The Gosselins

Besides a firing squad full of shooters with Tourettes, the only thing missing from the nauseating never-ending Gosselin soap opera has been a sex tape. Personally, I was hoping a sex tape featuring Aunt Jodi and Kate Gosselin's rabid possum hair would leak first, but Jon Gosselin has beat them to the barf. According to the National Enquirer, Jon's bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has seen a fuck tape starring the Stay Puft Douchebag and some ho that was rented from Craigslist. Thomas died seven days later. NO, he's still alive and he's apparently going to testify in TLC's lawsuit against Jon.

Stephanie Santoro, a former Gosselin nanny and one of Jon's fuck friends, said that Thomas told her about the sex tape, "Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he's seen the tape! Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!"

If this is true, then whoever recorded that mess needs to be thrown into the chokey for the rest of their life. That is mass murder in the first degree. Imagine all the eye balls and stomachs that will die a slow death while watching Jon ram his soggy fish stick peen into some hooker's vag. All of us will suddenly develop an allergic reaction to dough.

Although, the ones that don't become a member of the American Foundation for the Blind after watching Jon's sex tape can use it to improve their gag reflex.

Jon Gosselin has jumped on this side of the fence to laugh and point at his acts of douchery with the rest of us. Yeah, I don't remember sending him an Evite. Do you?

In this parody from Funny or Die, Jon performs a doucheorcism on himself by dumping Michael Lohan, Ed Hardy and his gutter tramp hos. Unfortunately, the video doesn't end with Jon sacrificing himself to Kate's number one fans: the rabid possums of the forest. It does have a terrifying ending though. I don't appreciate that. Especially since I've always been afraid of flaming tampons.

This might be the first time in the history of forever that I actually wished I was watching Cher's ass cheeks jiggling around on a battleship. So thanks, Jon.

At NYC's Jewish Center last night, Jon Grosselin and his new spiritual adviser (and fellow fame fucker) Rabbi Shmuley Boteach sat on thrones (THRONES) to discuss how he's beginning the road to redemption. Unfortunately, redemption is not a far off place where rabid possums devour used tampons whole. Darn.

Gawker says that they charged $20 at the door for this douche extravaganza! Think of all the things you could spend two tens on: a) a handjob and taint massage from the day-shift hooker of your choice b) a back alley colonic from a junkie with a wet vac or c) a date with Gary Coleman. All of those things sound more pleasant than sitting in the same room with Jon.

Anyway, here's what Jon had to say. Open your crotch up to get a good scrubbing:

Jon on fame: "I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."

Let me stop him right there. NOT A FAME SEEKER? How did a trap door not open up when Jon said this while sitting on a throne......on stage....in front of an audience who paid $20 to hear him queef. Okay, carry on...

Jon on forgiveness: "It's hard for me because I can't forgive myself for the things I've done. So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologize to Kate. I'm sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness. I want to apologize to Kate in private. I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it's almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it."

Jon on Hailey Glassman: "We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don't want another failure in my relationships. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again."

My only question for Jon is where was his Ed Hardy yarmulke to cover up his bald spot? If you're going to do it, Jon. DO IT. Speaking of, I'm not Jewish, but I think I speak for all Jews when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU." Actually, I think I speak for the human race when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU."

Jon Grosselin is no longer using Ed Hardy as his full-time spiritual advisor. Instead, Jon is listening to the mouth belonging to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (but you can call him Rabbi Famewhore). Unfortunately, Rabbi SB has not advised Jon to hide in Balloon Boy's attic and not come out until we tell him to. But Rabbi SB did tell Jon that he needs to drop his girlfriend Hailey Glassman off at the nearest potted plant and leave her the hell alone. According to Extra, Jon has listened to Rabbi SB and has quit Meth Brows.

Some "insider" (*cough*possumhead*cough*) said, "They're taking a break. Jon apparently decided he needed to spend some time on his own." Yeah, on his own in a ditch in Chernobyl.

This is kind of funny since Hailey was on TV the other day queefing about how Jon constantly throws "mantrums," but she can never leave his ass. Hailey should consider herself lucky since she just dodged a douche bullet. Now she can go back to doing anal with potted plants which sounds much more enjoyable than doing anything with Jon Gosselin.

Rabbi BS (on purpose typo) probably has bigger publicity whoring plans for Jon. Don't be surprised if Jon changes his name to Jedidiah and starts hanging around with Ashton Kutcher. Does Ed Hardy make Kabbalah bracelets? They will now.

Hailey Glassman has been very quiet the past couple of weeks. I figured she devoured a shit load of weed which gave her a serious case of laryngitis and numb fingers making it nearly impossible for her to communicate to the media. Well, Hailey is back and she's queefing about how Jon constantly punches her emotions. Now that Jon has his nutsack back the cunt tables have turned.

Hailey tells The Insider in an interview airing tomorrow night, "He'll call me and take his anger out on me. He has 'mantrums.' I shouldn't have to put up with being emotionally abused. I cry and say, 'Why are you so mean to me? Sometimes he has trouble with the truth, and he will dance and dance around his lies. He's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I still love him. I don't want to leave him all alone. At the end of the day, I love him but I dislike him at times. When I love someone I would never hurt them."

Not only does Hailey face Jon's wrath (which sounds as threatening as an angry baby turtle), but she also has to put up with people hating on her, "I met Jon in a bubble. "I'd never seen the show. I had no idea. People judge me before they meet me. I get threats everyday. I get called a home wrecker and a fat whore. People will stare or point. It gets worse everyday."

So let's go over this, shall we? Jon Grosselin is emotionally abusive, constantly does the lie lie mambo, throws something called "mantrums," violates eyeballs by wearing nothing but douche rags and also has the body of a half-deflated hippo balloon? Why is exactly is Hailey screwing on him again? Oh yeah, fame is a serious drug.

And whenever someone calls Hailey a fat home wrecking whore, she should just pull a Sienna Miller and get revenge by fucking their man.

THAT PICTURE. I truly believe that Jon Grosselin and that poop van were both only put on this plane to take that picture together. That is their only poopose in life. They can shut it down now. Because we all know Jon's purpose in life is not to star in reality shows. CBS obviously didn't get that memo, because they are about to begin talks with Jon to join the cast of the next Amazing Race or Survivor. It seems CBS has a douche quota to meet too.

Some source (aka Hailey's weekend dealer) told Radar, "Jon is planning to fly to Los Angeles in late November for a meeting about appearing on one of the shows. Nothing is a done deal yet. This is in the very early stages."

And you know the evil warlords at CBS would really try to destroy us by pairing Jon up with Michael Lohan. Hopefully, CBS has Jon in mind for Survivor: Chernobyl or The Amazing Race....Right Off The Face Of The Earth.

I'm kind of surprised that Jon would actually consider going on Survivor. Dude was already banished from one tribe (aka his own family), and now he wants to get banished from another? Glutton for punishment.

Image you're a horse (Trace Cyrus, you're excused from class) who is forced to work in NYC on a rainy Saturday night. You would rather be in your stall, smoking some hay and watching the uncut version of My Friend Flicka. So you're already hating life, and then two giant asshole sclimb into your carriage expecting a romantic ride through the park. What do you do?

Do you sacrifice yourself for humanity and run off the nearest bridge? Do eat Hailey Glassman and say you thought she was a rotten carrot who needed to be put out of its misery? Or do you just suck it up and take them for a ride hoping that Kate Gosselin's rabid possum jumps into the carriage to ravage the both of 'em?

Well, that horse is better than me, because it went with the last option. If only somebody told that horsey it would win the Nobel Peace Prize if it just kicked Jon and Hailey in the ass bone.

No, Jon Grosselin was not sued by thousands of people whose eyelashes were singed off after staring directly into his piping hot Ed Hardy fugness. No, instead TLC has punched Jon in his moobs with a giant lawsuit. TLC filed papers this morning in Maryland claiming that Jon breached his contract by stopping production on Douche & Kunt Plus Those Kids Whose Lives We're Ruining.

In the lawsuit, TLC states that on the day they demoted Jon from "star" to "extra" on the reality show about his life, he immediately demanded that he be let out of his contract. Jon threatened that if TLC didn't drop the exclusivity clause in his contract, he'd stop his adorable money makers from filming anymore episodes of the show. Even though TLC never let Jon out of his contract, he bad-mouthed the show and network to the media. TLC IS GETTING REVENGE!

If TLC bleeds Jon of his entire supply of douche-rags, CZ studs and Axe butthole wash, then I co-sign this lawsuit. However, I really think TLC needs to stop putting all their energy into Jon & Kate. I mean, what about Mermaid Girl, or the world's fattest man, or the woman with giant legs?! WE NEED MORE OF THEM. There's other people to exploit, TLC!

Source: Radar

A Pennyslvania judge has demanded that Ed Hardy's down-low lover Jon Grosselin has to return $180,000 of the $230,000 he snatched from his joint checking account with Kate Gosselin. An arbitrator will determine what happens to the remaining $55,000.

Jon has until October 26th to pay up or he has to face the judge again for contempt. I'm sure the judge will punish Jon by making him sleep without his Ed Hardy pillow person.

Kate issued this statement to TMZ: "As difficult as this has been for me, I am pleased that the Court has ruled fairly on behalf of myself and my children. Now that this matter has been ruled on, I look forward to returning to private arbitration, as we have agreed to do, to resolve any remaining issues."

As much as it pleases my soul to know that Kate's rabid possum will get to eat live mice again, I'm a little concerned. How is Jon going to pay his fancy lil' lawyer now? If Jon can't pay his fancy lil' lawyer, how is his fancy lil' lawyer going to maintain his fanciness? No more fancy hair plugs. No more fancy fake tanning. No more fancy Louis Vuitton business woman purses. No more fancy lil' boy suits from Brooks Brothers. No more fancy lifts. And no more fancy 14k gold thongs (you know he wears that shit). Insert fancy sad face here.

No, your prayers that Jon & Kate get sucked into a gateway to hell have not yet been answered. They are still roaming the earth, and they are still fighting like they are on a Chinatown bus in San Francisco. Seriously, The Fight Queen of Muni needs to drop kick both of these foolios.

Anyway, Kate has filed papers claiming that she needs both spousal and child support since Jon cleared their joint account of over $200,000. Kate took Jon to court earlier this week for snatching the cash, but the hearing date was pushed back after the judge's wife died. So now she's going to after him another way. Kate's lawyer told People, "She needs relief in light of the draining of substantial marital assets in violation of the arbitrator's decision that the money should be used only for specific purposes." A hearing has been set for Tuesday.

It sounds to me like Kate needs to pull an Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale and hold an "Everything Must Go" yard sale. I'm sure there's plenty of mid-life crisis-having ex-frat boys who would love to buy Jon's old embroidered button-down shirts, studded jeans, empty bottles of Axe body spray and Ed Hardy ass lip clamps.

And this is what Sethe from Beloved thinks about this whole situation (WARNING: You might want to use the facilities and put on a diaper before watching):

You see what the Gosselins do to Oprah?!

VIA Videogum