Hookers

I guess wearing bootleg colored contacts bought at the swap meet are the new thing, because Amber Rose wore hers while hosting Tao Beach at The Venetian yesterday. Yes, hosting stupid ass pool parties (see below) is all the rage! Wake me when international supermodel Phoebe Price and Ariel Wade co-host a pool party at the Super 8 in Gainesville, Florida. Fish grease + Chicken Cutlets = A good fucking time.

It was nice of Gay Fish to temporarily unattach Amber Rose's umbilical cord from his b-hole, so she can go out and make her own money. He probably got sick of opening his precious coin purse every time she needed a few dollars to get a shave and a bleach at the barber shop.

Here's more pictures of the alien android known as Amber Rose making some money yesterday afternoon in Las Vegas. I hope they poured extra chlorine in that pool, because every trick in there probably pissed their bikinis out of fright when they first saw her "STAINS on the bad shit" eyes. Throw a cupcake at her!

Peep at the ole' blondie (in the Charlotte Russe jeans and Chinese Laundry wedges) in the background having a face seizure over Mischa Barton. My face is doing the same thing, because I can't believe that Mischa made such a sophisticated ensemble look like a common jizz rag! Just imagine the same dress on a 45-year-old (with fopa for days) graveyard-shift taxi dancer who will give you a sloppy handjob underneath the table for a Lottery Scratcher. ELEGANCE! That's who was meant to wear this dress! Not Mischa!

Although, the giant wet spot on the back of her dress is a nice touch. Bitch knows how to accessorize. I'll give her that.

Here's Mischa, fresh from the crazy ward, leaving a party in NYC last night.

My MacBook is sending good thoughts to its very distant relative, Kanye's MacBook Air, because it's about to go through some serious shit when the CAPS-LOCK poet finds out about this mess. The New York Daily News says that at Diddy's white party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, Kanye's on-and-off manpurse holder was caught tongue fucking lady beater Chris Brown in a dark corner.

Some witness said, "They were holding hands and making out in the shadows. She had her hand on his leg." A little later on, the two got gross again at an after-party. Chris showed up with singer Teyana Taylor, but quickly quit her ass for ole' baldy. The witness added, "They were kissing on the dance floor in front of Teyana. But he and Amber left separately."

Amber's contract as Kanye's bald beard must be up, because bitch is out working the ho stroll for another john and she's not being too picky. Before you give her the side-eye and a lip smack, look up the prices for a shave and a headshine. That shit isn't free! A bitch has got to get paid one way or another.

I just hope Kanye West is getting ready to unleash his wrath in the rant of all RANTS dedicated to Chris Brown! If anyone can prove that you can bust a bitch in the eye with a blog post, it's Kanye. Show us the true power of the CAPS-LOCK key, Kanye!

I fully encourage everyone out there to express your sluttiness through fashion, but making your titties look like a couple of stale cupcakes covered in sugar flowers is not the look. Cheryl Cole of Girls Aloud wore this fuggery to her birthday party last night in London. Unless your name is Johnny Weir, you do not wear fringe, mesh and applique flowers together.

And my memaw would not be pleased with this, because it looked like Cheryl ripped apart her favorite living room lamp shade to make this dress.

LOOKING LIKE A PROUD WHORE: Cheryl Cole is doing it wrong.

Last year, former pussy panderer Heidi Fleiss was living in a trailer with a bunch of parrots. It looks like Madame Heidi's luck is turning around! Heidi has finally wrapped her salty slug lips on the right wang! Heidi has announced that she will make it legal with fellow whore dealer Dennis Hof, owner of Nevada's Moonlite Bunny Ranch. Double the pimp! Together, there's not a chocha they won't be able to sell.

Heidi said, "I'm proud to say that I'm clean and sober, and I'm finally ready to make a commitment to one man - and that's Dennis. It's going to be my first and only wedding, so it's going to be fabulous." After she said that, her face fell off, because saying that many words at one time was too much pressure. It's all good though. They used some Gorilla Glue to paste her face back on. She'll be ready her fabulous wedding. And fabulous is right!

Heidi calls it a "wedding," but let's call it what it's really going to be: a straight-up orgy. Instead of the wedding officiant (who I'm hoping will be Airforce Amy) announcing "You may now kiss the bridge," she's going to announce "You may now kiss the bride's vagina." Instead of throwing rice, the groomsmen and bridesmaids will form a circle jerk around the newlyweds and shoot loads all over them. Heidi's something blue will be something she blew. This is going to be a wedding for the whore ages!

Source VIA The Frisky

While Madonna is awaiting for DHL to deliver her fifth child, her fourth child is in Brazil selling his goods for a dollar during Sao Paulo Fashion Week. Baby Jesus used to make my nipples chirp, but now the thought of Madonna's callous clit rubbing all over his face has made my entire body go limp for him. Oh, who am I fooling? I'd still whistle "I Don't Know How To Love Him?" into his peen hole.

That fugpack Baby Jesus is wearing is going to come in handy. Those front pockets provide him easier access to Vadge's Replens whenever she screams for it.

The Mormon daddy of David Archuleta, the baby-teethed mouth breather from American Idol, was arrested this past January in Utah for allegedly soliciting a prostitute whore in a massage parlor. Busted after busting a nut? Ain't that a stone-cold bitch.

Radar says that Jeffrey James Archuleta was involved in a police raid on a massage parlor in Midvale, Utah. The police sergeant said the massage parlor's landlord knew something in the jizz wasn't clean when he noticed that the employees were always dressed like sluts. When the police sergeant couldn't find a business license for the hand job factory, they raided the joint! There was only one john there at the time and it happened to be none-other-than David Archuleta's papa je'e'!

They found Papa Archie laying on his belly with a masseuse wearing lace panties standing over him. When the police asked him if he got sexy with the leased ho, Papa Archie admitted that he had. He also said he found the place on Craigslist (enough said). Papa Archie was cited and released. His second release of the day!

Papa Archie's lawyer is now chirping that his client never got milked during the massage. He said his client went to the massage parlor for a back problem. IT WAS A BACK PROBLEM! A. BACK. PROBLEM. I believe him. Any fully-trained licensed massage therapist will tell you that the quickest way to relieving back pain is a finger up the asshole and a jerk of the peen. It works every time and it's not sexual. When it involves rubber gloves, it's medical!

This is actually a big bowl of laughs, because wasn't David's father a total cunt during American Idol? I think he yelled at people constantly and was even banned from the set a few times. We can just blame it on his back problem.

Megan Fox is not only one of the most prolific thinkers of our time, but she also knows how to show up to premiere looking like a Downtown Las Vegas stripper on the prowl for a dollar, a dick and a dream! An elegant dress like this could take you from a dinner at a fancy restaurant to getting quick dicked in the back of an '89 Chrysler LeBaron. This dress has it all. Megan Fox made the right choice and by the looks of it, her nippies also approve.

I know this might be giving you flavors of St. Angie's freakum dress from Cannes, but Megan does it better. Megan has the "I will lick yo taint for a Diet Rite" attitude to pull it off with grace and class. And Megan would totally win against St. Angie in a debate on philosophy and stuff like that.

Here's more of Megan with Shia LaDouche at the Berlin premiere of Trannyformers tonight. In some of the pictures, it looks like she's trying to steal Shia's wallet. Once a shady ho, always a shady ho!!

Yesterday, I applauded Heather Graham for wearing a "one dolla to make you holla" dress to the Dublin premiere of The Hangover. At today's London premiere of the movie, Heather stayed with the whole sex-worker theme by wearing this stripper floor gown. A professional snatch shaker would usually wear a luxurious gown like this when she's begging tricks for lap dances. Heather's booby boners added an extra touch of class to this already elegant ensemble. Speaking of Heather's nipples...

Is it just me or do they roll around her breasts? In one picture, her nipple is chilling out on the east side of her breast. In another, it's back in the center. It would actually be kind of fun if you had nipples that moved around like that. When you're really bored, you could lay on your bed and try to roll your nipple into the correct spot. It would be like having your own personal labyrinth game on your chest!

I've long been a fan of the Flirt Catalog, so it pleases my loins to see that Heather Graham also knows where to go when she wants to look like an elegant lady who douches with the finest of wine coolers and doesn't give a lap dance for less than $5. Nothing says class and "I'm not wearing chonies" like a short, black, easy access dress. My only gripe is Heather's choice of shoes. A pair of exquisite lucite heels with Christmas light accents would have taken this ensemble to the next level.

Here's the pristine flower at the premiere of The Hangover in Dublin yesterday with Bradley Cooper.