sprays in their mouths and Ed Hardy silk thongs on their heads. That's because somebody broke into Jon Grosselin's Douche Palace of Bad Decisions and ransacked the joint! And I'm pointing all my fingers at the possums, because who else would risk contaminating themselves by going through Jon's shit? The possums are defending their queen! Anyway...

TMZ reports that when Jon returned from celebrate Christmas with his child army, he found that someone with a knife completely destroyed his place. $100,000 worth of damages to be exact. They slashed up his shirts, shoes, luggage, his bed, rugs and curtains. Jon's TV, CD player, coffee machine, dishes and other shit was missing. They even carved the word "cheater" into his headboard.

A source tells UsWeekly that a note was left on the kitchen counter with a knife sticking through it. The note was signed with Hailey Glassman's name. The source went on to say that Meth Brows probably did the damage, because she recently moved out of the apartment. She was also upset, because she claims she paid half of the rent and recently found out that Jon's been pocketing the money and not sending in a check to their management.

Those possums are sly fuckers, framing Hailey like that. Those possums just earned themselves a special spot at the VIP section in heaven for ripping up Jon's Ed Hardy doucherags. It's A Wonderful Life got it twisted. The truth is that an angels gets his wings whenever somebody shreds an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

But seriously, I'm really trying to look at this through the eyes of Detective La Toya. She would think about it while sipping on her brandy in front of a roaring fire. Then she would remove her monocle and declare that Jon did this himself. That way the dildo gets to collect a check from his renter's insurance and also get some publicity out of it.

Remember Jon & Kate? We've all been fucked so hard in the eye hole with Tiger news that our brains ejaculated every memory we ever had of those two. Well, in case you do remember them, you should know that they are now officially officially OFFICIALLY divorced. You might want to put a padlock on your trash cans and keep ear plugs on your nightstand, because the possums will be partying tonight!

Kate's lawyer tells TMZ that the child army will stay at their compound with her. Jon will get visitation rights. Kate also added, "I am very relieved that our divorce has been finalized, and I look forward to the New Year, focusing on our children."

Unfortunately, our national nightmare is not over. Apparently, Jon has been hit with a 5-figure monthly child support payment that he can't pay due to TLC blocking him from working the famewhore stroll. And you know Kate is going to send her mob of rabid possums after him if he's even ten-seconds late on his payment.

That means you might find Jon begging for a coin in front of your local Rite-Aid. That will ruin your day faster than a genital wart. Or worse, don't be surprised if you see him shaking those titties at a strip club for a warm dollar.

When it comes to the Gosselins, we all lose.

On last night's Q&A episode of Cunt & Cunt Plus Cunt, Kate Gosselin answered viewers' questions about all sorts of crap. One person asked Kate what she was planning to do with herself once her reality show ends. Kate said that she would love to see herself on a gigantic movie screen. Not since Paranormal Activity.....

Kate said, “My career goals, believe it or not…I’ve discovered that I’ve done enough years of TV that I feel like it’s a normal, natural, comfortable place. I would love to be in a movie at some point. I would love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun.”

The producers of the new Predators movie should pucker up to Kate, because who needs to spend all their dollars on CGI and rubber costumes when you've the real thing?

But seriously, we all know that Kate's possum head is the real actor here. And it seems that we're just about due for a Cujo remake. It's in the stars!

VIA Radar Online