Hookers

Now that Kendra Wilkinson has moved out of the Playboy mansion and is no longer one of Hef's whores, she's spilling shit to UsWeekly (via NYDN). Oh, I love it when bitches diarrhea all over what made them famous in the first place.

Kendra said life at the mansion was strict as hell and that she's totally against Hef's "way of life" now. Their comings and goings were monitored in a book that Hef would look at every morning. They weren't allowed to ever visit their families during the holidays and they were given a measly weekly allowance of only $1,000. Kendra said, "I hate putting my hand out, but we couldn't have jobs other than getting appearance fees."

$52k a year is minimum-wage for a trophy wife. Although, the mansion does have an open bar, right? Because I know some skanks that probably spend that a year on booze alone. Don't look at me. I'm fucking happy with some Gordon's.

Despite her every move being watched, Kendra found ways to sneak out for quick fuck sessions. She said that there were times when she would suck on Hef's Play-Doh peen, but most days she hardly saw him. She said, "I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office. There were never solo dates. The most we kind of say to each other is, 'I love you,' 'Love you too,' 'I hope you have a good day,' 'Did you have a good day?' "

So because of the lack of attention her poon was getting, she had to go elsewhere to get that shit milked. But Kendra said Bridget claims she never fucked around on Hef, "Bridget told me that she's been faithful all these years, and I was like, 'How the hell can you do that?' I had to have [sex] so I could feel my age,like a healthy human being."

It sounds like Kendra sort of had it okay. SORT OF. Everything was pretty much paid for. She didn't have to regularly eat Hef's oatmeal ass. And she could fuck with some hot piece every now and again.

Holly is the one I want to hear from. That bitch was sleeping in Hef's bed every night. She's the one who probably has carpal tunnel from trying to get Hef to bust one while jacking him off with BenGay. She has the stories.

And at least Kendra learned how to sneak out properly. She's going to need that skill after she gets married and her new husband stops putting out.

When us mega sluts aren't sucking dick in between subway cars after rush hour (sometimes there's nowhere to go), we're getting absolutely wasted. It's a life! Sienna Miller did a little of the latter last night in London. And her ball and chain peen Balthazary Getty was not around. So when the peen is away, the pussy will play.

Sienna left a club with Cillian Murphy and some "Michael Kors after Jenny Craig-looking" gay. If Cillian's wife was smart, she would've put The Club on her husband's dick before he went out with Sienna. Or at least stuck a Lojack in his ass. You know how Sienna plays. When she sees a shiny wedding ring, it's just a matter of time before she's wearing it on her clit.

Holly, Kendra and Bridget have been replaced by 19-year-old twins, Karissa and Kristina, and now 22-year-old Crystal Harris (the skeezer in the headband). Over the holidays, Crystal apparently went on E!'s message boards and told everyone she was now on Hef's payroll as his third hooker. The NYDN says Crystal, a San Diego State psychology student, wrote, "Hef gave me permission to fill people in on the new updates as a voice from the mansion."

She also said that right now Hef just has three whores, but "there are a couple that we have interest in. ... As for now, it is just us three."

Crystal hasn't been in Playboy yet, but she has bared her Ziploc sacks for the website. Click here to see her precious MySpace. It looks like the brain of an 12-year-old girl created it. Oh wait...

I'm getting a total Kendra vibe from the new ho. Well, if Kendra swallowed Holly and Bridget whole and had trouble digesting them.

And it makes sense why Hef always needs three skanks on staff. He needs one to pull his right prune cheek, one to pull the left and the third ho gets in there and wipes him up real good.

Kristin Billie Davis is the ho that I briefly fell in love with during that whole Spitzer drama. She sold top shelf poon through her Wicked Models escort service. Spitz was one of her clients. Kristin pleaded guilty to selling whores back in October. While she's waiting to be sentenced, 32-year-old (cough, HACK, choke) Kristin shared her pro-ho skills with Steppin' Out Magazine (via Gawker) by saying how much Brit Brit, Sarah Palin, Wonky McValtrex and others would make if they sold their ass for her.

It's hard for me to listen to a creature who looks like she hasn't been exposed to natural light since the early 90s for fear that the sun might turn her into a puddle of silicone.

Kristin's assessment is totally WTF-ish. This dumb whore makes no sense. I mean, she says Katie Holmes could make up to $3,000 an hour, because she has that "girl next door" look. Yeah, if you live next to a methadone clinic for snails. Has this plastic moron seen Katie Holmes lately?! Kristin also thinks Brit Brit's chitterling pie could sell for about a grand. And if she didn't lose her brains, she could get $2,000.

I don't know why Wonky McValtrex is even included. That bitch is already handing out her broke down snatch for the bargain basement price of $0. The dumb fucks who hit that shit are the ones who pay the price by receiving a standing appointment to the free clinic.

I wish they would've asked her how much The Empress of Lucite would cost for an hour of fucky times. Kristin's Tupperware tittays (that's what she thinks with) would have exploded from trying to put a price on Shauna Sand's priceless lucite flower.

Kristin's entire list with her comments is after the jump. Warning. You might be offended and your outer (or inner) vagina will probably weep over this fuckery. JUMP!!!!

Sharon Osbourne is the headmistress of Rock of Love: Charm School and she had to teach the skanks how to be classy ladies. Well, I guess all that shit flew out of the window on Saturday night, because Sharon allegedly tried to rip out Megan Hauserman's bleached weave for talking shit about Ozzy. One of the rules of Charm School must be: Thou shall get a beat down if you talk trash about my husband.

It all went down at the taping of the Charm School reunion show on Saturday night. According to TMZ, Megan told Sharon that she was only famous for managing a brain dead rock star named Ozzy Osbourne. The truth does burn. Megan's little comment must have lit the fire in Sharon's asshole, because she bounced off her seat and went after her. Sharon grabbed at Megan's back alley weave, pulling at it and scratching at her until security came in to pull the two beavers apart.

Megan went to the hospital yesterday and filed a police report. The LAPD hasn't filed charges, but said that Sharon is a suspect in a minor battery.

A reunion show on Vh1 isn't complete until a crazy lady goes after a dumb, useless skank. Sharon really should have tried to pull Megan's face a part instead, because that shit needs it. Then she could have sent Megan an invoice for fixing her dough face. Seriously, Megan pays so much attention to those Tupperware titties when she really should be working on that mug! She has the face of a little chubby boy on a day-shift stripper's body.

And after Sharon was done with Megan, she should've went after that cunt Lacey with a hot razor.

Wait. And what about Megan's mentally challenged chihuahua Lily?! I hope she didn't get hurt during the pussy fight. Yeah, she probably held Megan down for Sharon.

Ashley Dupré (you know it's really Dupree, but the é makes her classy) is doing the media rounds to talk about how she sold some political person her vagina. Wait. Before we get into it. Doesn't Ashley sort of look like a NJ Daisy Fuentes who got her face stuck in a subway door? Okay, now that I got that out of the way....

Ashley talks to Diane Sawyer on "20/20" this Friday and she also gave an interview and bj to People. Ashley says she's done with the whore game, but obviously she's not done profiting off of it. She says, "I'm 23 years old. I want to do music, to do fashion, to write books – there's so many things." 23?! In Kim Zolciak years, right? And by "do," she really means "do." Cut to Ashley rubbing her bits on a Forever 21 scarf.

Ashley also claims she had no idea who that Eliot Spitzer dude was when she got spitzed by him. "Some guys, they want to have conversations and really get to know each other. With him, it clearly was not like that. It was more of a transaction. Strictly business. I was there for a purpose – not to wonder who [he] could be."

What's the point of that shit?? If I was a hooker (one that gets paid, at least) I'd do background checks on all my johns! It's all about add-ons. Get paid to open your mouth and then get paid even more to keep it shut afterwards! Any good whore knows the art of blackmail!

Lastly, Ashley tells us the difference between a paid whore and a regular girl, "This wasn't any different than going on a date with someone you barely knew and hooking up with them. The only difference is I can pay my rent."

Yes, girls who do not sell their coochie for a few hundred dollar bills can't pay their rent. Why so smart, Ashley?

If you give a fuck, you can go to People and ABC to read more from her interviews. At ABC's site, I noticed this first comment under Ashley's interview:

Stop wasting my time with junk like this. Don't you have someone better to talk to? How about real people who are struggling to make ends meet. not high paid sluts.

All of you might as well just copy and paste this shit into my own comments. I'm sure that's what most of the comments will consist of anyway. I'll go and punish myself by staring at a bag of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies without touching it. While doing that, here's some entertainment:

If you've never heard of Adrienne Bailon of the Cheetah Girls, you have now, thanks to some pictures of her naked ass that were conveniently "stolen" from her laptop and are now all over the internets. Adrienne claims the pictures were only meant for her true love Robert Kardashian (brother of Kim).

Her spokeswhore, Jonathan Jaxson (who also runs a gossip blog), issued this statement to TMZ:

"The photos that have surfaced of Adrienne Bailon were stolen from her laptop over a week ago at an airport in NY and sent to several media outlets. These photos were taken in private. Adrienne will be pursuing legal action against the person or person's sending these private photos out.

Adrienne is deeply sorry for any pain this may have caused to her fans."

He should've just said, "Adrienne is a Disney star, so, you know how that works." Disney is the land of sluts! The next time you're at Disneyland, you'll probably get the sudden urge to take off your pants and run for the nearest webcam. Actually, Disneyland should open a booth for leaking pictures of your naked ass on the internet.

The pictures that Adrienne is apologizing for are so fucking tame. If they were a Disney movie, they'd be rated PG. Visit Egotastic! to see them, but she doesn't show any nip or snatch. She just flashes her ass. Child's play! That's what my drivers license photo looks like. It's not like she's spreading her cheeks and winking with her dirt star. It's nothing!

And at first I thought that was a chunky skidmark on her ass cheek, but I think it's just a fugly tattoo.

Can we start taking bets on what Disney slut will be the next to have a "nude picture" scandal? Please let it be RAVEN and her upside down eyebrows!

Lily Allen was outside some GQ party in London last night looking like a shaky low-tier 80s call girl going through withdrawals while waiting for her dealer to show up. Basically, I love this look. Lily probably heard about Betty Boop being made into a Broadway musical, so she decided to pay homage with her "disco Betty Boop hits rock bottom" look. Hot.

The Mac Dude and fauxmosexual Tila Tequila were caught doing nasty things together at some club in Los Angeles. Some nosy person with a strong gag reflex told Page Six that the Mac Dude "asked her to straddle him while making out. Eww." I love that the nosy person said "Ewww." Only Blair Waldorf would say that shit.

The Mac Dude and Tila have also been seen together at LAX and a club in Las Vegas.

This dude is throwing me off. First, he was getting it on with Drew Barrymore, then he was slapping flour sacks with Kiki Dunst and now Tila?! The fuck? I would expect him to go from Kiki to Mischa Barton and then to the homeless hipster on the corner. But Tila?!

And what happened to Tila and Nay Nay?! Although, Nay Nay sort of looks like the Mac Dude.....if he got hit by a semi-truck, dragged four miles and then thrown into the sewer. Don't know who Nay Nay is? Google her, you dumb fuck!

Natalie Dylan, the chick auctioning off her cherry to the highest bidder, was on The Ty Ty Show today with one of her potential v-card takers. Natalie's virginity auction is being run by the fat Mr. Clean-looking dude who owns The Bunny Ranch. He said they have received over 5,000 bids ranging from $1 million to $3.8 million, including bids from a rock star and famous actor. I bet the "famous actor" is James Woods. Ew. You know he's into that shit.

Natalie, who wants to be a sex therapist when she grows up, tried to sound all smart and shit during the interview, saying the auction only started out as a "theoretical study" but now she wants to capitalize on selling her virginity. Study my dick hole. This bitch wants to get paid and there's nothing wrong with that, but let's not make this shit all serious. She's whoring herself out. Plain and simple.

59-year-old Lee, one of the bidders, said he's never been with a virgin before and wants to know what it's like. You know, Lee is exactly what I picture when thinking of a dude who will bid on this kind of shit. He looks like his hands are always clammy and suffers from a serious case of Halitosis in his mouth and asshole.

That said, for a $1 million, I'd stick a maraschino cherry up my no-no hole and let Lee fish it out with his Mr. Burns-like bony fingers. I'd even let him keep the stem.

P.S. - Airforce Amy (the blonde prosty in the clip above) is the greatest American who ever lived.