Hookers

Does Spanx not make nude color tights? That black shit on Kim KardASSIAN's legs are not acceptable and Lynda Carter queefs on them! That killed her whole Wonder Whore outfit for me. Well, that and the bottom of her costume looks like a politically themed Depends diaper from the back. I think she also had an invisible plane with her, but her ass gobbled it up.

My arch rival CHERYL BURKE disappoints me. This was her chance to dress as a slutty wet vac or a slutty Swiffer, but she chooses this busted crap instead?! Is she some kind of slutty army mop?

Here's a few more pictures of Kim and CHERYL BURKE celebrating Whoreoween last night with Kim's mommy. I think she's dressed as a horny and menopausal Soviet soldier with a sweaty pit problem.

Jennifer Aniston and ultra manwhore Gerard Butler had dinner together in Los Angeles last week. Jen must have given her #1 stalking victim, John Mayer, the night off. A source told Page Six that Jen and Gerry weren't alone, "They were very affectionate to each other. There was another man at the table, but he looked like he was a chaperone - or just there to stop tongues wagging. They basically ignored him."

According to Star, the other dude at the table was director Andy Tennant and the three were just having a business meeting.

Please, tell that to Gerard's peen. It's never business with that thing. Gerry just asked Andy to come along just in case Jenny's vagina got loose and attacked his spermies sack!

John Mayer probably got his period and stormed out on Jenny. Instead of staying home and playing "fake wedding" with her cat friends, Jenny pulled out the yellow pages and looked up "manslut for the night." And there was Gerry's picture smiling back at her. Seriously. This is what Gerry does. He cures sad vaginas.

I wouldn't mind these two together solely for the fact that they would have an amazing couple name: AnisBut!

The Shannon Sisters are the newest members of Hugh Hefner's team of whores and last night they enjoyed just one of the perks of sucking on silly putty dick by attending some fashion show. I'm trying hard to like these twin sluts, but they're making it hard.

This is the best look they could put together?

They look like two day-shift hookers who just emerged from a bush, where they were hiding from the cops. Those weaves probably came directly from Holly Madison's trash can after being ran over by a semi-truck. The Shannon Sisters just brushed them off a bit and then attached that shit to their heads using Scotch tape.

I'd never say this shit to their faces though, because they'd hit me over the head with a bottle and jump me.

It was wrong of me to completely write-off Hugh Hefner's new pair of skanks without knowing more about them. Thanks to TMZ, I've learned something new about these two cum dumpsters and now I think I love them!

Twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, Hef's 19-year-old new in-house girlfriends, have a bad girl past. These two pieces of trash were arrested this past January in St. Petersburg, Florida for beating a bitch at a house party.

One of the relatives of the victim said the twins, who worked at Wing House at the time, went to a party with one of their co-workers named Erica. Kristina got into an argument with Erica which led to Karissa hitting Erica over the head with a bottle. After that, both of the trash bag twins jumped Erica. They were arrested and later given probation and were ordered to pay restitution. Erica suffered a concussion.

Karissa was also arrested last year for allegedly beating another bitch.

This is the shit I like to hear. That incident also produced these beautiful matching mug shots. I like what the bitch on the left is trying to do with her eyebrows. Double the methbrows! She's trying to distract from the crack pox on her forehead. These mug shots look like a "before and after" ad for Clearasil!

I hope these two meth skeezers raise hell in the Playboy Mansion, but they better not even think of fucking with Mary.

Daisy De La HOya, the stripper Muppet with mutant vagina lips from Rock of Love 2, is getting her own Vh1 show. Why not? Vh1 is handing these shows out at the free clinic. With every 5th Valtrex refill, you get your very own Vh1 reality show!

Vh1 announced that they are looking for dudes who are willing to put their genitals in danger for "Daisy of Love." A better title would have been "Who Wants An STD?"

The show will follow Daisy as she sucks, fucks, licks and eats through a group of dudes to find "the one":

Millions tuned in to see Rock Of Love 2 runner-up Daisy De La Hoya get her all-access pass to Bret Michaels’ heart denied. Now after being jilted by her supposed Rock of Love, Daisy, is determined to find her one man who will rock her world. Daisy is on a quest for true love and this time she is giving her fans the chance to vie for her love and vote to help determine which contestant makes the cut for VH1’s Daisy of Love Premiering Spring 2009.

Beginning this week, VH1 is giving viewers an opportunity to submit themselves for consideration for the first season of Daisy Of Love. Online users can log on to VH1’s new Daisy Of Love dedicated site at daisyoflovecasting.com. The site will serve as the ultimate spot for fans of the show. Viewers can upload profiles for consideration and vote for their favorite potential candidates. Casting submissions must include an uploaded profile with videos, photos and blog entries. Deadlines for first round submissions are November 14. For more information visit daisyoflovecasting.com.

Heather was ROBBED! If anybody deserves their own show, it's Heather. Daisy Duck and her salty slug lips belong on a strip club stage during the morning-shift, not on their own Vh1 show.

Actually, scratch that. Heather doesn't deserve her own show either. You know who does? The 105-year-old virgin! Vh1 needs to give Clara Meadmore her own reality show.

For the past few weeks there have been many rumors about the "Girls Next Door" falling apart, moving out of the mansion and being replaced by younger models. There has also been a little rumor that Holly Madison is doing it with a douche magician who goes by the name of Criss Angel. Hef and Holly both denied all the rumors.

Last night, a TMZ camera man chatted with Holly outside of a restaurant and he told her he wanted to go to the Playboy Halloween party and if she could get him in. Holly yammered on about how she was going to be Elvis for Halloween and then she said, "I have no pull anymore. Hef and I aren't together."

SHOCK! DISMAY! TRAGIC! Seriously, this is about as surprising as the doctor telling me that my butthole only has a few more years left.

Holly also said that she's still filming shit with Kendra and Bridget for the sixth season of "GND."

Holly's 28, so she is getting up there in age. "Puffin" only has a few years left, so why would he want to spend them with a wrinkly old bag like Holly? Besides, Hef is still married! Holly needs to find a sugar daddy that is actually available for marriage. Mini-Me perhaps?

Rumors have been going around that Hugh Hefner's three slutty bunnies are ready to bust out of the mansion. Holly is reportedly fucking Criss Angel. Barf. Kendra is reportedly engaged to football player Hank Baskett. Okay. And Bridget....well....who cares about that one! Hugh addressed all the rumors with E!'s Marc Malkin.

Hef said that he's still with all three girls and Holly is not dating Criss Angel. He said, "Holly shares my bed on a nightly basis."

He did admit that the relationship he has with the girls is "in transition." "Are there going to be changes in the relationships, I'm sure there are going to be. I think that in the future, the girls are going to, in time, be dating others and moving out of the mansion, and when that happens we will not be keeping it a secret." Translation: Hef's shopping around for younger models.

I believe that Kendra and Bridget are solely there for the show and nothing more. Holly is another story. In her Stepford mind, she believes that Hef is going to marry her and give her many babies with old man faces.

Think of all the times Holly woke up with piss on her leg and Hef's drool on her weave. Or all the hours she spent sucking on his drowsy turtle head. What does she have to show for it?! She needs to pack up her bag of stupid costumes and find a new sugar daddy. She gets a FAIL in the art of gold digging. Put her in the back of the bus with Sarah Larson!

Karrine "Superhead" Steffans has always been a big ball of gooey class, so it's no surprise that she's taken to her blog to show off a bag of asshole trinkets allegedly belonging to Eddie Winslow. Yes, Eddie Winslow from "Family Matters." HA! Eddie Winslow likes a little bump in the rump.

I guess Eddie and Superhead used to date or something. Looks like it "ended" badly.

I love how Superhead is all grossed out from touching those used ass toys. Bitch, please. I'm sure she's had worse things on her hands than a little Winslow butt pudding. And I'm sure those ass toys wiggled in her parts a couple of times. But I do thank Superhead for introducing me to the phrase "ass dust."

Oh and the video is a little NSFWish. Cover Waldo Geraldo Faldo's eyes and ears then proceed with caution. Whoever guesses which model I own, wins a prize! I'm joking! About the prize part, I mean....

Source VIA C+D

On his radio show today, Howard Stern will interview a 22-year-girl who is selling her virginity to the highest bidder on an auction site. Who said romance was dead? Goodbye virginity, hello prostitution!

The chick who is going by the fake name of " Natalie Dylan" is going to use the money to pay for her college education. Okay, if you're going to go by a fake name, why choose Natalie Dylan? Her marketing efforts are already failing! She should have picked something "flashier." I'm thinking "Poppy My Cherry."

Rush & Molly reports that Howard introduced Natalie to Dennis Hof, the creepy fat dude who owns the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada. The auction will take place on bunnyranch.com and the winner will take Natalie's v-card at the ranch. Natalie's sister already works there.

Natalie said she's been forced to sell her cherry, because her stepfather took out a student loan in her name, so she's unable to finance her education. She said, "I don't have a moral dilemma with it. Why shouldn't I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity? I understand some people may condemn me. But I think this is empowering. I'm using what I have to better myself."

In order to prove that she's a virgin, Natalie will take a lie-detector test and undergo a gynecological exam. She's not just choosing any dick either. The highest bidder won't necessarily be the one she does bloody sexy times with. She's going to screen the bidders and find a dude she's happy with.

Natalie already has her bachelor's in women's studies from Sacramento State. In January she starts working on getting her master's in marriage and family therapy. HA!

Heidi Montag better step up her hooker game. It looks like she has some serious competition for the title of world's greatest feminist hero.

I can't keep up with Cameron Diaz. She's like Kate Hudson to me. I have no idea who she's bumping fuglies with at the moment. Well, I guess she's still doing sexy times with Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor. Page Six reports that the two were spotted being all slutty and shit at the Four Seasons in the Maldives.

A source said, "They snorkeled, kayaked, and she ate like a horse." I think the source meant to say that she "ate like a whore." How do whores eat exactly? Well, we don't use utensils and we moan a lot while shoving food down our deep throats.

Anyskanky, the source also said Pizza Face Diaz wore a "chunky ring on her left ring finger." This is not what you think! It's not an engagement ring! Kate Hudson has the same ring. It's a "slut ring" with a special alarm on it to alert you when you've been with a dude too long. It's going to go off any minute. Then Cameron will start dating Lance Armstrong and Kate will start dating Paul. It's inevitable.