Glamberace

There's a hurtful, soul-murdering rumor going around that's making staches frown and rhinestones cry. The Daily Star, an esteemed British journal that tops The Daily Mail as the most reputable news source in the world, has threatened all of us by publishing a story today that claims Glamberace will screech his nipples off as the new leader singer of Queen. The quote they used from Glamberace has been scientifically proven to cause a bitch to slowly wall slide while letting out a silent cry of noooooooos.

"The intention is to pay tribute to Freddie and the band by singing some fucking great songs. It's to keep the music alive for the fans and give it an energy that Freddie would've been proud of."

Don't fall against the wall just yet, because apparently The Daily Star lifted this quote from a press conference for the 2011 MTV EMAs. Glamberace performed with Queen at the EMAs that year. Queen's label, Hollywood Records, told Rolling Stone that Glambace is not slipping into Freddie Mercury's latex ass huggers, but he might perform with them for one or two dates:

"The Daily Star item only mentions that Adam may perform with Queen at Sonisphere. This is not confirmed. Nothing has been signed. However, if this were to happen, Queen would be returning to the setting of their final concert with Freddie Mercury, which took place in 1986."

So put a handful of glitter in your mouth and exhale out a glittery sigh of relief, because we've just dodged THE WORST THING THAT WOULD'VE EVER HAPPENED TO MUSIC!!!!!! Okay, okay, maybe I'm turning on the dramatic cunt theatrics, but blame it on the humidifier next to me. You know what smoky vapors do to me. It makes me type in a Phantom of the Opera voice and just makes me EXTRA dramatic.

The truth is, Queen has been touring for years ever since Freddie Mercury floated up to the giant Spandex spool in the sky and I've seen them about as many times as I've eaten broccoli without mayo on top. ZERO! And how many times would I see them if Adam Lambert sang with them? ZERO! So this doesn't really affect my ass. But you know, I'd probably pull myself away from the lure of my humidifier to see Queen if Christopher Lambert (as The Highlander) sang lead.

Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.

Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.

And now it's time for a math problem!

When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?

Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!

BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:

Haven't we all been there before? You're leaning against the bar at Helsinki's biggest gay club and the sweet nectar is numbing your good judgement as you're getting a little high from sniffing the toxic hairspray fumes wafting down from the gigantic hair cliff on your head. Life is beautiful, but then it all changes when your eyes scan the room and you catch your Finnish piece doing some shit your drunk self does not approve of. The "dramatic cunt theatrics" switch in your brain goes on and suddenly you're doing the kind of shit that Klymaxx used to write songs about. You start fighting with your boyfriend inside of the club and it spills out onto the street.

You're slapping at him like your name is Sharon Stone and Martin Scorsese's got a camera on you. Usually, it ends with you huffing on home by yourself and passing out on the living room floor while a plate of nachos is half shoved into your pie hole. You wake up with the mangled carcass of a nacho chip dangling out of your mouth and you crawl over to the sofa to wake your boyfriend up with the stank breath cloud of hungover regret that comes out of your mouth when you whisper, "I'm sorry." But that's not how it ended for Glamberace and his boyfriend Sauli Koskinen.

Ilta-Sanomat and TMZ both report that Glamberace and Sauli were arrested last night in Helsinki after getting into a fight in front of a gay club. Before the police arrived, Glamberace got psychical with a few people who tried to break up the fight. Both Glamberace and Sauli were taken into custody. They were questioned and later released, because neither of them had brawl bruises on them. This morning (aka THE MORNING AFTER....dun..dun...dun), Sauli wrote this on his blog:

"Publicity is not easy, but also celebrities are just human. Love is not easy either, but it lasts forever!"

Err, nope. Love does not last forever. Love ends for me when a ho fucks with my buzz by dragging me out of a club to beat my ass on the street. But drunken love brawls happen and the witnesses did get a special Christmas gift in the form of watching a Goth Heat Miser scrapping with a Finish twinkie who has hair like a butch My Little Pony.

At the American Idol finale last night, Glamberace showed us what would it look like if Snow Miser sat hard on Heat Miser's head and turned his flaming torch of follicles into a pile of ashes just itching for a phoenix (or whatever bird is available) to rise from it. If my abuelita saw this, she'd throw a plastic garbage bag over Glamberace's hair and then toss it with the others in the backyard.

My abuelita was a hoarder decades before Hoarders existed. She used to keep bags of fireplace ash in the backyard for reasons unknown. Maybe she thought if she mixed the ashes with a little water she could use it paint her hair roots black. Or maybe she figured that if we ever acted the fool in the backyard, she'd have something heavy to hit us with. Thankfully, I was never hit with a bag of fireplace ash.

Here's more of Glamberace with his tiny boyfriend Sauli Koskinen (or is it, Giant Glamberace with his normal-sized boyfriend) last night.

Lady Gaga celebrated the 25th anniversary of the day music industry witch doctors successfully brought her to life using one of Madonna's hemorrhoids by throwing herself a party at La Cita Bar in Los Angeles. For whatever reason, she didn't put Adam Lambert's name on the guest list. But UsWeekly says that didn't stop Glamberace and his piece Sauli Koskinen (seen below struttin' their asses down the boulevard) from crashing that shit so hard that Lady Gargamel's tuck came undone and delivered a wave of hisses his way.

The Shel Silverstein of our time Perez Hilton, who was there, told Morning Dish that Glamberace was already Amish teen drunk when he arrived as a guest of the Scissor Sisters. Drunkerace immediately annoyed everyone by fist-pumping into an imaginary anus in the air and jumping on tables. At one point, he punched a hole into the ceiling. One witness type who was also there added, "Adam acted like an animal. He kept jumping up on the tables and chairs and screaming. When they brought the cake out he tried to smear it in Gaga's face and put a doll from the cake in her mouth!"

Caca smears grenadine blood on her body and bites off Barbie heads in her show, but she doesn't get into that shit off stage so she ordered security to put Glamberace on the curb, which they did.

This is the first time I've ever been sexually attracted to Adam Lambert. Who knew it would take him ruining Caca's party. This also leaves me disappointed in Caca. She's always preaching about accepting others who are different than you no matter. Cholas, oriental rugs, Klingons, etc... We're all in this together. But what about the drunks?! We can't help that we were #bornthisdrunk and sometimes punch holes in ceilings and act the fool. It's in our nature! You'd think out of everyone on this planet, Caca would be the one who would accept us. Sad. The only way she can right this wrong is by releasing a drunk bitch version of "Born This Way" and donate all proceeds to the drunks of the world. E-mail your PayPal information to Lady Gaga NOW!

I never thought I'd say this, but I actually miss Glamberace's old "if K.D. Lang and an Elvis-impersonating unicorn mated in an Adam Antfarm" look. This revelation hit me after I went through these pictures of him at the premiere party for RuPaul's Drag Race 3 in West Hollywood last night. What flavor of Pixie Dust was Glamberace on when his style team gathered around him before the event and said, "It's going to be finger waving FIERCE! We're going to make you look like a 45-year-old Ke$ha who is forced to pay off her tab at the free clinic by singing The Cure songs at a retirement center for old goths in Sedona, Arizona." Why did he sign off on that?

When you accept an invitation to a Drag Race party, you better show up looking like a disco ball birthed you out in a kiddie pool filled with glitter. There better be a sparkle twinkling out of every single pore. Glamberace, please return those JNCO lady jeans to my raver cousin who refuses to let go out of the late 90s.

Here's a few beauties from last night's party who chose to sparkle in some way, shape or form. In order (after Glamberace): Bobby Trendy, Delta Work, Mimi Imfurst, Morgan McMichaels, Ongina, Raven, Ru, Shannel, Stacy Layne Matthews, Tammie Brown, Vanessa Williams and Madonna Venus D Lite.

And here we have Lance Bass showing us what one looks like after getting a facial from Glamberace. Yes, we've always known Glamberace ejaculates rouge and liquid eyeliner. That's why you better bring make-up remover to gargle with if you ever plan on going down on Glamberace.

Lance gently got face fucked with every brush in Xtina's make-up box for photographer Mike Ruiz who said he was going for a Spandau Ballet and Gary Numan look. Mike might say this Gary Numan-ish, and others might say Lance is wig snatching Glamberace. I say this reminds me of the time my Puerto Rican friend tried to dress up as Freddie Mercury for Halloween but ended up looking like a Robert Palmer girl as seen through the eyes of a 12-year-old goth.

And Lance's eyebrows look like two amputee weasels trying to kiss each other, so I approve of this look. Yes, I failed the inkblot test.

If Audrey II chewed up both Hottie from Flavor of Love and Ursula the Sea Witch at the same time and then spat out a giant loogie, it would look like this glorious goddess you see before you.

It's Jaila Simms from Making the Band killing hos with her beauty at Saturday night's GLAAD Awards in Los Angeles. And I'm not just saying that. I think several hos actually died from choking on the wig glue fumes wafting off of Jaila's head. Not only did Jaila's wig put another crack in the ozone layer, but it looks like it's biting into her scalp and refusing to let go! But I guess you haven't really fought for glamour until your wig has eaten your forehead off. Bleeding for glamour: Jaila is doing it right!

In addition to Jaila, the GLAAD Awards also brought out other fanciful glittermeisters including: Chaz Bono (who is seriously turning into a giant penis head) with his girlfriend, The Discountess, McSteamy with Noxzema Girl, Glamberace, Johnny Weir, RuPaul, Bryan Batt, Chupacabra Zoe's assistant Brad, Apollonia and Candis Cayne.

Glamberace admitted to Long Island's BLI In the Morning that he's been known to stick his tongue into the sewer pipe belonging to that Ke¢ha creature. I guess because it beats trying to have a conversation with her, right?

Frankenliza gave the gritty details about brushing Ke¢ha's teefs with his tongue, "She's really pretty and we were laughing and we just started kissing. It was pretty innocent to be honest with you. I mean, it wasn't too dirty."

At first I started to think that if you're going to knowingly catch mouth leprosy from kissing a dirt face, why would you choose Ke¢ha when you could go with someone sessier like Pete Doherty for example. But then I realized that Glamberace didn't catch anything from kissing that trick, because she probably doesn't have anything to catch.

Ke¢ha looks like one of those faux dirties. You know, the kind who looks like a filthy whore on the outside, but hasn't done any of the work (i.e. vomit on a stranger's bare peen in the back alley of a Bob's Big Boy) to earn the title.

I bet Ke¢ha washes her hair with Strawberry Suave every night, brushes it 100 times before bed and sleeps on a silk pillow while wearing organic cotton pajamas. And then when she gets ready to go out as that Ke¢ha fool, she sticks her head in a bag with two rabid squirrels. That way she gets that fresh "just got a train ran on me" look. Then she spritzes herself down with one of Paris Hilton's signature fragrances (smells like open sores, urethral discharge and Andre-laced barf). So Glamberace is safe and doesn't need to make an appointment to see a nurse practitioner at the free clinic.

Wait, what the fuck am I going on about? Both of those bitches got dirty mouths. Cootie queens! Lint lickers!

via Gatecrasher

At last night's Art of Elyslum's charity gala in Los Angeles, Kat Von D crawled onto the red carpet looking like a mini-mall plastic surgeon gave her the "Prostitution Whore Special" in the face. Seriously, if you put a merkin over forehead, squint eyes and then flip your table, your computer will end up on the floor. But before it does, you'll briefly see Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey staring back at you instead of Kat Von D.

Kat's eyebrows look like they fell in love with her hairline at first sight and are heading north to be with it. Bitch has "I Can Haz" face.

Here's more hos who put on their artfag face last night including: MiserAlba, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth, Brenda Walsh, FrankenLiza, one of those Olsen trolls, Sookeh with Beeehl, Katy Perry with Russell Brand, Dita Von Teese and Tater Head.