Hookers

Sienna Miller's got a lightning fast vagina. It wastes no time in finding another peen to keep it warm. It seemed like it was only minutes ago that Sienna dumped that Rhys Ifans dude and she's already linked to another dude. And that other dude is married! Hey, a dick is a dick to Sienna. Even if the dick has a wedding ring, she doesn't care. Actually, she might like that even more.

Sienna has reportedly been doing sexy times with Balthazar Getty. He's married with 4 kids, the youngest born last October. Sienna and Balthazar met through his "Brothers and Sisters" co-star Matthew Rhys. Balthazar is also an heir to the Getty Oil fortune.

A source told The News of the World that they are trying to keep their affair quiet, because...well....you know. The source said, "They daren't go out together, so they spend most of their time inside. When they do leave, they go separately."

Balthazar's wifey apparently left their home in Los Angeles, taking their kids with her, after she heard about his affair with Sienna.

About a month ago, a reader wrote me and said she had dinner next to Sienna and Balthazar in Prague. She said they were "making out" and talked about "how they were so into each other." She sent me a few shots of them saying goodbye. The dog is obviously ashamed for Sienna. That poor bitch doesn't want to be associated with homewrecking trash like Sienna!

And Balthazar is a major dumb fuck for messing with his money like that. Hopefully, his wifey takes everything, even that stupid ass hat, and leaves him broke. It upsets me when people screw with money like that. Money first, orgasms second.

42-year-old Deven Traboscia of Palm Beach Gardens, FL is auctioning off her home and herself in a package deal. The single mother of 2 has posted an auction on eBay as well as an ad on Craigslist. She's been divorced for 8 years and hopes she'll find a man and a buyer for her house. Her Craigslist ad reads:

Marry a Princess Lost in America
Create the Magic with this Fairy Tale Princess

Traveling Lady in immediate need of her Prince Charming, someone who wants to share & create magical moments, imaginations & fantasies for LIFE!!!

If you want to live the never ending dream and experience the real love, life and the romance you have always felt was a fairytale then this is the vibrant outstanding woman of your dreams!

To sweep this European Loving Lady off her feet send in your application right now.

Deven's home is 2000 sqft on a 5,227 sqft lot. Wait, maybe those are her body measurements. She told ABC Action News that a man from Europe is coming to Florida to meet her and see the home. She's going to be fucking pissed when Sacha Baron Cohen as Bruno shows up with his camera crew.

Deven included a few pictures of herself and her home in the auction, but she looks nothing like those pictures! The second thumbnail below is what Deven's ass looks like now. False advertising! And what does "European Loving Lady" mean? Does that mean she's into kinky shit?

The eBay auction has since been removed by a bunch of fun killers, but bidding started at 99 cents with a $500,000 shipping and handling fee. Deven's Craigslist ad is still up, so the fairy princess and her dream home can still be yours for the rock bottom price of $500,099. Or you can just buy me for a two piece and a biscuit.

Unfortunately, this is not a post featuring cute pictures of little, furry bunnies dressed as soldiers with plastic guns. This is about a different bunny. A bunny with yellow polyester hair, robot eyes and fake chichis. The Playboy bunny! TMZ reports that it's war between Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson of "The Girls Next Door." A source said that everyone on the set of the show hates Holly, especially Kendra. Can't the robot and the dyke just get along?!

Holly and Kendra are fucking up shoots since they fight all the time. Producers are getting sick of trying to film around it. Uh....what's wrong with filming the fight itself! Who doesn't love a good bunny fight. Throw them in a cage with a couple of carrots.

Holly who is Hef's #1 bunny has even started showing her dick around the magazine. She apparently wants more and more editorial control and longtime employees are not having it.

The other bunny, Bridget, tries to keep the peace. Yeah, popping pills every 5 minutes can do that to a person.

Holly needs to stop the fighting and start the plotting! This bitch should be knocked up with Hef's spawn by now! She doesn't have much time before he goes off to the great, big bunny field in the sky. She should be trying to get oil out of his dry well, not fighting with Kendra's fake hip-hop ass.

I say, send them all back to wear they came from, the day-shift at Hooters!

Ambre Lake, the winner of Crack Rock of Love 2, got a new job and it's not another Vh1 reality show. That's a first. Ambre is starring in a new interactive movie called Project Slasher. It's described as a horror version of the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. Oh shit! Do you remember those books? They never worked for me, because I always cheated.

Anyway, in the movie you decide Ambre's fate. Should she run into the woods or run into the barn? Basically, you choose if she lives or dies. I played it for about 10 seconds, but got bored of this mess. I kept waiting for Bret Michael to pop out of the woods without his bandanna on. I don't think my heart or bowels could take that. Shit, that's the face Ambre made when she first saw what's hiding underneath Bret's kerchief.

I only posted this shit, because I still haven't broken up with the skanks of Rock of Love. It's hard to say goodbye. Also, I thought Ambre was like a respected TV host or some shit? Now she's doing low-rent online horror movies? Soft-core is next! Soft-core memaw porn!

Oh and I have no idea if she's still with Bret. I'm going to take a wild guess and say she isn't.

Click here to play Project Slasher, but if you give an eff.

VIA People

And it's getting better! This week, Denise Richards accused Charlie Sheen of doctoring an e-mail which claimed she wanted some of his sperm to make another baby. Charlie called her a liar, among other things. Yesterday, Charlie's friend called Denise a liar for saying she's only doing a reality show for money to support her kids. The friend claims the bitch is already getting a shit load of dough from Charlie.

Well......Denise has responded. She told Page Six that Charlie is exploiting the entire situation. She claims she sent him a text message last week telling him one of their daughters was sick and asking him if he was going to attend family day at his other daughter's school. Denise said, "His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis."

I need to know what's behind the bleep! If he said "fucking whore," then he's a total bastard. If he said "cunt whore," then he's sort of creative and should take up a career in writing.

Denise went on to address the supposed e-mail she sent about Charlie sperm. Yes! This again. She said, "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

PROSTITUTE-TRANNY-INFESTED SPERM! This bitch is a fucking poet and a comedian. Methinks she's talking about herself and she doesn't even know it.

I adore these two! Their love for each other is an inspiration to us all. I hope they put out a book of their amazing texts and e-mails to each other. It would make for the perfect Valentine's gift to your special someone.

Of course, Charlie had to respond. He said they are bringing in some computer expert to prove the e-mail was sent from her. Who cares? I'm already on Team Robot Call Girl. She had me at "Prostitute-Tranny-Infested Sperm!"

A girl named "Lisa" claims the character of Samantha on "Sex and the City" turned her into a 14-year-old slut. The Long Island, NY native started watching the show when she was 14, the same year she lost her virginity. She quickly began ordering cosmos in bars she snuck into and cheated on her boyfriend with around seven dudes in just one week.

Lisa, now 22, told ABC News, "When you're that age you try to emulate people on TV. Carrie smoked, so I smoked, Samantha looked at hooking up with random people as not a big deal, so that's what I did too. It wasn't 'Sex and the City's' fault. I love the show, but I think it made it a little easier to justify my behavior."

Lisa said her obsession with the show became so intense that she even re-enacted one Samantha scene in her own life. In the scene, a dude cums in Samantha's mouth and his junk doesn't taste good. She tells the dude that his jizz is rotten. Lisa did the same thing, "That was something that happened to me. I used her exact words: 'You have funky spunk.' I knew from watching the show that it had to do with something he was eating."

At the age of 19, Lisa dumped her skank ways. She moved to Utah, became a Mormon, married some dude and had two kids. Her new husband, also a Mormon, doesn't let her watch the show anymore. She later sold her DVDs on eBay and said everything's OK now.

Eh, she would've done that shit anyway. That's like blaming Blanche Deveraux and "The Golden Girls" reruns for turning me into a teen whore bag. Wait, I did enjoy wearing feathered robes while romancing my lovers. I also developed a strange craving for cheesecake. Maybe Blanche did have something to do with it. There's a lawsuit there somewhere.

I'm guessing Lisa is actually some 45-year-old publicist from HBO named Albert. I mean, the SATC PR machine is in full gear. They are working every angle.

Aubrey O'Day of Danity Kane was recently linked to TRL host Quddus, but it looks like that shit isn't serious. Aubrey was out in NYC last night with Jesse McCartney. He's 21 and she's 24, but she still looks like she could be his mother. Cougar alert! She's a cougar at 24!

I can't help but not love this raggedy ass foundation sponge. She's a ho and she knows it. No shame in her game.

Wait....is she carrying a glass outside?! The ho is walking down the street with a glass of wine! You know how I feel about that. Couldn't she have poured that shit in a white grape juice bottle? That's what any respectable drunk slut would have done. Aubrey lost points for that move.

Heidi Fleiss is living in the desert, running a laundromat, living in a trailer with 20 parrots and loving life. The News of the World caught up with one of Hollywood's biggest ho trainers who is all washed up in Pahrump, Nevada.

Heidi said, "I'm broke, my life is a mess and so am I. But I just couldn't care less. It's been two years since I had sex and I don't care if I ever do it again." I don't think that's by choice.

Heidi says she loves her 20 parrots more than she loves men. She got the birds after a local pet shop closed down. GROSS! Pete Doherty, this is your future. Scratch that. Heidi Fleiss is Pete Doherty.

She went to Nevada hoping to open a brothel, but that didn't happen. She borrowed money and opened a laundromat called "Dirty Laundry" instead. She said, "It doesn't even pay the bills—but I love it." She totally gives $2 blowjobs in the back during the rinse cycle.

Heidi also talked about her glory days, when she used to fuck men like Marlon Brando. "I love fat men— they try harder. Like Marlon he could go for hours and loved sex every which way. He gave me 20 orgasms that night." And she just gave me the dry heaves.

If Heidi needs dough, she should hit up the producers of the new "Fraggle Rock" movie. She can play Gobo. She has the face for it. She'll work for parrot seed!

Visit TNOTW to read the entire, sad interview.

Thanks Katherine & Mike

Shayne Lamas, the winner of The Bachelor, is celebrating her engagement to Matt Grant by posing in Girls Gone Wild magazine. Shauna Sand must be proud.

22-year-old Shayne is featured in a six-page photo spread. The spread features no nudity. Boring! She's saving showing off her chocha and nippies for Penthouse when her fake ass engagement to Matt expires.

Girls Gone Wild magazine?! What does the ultra-sophisticated Lorenzo Lamas have to say about this? He's probably going to have the magazine framed and put over his bathroom toilet.

Actually, I think this makes me love Shayne's trashy ass even more. I mean, Girls Gone Wild?!

VIA People

Sarah Larson is addicted to "Rock of Love." I knew she was one of those classy call girls and not the trashy kind. Sarah said that when she fucked herself up in a motorcycle accident, she glued herself to marathons of the show. She even got George Clooney addicted.

She told Harper's Bazaar, "We caught ourselves rooting for someone or getting frustrated. And we were like, 'This is sad.'" Sad?! Sarah probably knows half of those twats from working the ho stroll with them. Sarah would be on Rock of Love if she wasn't licking Clooney taint.

Sarah's biggest credit is being a contestant on Fear Factor, but she said she would not have dated George if he was also a reality star. "If George had been on a reality show, I don't think I'd have talked to him. It would have been like, 'That's nice.' "I don't know. He still wants to date me, and I ate a scorpion." That's exacty why he did choose her, because if she'll put a scorpion in her mouth, she'll put anything in her mouth. Georgie totally likes it dirty. That being said, Sarah is turning out to be one of the smartest hos in Hollywood.

Here's Sarah at some event for Giorgio Armani the other night. Last year, Sarah was probably getting groped by Giorgio the bus boy at the bar she worked at and now she's clicking champagne glasses with Giorgio Armani.