Hookers

John Mayer might have a new piece to keep his twitter warm after Jennifer Aniston Riverdanced all over his heart like the man-eating tramp she is (served with a heaping dollop of sarcasm.) Star Magazine says John has moved on from 40-year-old Jen to 23-year-old ex-buffalo wing server Scheana Marie Jancan.

Scheana serves drinkies at The Grand Havana Room and that's where she met John. I'm sure it was love at first sight. Like that scene in West Side Story where Tony and Maria first meet. Picture that, but with more silicone and waaaaaay more Twittering.

The two chatted for a while before John asked for her number. Since then, they have hung out a few times and Scheana even spent a little time at John's house. Scheana apparently told some source, “There is always food and beer around. Scheana said she has loads of fun there; it’s like spring break!” So basically she's saying there's booze-infused barf everywhere and a Creepy McCreepster with rapey-eyes hiding behind almost every corner? Sounds about right.

Scheana is a former Hooters waitress who has modeled for Ed Hardy and was a runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic Pageant. Paging Sarah Larson! This trick right here stole your life.

Since this magical union will last forever, what should their couple name be? MaMa? ScheMohn?

And I would tell Scheana to immediately work on gold digging rule #3 "GET KNOCKED UP," but she will probably have a hard time trying to conceive with a soppy tampon. The only thing Scheana will give birth to from fucking John Mayer is a big pile of extra-chunky clitty litter.

Yeah, usually Kate Moss prefers to fuck on carcasses and zombies, but recently she was caught with one of the dudes from the band The Living Things. While on a trip to Berlin, Kate got close to Eve Berlin. So close in fact that they ended up taking off all their panties.

Eve's brother Lillian, who is the lead singer of The Living Things, told The Sun, “Walking in on my brother and Kate Moss with their clothes off, that was very awkward. I don’t like to look at my brother naked. Between my brother being naked and seeing Kate Moss naked with my brother, that was very awkward.”

Just for the record, Lillian and Eve were allegedly born with penises. Their original names were Lawrence and Yves, so don't blame their parents on the reason why they sound like characters Bette Davis has played in movies.

When asked if Kate's boyfriend, Jamie Hince, knows about her slapping Eve's peen with her cokey lips, Lillian said, “No comment. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Well, Kate just can't help it. She's following the rules! You know what they say, "When in Berlin, do a dude named Berlin."

Once again, Peta has confirmed that they will put any bottom of the barrel ho on one of their ads. This time, it's Ceiling Eyes from The Hills and the Photoshop artists magically moved her eyes to the side, so it doesn't look like she's trying to stare at her forehead to see if her brain has come back yet. Ceiling Eyes is not Ceiling Eyes if she's not looking at the ceiling. Durr.

This ad kind of doesn't work, because everyone knows that when an Audrina Patridge gets her wings, a puppy dies.

This is what 15-year-old Taylor Momsen from Gossip Girl and her mom wore to church yesterday. Okay, I haven't been to church in like eons, so I have no idea what people wear anymore. If bitches show up looking like Courtney Love working the ho stroll in order to raise money for that exiled Nigerian Dignitary who e-mailed her, then I need to stop by more often while making my way home in the morning. That's what these two look like. They had to pop in really quick to apologize to God for all the dark-sided shit they did only hours before.

You know they took extra swigs from the church wine and tried to snort the wafers. Actually, they probably brought a flask and asked to have it refilled for the road. I have to remember that one.

Here's more of Young CLove, her mom Pat Benatar and her little sister after praying to Jesus yesterday.

There are a million other uses for a ShamWow towel that we just don't know of. It can be used to clean up chunky doody off the floor after your asshole got a little too into it during butt sex. It also can be used to clean up barf that fell out of your mouth while you were having a seizure after ODing. AND you can use it to wipe up blood from a hooker's face after you beat her down because she tried to bite your tongue off! Vince should really show us the last one in his informercials, because it happened to him. A testimonial!

The Smoking Gun reports that the methed out version of Billy Mays was arrested in Miami last month after he got into a brawl with a hooker! It all started when Vince picked up the pussy peddler, Sasha Harris, at a night club. The two new lovebirds went back to his room at the Setai Hotel where Sasha told Vince it would cost him $1,000 to slap and chop her snatch. Vince agreed, and so the fun and games began. While they were making out, Vince told the police that Sasha bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go. This caused Vince to punch her several times until she let go. Once Vince had his tongue back in his own mouth and was able to get away, he ran crying and screaming into the lobby. Ahaha! Why do I picture the front desk bitch screaming, "Hey! You're the ShamWow dude!" while Vince was whining about his tongue almost getting bitten off. Oh, it's times like this that I really love being alive.

The police were called and both were arrested for felony aggravated battery. Prosecutors later decided to not file formal charges against either of them. Sasha said she might file a lawsuit against Vince to get a little bit of his ShamWow money. And no, she doesn't love his nuts.

I didn't peg Vince as the make-out type. I would think he would want to bust a mess all over that whore as soon as possible, so that he could mop it up with his handy ShamWow. You know that's the part that reaaaally turns him on.

Vince's mug shot was sponsored by the Department of Meth FACES. Damn fuck! If only Vince could use one of his magical ShamWow towels to wipe the meth damage off his mug.

And somewhere in America, Bill Mays' peen is getting raw from jacking off to this story over and over again, because he knows the cops used OxiClean to get the blood out.

What the dick do we have here? Why it's none of other than the mega skankwhore of Orange County Gretchen Rossi on a boat in Newport Beach yesterday! And who is that she's putting her gold digging paws all over? Why it's none other than creepster Slade Smiley! With a name like Slade Smiley, you're either a child touching clown or a douchey perv who thinks he looks sexy hot in camo shorts. Slade is the latter.

Slade was in the first couple of seasons of The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange Skin County. Slade went on to star in another Bravo shit show with Jo. And now it looks like he's coming back to not-really-reality TV! You know, there was a rumor going around the internets that shortly after Gretchen's sugar pepaw passed away, she was rubbing her sluttiness all over Slade so that she would be guaranteed a spot next season. Looks like that shit was right. And the whorebag has the audacity to keep her engagement ring on while she's getting gross with Slade. Pour some holy water on me and call a priest, because that is dark-sided!

It's not that I really care that Gretchen is a dick burglar who put the HO in whore, but it's about moral character. MORAL CHARACTER! Okay, not that I know what that is exactly, but this seemed like the perfect time to quote Tamra. Moral character!

This is the way a high-class pussy merchant should dress! Amber Rose finally stepped off the Fly Girl reject bus and dipped herself in gold digger elegance to attend the Metropolitan Opera's Gala with her main sponsor. The only thing she's missing is more diamonds and a toy Pomeranian. Then the bitch would really be ready for business. Get that cash money, Amber Rose! Break open Kanye's checking account like a MacBook Air!

This is why we need to keep freon away from our children. Inhaling massive amounts of freon produces fuckery like this. Actually, the word fuckery doesn't even begin to describe this mess.

20-year-old Eddie McCrazy of Estero, Florida is soooo obsessed in the brains about reality mega whore Megan (Rock of Love, Charm School, I Love Money, Trophy Wife) that he got a tattoo of her pancake face and retarded chihuahua (her words) on his arm. A few minutes after Eddie got this tattoo, his crotch started itching, his no-no started leaking smegma and he had a rash on his taint. Infected by The Megan!

You know, I figured this dude just got the tattoo so he could lick her tittays whenever he wanted, but after investigating his MySpace, I found out he dances on my team. This OctoMommy crazy.

But seriously, this doesn't make my idea of getting a "DJ Lady Tribe drank a buttery nipple shot out of my asshole" tattoo on my ass cheek seem so bad.

Source VIA ONTD

It's hard to keep up with Drew Barrywhore. First, bitch was CLT+AL+Fucking on the Mac Dude, then she moved on to one of the maybe-gays of Gossip Girl, and then she was linked to Jason Segel. I might have missed a dude or twenty. Homelips has got more miles on her vag than my mom's old 1988 Nissan Stanza.

Well, now Page Six thinks Drew is getting on Divine Brown's ex-lover, Hugh Grant. On Monday night, Drew was at the Waverly Inn (which is like a restaurant and not an old timey hotel) in NYC when Hugh strolled in. Some witness said, "She squealed and jumped in his arms. The two then made out."

Oh, that's how the hippie child of the sunflowers does it. You know those type. When they greet you, their lips start aiming for yours. You either hold in your vomit and let them do it or you tell them you have mono....and the herp.....and the bird flu... and the consumption.

Drew just greets all her co-stars with the tongue! You should fucking see how she says "Hi" to E.T.! That alien bitch has to phone the free clinic after that shit.

Image: Bauer Griffin (and it's an old pic from 2007 on the set of that shit show they did together)

Pants are for looooosers. A real slut shows off her smilin' snatch so others can smile back or frown at it, in this case.

That beat down, raggedy, hot weasel known as Russell Brand left a club in London last night with these two winners who look like they just crawled out of the toilet on the Rock of Love Bang Bus. The three Cumsketeers all shuffled back to Russell's whore palace at 3am for a cheese tasting....on his dick. And these two hookers will provide the crab crackers!

For real, what is wrong with pants? If the Jane Fonda workout video extra thinks wearing no pants will provide easier access, she's wrong. She still has to pull that shit to the side and hold it. Her friend has the right idea. She just has to lift and spread. Much easier access. And you can breath easy knowing these two didn't catch pneumonia from the cold. Their genital warts kept them nice and toasty.