The Gosselins

Jon Gosselin's new piece has an arrest record. Of course. This is Hailey Glassman's mug shot from when she was caught with two bags of the good shit outside of her dorm room at Indiana University in 2005.

A few of you hos sent me this shit and applauded Hailey for having such "exquisite" eyebrows. Au con-fucking-traire! They are wonky as hell and you know it.

One brow looks like a golf club and the other one looks like a hockey stick. Different sports! Pick a league, bitch!

It looks like Hailey learned the hard way that you have to lean back a bit when lighting a bong.

VIA Splash

If you happen to be kayaking on the Atlantic Ocean this weekend, you might see Kate Gosselin's rabid possum hair dog paddling next to you looking all cunty-like with foam pouring out of it. That's because Jon is in St. Tropez with his whore and it's going to GIT 'EM!

Jon's whore happens to be Hailey Glassman, the daughter of the plastic surgeon who tucked and pinned Kate's tummy!

Jon is in St. Tropez to discuss a job opportunity with the premiere designer for dick bags: Christian Audigier (the Ed Hardy dude). Jon is seriously speeding down the "Early Mid-Life Crisis" expressway headed directly for DouchebagVille. I mean, diamond studs? CHECK! Shirt that looks like it was made using the vomit of drunk frat boys? CHECK! Hair plugs? CHECK! Girlfriend that looks like a salty, dehydrated version of Mariah Carey? CHECK! The only way Jon could take his douchebaggery to a higher level is if he put out a rap album. POPO NO!

You better work on your OMGSHOCK face for when you hear the news that Jon and Hailey were mysteriously mauled by a beastly creature with chunky highlights.

Jon and Kate kept their hate for each other on the down low yesterday as they celebrated the Fourth of July with their kiddies. Jon's peen was probably lit up like a sparkler the entire time, because it knew it would go home to its own bed where Kate Gosselin's grouchy possum hair wouldn't hiss at it in the middle of the night. Indepenis Day for John!

The day ended without The Kool-Aid Man Jon throwing a firecracker at the rabid beast on Kate's head, so they are making progress! Kate must have sedated her possum head, because the raggedy mammals didn't run up the stairs while the fireworks are going off. You know how animals get around that shit!

And you're probably wondering why the hell they are doing fireworks in the daytime? Um, how are the paps going to get clear shots of their asses if God's bright spotlight isn't on them? Durr.

With the news of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Billy Mays taking up prime real estate on the news and most websites, I kind of forgot that Jon & Kate existed. Although, on Sunday, I was walking down the street when I saw a raggedy rat chewing on a stale meatball. It reminded me of someone, but I just couldn't put my finger on it then......

Jon & Kate are still ticking, but they want everyone to know that they won't be whoring themselves out to the media anymore. Basically, they're knocking on our doors, peeking in and screaming, "WE'RE STILL HEEEEEERE." They issued this statement yesterday:

"During this very difficult time we will be working to focus solely on the needs of our family. This includes no longer commenting publicly or reacting to media stories and speculation. Our goal is to do the very best for our children and that will be done as privately as possible. We appreciate the understanding, support and well wishes from so many."

Wait, they forgot to say, "Our goal is to do the very best for our children which is why we bought them CROOKED HOUSES. Yes, CROOKED HOUSES make children happy. CROOKED HOUSES make children behave. C-R-O-O-K-E-D H-O-U-S-E-S!"

Expect this shit to be a weekly thing with them. Next week they will issue another statement, "FYI: We still aren't talking to the media. We mean it......unless one of you just happens to stop by to borrow some sugar or something."

After Jon & Kate's marriage has already been diced up and fed to wild boars (no relation to Kate's possum head), TLC is now making the decision to press "pause" on the show until August. The L.A. Times reports that the decision didn't come from the family, it came from the network.

Before you go and lick TLC's taint for being the mighty hand of morals and reason, I think they were forced to make the decision due to the fact that they just don't have enough footage for new episodes. A source said that this season, all the episodes were shot at the last minute and not completed until the day it aired. The next new Jon & Kate episode will air on August 3rd.

While watching last night's episode, I wondered how the camera dudes and production hos deal with all the awkwardness. I mean, I made the wrong decision of watching that shit completely SOBER. I haven't felt that uncomfortable since I ran into my 70-something doctor at a sex shop with a double-sided dildo and a leather harness in his hands. It made my pubic hair sweat.

I bet the cameramen and Kate's tortured possum head do lines of crushed down Valium pills together just to deal. It's like Thanksgiving dinner with your newly divorced parents every day.

And is TLC going to change the title when the show comes back in August? I'm thinking, Jon Plus 8 (Friday through Sunday), Kate All The Other Days. Or Jon & Kate Seper8. Or Jon H8s Kate. Yeah, let's go with the last one.

Here's some thrilling pictures of Jon taking out the trash and Kate getting gas yesterday. Tomorrow I will have even more interesting pictures of Kate popping her zits and Jon massaging his bunions.

A few months ago, I barely even know who these Jon & Kate people were. When I started to read about Jon's rogue dick in the tabloids, I decided to slip into the back row with the rest of you to watch their marriage train slowly head for the side of a mountain. And now the train has crashed into the side of the mountain and burst into flames! People says that Jon & Kate filed for divorce this afternoon in Reading, Pa. They have been married for 10 years and have a million children together (rough estimate).

On tonight's episode of Jon & Kunt, they are supposed to make a big announcement. Now that People has stolen their thunder, do we still have to watch? Ugh. Sigh. Unfortunately, I'm going to watch hoping that Kate's rabid possum head bites Jon crotch just one more time. You know, one for the road.

Life & Style says that the rumors are true and Jon is moving to Manhattan. Jon is going to work in NYC and visit his kids on the weekends.

Basically, this sounds like Kate is getting EVERYTHING (i.e. the child army and house) since Jon is moving out of the state. Hey, at Jon gets his nuts back! Well, he gets them back on the weekdays anyway.

This whole thing has been like watching an episode of Faces of Death in slow motion. This shit just proves once again that reality TV murders marriages. If you're trying to get out of your marriage and don't know how, just star in your own reality show! It's the quickest way to D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Jon Gosselin is back at home after getting a fugover at Ed Hardy's House of Early Midlife-Crises. No, Jon was really apartment hunting in NYC, but he really does look like he's just been baptized in douchewater. Doesn't he realize that he's on TLC and not Vh1?! Sorry, Jon, but the diamond *studz* and totally sick t-shirt (that's what the salesperson called it) still won't make you look like you fit in at a frat party. But enough about that bag of dirty tampons. Let's focus on the ravishing creature next to him. Apparently, she is one of the nannies. I die.

Let's call her Yvette. She pronounces it Eeeeeeee-vette. I'm sure Jon and Kate found Yvette working in the dressing room section of a 5-7-9 and knew they had to have this kind of beauty around them at all times. I bet Yvette smells like Aqua Net, Exclamation and bubble gum lip gloss. And you know she still listens to Expose on CASSETTE! The nanny of my dreams.

I hope Yvette is teaching the kids how to obtain the perfect scrunched curl in your hair. Apply gel, scrunch, apply gel, scrunch, apply gel, scrunch.....etc..

Here's more of Jon and Yvette outside of the Gosselin's home yesterday afternoon. What's going on in the 3rd and 4th thumbnail below? After Jon visited Ed Hardy did he stop in at Abuelita's House of Discipline?

The women of NYC better beware, because Jon Gosselin might be settling down right here in Manhattan.

Gawker says that Jon looked at a bachelor pad at Trump Place yesterday. Jon looked at a 700-square-foot 1-bedroom that rents for around $3,200 a month. I guess if the Gosselin 8 comes to visit, they'll have to sleep in the cupboards and in the hallway.

This really isn't going to be pretty, is it? Jon is almost single, so he doesn't have to worry about Kate's pet possum biting at him for getting caught with his hand in the crotch jar. AND he has his nuts backs! That horny bastard is going to crazy.

So if you're boozing at a bar and a big blobby thing dry humps you out of nowhere, just scream "I HAVE KIDS! I HAVE KIDS." That's the code phrase. It will bounce off of you in a flash.

DIVORCE! Yeah, I totally thought the big announcement Jon & Kate are going to make on their show this Monday is that they are sending the beast on her head back into the forest to live with its relatives. Naw, they are reportedly going to announce it is OVAH between them. If you didn't see this coming then I'll have what you're having, because you are on some serious shit.

A source (aka COMMON FUCKING SENSE) tells Radar that they were originally going to announce their separation on July 15th, but it's been fast-tracked. Jon will kindly ask for his nuts back next week by filing for The Big D!

Jon & Kate haven't really been around each other the past few weeks. Mostly because whenever Jon comes around, Kate's hair starts growling. And when whenever Jon's no-nut area is around Kate, it starts whimpering. It drives everyone crazy.

Does this mean TLC is going to give them two shows now? To be honest, I wouldn't mind a second show starring Kate and her possum head. They could travel the country in a Winnebago and get into all kinds of trouble. It would be like Milo & Otis.......except cuntier....and with chunkier highlights.

On June 13th at around 11am, a mother of 8 spanked one of her kids in front of their house. Except this mother was Kate Gosselin, so the paparazzi caught the precious mother/daughter moment on camera and now it's on the cover of InTouch Magazine for the whole country to see!!! Yes, the Gosselin Fuckery Express is full steam ahead!

The pictures were taken while Kate was outside watching the children play. A witness (aka the tortured beaver on Kate's head) said one of the sextuplets, Leah, started blowing her whistle all loud-like. She was probably blowing for help.

Kate was on the phone, so she told her to stop. Leah didn't give an eff and she whistled again. That's when Kate unleashed her rage and delivered an epic ass whoopin' upon Leah. Okay, it wasn't that epic. She spanked her on the nalgas a few times. The witness went on to say, “The girl was screaming and crying. Kate just pushed her away and walked off with her coffee. Her older sisters were trying to make Leah feel better.”

Kate better put a tarp over her pet possum head, because it's about to storm! The anti-spankers are comin' for her! Kate's probably wondering why the beast on her head has the shakes. No, it doesn't have rabies again, it's scareeeeeeeeed.

I'm not a parent to a baby friend, so I'm not really sure where I stand on the whole spanking thing. If my child started acting like an a-hole, I'd probably just go into my room, lock the door and spend quality time with my good friends Jack Daniels and Vicky (short for Vicodin).

I was never really spanked as a kid by my parents. My mother tried to a couple of times, but she couldn't pull it off. When she hit us, it felt like a Shiatsu massage. My sister and I would laugh like we've never laughed before! It was funny shit to us. This would make my mom sigh and raise the white flag.

Now my abuelita, that is a different story altogether. Homegirl was not the one! If you even gave her a half-a-teaspoon of sass, she would beat the bitchery right out of you. A simple side-eye would get you a chankla to the thigh. You kept your mouth shut and your eyes down. If you behaved, she was sweeter than a Mother's Cookie, but if you acted the fool.....GAME OVER.

I could just imagine the cover of the tabloids if my family was famous. ABUELITA GOES WILD! BLACK & BLUE: ABUELITA'S FAVORITE COLORS! ABUELITA WHOOPS THOSE TRICKS!